hopesndreams Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I loved who he once was and the life we had together. I still choke up now and get misty eyed but I no longer shed fresh new tears. The grieving has left me for the most part. The feelings that come through now which are disgust and hate are no longer directed at me, and that's a battle you need to fight through, those feelings are now directed toward him instead. His behaviour was appalling, his total disregard for my feelings, his cake-eating ways and the fact he was a mardy git for 10 years that I had lived with. I remember the nights he would come home late from work. He'd walk through the door, eyes on the floor, and shuffle in. His walk of shame. I think back to the morning he left me and with tears in his eyes and his voice trembling, he said, "I love you, you idiot. I love you. But it's too late to turn back now, I am still leaving you." In the end, we are left with our memories, the old memories, the past, and we work through them, one by one. It's like a tape recorder in your head, and it just keeps replaying. One day the tape will just wear itself out and will no longer play. I pray for that and with faith and trust, that will happen. Do not, for your own sanity, allow him and her (phoning her?) give you any new memories to have to deal with and work through. Leave them to it. You have more important things to do in your life. Live. Be happy.
nobmagnet Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 oh jane. I am waiting for that one. Ouch. I am not too sure but you might be able to insist he does not introduce your daughter for a certain amount of time. I am holding all the cards here on my part but surely you can request when he sees your daughter he has to be alone?? Basta*rd. I geve it 6 months tops. Would love to run a sweepstake. A realtionship built on two cheeter will never work. She is young and she will tire of his farting and mess all too soon. Think of all his annoying habbits darling!!! hope the sh*ts nob drops off. all my love jane xx
floridapad Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Hi Jane Sorry to hear about the latest developments. I know this may sound completely counterintuitive, but oddly enough the quicker those two live together the quicker the "real" world will come upon them. Sure it will take time until they pull out of fantasy land but living together can cause alot of tension with time, between the affair partners. Not sure if she has kids and what the arrangement is but over time that will also get in the way, especially since your H will have to deal with her H. Do your best to stay NC, look great in those brief moments you do see him, stay composed and keep things light and brief. Acceptance of the situation is the fastest path to healing. Take care
Author JaneDoe35 Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 oh jane. I am waiting for that one. Ouch. I am not too sure but you might be able to insist he does not introduce your daughter for a certain amount of time. I am holding all the cards here on my part but surely you can request when he sees your daughter he has to be alone?? Basta*rd. I geve it 6 months tops. Would love to run a sweepstake. A realtionship built on two cheeter will never work. She is young and she will tire of his farting and mess all too soon. Think of all his annoying habbits darling!!! hope the sh*ts nob drops off. all my love jane xx Thanks neet, I am still in shock.....I know it is real but I don't want to believe he could actually go any lower. But he is...... On August 15th I was happy. On August 16th my world came crashing down. I need to accept this is the end but it is so hard. Only 3 days ago he told me he missed me so much and now this???? Your post was funny though. I hope it drops off too!!!! Thanks so much, JD
Author JaneDoe35 Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 Hi Jane Sorry to hear about the latest developments. I know this may sound completely counterintuitive, but oddly enough the quicker those two live together the quicker the "real" world will come upon them. Sure it will take time until they pull out of fantasy land but living together can cause alot of tension with time, between the affair partners. Not sure if she has kids and what the arrangement is but over time that will also get in the way, especially since your H will have to deal with her H. Do your best to stay NC, look great in those brief moments you do see him, stay composed and keep things light and brief. Acceptance of the situation is the fastest path to healing. Take care Hey FP, thanks for your post. I can see what you are saying about how the two of them living together takes away the fantasy.....I did everything for him. Wonder if she will measure up in the long term. I just wish he had come clean right at the start and said - 'I have fallen in love with someone else'....instead of lies piled upon lies. He still says that he does not love her and that he is lonely and needs companionship. Oh please!!!! I am so hurt & angry. I know I need to move to acceptance but I cant seem to find that place!!! Thanks. JD
nobmagnet Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 jane I beleive she will get what she deserves (OW) he just wants a companion?????? WTF GRRRRRRRRRR he had a family, he screwed up, he got what he thought he wanted........................and now appeards to be back peedling. Really jane. Next time he tells you this stuff say I am not interested. It is information I dont require. (NOW F*CK OFF!) you dont need to add the last bit! Head high and wait for it to come crashing down. For it will Jane trust me. neet xx
tojaz Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Hey Tojaz, thanks so much for replying. I am a mess. So very sad. I was feeling a little bit stronger before I heard this. You are right, just when you get a little confidence they affect you again by saying or doing something to reel you in. No more - it is finished. I don't want to move forward without him but clearly he has no intentions of making amends. I have to find a way out of this mess. And I know that nobody can do this for me. It is up to me. Oh by the way, don't contact her. I am only saying that because she needs to be the one to come to you if there is to be any possible future. Well....I think so anyway but I am crying and feeling angry so maybe my advice is a little off!!! Thanks... Not to try and spread false hope Jane, but truth is that he will not miss you until he has truly lost you. Any hint you give him that you are hanging on is just going to give him more line to run with, and run he will. I don't know if you have seen this already, but Lisa found this a while back and it has been posted a number of times. http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/ The whole site is good, but pay special attention to the "standing actions". .....and no, I haven't contacted her. Even though my therapist has even said that she is probably dropping hints. The madness never ends.:o TOJAZ
FeelingLonely98 Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 If he is still throwing I love yous and I miss yous at you, I would make it clear that you will not stand for that while he is living with the OW because that is a slap in the face. JANE: Like you in AUG I was very happy one day and the next day it ALL fell apart. Thank God my STBXW either had NO feelings for me or chose NOT to dangle "hope" in front of me. I can not imagine what that feels like JD. Last Summer my feelings of despair were brought on by myself (I'll never be happy, I can't survive this, I'll be alone forever, ... ETC.). If she did to me what your H is doing to you ... WOW. He is totally disrespecting you, you deserve better ... I know you may love him still but there are better men out there that would want to be with a lovely woman and that would treat you right. The day I decided to "move on" (it was very hard) is the day I started feeling alive again. I had to FORCE myself to get there and I'm so grateful I had the strength. Enjoy your daughter, your world, your family, your friends, your interests, ... and forget about H. He will be "nob"less soon anyways!!! (lol) (nobmagnet's posts always make me smile) PM me anytime JD if it would help ... Take Care - Keep Posting - we're all behind you and await your future posts about how happy you are. PEACE!
Author JaneDoe35 Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 jane I beleive she will get what she deserves (OW) he just wants a companion?????? WTF GRRRRRRRRRR he had a family, he screwed up, he got what he thought he wanted........................and now appeards to be back peedling. Really jane. Next time he tells you this stuff say I am not interested. It is information I dont require. (NOW F*CK OFF!) you dont need to add the last bit! Head high and wait for it to come crashing down. For it will Jane trust me. neet xx Thankyou neet & FL - I know it is time to let go. He kept me hanging on but now he has made the decision for me. Neet - I am so angry and hurt right now that I am praying it will all come crashing down. Hopefully soon I can use that energy to work on a happy future for myself and my daughter. FL - I have always been inspired by your attitude. Even before you met this lovely lady you were really out there fighting to get a life while mourning the loss of your wife. I have an appointment with a lawyer on Friday. I booked it today. Just an initital consultation at first. I do not plan on taking any immediate action but I would like to know where I stand if he makes a legal move. I am shattered but I must pick myself up off the floor (literally) and start living. Never imagined that this man could do this to his little family. Just shows that maybe you never truly know anybody. Even after almost 14 years. When I spoke to him today my last words were 'You have gone - now please let me go too'. I keep looking up asking for help but I know I am meant to find it within myself. I feel like a little girl again. Like I need someone to make all the decisions and fix this. But I am the mother and I have a little girl that needs me. So I am going to need a little pushing here!!!!
FeelingLonely98 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 So I am going to need a little pushing here!!!! You can sign me up to "push" - as well as 100s of other LS friends I'm sure!!!! When I spoke to him today my last words were 'You have gone - now please let me go too'. I hope he finally gets the message.
Author JaneDoe35 Posted January 6, 2010 Author Posted January 6, 2010 They have signed a lease together. He says it is only a temporary arrangement. Yeah sure it is. The finality of it all has really hit me the last couple of days. I am not sure how to cope. Just cant seem to let go. No choice but how do I do it? Where is my anger? I have never really felt extreme anger towards him yet. I don't know why. I really want to hate him. I miss him so much and that it so wrong. He is poison to me. What will I say to my daughter. It is too soon to tell her that Daddy is living with a girl. And I think she is only 21, not 23. My husband is 34. On the 3rd of Jan, he told me that he missed me and loved me. And now this....
floridapad Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 (edited) Jane, The man you miss so much and love is gone. He simply is not the same person anymore. He probably doesn't even know who he is himself anymore. I know it probably doesn't make you feel better, but him moving in with this young "adult" will only speed up the process of their demise. If he is in true MLC, which I think it sounds like he is, it will take quite some time for him to cycle through it. Does he love you? In my opinion yes, but he is one messed up guy and it is going to take alot of time for him to figure out his head and heart and chances are he will just keep drifting for quite a while and may or may not find his way back to you. Can you accept that? This truly is not about you it is 10000% about him. There are a couple of paths you can go down and I'm sure their are others but IMHO you can 1) stand for your marriage and do plenty of research on "standing" (see the link tojaz sent you) and ride through this in the remote hopes that he snaps out of it (it will take along time) or 2) let go and move on. Both of these scenarios at the core though require YOU, to focus on yourself and your healing. All scenarios at this point always point back to healing and focusing of the self and letting go of the images regarding the man and marriage that was once there. Edited January 6, 2010 by floridapad
hopesndreams Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 They have signed a lease together. He says it is only a temporary arrangement. Yeah sure it is. The finality of it all has really hit me the last couple of days. I am not sure how to cope. Just cant seem to let go. No choice but how do I do it? Where is my anger? I have never really felt extreme anger towards him yet. I don't know why. I really want to hate him. I miss him so much and that it so wrong. He is poison to me. What will I say to my daughter. It is too soon to tell her that Daddy is living with a girl. And I think she is only 21, not 23. My husband is 34. On the 3rd of Jan, he told me that he missed me and loved me. And now this.... When he says he loves and misses you, they are just words, his actions speak otherwise. Even now, after letting you know he is going to live with her, he doesn't want to look like the bad guy and doesn't want you to look unfavorably on him. He has not faced what he has done and become and has no clue how much he has hurt you and continues to do so. These are acts of a very selfish man. His new, young woman, who has left her H to be with him, has made him so elated and more full of himself than ever. He won her. He's quite pleased with himself. He doesn't love her either Jane. It was just a conquest and once he has her all to himself, he will become bored, very quickly. She will be his new supply of ego feed but he wants you as backup, in case things don't work out, which they surely won't. Really work on loving you. You do not need this azzhat in your life. Get strong, get ready and when he keeps contact with you, ignore it, for your own sanity. He needs intensive therapy. Has he ever tried to get any? My H did, but it was just another part of his game to keep me in his life. When I didn't fall for it, he stopped going. He will pretty much do anything not to lose you completely. Make promises, etc, but nothing will ever change. He will continue to do what he does and say what you want to hear, as long as you let him. Remember, someone that truly loves you, will not hurt you.
nobmagnet Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 :(Remember, someone that truly loves you, will not hurt you. that is soooooo true. Im sliding backwards too at the moment.:( Had a melt down last night. Im confused why i feel so extreamly upset that he is with her right this minute. Partying and forgetting he has two kids here. My kids have tried to contact him 7 times over the past 10 days. They left messages. Nothing. I cant work out if im upset for them...........or me?? I hape it isnt me. but im very confused too. Im sorry it it still twisting and turning jane. Im there with you. we can do this:love: nob x
Always A Lesson Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Been reading your posts Jane, my heart bleeds for you. Seems your husband is going through a mid-life crisis. Reality will come crashing down on him, right now he's in fairy-tale LA-LA land. A 21 yo doesn't require much, some pizza, facebook, and flip-flops. In time, and believe me IN TIME, reality will kick him in the ARSE. Your weapon IS TO LOOK WONDERFUL (even if you don't feel it) and move on (even if you don't believe it yet). Your mindset should be I don't ever want him back (even if you do deep-down) and when lover-boy gets tired of talking about 21 year old topics like, rap and Green Day, he'll be CRAVING the intellectual stimulating talk he once shared with you. But Guess what??? you may have someone else who's holding your interest and SCREW LOVER_BOY>>> "Boy it's gonna sting him" he's not there yet, Oh but he will be one day! Do I sound angry????? Yep, I'm sick of these selfish lying cheaters.
Author JaneDoe35 Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 Jane, The man you miss so much and love is gone. He simply is not the same person anymore. He probably doesn't even know who he is himself anymore. I know it probably doesn't make you feel better, but him moving in with this young "adult" will only speed up the process of their demise. If he is in true MLC, which I think it sounds like he is, it will take quite some time for him to cycle through it. Does he love you? In my opinion yes, but he is one messed up guy and it is going to take alot of time for him to figure out his head and heart and chances are he will just keep drifting for quite a while and may or may not find his way back to you. Can you accept that? This truly is not about you it is 10000% about him. There are a couple of paths you can go down and I'm sure their are others but IMHO you can 1) stand for your marriage and do plenty of research on "standing" (see the link tojaz sent you) and ride through this in the remote hopes that he snaps out of it (it will take along time) or 2) let go and move on. Both of these scenarios at the core though require YOU, to focus on yourself and your healing. All scenarios at this point always point back to healing and focusing of the self and letting go of the images regarding the man and marriage that was once there. Thanks FP - I am finding this whole messy, heartbreaking business so hard to accept. I phoned her husband to find out if he knew about the apartment. He did but said that his wife told him that her & my husband are only friends. I did not say anything negative to him about his wife. He is very distressed about this too. Because I phoned her husband - she sent me two quite nasty text messages - one stating that she had 'won'. I have never contacted her to abuse her. I have actually been nothing but polite to her. I have never gone to her place of work to confront her. I have even tried not to badmouth her too much to my husband. Why would she be so mean to me? These are lives she is being so nasty about. One is a 9 year old girl's. I had over 13 years with this man and we have a child together. The messages she sent me were almost teenage in their language. Stand or Let Go??? I have read the link that Tojaz posted and my husband is doing all the things mentioned. It is scary almost to see his actions on a computer screen....not written by me. He is asking for money and for settlement to occur now, out of court. He says if I give him cash now he will not ask for anything more. I am not sure what to do. I want to let go but I cant seem to friggin do it.
Author JaneDoe35 Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 When he says he loves and misses you, they are just words, his actions speak otherwise. Even now, after letting you know he is going to live with her, he doesn't want to look like the bad guy and doesn't want you to look unfavorably on him. He has not faced what he has done and become and has no clue how much he has hurt you and continues to do so. These are acts of a very selfish man. His new, young woman, who has left her H to be with him, has made him so elated and more full of himself than ever. He won her. He's quite pleased with himself. He doesn't love her either Jane. It was just a conquest and once he has her all to himself, he will become bored, very quickly. She will be his new supply of ego feed but he wants you as backup, in case things don't work out, which they surely won't. Really work on loving you. You do not need this azzhat in your life. Get strong, get ready and when he keeps contact with you, ignore it, for your own sanity. He needs intensive therapy. Has he ever tried to get any? My H did, but it was just another part of his game to keep me in his life. When I didn't fall for it, he stopped going. He will pretty much do anything not to lose you completely. Make promises, etc, but nothing will ever change. He will continue to do what he does and say what you want to hear, as long as you let him. Remember, someone that truly loves you, will not hurt you. Thanks so much hopesndreams, you are right - just words and lies at that. He will not even own up to what he is doing. Says I shouldn't look at it as being against me. Pardon? You are moving in with the married 21 year old who I discovered you were cheating with.... He promised me he would get therapy but I don't think that he has started that as yet. We never see him. He works & now lives 3 hours away. I have no idea what he does anymore. It sounds like you heard all the same lies from your husband..... He is begging me for money. My girl cried last night. Big tears from big hurt eyes. So wrong. To those who leave - please know that your children will never let you see them cry. They will be brave in front of you. They will answer 'good', 'fine' to your questions. Because they don't want to hurt you. Now fancy that - a child not wanting to hurt the parent who has abandoned them. Please know that your betrayed wife or husband - while trying to cope with their own loss and grief - must generally appear to have everything under control, must try and balance the unbalanceable finances, must answer all the questions from family/friends, must try and concentrate at work and above all must try and answer questions from the children such as 'If Daddy loves us then why cant he be with us'? I know that things will get better, they have to, but this is how I feel right now.
Author JaneDoe35 Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 Been reading your posts Jane, my heart bleeds for you. Seems your husband is going through a mid-life crisis. Reality will come crashing down on him, right now he's in fairy-tale LA-LA land. A 21 yo doesn't require much, some pizza, facebook, and flip-flops. In time, and believe me IN TIME, reality will kick him in the ARSE. Your weapon IS TO LOOK WONDERFUL (even if you don't feel it) and move on (even if you don't believe it yet). Your mindset should be I don't ever want him back (even if you do deep-down) and when lover-boy gets tired of talking about 21 year old topics like, rap and Green Day, he'll be CRAVING the intellectual stimulating talk he once shared with you. But Guess what??? you may have someone else who's holding your interest and SCREW LOVER_BOY>>> "Boy it's gonna sting him" he's not there yet, Oh but he will be one day! Do I sound angry????? Yep, I'm sick of these selfish lying cheaters. Hi there Always A Lesson, enjoyed your post!! I have added you as a contact so you can see who you are reading about. Look wonderful.... Move on...... I don't ever want him back..... Those are the things I need to do/feel. Might go take a long hot bath and ponder!!! What is your story? Will go see if I can find it on here. Thanks so much. JD
nobmagnet Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 jane, he has got a blummin nerve!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF?????? money for him??? I dont think so. Dont consider anything your self. Leave it to you lawyer give you lawyer all your proof and documentation of his affaire and his cold and rubbish behaviour toward you and your daughter. Money....................NO NO NO. He has made his choice. If he is skint...........tough he shouldnt pork an immature tart. You and your daughter ar priotity here any court will see that. Get cross. your future depends on it. If i could get my hands on him and his tart.................grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Get dolled up next time he fetches your daughter and pretend you are very busy and important and on your way out for a night on the town. nob xxx
stillafool Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Wow Jane, just read your thread. So, so sorry for what your husband has put you and your daughter through. This man has lied, lied and told more lies to you. The OW is a piece of dirt as she lies when you first contacted her "I don't know what you are talking about...", and then to actually get angry at you for telling her H when she is f--king yours! You are nice because the paramedics would be trying everything possible to get my foot out of her a$$ and my fist out of his throat. Whew! okay let me calm down. If I were you I would not even speak to H again. Is there anyone who can be your "mouthpiece" through this whole ordeal. I think your talking to him, hearing his voice is keeping you in pain. I understand you two have a daughter and certain things need to be discussed as well as finances; but if you have a sister or a close friend who can handle these conversations and relay back to you it would be better. I feel so sad for you.
stillafool Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 jane, he has got a blummin nerve!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF?????? money for him??? I dont think so. Of course he needs money! He has a 22 year old. Make him get a second job to support her if he needs more money!
FeelingLonely98 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 If I were you I would not even speak to H again. Is there anyone who can be your "mouthpiece" through this whole ordeal. I think your talking to him, hearing his voice is keeping you in pain. I understand you two have a daughter and certain things need to be discussed as well as finances; but if you have a sister or a close friend who can handle these conversations and relay back to you it would be better. I feel so sad for you. saf - I think we all want a piece of Jane's H - what a dirtbag he is. Now he wants money. NEVER. I think the advice above about not speaking anymore would work wonders for you JD. When my STBXW walked out she would have happy to have never spoken to me again and THAT helped me !!! If we had been in constant contact it would have most likely been excruciating for me. Now in 5 months I am TOTALLY over her and have moved on - probably a lot to do with the NC for the last 4 months. (The only contact was absolutley(?) necessary, divorce paper discussions, cat issues, ...) We arre ALL pulling for YOU Jane. Follow the advice given in the last few days - it will work wonders for you my friend. PEACE!
FeelingLonely98 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Quote: Originally Posted by nobmagnet jane, he has got a blummin nerve!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF?????? money for him??? I dont think so. Of course he needs money! He has a 22 year old. Make him get a second job to support her if he needs more money! Or let the OW get a freaking job!!!:mad::mad:
nobmagnet Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 yeah he could put her on the streets.................its obvious that is where he found the tart!!!!!! soz but hell !!!!!!!!!!!! nob xx
worlybear Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Hi Jane Doe. Know exactly how you feel. I found out a year ago that my H was cheating. We had been married 27 years and have 5 children. Our youngest daughter is 8. He lost his job, due to affair, I had to change work (all 3 of us worked at the small school) and my daughter had to change schools. It has not been an easy year and ,like you I felt that life wasn't worth living and tried very hard to save our marriage. Sad fact is that once your partner decides he wants out, nothing can change his mind. Be there for your daughter. At 8 she will be very aware of the situation. If possible encourage her to see him and vice versa- My daughter was heart broken at xmas as her father decided to be with his new family (the ow has a 9 year old daughter.) Despite all the pain of the last year that was the lowest point for me- children don't deserve to be overlooked- and it made me view my H in a whole new light. I'm not saying that my life is a bed of roses-far from it, but I have made some good, solid friends(male and female) and counselling is helping. My life is not taking the path I expected but I have gradually come to accept that I am capable of moving forward by myself and standing strong ,being a positive role model for my family. Thinking of you:bunny:
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