Question for women: Why do women fall for jerks?

[Taramere]

Exactly. You always say it better Taramere!

 

Thanks S, but I fear it might be more a case of me saying it very wordily.

 

Being a "jerk" or "gullible fool" is often a matter of situational perception. I'm sure a person can be honorable in a relationship despite less honorable actions made years ago or in other unsuccessful relationships. A person can have an unhealthy relationship with one person but it doesn't mean they will forever have unhealthy relationships.

 

That's the thing. We're all capable of being jerks if we're with or around people we just don't spark well off.....or have stopped sparking well off. I think it's human to consider people to be all-out jerks when we feel rejected by them or come into conflict with them, but it isn't necessarily fair or rational. Nor does it help us improve our own communicating/relating methods.

 

These thread themes have a tendency to be more about shaming and assigning blame rather than fostering a better understanding.

 

I know. When the OP said he was writing a book about this, my first thought was "Oh for Christ's sake." But then again, what do I know? I've never read "He's just not that into you" - as the title is enough for me. I'd feel the same about something with a title like "how to spot a jerk". It would be difficult to imagine that someone selecting a title like that would be delving into the area of relationships seriously, helpfully and in a measured manner.

 

These books seem to sell like crazy though. Perhaps because they tap into people's more child-like beliefs about themselves, other people and the world. I think I'll spend the next few days writing a book called "Learn to avoid jerks and rule the universe in 12 easy steps."

[Isolde]

The fact remains that some people are habitual jerks and those people, are motivated by different things in a relationship than non-jerks. Someone who is mean to their partner due to situational factors or inherent incompatibilities isn't necessarily a jerk but this could easily be an indicator of such. In general, I think people are free to choose their romantic partners and walk away when it's evident things aren't working out. I don't believe it's necessary to date a series of jerks before realizing what you need in an R, but I do believe some women are attracted to this personality type for a variety of reasons of their own. Other women may find themselves getting unwittingly attracting this type, time and time again, and in those cases I think it's legitimate to try to avoid it in the future through better self understanding.

[Hkizzle]

It is neuro-linguistic programming and it is not an exclusive male ability effecting only women nor is it limited to dating. You're book will be as faulty as the book inspiring it because it suggests women are natural born victims and men are natural born victimizers. Who are you hoping to help really?

 

Women play games with men though.

 

But lets say the book "He's just not that into you". You think it would sell better if they made the title "HE and SHe is just not that into you"?

 

Come on, there's got to be a target audience. Also I don't have the credentials to explain how women manipulate men. Although I know how and it's similar to how men manipulate women, the only difference being the motive is different, if I say I know who women do it, people will say how you know?

 

I can however say I know how men do it simply because I'm friends with lots of jerks and can break down exactly what they do to get women to like them.

[Hkizzle]

These books seem to sell like crazy though. Perhaps because they tap into people's more child-like beliefs about themselves, other people and the world. I think I'll spend the next few days writing a book called "Learn to avoid jerks and rule the universe in 12 easy steps."

 

No, it's the other way around. Most people have child like beliefs and books help them get a different point of view.

 

There are few books out there so well written they can change someone's life. But considering $10 isn't much and neither is a few hours spent reading, they sell like hotcakes because a few good ideas for $10 isn't much.

[CaliGuy]

The only definitive way to spot insincere men is through time and exposure. Once you get a baseline pattern for behaviour, look to deviations. Consider it a form of trending analysis!

 

Disagree

 

Not just time, but their actions. Like I said before, if every one of their actions is self-centered then you can pretty much spot a jerk/player right off the bat.

 

Actions, actions, actions. Always actions. Don't listen to words because words lie but actions never do.

[You'reasian]

Disagree

 

Not just time, but their actions. Like I said before, if every one of their actions is self-centered then you can pretty much spot a jerk/player right off the bat.

 

Actions, actions, actions. Always actions. Don't listen to words because words lie but actions never do.

 

I think the only way you can really spot a jerk or player is by taking the risk of getting to know someone. Most people cannot watch a person 24/7 in their entireity - and see what they do, whether they are self-centered or not.

 

If someone is generous or believes in causes greater than himself, so what? That's not a trait that most women value, at least initially. How many dates have you heard a woman say - "Wow, check out this guys generosity/selflessness!!!"

 

Its not a trait that you can really demonstrate in such a short amount of time. Its a long-term character trait.

 

Some folks believe in hiding their good deeds or atleast not drawing attention to them. That's humility, I suppose.

[CaliGuy]

I think the only way you can really spot a jerk or player is by taking the risk of getting to know someone. Most people cannot watch a person 24/7 in their entireity - and see what they do' date=' whether they are self-centered or not.[/quote']

 

Let me clarify. I mean what they do in relation to you. If their motivation for everything they do when they are WITH you (and sometimes without) is for self-pleasure with no regard (literally) to you, well, IMHO, there ya go.

 

If someone is generous or believes in causes greater than himself, so what? That's not a trait that most women value, at least initially. How many dates have you heard a woman say - "Wow, check out this guys generosity/selflessness!!!"

 

I'm not talking about being overly generous. I am simply talking about not having much regard for anyone but themselves. And they usually make that very clear right off the bat.

 

Its not a trait that you can really demonstrate in such a short amount of time. Its a long-term character trait.

 

Well if you're paying attention to red flags I think you can spot this fairly quickly.

 

Some folks believe in hiding their good deeds or atleast not drawing attention to them. That's humility, I suppose.

 

That's what a GOOD man does. He does good things not for self-promotion of motivation but because he LIKES to do good things. It's how it makes him feel, not what he'll "get" for doing it.

 

(eg: Like buying a woman dinner and expecting her to sleep with you that night on the first date. That's what IMHO a player/jerk would do).

[You'reasian]

Let me clarify. I mean what they do in relation to you. If their motivation for everything they do when they are WITH you (and sometimes without) is for self-pleasure with no regard (literally) to you, well, IMHO, there ya go.

 

That's what a GOOD man does. He does good things not for self-promotion of motivation but because he LIKES to do good things. It's how it makes him feel, not what he'll "get" for doing it.

 

(eg: Like buying a woman dinner and expecting her to sleep with you that night on the first date. That's what IMHO a player/jerk would do).

 

I agree with you. Most good deeds don't go unnoticed, but personally I do them because I believe in them and the good that they can do. I usually try to keep them under the radar.

 

I buy people dinner all the time or snacks or what have you.

 

On my last coffee date, I bought my girl coffee. It wasn't expensive, but I believe in paying because it feels natural - although I am ok if the woman does sometimes.

[CaliGuy]

I agree with you. Most good deeds don't go unnoticed, but personally I do them because I believe in them and the good that they can do. I usually try to keep them under the radar.

 

I buy people dinner all the time or snacks or what have you.

 

On my last coffee date, I bought my girl coffee. It wasn't expensive, but I believe in paying because it feels natural - although I am ok if the woman does sometimes.

 

Excellent.

 

I often buy co-workers lunch when we go together. The other day I took one of my casual work friends and bought his lunch. He immediately looked at me and said "Why?!"

 

And I said "Coz I want to...."

 

It's funny that he questioned the reason that I was buying lunch. I do it all the time, not because I expect something in return -- but because I like to and it makes ME feel good to surprise someone. I don't want anything from them and I don't ask that they buy my lunch. I just do it.

 

When I am on a date with a woman and I spend a lot of money (CaliGuy does NOT do cheap dinners! -- last date I spent $150.00) there are no expectations. I'm going because I enjoy classy places to eat and I want peace and quiet so I can really learn something about my date.

 

It's never about "can I get her skirt off?!" -- even if I want to, because I don't want to come off as cheap. I'm evaluating the women I go on dates with for the long haul.

 

Players, Jerks, male-sluts (whatever you wanna call them) have an agenda. It's mostly to boink as many women as they can. They aren't concerned with these women and how their indiscretion is going to harm them. It's about getting their needs met come hell or high water.

 

And to me, that is the polar opposite of what being a good, well-balanced man is all about.

[Hkizzle]

Dude, you sound like a decent guy, again a personal question and again I'm not gay.

 

But you say you haven't found the one yet. Are you meeting women and all of them have a problem? Are you being too picky? What's the qualities of a right match?

[CaliGuy]

Dude, you sound like a decent guy, again a personal question and again I'm not gay.

 

But you say you haven't found the one yet. Are you meeting women and all of them have a problem? Are you being too picky? What's the qualities of a right match?

 

Meh it's a mix.

 

I have high standards (I bring a lot to the table as a potential husband/father, etc). That's ok, they are NOT unrealistic at all. I mean, I am not looking for a super-model hot wife with a rich family, lol! NOT AT ALL. I'm looking for someone who I consider normal.

 

What I have found, especially with women my age or near my age is that they have some major issues that I would prefer not to deal with (can't keep a job, still heartbroken from a divorce, have no aspirations, psycho exes, etc)

 

Again, I am having a GREAT time going on dates and when I find someone who sparks my interest, I'll pursue it.

 

In the meantime, I'm just enjoying life. I used to have a sense of urgency. That's slowly going away

[Trialbyfire]

Disagree

 

Not just time, but their actions. Like I said before, if every one of their actions is self-centered then you can pretty much spot a jerk/player right off the bat.

 

Actions, actions, actions. Always actions. Don't listen to words because words lie but actions never do.

The deviations I'm talking about, are when words and actions don't mesh.

 

If you gauge solely by actions, actions are in the present. Take for example the guy who says to a woman "I'm not much for commitment" but his actions are that he spends time with you and is loving. It would be an outright fail for the woman to listen to his actions. His words say that he's not committed, therefore, he has an escape hatch.

 

Another scenario would be if a guy says "I don't believe in marriage or want children" but he's with you and the two of you have a great time together. But...the woman has a future goal in mind, whereby she wants to be with someone who has the same goals, of marriage and children. While he's a good time guy she can play with, this is not the guy to take seriously, same as the guy in the previous example.

 

Words and actions need to mesh and equal.

[CaliGuy]

The deviations I'm talking about, are when words and actions don't mesh.

 

If you gauge solely by actions, actions are in the present. Take for example the guy who says to a woman "I'm not much for commitment" but his actions are that he spends time with you and is loving. It would be an outright fail for the woman to listen to his actions. His words say that he's not committed, therefore, he has an escape hatch.

 

Another scenario would be if a guy says "I don't believe in marriage or want children" but he's with you and the two of you have a great time together. But...the woman has a future goal in mind, whereby she wants to be with someone who has the same goals, of marriage and children. While he's a good time guy she can play with, this is not the guy to take seriously, same as the guy in the previous example.

 

Words and actions need to mesh and equal.

 

True.

 

In my examples I am talking about the "I really love you" statements but their actions prove otherwise. Not being attentive to her needs, always making his needs a priority over hers, etc. There are a million examples but you get where I am going with this.

 

I totally agree words and actions need to mesh but what I am simply saying is that players will TELL you what you want to hear but when it comes to backing it up with action, they often fall short.

[bac]

What kind of jerk? It is too general.

 

I do not think that I would fall for a guy just because he is a jerk.

 

I fall for guys who are good at sex. If sex is good for a girl, she will get attached and fall for a guy.

[Brady_to_Moss]

Nice, smart, sexy women have always dated jerks..but i will never be one..their loss.

[Brady_to_Moss]

What kind of jerk? It is too general.

 

 

I fall for guys who are good at sex. If sex is good for a girl, she will get attached and fall for a guy.

 

 

I would hope a girl would not fall for someone based on sex...sex is the icing on the cake..not the whole cake.

[Thaddeus]

sex is the icing on the cake..not the whole cake.

Say that after you've lived in a sexless relationship for a year or more.

[You'reasian]

What type of women are you looking at here that fall for jerks? You're average nice girl or your super hotties? Cause I always find it funny that average joes complain about women falling for jerks but it's usually because the women they are looking at are these club-like girls that like to party.

 

Love the average nice girl. As a matter of fact, I've expressed interest in her. She's intelligent, shares similar interests and seems to have a bright personality.

[CaliGuy]

Say that after you've lived in a sexless relationship for a year or more.

 

When you truly love someone, the sex can be average or borderline bad and you'll stay, because you love them.

 

Someone who loves someone because the "sex is good" and that's the main reason why will eventually leave if the sex dwindles or stops becoming good.

 

Therefore....

 

LOVE > SEX

 

Sex is still important, just not the backbone of a healthy relationship.

[You'reasian]

I've found that sex that is so-so to decent in the begining usually gets better as you get used to her and as you grow closer.

[Hkizzle]

When you truly love someone, the sex can be average or borderline bad and you'll stay, because you love them.

 

Someone who loves someone because the "sex is good" and that's the main reason why will eventually leave if the sex dwindles or stops becoming good.

 

Therefore....

 

LOVE > SEX

 

Sex is still important, just not the backbone of a healthy relationship.

 

I think sex is a good barometer of a healthy relationship. I've talked to a couple of women whose husbands no longer want to have sex with them, and it's not because of stress at work.

 

The ugly truth is the men are no longer in love with the women.

[CaliGuy]

I think sex is a good barometer of a healthy relationship. I've talked to a couple of women whose husbands no longer want to have sex with them, and it's not because of stress at work.

 

The ugly truth is the men are no longer in love with the women.

 

Fo'Shizzle, HKizzle!!!

 

If they aren't having sex with their wife, it's normally because while they may LOVE them but are no longer IN LOVE with them.