Felice Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 Once again you are right. If I do stay,there will be no end to the pain.They'll always be suspicions and doubts,and I would be in the state of constant fear.And who wants to live like that?His wife may like to,but not I.Life is too short. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 He lied to me,he says,because he knew of my values and knew that I would never put up with such a situation and he simply did not want to loose me. Felice, you have absolutely NOTHING to feel guilty about. This man presented a distorted illusion of himself and ‘tricked’ you into accepting a relationship with him based on false information. If his motives weren’t so self-serving -- if he truly valued you as an individual-- he would have respected your ethics instead of working so hard to get around them. He would have provided you with all the facts up front and given you the opportunity to make your own choice. By manipulating you with lies, he has essentially put himself in charge of your destiny, taken away your right to make your own decisions, and forced his own will upon you. To top it all off, he then attempts to sugar-coat this bitter pill by saying he duped you because “he didn’t want to loose you.” The truth is, this silver-tongued snake was catering to his own selfish needs and wasn’t man enough to expose himself to any possibility of rejection. I don’t mean to offend you by exposing your Romeo for who/what he really is. But I’m hoping you will eventually be able to wade through all the BS he has shrouded himself in and discover he is nothing more than a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Perhaps once you are able to focus more on the ‘facts’ rather than the ‘fantasy’ you will finally get angry enough to find the courage you need to RUN far away. As far as the wife, I don’t think its fair to assume she has “accepted” this man’s behavior any more than you. Perhaps she is also being manipulated with lies, and like you, is having a hard time walking away. After all, she has a lot more invested in this relationship than you. Link to post Share on other sites
felice Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 Enigma your words of wisdom are true,so very,very true.And sometimes the truth hurts,and sometimes we just have to hear it from a stranger to really realize it. Back to me being the other woman.I was married for almost 10 years and have been divorced now for 4 years.My X cheated on me time and time again,and each time he was caught,I got the same old song and dance of "Baby,I can change.....I swear,I'll never do it again" until finally one day,exhausted from my efforts to keep this loveless realtionship going,I kicked him out.I remember always hating the women I would catch him with and wanted to blame them for his infidelities,but in fact,it was always his fault and not theirs.I used to always feel so humilaited about it too,now the shoe is on the other foot.I have now become the woman I used to hate.All for what?Someone who lied to me for months and months about really being married?Someone who I can never trust,because surely if he'll do it to her,HIS WIFE,he'll do it to me?Why?Because I love him sooooooo much?Is this really love and how it ought to be?And what's wrong with me anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
Stangel311 Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 Ok here I am, another other woman. All I can say is I didnt plan it this way I always thought I was such a smart & in control person. And now I have let my heart take over my mind. Not apologizing either. I have never loved a man like this before. This love is wonderful. But it is also sad and hopeless and guilt ridden. However it ends, I am glad to have known and loved this man. If that makes me selfish then thats what I am. Good luck to you Rainbow and may you have happiness in your life whatever you decide to do with your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 Love is not just a feeling. It also involves sound (free from distortion) thinking, and our thinking in turn affects our emotions and our emotions in turn affects our actions. If our thinking is distorted our emotions will be also, and so will our actions. What can often times distort our thinking are our emotions: that "follow your heart" thinking. The problem with that is that emotions were not meant to make decisions for us...that's what the mind is for and that's why we have a brain, to regulate the emotions, not let the emotions regulate the thoughts. This is why many neuroscientists, psychologists and psychiatrists stress the fact that we can control our emotions after all. Somewhere along the way, your emotions, the good feelings you were having with this guy, convinced you that this relationship was a good thing. That's why, despite all the good and logical advice you have been given here at this post, you're still torn and not sure what to do. You're trying to make something logical come out of something emotional, and it's not working. What you truly need to do is sit down and THINK of the pros and cons of being in this relationship, and stop letting your emotions blind you. The pros are that you enjoy being with him, you may like the fact that he likes being with you at times instead of his wife (which in fact I feel is the reason you're in this relationship after your own husband cheated on you...your husband chosed another woman over you, and you like the feeling of someone choosing you over their woman..it validates you)but logically speaking, he's not going to leave his wife for you after 20 something years, and if you do get involved, you'll always be suspicious of him because given the situation, that would be a logical way to think after you've been creeping with him on his wife. I'm pretty sure there are more pros and cons, but you have to make the decision in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
sinking Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 This spot I have been in and the bottom line is you will never get what you want or what you need. You will be dragging your feet on this one forever, because "HE" will not be the first one to say "Goodbye". From experience, the married man simply dragged is feet throughout the whole ordeal. He did actually "attempt", at moving out. I mean he found a place, brought some clothes, a few odds and ends, and his computer. But, he never officially moved out. He set himself up to have a back door in the case things did not work out between me and him. It was excruciating to sit there and be a part of this scenario. It took me a few months to realize that this is just not going anywhere, and a lot of people are getting hurt. Think of the wife! She is not perfect, she has her weaknesses, but does hold his name. She has stuck with him through many things whether she caused the havoc or not. It is their mess and they "alone" have to work on what is worth saving or throwing away. For you (you know yourself), the choice is to stay and take it or "cut him off". Yes, you love him! But, loving also means being able to let go. You moved on with your life and were honest enough with yourself to admit, I don't want this marriage anymore. Do it again, I don't want to be second fiddle to another person who can't fully commit! Trust me! You are setting yourself up for a huge downfall if you let this carry on any longer! Just my thought from personal, past experience. Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 To sinking: I couldn't have said it better! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 This is why many neuroscientists, psychologists and psychiatrists stress the fact that we can control our emotions after all. A lot of therapies based on this theory have spotty success at best. It works in some instances, but definitely not in all. There are reasons we have emotions and those reasons cannot always be trumed by cognition. Link to post Share on other sites
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