next?

[trippi1432]

Hey nob.....he came home today to see our daughter. Another very strange visit.

 

He was very teary and up & down. I remained very calm, don't know how. I told him not to give me the tears as that is manipulation.

 

He attempted to become intimate. I rejected him. (only after checking if he was for real - he was).

 

I know this will sound a bit silly but I felt a bit better after he tried that and gave me all the 'darling's' & 'sweetie's' etc. It made me think about the text message from the 21 year old saying that she had won. What has she really won??? He is already willing to cheat on her with me. Great prize......He is actually still adamant that he is single!!!!

 

I am also thinking we are moving closer towards settlement of property. He made me a written offer which I will seek legal advice on tomorrow. Of course it will still need to go through some court approval. I told him that I know how he operates when he is wheeling and dealing and I will not be bullied. He could see I meant it.

 

Absolutely devastated that it has come to this.

 

I believe I have attempted everything to save our marriage. Well maybe not, actually - I have never really just 'let go'. Well I tried but he kept calling me and I got sucked back in.

 

He took a few things from the house. It was hard to watch but I did not show that and actually offered up a couple of extra things. He was obviously distressed. I asked if he could return his wedding ring so I could put it with mine. He said he is not ready to do that yet.

 

I still love him. But I know that right now we cannot be together. Probably never. I also believe he loves me but it is like he just 'has to do this' although he cannot give me any real reasons as to why.

 

Thanks everyone for reading. I hope your situations end up better than mine has......

 

JD

 

Hi Jane,

 

My ex went through this same exact stage when he got with the OW....started sending me text messages wanting to know if there was still a chance for us, wanting his wife back and even stating that I was right...that the grass wasn't greener. He even went as far as to show up uninvited at the house and tried to pull some "Officer and a Gentleman" BS scenario with me...all the while, still in his affair fog and with the OW.

 

I'm going to venture to say that your H is currently standing on a bridge trying to figure out which side would give him the softest place to fall if he jumped. You are familiar and easy because of the past relationship, she is new and creates a particular challenge, one that he cannot possibly be ready for as he has not taken the time to work on himself, but in his own mind, he doesn't care about working on himself.

 

I would say this is the time that you need to reflect on whether or not you would want him back in his present condition, whether or not you could ever trust him again, could you ever respect him again....for you...do that for YOU. Your daughter's happiness is important to you, but not a valid reason to fix something that is broke....he is broken, but he has to fix himself. He will use the OW to do that because it is easier than having to face his own "demons"...and she is younger, selfish and will do anything to keep him there because it is now a game to her...proven by her immaturity and lack of self discipline.

 

This is a time to work on you and what you want and need out of life and out of a relationship. Letting go comes in time....some quicker than others when it comes to how good or bad the past relationship was. Keep your head up.

 

Hugs.

[JaneDoe35]

Trippi - your post makes perfect sense to me.

 

I know I now need to concentrate on working on myself. I am finding that so difficult. The physical feeling of missing him overwhelms me most of the time.

 

I feel so lonely and I long to hear his voice. I know I could have him in my life still, but I just cant do it if I am not his wife. I will not come second to another woman. Maybe I have too much pride??

 

To be honest when I read the post in which you detailed a conversation between yourself and your ex - I started thinking that he is so not over you!!! It is like we have to do something to make them let go, even though they made these choices.

 

One day at a time....I do need to address those issues you raised of actually being ever able to trust him again etc. I think I know the answers but am scared to admit it as it will all feel so final.

 

I should be angry but I am too drained and don't have enough energy to hate. I do not like that I still love him. It hurts and I want it gone.

 

I really appreciated your post.

 

JD

[FeelingLonely98]

your post reminded me of so much about myself ...

 

I know I now need to concentrate on working on myself. I am finding that so difficult. The physical feeling of missing him overwhelms me most of the time.

I had to force myself to work on ME. It didn't come naturally. I was still thinking of her 24/7 at the time I started. But doing these things REALLY helped me move forward. Everyone here has their own pace and their own external factors that will influence how well and how quickly they can do this. In my case I was fortunate (?) that my STBXW basically shut the door on the relationship immediately from day 1. Like a light switch turned off and then unplugged from the wall. That certainly pushed me further along than if she had continued playing games or kept trying to keep some level of contact. I feel bad for folks like you Jane and others where the spouse continues dangling some hope and keeps playing games.

 

I will not come second to another woman. Maybe I have too much pride??

Another plus. I would NOT be her backup in case the AP didn't work out. Keep reminding yourself Jane that you are far too good to be his (or any mans) 2nd choice.

 

One day at a time....I do need to address those issues you raised of actually being ever able to trust him again etc. I think I know the answers but am scared to admit it as it will all feel so final.

I knew from the beginning when I found out about the affair (she initially lied and said "There is no one else") - I knew that I could NEVER trust her again. Why would I want to be in a relationship where I had little trust? When I left town on business I would wonder where SHE is and what she is doing. When she came home a few hours late I would start thinkng about she must be doing it again. Not good.

 

I should be angry but I am too drained and don't have enough energy to hate.

The anger is GOOD - at least for me it was. When the anger hit me several months ago it was the end. I didn't know it then but shortly after I got angry (in person, in my posts, ...) I completely ended my thoughts of and lost my feeling for the STBXW. At least in that unhealthy way.

 

I do not like that I still love him. It hurts and I want it gone.

It will go away Jane. Less contact, doing more things for YOU and your daughter, ETC.

 

All the best Jane!!

Edited January 11, 2010 by FeelingLonely98

[trippi1432]

Trippi - your post makes perfect sense to me.

 

I know I now need to concentrate on working on myself. I am finding that so difficult. The physical feeling of missing him overwhelms me most of the time.

 

I feel so lonely and I long to hear his voice. I know I could have him in my life still, but I just cant do it if I am not his wife. I will not come second to another woman. Maybe I have too much pride??

No, not too much pride Jane. As his WIFE, you should NEVER play second fiddle to ANY woman (maybe his mother, but that should be out of respect and not abusive to you either).

 

To be honest when I read the post in which you detailed a conversation between yourself and your ex - I started thinking that he is so not over you!!! It is like we have to do something to make them let go, even though they made these choices.

No offense, but I hope you are wrong about this. I actually believe that he is trying to be so "perfect" for the GF and his career that he has to have something to let out his anger and frustrations...that has always been me. Why? Because it was always a game to him and I fought back...yeah...that was wrong, I let myself become the victim there and I allowed him to goad me into the abuse.

Perfect example....one I am not proud of...when I was 8 mths pregnant with our son he came home from work one day and started drinking his beer. My daughter and I were playing cards at the table. He kept coming up behind me and saying the name of one of his drinking buddies that I didn't like in my ear. It was a game....he was bored and there was no conflict going on so he had to do his best to create some. This went on for a solid hour, the taunting and me asking him to please stop. In the end, I got up from the table so enraged at him I even scared myself...and the whole time he laughed at me because he got the reaction that he craved. I have lots of stories like this over the years....unfortunately.

So, as you can see, I do hope you are wrong on that topic because if it is true, he will see to it that I never heal from the pain he caused me or from my own self-inflicted pain.

 

One day at a time....I do need to address those issues you raised of actually being ever able to trust him again etc. I think I know the answers but am scared to admit it as it will all feel so final.

 

I should be angry but I am too drained and don't have enough energy to hate. I do not like that I still love him. It hurts and I want it gone.

 

I really appreciated your post.

 

JD

 

Trust in yourself for right now Jane...that's the trust you need to find.

[hopesndreams]

You are pandering to him Jane. I know, I made the same mistakes. Over and over. He doesn't suffer and your suffering will just go on and on. He isn't going to wake up one day and think, "What the h*ll have I done?!!" and then repent and beg forgiveness. It just won't happen. He will go through with the plans. You haven't made it difficult for him. You still succumb to his charms. He has the best of both worlds.

 

Don't do this anymore, I beg you. You will not heal. You are worth so much more than this, don't you see that?

 

Another narcissist. That's all he is. Don't throw the rest of your life away over him.

 

Get living. There's so much more in life, new people, new experiences and you will be able to live it, once you end it with that thoughtless, selfish man.

[JaneDoe35]

Trippi - I cannot comprehend what it must have been like for you to have been treated that way over such a long period. Your ex is just cruel. Is there a way that you can totally avoid speaking to him? I know it is hard when there is a child involved. But the things he says to you are beyond hurtful.....until now my husband has always treated me very well so I guess I am lucky in that respect.

 

Hopesndreams - you will be proud of me!!!

 

Text messages...

 

8:37am H - Hi can i call 2 ask a huge favour?

 

9:04am Me - What?

 

9:10am H - Its ok i will try something else. Need bond money the bank stuffed me up

 

9:45 H - Can u call urgently please

 

12:06 H - Gee lucky i wasnt dying! Any update on settlement?

 

It appears he was going to ask me for the bond money for him to move in with the OW. Unbelievable......

 

I almost offered to help. I am crazy. But I didn't and I am happy about that. Normally I fix all his problems. When we were together he would ring me and I would fix it or advise him how to fix it.

 

Maybe that is my problem - I must not think I am worth more than this. I need to fix that!!!!

 

Thanks for your thoughts. I promise it is all beginning to sink in.....

[nobmagnet]

jane,

 

he should suffer for his choice. He wants money..............stuff him jane. Sit tight and dont be rushed ha has made the wrong choice and that is entirely his fault. He is weak and pathetic just like Lowly.

 

I had a massive meltdown last night. Yet again he promiced to talk to kids.............................nothing. He text me in the evening and I made the mistake of talking to him. I really layed into him told him what a tosser he is......everything. They f*ck me if i dont wind myself up even more and send him a string of vile texts. WTF????

 

I have been so calm and collected over this hidious mess and I wait 5 months before i totally lose it. God i have myself. agggggggghhhhhhhhhh

 

it just doesnt get much easier doess it?

 

soz

 

Nob xx

[hopesndreams]

Poor dear is panicking eh? Needs money. Well, of course he does. My H was no different, we ended up selling our house way below value so he could get his hands on whatever cash he could. He did have to set up a new house after all with all new furnishings. Nothing too good for his MOW.

 

It's difficult to hold back and put yourself first. Especially after being a giving, supportive W for so many years. He knows this. He's counting on it!

 

Time to go dark.

 

Sit back and watch his world crumble. He is dependent on you. Let him get all his needs met by his new woman, have him burden someone else. You're busy.

[FeelingLonely98]

Trippi - I cannot comprehend what it must have been like for you to have been treated that way over such a long period. Your ex is just cruel. Is there a way that you can totally avoid speaking to him? I know it is hard when there is a child involved. But the things he says to you are beyond hurtful.....until now my husband has always treated me very well so I guess I am lucky in that respect.

 

Hopesndreams - you will be proud of me!!!

 

Text messages...

 

8:37am H - Hi can i call 2 ask a huge favour?

 

9:04am Me - What?

 

9:10am H - Its ok i will try something else. Need bond money the bank stuffed me up

 

9:45 H - Can u call urgently please

 

12:06 H - Gee lucky i wasnt dying! Any update on settlement?

 

It appears he was going to ask me for the bond money for him to move in with the OW. Unbelievable......

 

I almost offered to help. I am crazy. But I didn't and I am happy about that. Normally I fix all his problems. When we were together he would ring me and I would fix it or advise him how to fix it.

 

Maybe that is my problem - I must not think I am worth more than this. I need to fix that!!!!

 

Thanks for your thoughts. I promise it is all beginning to sink in.....

 

I'm proud of you too Jane. Keep it up. Like HnD said time to go dark. As it sinks in please feel that and understand it all - don't turn away from it. Know that you are worth more.

I am certain my STBXW is struggling big time - AND I don't want to know about it. Her son (my stepson) still lives with me (still!) and I haven't talked to him about her in months. Makes it easier. I don't want to know, for example, that a few thousand dollars would solve all her problems and I could easily write her a check.

 

37 days ...

[FeelingLonely98]

Jane - any updates? How are you doing now ... ?

[JaneDoe35]

Hey everyone - last few days have been the worst so far.

 

Last Sunday he was trying to be intimate and lovey dovey with me.

 

Less than a week later he tells me they are going shopping for things for their new place.

 

Still says they are not 'together' and that it is only a six month lease.

 

I am beyond furious and devastated. No words to descibe how I feel. I feel that my daughter and I have been tossed aside like rubbish.

 

Not sure if I will ever recover from this. I am a wreck. I feel like I am about to lose it completely.

 

Going to go hiking with my daughter today to try and get some fresh air.

 

We miss him so badly. Not who he is now. Just the lovely, caring husband and father he used to be.

 

He should be here with us.

 

Not with the 21 year old MOW buying knick knacks for the apartment. When I spoke to him last night she turned the music up loud and started giggling.

 

Has she no clue that these are people's lives?

 

Please God, help me find the anger so I can survive. I am not ready to forgive yet.

[hopesndreams]

Not with the 21 year old MOW buying knick knacks for the apartment. When I spoke to him last night she turned the music up loud and started giggling.

 

Has she no clue that these are people's lives?

Why would she? She's got her man. They are both feeding off each other right now. They are both selfish cowards only out for themselves. They don't give a toss about destroying lives, they are only out for number 1. You, your daughter are now just things in the way in her mind. But who cares what she thinks anyway?

 

It's your H that has done this to you. You have every right to be supremely p*ssed off. It's your H that is manipulating and controlling you at this point. Why? You are allowing it. You already know being nice is getting you nowhere, so why continue being nice?

 

They are together. Period. You are now the 3rd party. Don't do this to yourself! Let them live life to the fullest with eacother. Two cheaters, laughable really, and in time, they will self-destruct. Do you plan on waiting in the wings forever Jane? Do you plan on waiting for him even after he gets her pregnant? The MOW is playing a game, for keeps, no doubt she'll do whatever to keep him.

 

Don't be around for this anymore. You are just setting yourself up for more hurt. Deal with the past hurts and have no more fresh hurts to deal with. Then, you will recover.

[hopesndreams]

How are you doing Jane? Been thinking about you....

[nobmagnet]

me toooooooo.

 

Jane,

 

how you doing??

 

Lowly playing up too.Told my daughter he has "two girlfriends" what message is that along with " its ok to leave you and mummy cus this is what I want!"

 

It really would be easier if they just plane walked and kept on walking.........maybe over a cliff??? that might just be me darling! hahah

 

im nearly at acceptance the themummy bear gets involved when my kids get upset. I am big enough and ugly enough to deal with this but thier pain...........grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

 

love and I hope you can respond honey

 

Nobby xx

[JaneDoe35]

Not with the 21 year old MOW buying knick knacks for the apartment. When I spoke to him last night she turned the music up loud and started giggling.

 

Has she no clue that these are people's lives?

 

Why would she? She's got her man. They are both feeding off each other right now. They are both selfish cowards only out for themselves. They don't give a toss about destroying lives, they are only out for number 1. You, your daughter are now just things in the way in her mind. But who cares what she thinks anyway?

 

It's your H that has done this to you. You have every right to be supremely p*ssed off. It's your H that is manipulating and controlling you at this point. Why? You are allowing it. You already know being nice is getting you nowhere, so why continue being nice?

 

They are together. Period. You are now the 3rd party. Don't do this to yourself! Let them live life to the fullest with eacother. Two cheaters, laughable really, and in time, they will self-destruct. Do you plan on waiting in the wings forever Jane? Do you plan on waiting for him even after he gets her pregnant? The MOW is playing a game, for keeps, no doubt she'll do whatever to keep him.

 

Don't be around for this anymore. You are just setting yourself up for more hurt. Deal with the past hurts and have no more fresh hurts to deal with. Then, you will recover.

 

Thanks hopesndreams - great post!! I needed that.

 

Today - He came to visit daughter - arrived at 7.00am instead of 8:30. I start work at 8:30 so I had to spend time with him. Tried to hug me when he arrived, I stepped back and avoided the embrace. He looks awful to be honest. He used to be good looking. But now looks a wreck.

 

He spoke about the 'settlement', I said 'Send me papers and I will look at them'. He asked me if I would come home for lunch as he would make it for me. I didn't say yes or no. I ended up going for lunch alone. I never do that. It wasn't bad. Got loads of attention from the waiters so that was nice. I know they have to do that but it was still nice.

 

Returned home to him being very up & down. One minute teary and then all strong the next. I was very calm. It was hard. He said that 21 year old OW was weird. I said 'Weird?' He said 'annoying' and 'you know - young'. I did not question any further. They have been living together for about a week.

 

He tried to hug me again but I said 'Please don't'. He said 'I am sorry you feel that way'. Then he left. It was difficult not to comfort him but I am so glad I resisted. He can go to her for that. I am obviously shattered by this whole situation and I really think I am still in shock that it is even happening.

 

But you know today I actually thought 'Could I ever even have him back?' I don't know if he will ever attempt to reconcile. My family and friends say he will. I don't think I love this person he has become.

 

Thanks for reading everyone....

[hopesndreams]

Pleased to hear you are putting yourself 1st. Self-preservation, well done.

 

You are your daughter's role model, she knows about dad's gf and will be watching you very closely for your reactions. Doing what you did, not showing up for lunch and backing away from his embraces, is showing her that what has happened, is unacceptable. It will help her in her future relationships.

 

All his needs must now be met by his weird and annoying younger cohabitant. We all know where this is heading so get busy, getting stronger. Those needs of his can't be met by her alone and he will keep looking for you to help him deal without having to give her up. Remember, all he wants to do is cake eat. Don't allow it.

 

Don't let his up and down moods fool you. It's all an act, a show, to have 2 women wanting him and that settlement money also comes into play. He has done the despicable, why be friends with him? Why want him back? You don't really, it's the life you once had with him that you miss most.

 

Keep him at arms length, preferably NC, but since he is still intruding in your life, it's going to take much longer to be free of him, if you ever will. Why make it harder on yourself and easier for him? Once the settlement is done, do give yourself the gift of going NC by however means. Yes, you share a daughter, but because of what he has done and how important it is for you to heal, communication can be done through lawyers or email, a few phone calls, but never face to face. Others will disagree, but to give yourself space from him is crucial and in a few years, once indifference settles in, you can then see him again without it affecting you.

 

Friends and family are well meaning and will say what it is you want to hear. I, too, was told he'd be back but for the last few months, no one has said anything, they figure I should be well over it by now. I'm not, but that's ok, being on the right path and giving it more time, my future will be bright, of that there is no doubt. So will yours. Believe it.

[nobmagnet]

Hopes

 

How very inspirational and true.

 

Jane you are a star!!!!!!!!!! Im glad she is weird but she would be, woudnt she!! F*cking a married man with kids is weird! and wrong I may add.

 

I made lowly e.mail me the dates for visitation. I have them and therefore there is need to contact him unless its an emergancy. I bought the kids moblie phones so he can call them on them so I dont run the risk of accidently answering the phone to him.

 

Why not try these???

 

Might help and you wont have to hear him bleeting on about his Tart. (why he would tell you is beyod my comprihension!!??)

 

Hey just imagine .............she has to follow him in the bathroom after he had a monster poo!! hahahah soon put her off I will say!!!!!

 

love and hugs

 

Nobby xx

[JaneDoe35]

Pleased to hear you are putting yourself 1st. Self-preservation, well done.

 

You are your daughter's role model, she knows about dad's gf and will be watching you very closely for your reactions. Doing what you did, not showing up for lunch and backing away from his embraces, is showing her that what has happened, is unacceptable. It will help her in her future relationships.

 

All his needs must now be met by his weird and annoying younger cohabitant. We all know where this is heading so get busy, getting stronger. Those needs of his can't be met by her alone and he will keep looking for you to help him deal without having to give her up. Remember, all he wants to do is cake eat. Don't allow it.

 

Don't let his up and down moods fool you. It's all an act, a show, to have 2 women wanting him and that settlement money also comes into play. He has done the despicable, why be friends with him? Why want him back? You don't really, it's the life you once had with him that you miss most.

 

Keep him at arms length, preferably NC, but since he is still intruding in your life, it's going to take much longer to be free of him, if you ever will. Why make it harder on yourself and easier for him? Once the settlement is done, do give yourself the gift of going NC by however means. Yes, you share a daughter, but because of what he has done and how important it is for you to heal, communication can be done through lawyers or email, a few phone calls, but never face to face. Others will disagree, but to give yourself space from him is crucial and in a few years, once indifference settles in, you can then see him again without it affecting you.

 

Friends and family are well meaning and will say what it is you want to hear. I, too, was told he'd be back but for the last few months, no one has said anything, they figure I should be well over it by now. I'm not, but that's ok, being on the right path and giving it more time, my future will be bright, of that there is no doubt. So will yours. Believe it.

 

Thanks hopesndreams - I have pretty much been following what you have

 

written. I am doing really well - if I do say so myself!!!

 

He visited our daughter last weekend. I was cool but polite. I left him

 

alone with our daughter. He approached me a number of times to try and

 

'talk'. I said 'No thanks'.

 

He had attempted to hug me when he arrived and I successfully dodged

 

that. But when I was sitting at kitchen island having my dinner, he walked

 

up and put his arm around my waist. I froze and wriggled out of it. That

 

was actually my natural reaction which suprised me.

 

He said something about still loving and caring for me. I ignored that

 

completely.

 

When he left he came into the bedroom, asked again if I wanted to talk

 

before he left. I said 'No thanks, drive carefully'. I did not look him in the

 

eyes the whole time he was here. He just stood there and I could see he

 

was upset. I did not feel sorry for him. He wanted this, he can have it.

 

He is due here again this weekend. I will behave in exactly the same way.

 

I am ready for him!!!

 

I have recently begun taking an anti-depressant. Before I was only taking

 

a very mild anti-anxiety to help me sleep. I was also given a book by a

 

psychologist friend - Getting Past Your Breakup - Susan Elliot. I think that

 

these 2 things have really helped me the last 2-3 weeks. I feel much

 

stronger and am functioning at work again. I don't feel that constant

 

ache.

 

I do not respond to any text messages/phone calls from him unless they

 

pertain to our daughter. And I never initiate contact with him.

 

I am preparing myself for a wonderful future without him. I do wish it

 

was not this way. But as I have no choice I am still going to be happy and

 

live a fulfilling life. Hopefully one day I can send him a 'Thankyou' card.

 

I wanted to post this so that people who have only just begun this

 

horrible journey can read about someone else starting to heal. I truly did

 

not think I could do it - but I can feel the shift now.

[Gunny376]

I've not read your entire thread, (I'll make amends for such) but you should not turn your back on him, nor avoid eye contact. You also should not allow him to put his hands upon you.

 

You need to look him in the eye and with no uncertainty in your voice, tell him that it was over yesterday, its over today, and its probally going to be over tomorrow, next, week, next month, next year.

 

The reason you need to do this, is that anything short of such he's (in his male wired brain housing group) will interpret such as a "chance"

 

Women used 'in-direct' communication methods ~ which any women would instantly pick up on the cues and clues of such. Men communicate "directly" (for most anyway) in that they say what the mean and mean what they say. This is what you need to do with him.

 

I'm assuming that he cheated on you ~ which would seriously PMO! Not that I would care if he wanted out of the relationship (Or she in my case) I just don't need one of those "gifts" that keep on giving.

 

If they wanted out of the relationship ~ that's all well and good. Just give me a head's up! Love just isn't worth dying for!

 

The DD is a concern for me in that he doesn't need to be conducting his immoral, unethical acts around an impressionable young lady! Be guarded. Very guarded.

 

If he lacks the self discipline and control over his sexual appetite when it comes to others ~ there's no telling where that may lead? Not to say he's a perv ~ just to say that there are many men that lack such control.

[JaneDoe35]

I've not read your entire thread, (I'll make amends for such) but you should not turn your back on him, nor avoid eye contact. You also should not allow him to put his hands upon you.

 

You need to look him in the eye and with no uncertainty in your voice, tell him that it was over yesterday, its over today, and its probally going to be over tomorrow, next, week, next month, next year.

 

The reason you need to do this, is that anything short of such he's (in his male wired brain housing group) will interpret such as a "chance"

 

Women used 'in-direct' communication methods ~ which any women would instantly pick up on the cues and clues of such. Men communicate "directly" (for most anyway) in that they say what the mean and mean what they say. This is what you need to do with him.

 

I'm assuming that he cheated on you ~ which would seriously PMO! Not that I would care if he wanted out of the relationship (Or she in my case) I just don't need one of those "gifts" that keep on giving.

 

If they wanted out of the relationship ~ that's all well and good. Just give me a head's up! Love just isn't worth dying for!

 

The DD is a concern for me in that he doesn't need to be conducting his immoral, unethical acts around an impressionable young lady! Be guarded. Very guarded.

 

If he lacks the self discipline and control over his sexual appetite when it comes to others ~ there's no telling where that may lead? Not to say he's a perv ~ just to say that there are many men that lack such control.

 

Hey Gunny!!

 

Yes I caught him cheating and he is now living with the married 21 year

 

old. (she was 23 but she has lost 2 years along the way!!!)

 

I am 35 & my husband is 34.

 

I can see what you are saying about being more direct. I feel that I may

 

be stronger this weekend so I will give that approach a try. It is hard

 

though as he gives me the big sad puppy dog eyes...

 

Our daughter is devastated and refuses to go and stay with her father

 

right now. That may change of course, but she is only just getting

 

used to the separation so I am not going to force her to go there. My

 

husband says he understands this.

 

Thanks Gunny, I have just finished reading your posts on your 'Awesome

 

Quotes' thread - I loved them....

[Gunny376]

Oh yea that's going to last! It might? But I doubt it! Women are about 10 years ahead of men emotionally. That means he's around 24 compared to her emotionally 32.( at 23) Which is why your bewildered by this? Your thinking he's your emotional equivalent! He's not! Which is why you see him as your emotional in-equivalent at 35!

 

Want to find happiness?

 

Find a guy that's ten years or so older than you!

[JaneDoe35]

Oh yea that's going to last! It might? But I doubt it! Women are about 10 years ahead of men emotionally. That means he's around 24 compared to her emotionally 32.( at 23) Which is why your bewildered by this? Your thinking he's your emotional equivalent! He's not! Which is why you see him as your emotional in-equivalent at 35!

 

Want to find happiness?

 

Find a guy that's ten years or so older than you!

 

 

You are so right. I am not ready to date - not sure that I ever will be -

 

but if I do I will definately be looking for someone older than myself. I

 

see now that I made a huge error in thinking that he would become

 

my emotional equivalent. An almost 14 year mistake!!! No, not really -

 

it was a good marriage up until recently and we have a beautiful

 

daughter.....but I probably should have realised that this would happen

 

one day. You know, when I first met him I thought 'Oh he is too young

 

for me'. And now look at the mess I am in....although I am sort

 

of excited about the 'unknown' quality about my future now. I have

 

never been single, (from about 16-17 onwards) so I am starting

 

to get to know who I am now. I really lived for him and did

 

everything for him. He knows this and is struggling without me. Oh well

 

I don't have time to worry about him anymore. It is now about myself

 

and my daughter. I have incredible family & friends. I have a good job.

 

I live in a wonderful country. I am blessed. Of course I still love/miss

 

my 'old' husband but I would never want to be with him the way

 

he is now.

[Gunny376]

I hope that I brought you a nights comfort and piece of mind!

[JaneDoe35]

I hope that I brought you a nights comfort and piece of mind!

 

Thanks Gunny....you have definately done that - take care of yourself and

 

I look forward to reading many more of your posts that tell it how it is!!

[Gunny376]

You are so right. I am not ready to date - not sure that I ever will be -

 

but if I do I will definately be looking for someone older than myself. I

 

see now that I made a huge error in thinking that he would become

 

my emotional equivalent. An almost 14 year mistake!!! No, not really -

 

it was a good marriage up until recently and we have a beautiful

 

daughter.....but I probably should have realised that this would happen

 

one day. You know, when I first met him I thought 'Oh he is too young

 

for me'. And now look at the mess I am in....although I am sort

 

of excited about the 'unknown' quality about my future now. I have

 

never been single, (from about 16-17 onwards) so I am starting

 

to get to know who I am now. I really lived for him and did

 

everything for him. He knows this and is struggling without me. Oh well

 

I don't have time to worry about him anymore. It is now about myself

 

and my daughter. I have incredible family & friends. I have a good job.

 

I live in a wonderful country. I am blessed. Of course I still love/miss

 

my 'old' husband but I would never want to be with him the way

 

he is now.

 

He's not going to know you the whey he's going to know you know!

 

Nor you him!

 

Forevermore!

 

You're changed!

 

You'll never will forever more be the same!

 

The change is forever!

 

 

You're him!

 

He is you!

 

You are ONE!

 

Through your DD!