Affair sex

[jennie-jennie]

I am so much happier in my affair with extraordinary and frequent sex than in my (second) long term relationship with OK but not frequent enough sex.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

Crazy thing is, if I thought about sex with my W I felt I was cheating on my OW. Sick..I know.

 

As for how it compared. There has never been anyone else that has ever been able to sexually satisfy me like my xOW. It was so much better than any other sexual relationship that it's not even funny.

 

That's similar to what I said in another thread...that as sick as it sounds: I don't like the idea of my MM having sex with his W since we're having sex so much. Even though I know I have absolutely NO right WHATSOEVER to think that. I still do. I can't sleep with two men at the same time and it hurts me to think that my MM may very well be sleeping with both his wife and me (even though I don't expect him to ever leave her and I don't even want that. At least I don't want that right now...) And, of course, the emotional connections he has to both of us. Or, at the very least, the purported one has w/ me and the one he has w/ his W of nine years.

 

He has two young children -- 3 and 4 -- and he has said numerous times that children really change a marriage. He doesn't elaborate on that. He has also said -- like you said about your xOW -- that the sex we have together is the best he's had. I don't know whether he's just saying that in order to have more sex with me, whether it's the "fog" of the A that's making him think that or if it's real. But, regardless, it is amazing sex for the time being. Whatever is causing it to be so.

 

Your former A fascinates me -- it sounds similar to what I am going through now, except your further along in the cycle. My A started in March and has grown so much since then both emotionally and physically. You said yours lasted 10 months, right? Was there a point at which it became more than just fun and uncomplicated (which is many times the reason MM have As, it seems). In other words, was there a turning point in it at all? I think I just breached that in my A...

 

Was there a reason why you didn't think things could work out with your XOW and that was one thing that kept you from not leaving your wife? Or, was it more the duty/obligation you feel toward your family as to why you're not getting out of your M? I could see my MM doing precisely what you've done...

 

It sounds like you're really thinking through it logically though; I really admire that. I hope you come to a resolution of sorts...

[Devil Inside]

DI, don't answer this if you feel it is too private. But how is your sex life now with your W? You have taken up sex with her again, right? Can you put OW out of your mind while having sex with your W now?

 

I have no problem answering the question. One of the things that LS has given me, is a forum to express how I feel to others and have them reflect to me how it sounds. I know that what happens in my heart and head are sometimes way out there...it feels good to get feedback in an anonymous forum.

 

How is my sex life now?...Well, it's complicated. After the affair it took about a month for me to even think about being able to have sex with anybody. I felt that maybe having sex with my W would help me bound to her more. So we resumed our sex life. We had a lot of talks about what was wrong before. We found that we have both been dissatisfied. We would both like to have better and more frequent sex. The dialogue really helped. However, we are in a catch 22. The major issue I have with being sexually attracted to my wife is that she is not confident with her sexuality. She is not confident with her body. This makes it hard for me. She likes lights off, sex with eyes closed, not very risk taking. Hard for me to feel like she is sexy..when she doesn't. So the other side of the dilemma is...she can sense I am not attracted and that shoots down her confidence. She's always struggles with self-esteem, and my emotional distance has not helped.

 

So we have had some good sex, better then it's been in years...but it is different. I have a really hard time not thinking of my xOW when I am sexually with my W. Then I feel guilty. It ruins things for me. Then later I miss the sexual freedom of my A. Then I feel shallow for placing so much importance on sex.

 

Sex is a big deal for me I am learning. I told my xOW "before you I lived in black and white, and now my world is in color." It wasn't only the sex...it was the connection...the relationship. You know when you look someone in the eyes and you "know" them. Like finally finding the one person I've been with in all my past lives or something. However, she is not who I made a committment to. She is not the mother of my children. She is not an option.

 

So I hope I can make it work with my wife. I have had success lately with staying present in sex with her, without my xOW creeping into my mind. It's just complicated.

[Devil Inside]

 

 

Was there a point at which it became more than just fun and uncomplicated (which is many times the reason MM have As, it seems). In other words, was there a turning point in it at all? I think I just breached that in my A...

 

Was there a reason why you didn't think things could work out with your XOW and that was one thing that kept you from not leaving your wife? Or, was it more the duty/obligation you feel toward your family as to why you're not getting out of your M? I could see my MM doing precisely what you've done...

 

It sounds like you're really thinking through it logically though; I really admire that. I hope you come to a resolution of sorts...

 

There was a turning point in the A. It came very early. We met on a website for married people that just want to flirt or whatever. We hit it off instantly. Once we began talking it was obvious we had crazy chemistry. We met each other a month later. We live about eight hours from each other...so we just started driving and met halfway. The minute she pulled up next to my car...I knew it was over. We kissed before even saying hi. That was the turning point...that I met her. When it went from an EA to a PA...I knew I would fall. We both did...I love yous came soon. We started to plan a future a few months later. It got heavy. We both had times where doubt would creep in, and we fought. The highs were high...but it was also so hard to not be together.

 

The reason I didn't leave my wife was a combination of the to things you mentioned. For one, my xOW was just finishing a divorce. She separated from her H a month into our A. Her ex H was pretty bitter. She had two young children. I felt that he would have fought her if she wanted to leave the state with them to be with me. Then on my end my W made it clear if we got a D she could not make it financially and would want to move to her home state..twelve hours a way to be by her parents. So for it to work...we would have to go through serious custody fights, and then I would risk having my kids in another state. In the end it seemed too much to risk.

 

I also felt horrible about what I did to my W. We did not have a horrible marriage...just one where passion and sex was really lacking, or not what I wanted. Kids do change things...alot. However, even before kids, the sex and passion were good but never great.

 

As for admiring me...please...don't. My xOW made the decision for me. I was on the fence. She finally ended it for her sake, and she said that she could not live with me leaving my kids, because she knew I would regret her for it in the future. She said that she wanted to marry me, but with time she realized...I would never leave. To her credit..she made the right choice. It hurts me that I put her in the spot to be an OW...I know it has left her with some wounds. In another time and place we would have been very happy...at least now we both have the chance to really heal, grow, and be happy and healthy in other relationships.

[Sanafa]

I have no problem answering the question. One of the things that LS has given me, is a forum to express how I feel to others and have them reflect to me how it sounds. I know that what happens in my heart and head are sometimes way out there...it feels good to get feedback in an anonymous forum.

 

How is my sex life now?...Well, it's complicated. After the affair it took about a month for me to even think about being able to have sex with anybody. I felt that maybe having sex with my W would help me bound to her more. So we resumed our sex life. We had a lot of talks about what was wrong before. We found that we have both been dissatisfied. We would both like to have better and more frequent sex. The dialogue really helped. However, we are in a catch 22. The major issue I have with being sexually attracted to my wife is that she is not confident with her sexuality. She is not confident with her body. This makes it hard for me. She likes lights off, sex with eyes closed, not very risk taking. Hard for me to feel like she is sexy..when she doesn't. So the other side of the dilemma is...she can sense I am not attracted and that shoots down her confidence. She's always struggles with self-esteem, and my emotional distance has not helped.

 

So we have had some good sex, better then it's been in years...but it is different. I have a really hard time not thinking of my xOW when I am sexually with my W. Then I feel guilty. It ruins things for me. Then later I miss the sexual freedom of my A. Then I feel shallow for placing so much importance on sex.

 

Sex is a big deal for me I am learning. I told my xOW "before you I lived in black and white, and now my world is in color." It wasn't only the sex...it was the connection...the relationship. You know when you look someone in the eyes and you "know" them. Like finally finding the one person I've been with in all my past lives or something. However, she is not who I made a committment to. She is not the mother of my children. She is not an option.

 

So I hope I can make it work with my wife. I have had success lately with staying present in sex with her, without my xOW creeping into my mind. It's just complicated.

 

I know I am the OW but always felt like we were two peas in a pod DI.

 

I think primarily because I see how emotionally driven you are and I am guessing you were very open emotionally and sexually with your OW - as was my MM.

 

He once said.... You are full of color and I don't know if I can close the door now that it has been open.

 

I think their relationship (based of course on what he has said) is very similar. He loves his wife, no question nor did he ever suggest different. But they had challenges and both felt they never had intimacy. He use to call his wifes lack of interest/indifference, her short comings... Use to drive me right up the wall, even after dday.

 

No one has "shortcomings"..... we are simply different, different needs different views and the challenge I seen was similar to what you have describe.

 

We had a long discussion a couple weeks after dday and I wrote a long email to him sharing what I believe even today were simply fair thoughts regarding the challenges they will face.

 

For me as a woman, who was clearly vanilla in a relationship to begin with - I cannot see how the information she learned ( 10 years of Dom's and a 10 month EA/PA affair) could ever help her to gain confidence. He shared with her that I gave him unconditional love, and allowed him to "be".... he also shared two rather unique experiences we had together.

 

I am not talking as the OW here... ( amazingly I have been in a traditional relationship as well). I am talking about being a woman who finds out that her "concerns" about herself may be correct. That every night I would have to think about the OW and their relationship giving the man I love, what he needs.

 

Obviously I don't know how sex is with them, and much like you I imagine he wasn't active for sometime after DDay ( not because I think I am overly special but because he too is connected emotionally)

 

As for the MM trying..... how about giving the wife what you gave us. Again, just a suggestion but how about playing with her. Sending her a note, not a " affair sorry note".

 

Maybe in the morning a hey...did you know you looked great this morning. Or anything you can think of that isn't too over the top that will undoubtly make her smile and while her insecurities may initial want to excuse your thoughts... she will still benifit from them. I am sure it will take a long long time, but incorporating the playfullness of two people enjoying each other...may lead her to increasing her confidence and in turn you may find her sexier than you could imagine. BTW, I trully think confidence is what the man's brain finds attractive....... the rest comes from a couple nurturing that confidenence in both and beginning to trust each other.

 

I may always wonder if they will truly survive as they both have mountains to climb. So much pain for everyone but I hope that with time, and patience that they will love each other enough to build what they need or let each other go to allow each other to find what they need.

 

I am adamant there is no right or wrong here...... needs differ from every person and while the actions may be wrong the needs cannot be altered and are either met or buried until someone pulls them out of you.

[NoIDidn't]

I can't say that I have ever had "affair sex". I have had sex with a man that I knew was cheating on someone else. It was pretty good too. But it doesn't qualify as "affair sex". LOL.

 

I find it interesting that the MMs have said that children change a marriage. I would like to elaborate on that a little.

 

When I had my first child, my H was always worried about what the baby might hear or see. I didn't care. But because he did, it meant that sex went from several times a week/day to maybe once a week/month for a while.

 

By the third child, we both had similar hang ups because the oldest was now able walk around, talk, and ask questions (being 4-years-old) about what was seen. Or worst yet, tell grandma and grandpa (and anyone else who would listen) what was seen. LOL. So, again, sex suffered. Having to stop in the middle and not get to finish because of a child's nightmare. Having sex become a series of quickies! You name it. I can see why a MM with children would tell his OW that he was having the best sex. I can also imagine, that like DI discovered, his W is also feeling the same way.

 

I agree that children change a marriage, especially the frequency AND QUALITY of sexual encounters.

[Sanafa]

Affair sex isn't all the frequent... for most. We seen each other several times a week, luckier than most but not every visit was in the bedroom.

 

As far as kids... I get the challenges....but again, I know many couples that make the time to have a date, even if it means getting out and renting a room by the "hour'... and no I am not talking about a super 8.... a nice getaway, even in your own city.

 

Relationships that thrive put importance on everyone's needs and while I can understand the challenges with little ones, many of the MM we see here are well into their 40's and have teenage children at home.

 

Don't know about you...but in my teens..... I was never home and certainly knew enough to not go into a bedroom when the door was closed..... god, just the thought would have kept me out while my parents were playing:laugh:

[lovesex2009]

I've had two affairs. The first was the dangerous type... The wild roller coaster and we were 'soul mates, partners, till the end of time'. Yeah, right. That came crashing down with discovery by his wife. He was still gung-ho, I suddenly and miraculously saw my partner for who and what he is. Strangely, we have very little in common. Who'd have thunk?

 

I should mention here that I'm in a sexless marriage that exists now for purely practical reasons: Finances and raising children. There is no sex in this house. I'm not fooling around, because who would I be fooling around on?

 

And here is the present.... A wonderful, respectful, erotic, wild sex ride with the most intelligent man imaginable. We expect nothing from the other except incredible sex and mind-blowing conversation about everything under the sun, in a controlled meeting every two weeks. Just when I think we've pushed another boundary, another appears. We are mature, like-minded, and love each other for the right reasons. Not that we'd ever articulate that, because who needs the added complication?

 

I wouldn't give this affair up. No way, no how. We both go home to our 'roommates' ready to face the days ahead with the incredible knowledge that we couldn't have asked for a better deal. Respect doesn't always exist in a marriage, and neither does hot sex. And marriage vows are rarely adhered to. But if you can find the RIGHT affair partner, devise your own clear rules of engagement, you can certainly find what we all hope for in this life. Passion, friendship, respect and understanding.

 

But for goodness sakes, for those of you who are new to the game, keep your heads on straight, limit your technological trail, and park it at the door when you return home. If you start getting all giddy and 'in love', you will get busted.

[Gamine]

I've had two affairs. The first was the dangerous type... The wild roller coaster and we were 'soul mates, partners, till the end of time'. Yeah, right. That came crashing down with discovery by his wife. He was still gung-ho, I suddenly and miraculously saw my partner for who and what he is. Strangely, we have very little in common. Who'd have thunk?

 

I should mention here that I'm in a sexless marriage that exists now for purely practical reasons: Finances and raising children. There is no sex in this house. I'm not fooling around, because who would I be fooling around on?

 

And here is the present.... A wonderful, respectful, erotic, wild sex ride with the most intelligent man imaginable. We expect nothing from the other except incredible sex and mind-blowing conversation about everything under the sun, in a controlled meeting every two weeks. Just when I think we've pushed another boundary, another appears. We are mature, like-minded, and love each other for the right reasons. Not that we'd ever articulate that, because who needs the added complication?

 

I wouldn't give this affair up. No way, no how. We both go home to our 'roommates' ready to face the days ahead with the incredible knowledge that we couldn't have asked for a better deal. Respect doesn't always exist in a marriage, and neither does hot sex. And marriage vows are rarely adhered to. But if you can find the RIGHT affair partner, devise your own clear rules of engagement, you can certainly find what we all hope for in this life. Passion, friendship, respect and understanding.

 

But for goodness sakes, for those of you who are new to the game, keep your heads on straight, limit your technological trail, and park it at the door when you return home. If you start getting all giddy and 'in love', you will get busted.

 

 

This sounds more like a *uck buddy than an affair. I'm happy for you that you've found a way to assemble the total package by taking bits and pieces from those around you and make the best use of them. How warm your home must be. A man who you use financially and dudes who you screw for pleasure. Kudos, I suppose. However, I suppose you should enjoy it while it lasts and take the appropriate precautions to assure that you don't wind up with one of those pesky little germs that don't respond to modern day medicine. My heavens, that might put a damper on the fun.

[tami-chan]

As long as you are satisfied with whatever is taking place between you... you won't search for it. No matter how sweet the sex is there is a whole part of this man that he hasn't given to you. At what point does this intimacy begin to feel like false intimacy? Is it about love.... and forgive me for being blunt... or is it about getting laid? Honestly, it comes across as getting laid. Do you really love this guy? Do you want him? Or is this just something to do for the time being? Honestly, it seems like you are giving yourself the shaft. Unless you have no emotion involved I don't know how it cannot eat at you deeply that he is still doing what he is doing with you with another woman... namely his wife. I'm not passing judgement. I just don't get it. On one hand it seems you are just killing time and this seems to be just as good as anything to do for the time being. He sleeps with you etc... But you know in your heart of hearts that you really want more from him. How do you manage to deprive yourself of having a whole person just for you? I mean you can have it all. Why don't you want it? It is as if you keep going to the same empty well day after day hoping water will show up. Why not open yourself to the possibility of falling in love with someone who has the actual capacity to love you back with the entirety of who he is?

 

Jennie-jennie has shared with us how much more her relationship with the MM is..(more than just sex, that is). Is your response based solely on that one statement that she made above? I suspect it is(otherwise you would not even come up with such a poorly masked denigration), if it is, then I doubt that it was meant to ask for profound and meaningful questions or the need to undestand jj, rather, it is designed to invalidate (not that she needs validation from anybody) what she and her MM have-which is both intimate and profound. This is a very subterranean swipe at her and to other OWs. Good but obvious.

[Devil Inside]

 

But for goodness sakes, for those of you who are new to the game, keep your heads on straight, limit your technological trail, and park it at the door when you return home. If you start getting all giddy and 'in love', you will get busted.

 

That's the issue for me...this whole thing was not a game. I am not a game player. Never have been good at it. I have always had a GF and guys are always like..."man you're such a player." I'm not...I always fall for the woman. What I am...is a very open, intense, emotionally connected, romantic, sexual, and sensual man. I have never had a problem connected with women and starting relationships...but, oh, the endings, how they have hurt.

 

If I've learned anything for myself...it's that I am not the A type. I cannot separate sex and emotional connection. I know saying that would have some guys saying I should lose my "man card" but it's the truth...and admitting that makes me more of a man then some pick-up-artisit. I am not a person that can have a casual fling or fiend with benefits scenario. Being able to connect with women so deeply will always be a double edged sword for me...on one hand a wonderful thing...but also, I feel, my biggest demon.

[Sanafa]

Jennie-jennie has shared with us how much more her relationship with the MM is..(more than just sex, that is). Is your response based solely on that one statement that she made above? I suspect it is(otherwise you would not even come up with such a poorly masked denigration), if it is, then I doubt that it was meant to ask for profound and meaningful questions or the need to undestand jj, rather, it is designed to invalidate (not that she needs validation from anybody) what she and her MM have-which is both intimate and profound. This is a very subterranean swipe at her and to other OWs. Good but obvious.

 

I agree Tami, well said.

 

Gammon, you and I have often been on others ides of the fence but my interaction with you has shown you are usually void of hidden digs ( my interaction).

 

But today and yesterday, a couple of your posts have really sounded like you are really annoyed with any OW or AP if they even hint that what they had was more than sex.

 

Has something happened to make you question yourself, no expert but primarily in the last day or two you seem to be projecting, and I am not really sure why.

[jj33]

Devil in addition to what Sanafa suggested when you are in bed, how about the old "fake it til you make it" if you tell yourself you are attracted to her, tell her how sexy she is, tell yourself that you are attracted, that will help her and in time you will actually feel that way. You may already have tried that. But if not its worth a shot.

[Devil Inside]

Devil in addition to what Sanafa suggested when you are in bed, how about the old "fake it til you make it" if you tell yourself you are attracted to her, tell her how sexy she is, tell yourself that you are attracted, that will help her and in time you will actually feel that way. You may already have tried that. But if not its worth a shot.

 

A couple things I am doing is:

 

1. Sending the texts and emails throughout the day to let her know I am thinking of her, that I love her, that the blouse she wore made me want to...

 

2. Giving her a lot more non-sexual physical contact. She has told me that this has helped tons.

 

3. Whenever I think something I say it...as far as compliments. It's amazing how much I didn't do this before...I only give genuine compliments...but there are many to give with my W.

 

I think it will be a matter of time. I need to get over the loss of my xOW, and I know that will not happen overnight. I just hope that when that dust clears I still want to be married...if not, it will really be time to be a big boy...but we'll cross that bridge if we get there...I was in love with my wife once...I think I can capture that again.

[jj33]

It sounds like you both want to make it work and that you are both committed to getting things back on track. That is the biggest challenge. I assume you are in MC. With all that on your side Im sure it will work it will just be a matter of time and determination.

 

Hang in there. And for all the OW who say does the MM struggle with this, you are giving them confirmation as well. Just because someone doesnt contact you, doesnt mean that they are not thinking of you, its just that when its over its over.

[Gamine]

Jennie-jennie has shared with us how much more her relationship with the MM is..(more than just sex, that is). Is your response based solely on that one statement that she made above? I suspect it is(otherwise you would not even come up with such a poorly masked denigration), if it is, then I doubt that it was meant to ask for profound and meaningful questions or the need to undestand jj, rather, it is designed to invalidate (not that she needs validation from anybody) what she and her MM have-which is both intimate and profound. This is a very subterranean swipe at her and to other OWs. Good but obvious.

 

TC, read my post again. Clearly you have either misunderstood the words or have ascribed a different meaning and intention. Stop injecting venom where none exists and stop trying to portray others as disingenuous. It really ticks me off.

 

To summarize for you... SHE DESERVES THE WHOLE DEAL. She is worth it in my opinion.

[jennie-jennie]

Thank you, DI, for sharing so openly with us. I often read your posts to my MM. He recognizes himself so much in you. Your participation on this forum is so important to show that all MM are not cake-eaters, they are men who truly fell in love with their OW and now are struggling to do the best they can.

 

Tami and Sanafa, thanks.

[Gamine]

I agree Tami, well said.

 

Gammon, you and I have often been on others ides of the fence but my interaction with you has shown you are usually void of hidden digs ( my interaction).

 

But today and yesterday, a couple of your posts have really sounded like you are really annoyed with any OW or AP if they even hint that what they had was more than sex.

 

Has something happened to make you question yourself, no expert but primarily in the last day or two you seem to be projecting, and I am not really sure why.

 

 

No it is in fact quite the opposite. When a woman's heart is involved she should be treated with respect for that. If anything, I believe that it is unfair and cruel to ask a woman to love a man and to be stuck with trying to cope with never having true reciprocity. Yes, it gets under my skin to read that she truly cares about him and yet rationalizes his leaving her in the lurches with maybe or someday. I'm sorry. It just pisses me off to no end. She deserves better. Maybe my attitude of being pissy is misconstrued as being directed to her the person... when it is really towards the guy.

[Sanafa]

No it is in fact quite the opposite. When a woman's heart is involved she should be treated with respect for that. If anything, I believe that it is unfair and cruel to ask a woman to love a man and to be stuck with trying to cope with never having true reciprocity. Yes, it gets under my skin to read that she truly cares about him and yet rationalizes his leaving her in the lurches with maybe or someday. I'm sorry. It just pisses me off to no end. She deserves better. Maybe my attitude of being pissy is misconstrued as being directed to her the person... when it is really towards the guy.

 

Gammon if that truly is all it is... I apologize because I too seen as a quiet, well placed dig.

 

Honestly, it isn't fricken easy but I don't about you or anyone else here..... you don't choose you who love.

 

The OW could say the same to the BS on the flip of that. Why would anyone want to stay with a man who risked everything to be with something else.

 

That is just as frustrating to me....some of these BS truly know there husbands loved the OW as some don't lie about it....so I could say the same

 

We ALL deserve better..... and I struggle just as much about those "trying to fall back in love" when often it wasn't truly there to begin with.

[complicatedlife]

No it is in fact quite the opposite. When a woman's heart is involved she should be treated with respect for that. If anything, I believe that it is unfair and cruel to ask a woman to love a man and to be stuck with trying to cope with never having true reciprocity. Yes, it gets under my skin to read that she truly cares about him and yet rationalizes his leaving her in the lurches with maybe or someday. I'm sorry. It just pisses me off to no end. She deserves better. Maybe my attitude of being pissy is misconstrued as being directed to her the person... when it is really towards the guy.

I understand what you are saying but she is happy with her arrangement. Nothing and noone can change her feelings on that but her. When I was in an affair, there was a time when I, too, was happy with the way things were. But as my feelings deepened and as we got closer, I wanted more...I was afraid to ask for more because he was already in such a bad situation that I didn't want to add to his stress. So I left him instead, and s-l-o-w-l-y things started to change. My point is that when and IF she becomes dissatisfied with her situation, she will do something about it.

[Gamine]

Gammon if that truly is all it is... I apologize because I too seen as a quiet, well placed dig.

 

Honestly, it isn't fricken easy but I don't about you or anyone else here..... you don't choose you who love.

 

The OW could say the same to the BS on the flip of that. Why would anyone want to stay with a man who risked everything to be with something else.

 

That is just as frustrating to me....some of these BS truly know there husbands loved the OW as some don't lie about it....so I could say the same

 

We ALL deserve better..... and I struggle just as much about those "trying to fall back in love" when often it wasn't truly there to begin with.

 

 

I totally get it.

 

Gammon means the hind leg of a pig... I am Gamine.

[Sanafa]

I totally get it.

 

Gammon means the hind leg of a pig... I am Gamine.

 

lol --- took you a long time to correct me

 

Backgammon? much better meaning:laugh:

[Devil Inside]

As I see it everyone in an A is going to have strong emotions that are triggered by reading what others write here.

 

I think back to my first post. I was slammed. I was called a cake eating SOB...well maybe not those words...but that was the idea.

 

I could not blame one person for feeling the way they felt, or responding to me the way they did. I know that coming in here I am going to hear opinions and get reactions from all ends of the spectrum.

 

Some of the tough love does sting. It is hard to read how I come off as selfish, cake eating, thoughtless, in a fantasy world, and unfair to my children. It stings because on many levels it is true.

 

It is affirming to have some people tell me they admire my honesty, can see themselves or others they love in my words, or that they feel my pain...I need emotional support as much as the next guy.

 

In the end, I am grateful to all who have given me their time and opened their hearts to me. I know it is not easy to read the words of some MM. I know it hurts. I know I trigger you. I know I give some of you hope that your MM feels the same way...that he is truly in love with you, but cannot abandon his children.

 

In the end, you will all read into my words what you need to. You will all respond to me in the way that is necessary to work through your own process. I am the ******* that cheated on you, the man that made you second best, the lover that touched your soul in places you didn't know existed, the lover that will never escape your memories, and the reflection you see in the mirror.

 

All that said, here is my opinion on what kind of feedback seems to be the most easy to recieve. I think that before you blast someone for what they say or do, you should really try to understand where they are coming from. Not condone that they cheated, but understand their emotions are real, and often raw. In time, I think most people realize that As are a dead end road to misery in almost all cases...but this does not mean they are not human and that they no longer deserve your empathy and compassion.

 

There are many who respond to "tough love." However, I think most first time posters have just been through an emotional hell and are coming here with a wounded ego. They have no core. It will be impossible for some of them to take in your logic. Love has a way of twisted logic, and heartbreak even more. So I would encourage people to show compassion. Show love for your fellow human. If anything, let them know you get where they are coming from before telling them how selfish they are. It may make a world of difference...and in the end that is what I think most of us want...to really make a difference to the lost souls posting on this site.

[StoptheDrama]

As I see it everyone in an A is going to have strong emotions that are triggered by reading what others write here.

 

I think back to my first post. I was slammed. I was called a cake eating SOB...well maybe not those words...but that was the idea.

 

I could not blame one person for feeling the way they felt, or responding to me the way they did. I know that coming in here I am going to hear opinions and get reactions from all ends of the spectrum.

 

Some of the tough love does sting. It is hard to read how I come off as selfish, cake eating, thoughtless, in a fantasy world, and unfair to my children. It stings because on many levels it is true.

 

It is affirming to have some people tell me they admire my honesty, can see themselves or others they love in my words, or that they feel my pain...I need emotional support as much as the next guy.

 

In the end, I am grateful to all who have given me their time and opened their hearts to me. I know it is not easy to read the words of some MM. I know it hurts. I know I trigger you. I know I give some of you hope that your MM feels the same way...that he is truly in love with you, but cannot abandon his children.

 

In the end, you will all read into my words what you need to. You will all respond to me in the way that is necessary to work through your own process. I am the ******* that cheated on you, the man that made you second best, the lover that touched your soul in places you didn't know existed, the lover that will never escape your memories, and the reflection you see in the mirror.

 

All that said, here is my opinion on what kind of feedback seems to be the most easy to recieve. I think that before you blast someone for what they say or do, you should really try to understand where they are coming from. Not condone that they cheated, but understand their emotions are real, and often raw. In time, I think most people realize that As are a dead end road to misery in almost all cases...but this does not mean they are not human and that they no longer deserve your empathy and compassion.

 

There are many who respond to "tough love." However, I think most first time posters have just been through an emotional hell and are coming here with a wounded ego. They have no core. It will be impossible for some of them to take in your logic. Love has a way of twisted logic, and heartbreak even more. So I would encourage people to show compassion. Show love for your fellow human. If anything, let them know you get where they are coming from before telling them how selfish they are. It may make a world of difference...and in the end that is what I think most of us want...to really make a difference to the lost souls posting on this site.

 

Devil Inside - I am one who truly appreciates your insight as a (non-cake eating) MM. I realize that all situations have their differences as all people are different. During the A, when I ended it and even now to some degree, anger is the easiest emotion for me to deal with. I have realized, with the help of your posts, that the man I care for may not in reality be the man I thought he was but he does have some if not many of those characteristics. And sometimes that makes this whole process a bit easier to bear...the anger just starts to eat at me...so thank you...

 

& BTW to answer your original post- the sex with my xMM was amazing. It was based solely on our chemistry (which was unbelieveable) and the fact that we were completely free and open with each other...

[Devil Inside]

Devil Inside - I am one who truly appreciates your insight as a (non-cake eating) MM. I realize that all situations have their differences as all people are different. During the A, when I ended it and even now to some degree, anger is the easiest emotion for me to deal with. I have realized, with the help of your posts, that the man I care for may not in reality be the man I thought he was but he does have some if not many of those characteristics. And sometimes that makes this whole process a bit easier to bear...the anger just starts to eat at me...so thank you...

 

& BTW to answer your original post- the sex with my xMM was amazing. It was based solely on our chemistry (which was unbelieveable) and the fact that we were completely free and open with each other...

 

I'm sure the day will come when I have anger towards my xOW...I hear it is part of the process of moving on.

 

I'm glad that you get something from my posts...I really just try to be as honest as I can...I thik it is the only way...and besides, you people don't know me...so no harm, right.

 

I'm sure your MM had many qualities that make him a fine man...just not some biggies...like availibility. I know it hurts. As I read what OWs write it tears me up a little inside each time...because I put my xOW through this same hell...she is such a beautiful and strong woman, and I know her integrity took such a hit by playing second fiddle to my marriage...for that I will never forgive myself fully. So in a way...being called a cake eater helps me feel like I am getting punished by xOWs...maybe in some crazy round about way it's the universes way of maintaining balance.

 

I hope you one day feel less angry and more balanced. You deserve serenity..we all do.