MrMayI Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 Okay so ladybug needs to focus only on actions...well mostly, I would look like an idiot if I didn't talk...I'll get the book...I'll keep praying...and I'll keep waiting... I have nowhere else to go. hey girl, you have a chance, i think. t is right. just play it all by actions now. nothing you say at this point will change his mind. he's drawing back to you, in my opinion. it's going to take time, and if you truly want it to work, that's really all you can give. my only regret sometimes is that i did not give the ex enough time. i know in my case it isn't true, but i think J is starting to think about what he's left behind. hang in there. you're doing great. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted October 25, 2009 Author Share Posted October 25, 2009 Thanks for the support MMI...poor Tojaz has probably got bleeding ears...I pray he is really drawing back to me...he has a one year lease so... long haul...in the end it doesn't matter because this is the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted October 25, 2009 Author Share Posted October 25, 2009 (edited) I guess I should add...this is the man I intend to spend the rest of my life with...I hate to see him upset but he needs some self-reflection...I wasn't the one who left Edited October 25, 2009 by Auroracoladybug hit wrong button Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 Thanks for the support MMI...poor Tojaz has probably got bleeding ears...I pray he is really drawing back to me...he has a one year lease so... long haul...in the end it doesn't matter because this is the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with... Don't you worry about my ears Ladybug, there just fine. I get a lot out of helping people here, and if talking with me could play even the tiniest part in getting you two back together, I'd be walking on clouds for weeks. :D TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted October 25, 2009 Author Share Posted October 25, 2009 I kinda feel like I am on a trampoline...I fall and you bounce me up I will keep trying my friends...it matters to me and for my son as well...I have to be a better person... Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 You are becoming a better person, just by continuing to come here and learn about it all. Go read some of your old posts and some of your advice to others, you'll see what I mean. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted October 25, 2009 Author Share Posted October 25, 2009 You know that if J and I reconcile...I think I might let him read all of this...I know that I am definitly not as selfish and have learned so much from the other posters... Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 Well, be careful, the ex found LS and read my posts, even the ones where I defended her here, and she still didn't get it. I don't think she ever will.:( Pity. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted October 25, 2009 Author Share Posted October 25, 2009 Okay so I will leave this as a tool that helped me and not show him...on the other she was able to read your feelings point blank and if she didn't get that then obviously she didn't understand you...her loss buddy. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 Yeah, I know. Just hard to accept that. We were so in tune for our time together, I hate to think she lost that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted October 25, 2009 Author Share Posted October 25, 2009 That is just like J saying that he worked so hard to tell me what he was feeling...okay so I was blind and deaf...now I am working on it and where is he? He obviously didn't understand that I was that committed to him and willing to do whatever to make us a better couple and a better family...I know we both need to grow up and find our footing better...I want that commitment from him...I am scared to death that I will never get it. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 Well, communication is sooooooooooo! important. If the wife had been able to express to me what she was feeling, i doubt it would have ever come to this, a lot of the things she wanted were things that I wanted too, just never heard it from her so I didn't know how to give it to her. Pity TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted October 25, 2009 Author Share Posted October 25, 2009 I feel the same...many of the things J complained about were things I wanted too...I talk too much...he can't verbalize...we will see...I am in a down mode...I need to jump in the pool maybe go off the high dive a couple of times and look forward to more days to come. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 The future is beyond your control Ladybug, just be the best you that you can be and if he is too dim to see that, then it has to be his loss because there is nothing else you can do if he's not willing to meet you in the middle. I think hes going to get there though, your on the right track at least. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted October 25, 2009 Author Share Posted October 25, 2009 The future is beyond your control Ladybug, just be the best you that you can be and if he is too dim to see that, then it has to be his loss because there is nothing else you can do if he's not willing to meet you in the middle. I think hes going to get there though, your on the right track at least. TOJAZ Yes the future is beyond our control and I hope I am on the right track because it would really suck to get derailed. I think it is the waiting in the middle pretending like I am heading the other direction...I have to see J because of the baby...his actions do say that he is not running from me but yet still not wanting me...I wonder if part of that is because of the ex-bf still being around...can't dwell on it...keep improving...keep looking forward...I don't want this divorce because part of me thinks that will be a road block for him mentally even if his heart and mind want me...I don't know...I don't know how long I can live like this... Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 You've already lived through the worst part, it's difficult and sad, but you've adjusted and are surviving on your own.The rest is up to him know. Keep living your own life, and let him decide if he wants to take his place in it or not. Either way, just keep moving forward. Tojaz Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted October 29, 2009 Author Share Posted October 29, 2009 Well the weather here sucks...J has found a reason every night to call me and ask if I am going to work etc...just odd but I will take any communication he will give me. I am praying he is not trying for the friends only thing but with our son that is better than nothing. I keep taking the contact as positive and yet the door is only open a crack. I miss him so much in so many ways...he saw our life as completely unhappy and all I can think about was that it was fine and a little stuck in a rutt. Hell yes I want to make it better but what about all he has done...can I forgive him for walking out on us and leaving us to fend for ourselves while he "found himself"? I know that I am the only one who can honestly answer that...yes I can forgive him because I love him that much but at the same time I don't know what boundaries I need to set up or what I need to do...I am taking slow steps and hoping that J's year lease in this condo and CS should make him more aware of his responsibilites...then again my brain goes from optimistic and hopeless romantic to pessimist in seconds...what if he never wants to be responsible and have a home...just wants to rent for life and play WOW and facebook games...guess everything is a possibility. :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 Ladybug, you have left the ball squarely in his court, which is the only place you could. What he does with it is up to him. Just give it time to play out, the fact that he keeps contacting you is a good sign. Re. the boundries, you may want to give this a look. It may help. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0310243149/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_1?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=031022151X&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=1Q41ZQ2KEJ6P0S838TEN TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted November 2, 2009 Author Share Posted November 2, 2009 Saturday was a good Halloween ...the baby was a little fussy and had to quit trick or treating sooner than I hoped...he just wanted to sit and eat candy (go figure). J wanted to join but my BIL said that he didn't feel like it was a good idea. I took the baby to see him before heading over to my sisters and BIL's house and he had a trunk full of new pots, pans, bathroom mats, and a new coffee pot...still doesn't have any money to help me with the baby of course...plus he admitted to me that he hasn't paid anything on his work credit card! He didn't talk much at all to me or the baby so we headed out. Well J moved into his new place on Sunday...called me to see about picking up his stuff in storage at the house...I asked if he could wait until Friday because he has the baby next weekend anyway...he called all mad at me because I keep pushing back when he can get his stuff and hung up on me with him saying "well I can't do anything about it". I think he is frustrated because he doesn't have control...He has tried calling multiple times but I have missed the calls or been busy I truly do love him but he is acting like a ... you get the point...I want to reconcile and I want him to be happy...he has got to find his feet and get rid of this debt that he has no idea how he racked up...he needs to get his head back on, he is not 18 and single with no responsibilites. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted November 2, 2009 Author Share Posted November 2, 2009 Great so J called me...wants to have me and the baby over to have dinner on Tuesday...says he wants to talk... Link to post Share on other sites
JaneDoe35 Posted November 3, 2009 Share Posted November 3, 2009 Great so J called me...wants to have me and the baby over to have dinner on Tuesday...says he wants to talk... Really...I wonder what is on his mind. Did you ask him what he wanted to talk about? Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted November 3, 2009 Share Posted November 3, 2009 Sounds like J has been all over the map recently. Like he is fighting a tug of war within himself. In a lot of ways I believe he is. When you see him, stay calm and just keep doing what you've been doing, but prepare yourself because not sure if you'll be seeing Dr Jeckyll or Mr. Hyde. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted November 3, 2009 Author Share Posted November 3, 2009 no JD I didn't ask...I already am nervous and have a knot in my stomach...I think Tojaz is right about him all over the map...I just hope that the road leads home. I don't want this divorce and am afraid that if I mention Separation again he will think I am trying to "control" him... I guess let him lead the conversation...I pulled all of his stuff together and it is in the garage for this afternoon...I don't know what all else I have of his but I would rather him than his stuff:o Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted November 3, 2009 Share Posted November 3, 2009 no JD I didn't ask...I already am nervous and have a knot in my stomach...I think Tojaz is right about him all over the map...I just hope that the road leads home. I don't want this divorce and am afraid that if I mention Separation again he will think I am trying to "control" him... I guess let him lead the conversation...I pulled all of his stuff together and it is in the garage for this afternoon...I don't know what all else I have of his but I would rather him than his stuff:o Don't mention anything ladybug, just listen to what he has to say. i wouldn't worry about if he thinks your trying to control him. That is just a method he is using to "control" you! Just talk like you always did before this happened, thats what you want him to remember anyways. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted November 5, 2009 Author Share Posted November 5, 2009 Okay so pizza was okay...the place looks nice (still smells like cats)...it was just pleaseant to be around him and joke but the tension was still there. It didn't help any that the baby was fussy (possible ear infection). When he came to the house to pick up his stuff I got a moment alone with him and asked him because time is running out if he wanted to go for Separation and not Divorce...he said he honestly doesn't know...I believe him. It is so hard to be around him and him asking me to help or come look at things while I want to hug him, kiss him, just cuddle with him. He has a lot of growing up to do and I want to be there to support him but I don't want him to think that I am okay with just being friends...I don't want to push anything and end up pushing him away... It was odd that he had 5 vanilla candles (my favorite) on the mantle...but I am trying not to read anything into it. I did get a one armed hug at the end of the night once I got the baby buckled. I know that things can't go back to hunky dory right away and he has a lot to learn and a year lease...I just want to be able to be affectionate and get some affection in return...not puppy dog love...I want him to care about me and not as an afterthought...I wonder if I should dissappear...hell I don't even know if anything serious happened to me if he would even care. I said it a while ago but I just wish he would come up behind me and hug me and tell me he loves me...I would collapse but it would feel amazing. Link to post Share on other sites
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