Can a marriage survive an affair?

[hopesndreams]

And it's most likely going to be a few horrible days/months/years until you admit to yourself that your marriage cannot be salvaged.

 

We don't know yet if her marriage can be salvaged or not. There is no need to be so horrible. She is hurting, have some compassion, please.

[broken hearted]

hopesndreams-Thanks for sticking up for me in that post. I thought it was a little harsh myself but obviously I am a wreck and didn't know if it was just me being too sensitive. I do appreciate your comment hopesndreams!

[broken hearted]

Are there people out there who's spouse has had an affair and you find yourself finding reasons to justify their actions? Lately, I have noticed my thoughts shifting to try and find some sort of reason why my husband had an affair and why in his head, the betrayal made sense.

 

I have found myself saying...well, we were definitely having some trouble in our marriage and sometimes if felt like just a roommate rather than a marriage! Other times, I find myself thinking...well, we were separated at the time, although, not by my choice! I find myself thinking...he wasn't getting all the emotional attention and affection that a wife should give him so he seeked it out with the first woman who gave him some attention, he didn't really want her, just the affection and attention that he wasn't getting at home.

 

I highly doubt that this is normal but is there anyone else out there who has felt this way or experienced these thoughts?

 

I really do want my marriage to work and for us to get through this nightmare but I also am trying so hard to get myself to the point where I am okay without him if it doesn't work!

[Owl]

Don't justify his actions!!!

 

In my case, I can understand what led up to and during the affair...but that doesn't make the decisions made in any way acceptable or justifiable.

 

I understand WHY she made the choices that she did...but that doesn't EXCUSE or JUSTIFY those choices...they were still wrong.

 

See the difference?

[2sure]

brokenhearted -

 

By thinking about the reasons for your husbands actions, you arent automatically trying to "justify " them. The marriage had problems, you separated because of the problems. The affair happened and that added to the problems in a big way. You are right to go back to the problems in the marriage. You have to if you want to reconcile. The affair does not cancel out the problems that were already there. If you continue to address ONLY the affair - you will solve nothing.

 

But you have to do it together.

 

My H had an affair, and our marriage has survived. I have some thoughts that I havent seen addressed here , some things that I think you are probably thinking about. But before I do, I think I missed something.

Is/Why is your H still in contact with the OW? And in what capacity?

[broken hearted]

I wasn't trying to justify my husband's affair, maybe I worded it wrong! I do see that we had problems in the marriage and the problems led to the separation and the lack of affection and emotional bonding led him to seek that out somewheres else. The counselor has made it very clear that he was seeking out what he wasn't getting from me and needed. If only he could have communicated that to me, I would have understood and he we wouldn't have had to separate! My husband is horrible with communication and feelings!!!

[PhoenixRise]

I think it is normal to want to deconstruct the marriage and see where things went wrong or how things could have been better. If you reconcile with your husband you must do this to make the marriage better. However, do not let this process turn into you finding justifications for his infidelity.

 

All marriages have issues and problems from time to time. Infidelity is never a justification for dealing with those problems. So while you are looking with clear eyes back at the issues in the marriage, you also need to look with clear eyes at the issues within your husband that allowed him to betray you in this way.

 

A reconciliation can not be just you getting over it and working on the marriage. It has to also be the cheating spouse working on him/herself to insure that no matter what other issues arise cheating will no longer be one of them.

 

AND

 

How are you doing?

I hope you and the baby are both doing well.

[Spark1111]

BH, my husband too suffers from depression and crashed into his affair partner at a very low time in his/our lives.

 

He is also a terrible communicator, taught from childhood to keep all those negative feelings inside. He is also hardest on himself.

 

For our marriage to work, he first had to work on HIMSELF!

 

Owl is right. NOTHING justifies an affair. I, too was depressed at one time and never thought a new man would solve my problems. I had to solve my own problems.

 

Then, we have to solve the marital problems. As a FBS, I want to assert that the process for us is longer and more arduous when the WS suffers an addiction or mental illness. They have to work very hard to overcome their own personal demons before they can become a loving, intimate partner to us.

 

They have to love themselves first, before they can give up the external diversions that fill that worthless feelings void inside of them, whether it be booze, gambling, drugs, and yes, other women or men.

 

Keep yourself guardedly optimistic and your expectations low. Strive for friendship with your spouse as you make yourself stronger.

 

Actions do speak louder than words, and I pray he helps himself.

 

You are in my prayers.

[broken hearted]

I'm doing okay! This new info. of the affair has opened up a whole new set of wounds that I'm not sure will ever heal! I had my last ultrasound last week and the baby looks fine but I did lose 5 lbs in 2 weeks and I'm 8 months pregnant! The stress, I'm sure, caused it but I am making sure that I am still eating enough for the baby even though I have no appetite. I asked the doctor about the stress on the baby and he said it shouldn't affect the baby, the health, or the well being of the baby...not sure how that's possible but that's what he said!

[2sure]

Is/Why is your H still in contact with the OW? And in what capacity?

[broken hearted]

I have no idea, we don't really talk! He is incapable of talking about or handling what he has done! He just wants to pretend it hasn't happened! H did say last week that she emailed him a couple of times but he hasn't seen her since before he came home a couple of weeks ago and he hasn't spoken to her on the phone. He said he did respond to her emails but hasn't emailed or received one in about a week. I know with any form of contact at all with her will still add to confusion with him. It's like a drug, he's still getting a slight drip of the drug when she emails him and it needs to be completely shut off with no drip at all to even think about moving forward in his marriage.

[2sure]

Yes, you're right. Her ability to contact him has got to be removed. Change of cell phone numbers, email addresses and jobs if necessary. Period.

 

Your list of things is very good because there are certain and specific things that must be done if there is any chance of reconciliation or even moving in another direction in a healthy way. Also, the list tells him what you need from him because he cannot read your mind. It is easy in the heat of an argument to not be emotionally honest and fall back on "Well, F you" and "you cheated"...but the list can keep you both on track.

 

Deserving or not, your H is overwhelmed and confused. Certainly with a baby at home and another due soon - you must feel at the end of your rope.

 

For recovery, in my opinion, both spouses have a lot of work to do.

Like you said yourself and have no doubt read here - the WS has to show true regret and remorse. But what about the BS? What work must the BS do? I think that at some point, the BS has to stop punishing. At least long enough to have conversations about other things. Sometimes this is not possible. Certainly, if he still in contact with OW it is not possible yet. My point is, I guess, is that there should be 2 lists.

[broken hearted]

A list as to what I need from him to regain trust and another as to what I need to do within myself to help myself forgive and trust again?

[broken hearted]

I have felt like I was at the end of my rope for months, even before I found out about the affair...but for some reason, I still keep holding on and praying that we can get through this and he will wake up and get his head out of his a** soon! I'm definitely starting to lose faith though!

 

I thought by this point, he would be on his knees begging for my forgiveness and professing his love for me but he's not at that point. He is still very depressed and that comes out as anger and he has no idea what to do about the whole situation or how to handle it.

[2sure]

II thought by this point, he would be on his knees begging for my forgiveness and professing his love for me but he's not at that point.

Is he simply not sorry? Is he not sorry enough? Or do you think his remorse is covered by defensiveness because he cant communicate? I'm not sure how much I could buy that.

 

He is still very depressed and that comes out as anger and he has no idea what to do about the whole situation or how to handle it.

 

THATS the 2nd list. You have a list of what you need from him.

But this has to happen together. You both have work to do.

What does he want /need from you?? Yes, he made the mess - maybe alone. But you have to fix it together. Especially because he seems to have some real communication issues, a list from him to you would be a good thing. If he doesnt know, read here and elsewhere and make some suggestions for his list.

[broken hearted]

I have no idea to be honest with you! I'm almost at a loss right now! Can't figure out what the hell is going on in his head or what he wants! I think he's still very confused as well! Everytime I think I've got a bit of a theory as to what is going on with him, the next day he calls crying and asking me if it's too late for us to be together...so I just can't figure it out! Time will tell I guess!

 

He texted me today and said he was going to write me an email tonight...not sure what that means!!

[65tr6]

He texted me today and said he was going to write me an email tonight...not sure what that means!!

 

broken_h, you are going through a lot...What kind of a man (if any) is your husband ? Just when I think I have seen it all, I come across another speciman. How can some one be so narcissitic ? I don't understand. I really hope you find the strength you need to get through this difficult time...for now your focus should be on yourself and your baby.

[broken hearted]

I really love my husband and I really want my marriage to work but I can't even look at my husband without being TOTALLY DISGUSTED!! He just came to pick up our son to spend a couple of hours with him and all I can picture when I look at him is him and the other woman naked and on top of eachother!! I really don't know if I will ever be able to get over that! He hasn't been with anyone else but me since he was 16 years old!! I look at his hands and picture where they have been, I look at his lips and picture where they have been, I look at his legs and picture where they have been! I really don't know if I would be able to make love to him again!!!

[broken hearted]

Is this normal? How long does this last? I mean I really am thoroughly disgusted when I look at him right now! All I can see is him touching someone else and I literally get sick to my stomach!!

[broken hearted]

Ok, so here's where I'm at the last couple of days...

 

I know it was my husband's choice to walk out and abandon me 6 months ago and I know it was 100% his selfish decision to engage in an affair, however, I can totally understand how I pushed him away and pushed him to a breaking point.

 

After the birth of our son 2.5 years ago, I became depressed and that depression came out as anger and a passive aggressive personality. Looking back, I think I can honestly say that I was down right verbally and emotionally abusive to my husband during this time. Thinking back to some of the things that I have said to him and some of the ways I made him feel, it makes me cry!

 

During this time, I would say horrible things to him and tell him to shut up and tell him that the only reason I was still with him was bc of our son...this was my extremely immature cries for him emotionally and my cries for his help through the depression. Neither one of us knew I was depressed at that time so we didn't know what was going on...WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?!

 

I can remember him telling me so many times that he loved me and I wouldn't say it back or him trying to kiss me or hug me and I just pushed him away...OH MY GOSH, I PUSHED HIM SO FAR AWAY!!

 

Although he never verbally expressed his unhappiness to me and allowed me to wake up and address myself and our issues before he walked out, I can now with a clear head and after counseling that I pushed him away and I was the abusive one!

 

He hurt me to the core with his affair and abadoning me and that needs to be addressed before marriage issues can be addressed, if we were to try to reconcile, but how do I get myself past the fact that I helped in making this bed, now I have to lay in it as well?

 

I FEEL LIKE SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON RIGHT NOW!!

[NOTSURE7]

Ok, so here's where I'm at the last couple of days...

 

I know it was my husband's choice to walk out and abandon me 6 months ago and I know it was 100% his selfish decision to engage in an affair, however, I can totally understand how I pushed him away and pushed him to a breaking point.

 

After the birth of our son 2.5 years ago, I became depressed and that depression came out as anger and a passive aggressive personality. Looking back, I think I can honestly say that I was down right verbally and emotionally abusive to my husband during this time. Thinking back to some of the things that I have said to him and some of the ways I made him feel, it makes me cry!

 

During this time, I would say horrible things to him and tell him to shut up and tell him that the only reason I was still with him was bc of our son...this was my extremely immature cries for him emotionally and my cries for his help through the depression. Neither one of us knew I was depressed at that time so we didn't know what was going on...WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?!

 

I can remember him telling me so many times that he loved me and I wouldn't say it back or him trying to kiss me or hug me and I just pushed him away...OH MY GOSH, I PUSHED HIM SO FAR AWAY!!

 

Although he never verbally expressed his unhappiness to me and allowed me to wake up and address myself and our issues before he walked out, I can now with a clear head and after counseling that I pushed him away and I was the abusive one!

 

He hurt me to the core with his affair and abadoning me and that needs to be addressed before marriage issues can be addressed, if we were to try to reconcile, but how do I get myself past the fact that I helped in making this bed, now I have to lay in it as well?

 

I FEEL LIKE SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON RIGHT NOW!!

 

ok i will try to help you here, i am a wh and if you read my posts you can see i have alot going on myself, but what i will tell you is that although there might be some valid reasons within you M that your wh had an affair, there is absolutely NO EXCUSE for what he did to you, if he had valid reasons he should have spoken to you about them and not just go have an affair, i am guilty of exactly that myself and i dont want my w to blame herself in the least, so dont blame yourself,its not your fault, your H knew and continues to know what he is doing.not to mention he abandoned you and your children to boot, he never gave you a chance, dont second guess yourself, it is not your fault.

[PhoenixRise]

Ok, so here's where I'm at the last couple of days...

 

I know it was my husband's choice to walk out and abandon me 6 months ago and I know it was 100% his selfish decision to engage in an affair, however, I can totally understand how I pushed him away and pushed him to a breaking point.

 

After the birth of our son 2.5 years ago, I became depressed and that depression came out as anger and a passive aggressive personality. Looking back, I think I can honestly say that I was down right verbally and emotionally abusive to my husband during this time. Thinking back to some of the things that I have said to him and some of the ways I made him feel, it makes me cry!

 

During this time, I would say horrible things to him and tell him to shut up and tell him that the only reason I was still with him was bc of our son...this was my extremely immature cries for him emotionally and my cries for his help through the depression. Neither one of us knew I was depressed at that time so we didn't know what was going on...WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?!

 

I can remember him telling me so many times that he loved me and I wouldn't say it back or him trying to kiss me or hug me and I just pushed him away...OH MY GOSH, I PUSHED HIM SO FAR AWAY!!

 

Although he never verbally expressed his unhappiness to me and allowed me to wake up and address myself and our issues before he walked out, I can now with a clear head and after counseling that I pushed him away and I was the abusive one!

 

He hurt me to the core with his affair and abadoning me and that needs to be addressed before marriage issues can be addressed, if we were to try to reconcile, but how do I get myself past the fact that I helped in making this bed, now I have to lay in it as well?

 

I FEEL LIKE SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON RIGHT NOW!!

 

 

HB

 

This is all good information to have about yourself. If you have been depressed and verbally abusive and pushing your H away prior to him leaving, then this is good to know so that you can resolve these issues for yourself.

 

However, None of this will help you deal with the fact that in response to these difficulties, your husband CHOSE to cheat.

 

I think you are turning yourself inside out tring to think of ways to fix your marriage and make this all better. Who could blame you? You have a history and children with this man and also a child on the way.

 

I think you are going to have to take a deep breath and get really clear about what you are dealing with.

 

If your husband is not feeling and expressing remorse for the affair, you have zero chance of getting over it and successfully reconciling.

 

If your husband is not willing to fight for the marriage WITH you, you can not reconcile successfully.

 

If your husband is not willing or ready to give up the OW completely, there is nothing you can do to make things better.

 

AS hard as it is, because I know you want to save the marriage, I think you need to try to take a step back. Shift a large portion of your focus away from trying to get your husband to see the light, and on to yourself.

 

You are having a baby. Focus on taking supreme and excellent care of yourself. Take bubble baths or long hot showers, get a massage, rub oil into your belly, have the foods you love around you and fully enjoy them, light some candles, do whatever it is that makes you feel good. All the things you would want him to do for you, do them for yourself.

 

I will tell you that in my opinion, men are rarely attracted by desparation. Men are attracted to strength. Love yourself and maybe your husband will realize he loves you too. But even if he doesn't realize this you will much better, stronger, and in a better place emotionally from the exercise

 

This is just my opinion. Whatever you decide to do, good luck.

[broken hearted]

I totally understand that it was my husband's choice to sleep with someone else and to walk out on me, however, it is also now that I realize I was NOT a supportive, loving wife since my son has been born!

 

I do not excuse what he has done, he was selfish, and that is all there is to it! In no way were my actions or words justifications for him having an affair!

 

I just can't get around the what if's. What if I wasn't depressed? What if I hadn't abused him emotionally or verbally? What if I was the same wife he married 5 years ago after our son was born! I know this is all pointless and what if's don't matter but it's still hard to keep them out of my thoughts.

[NOTSURE7]

I totally understand that it was my husband's choice to sleep with someone else and to walk out on me, however, it is also now that I realize I was NOT a supportive, loving wife since my son has been born!

 

I do not excuse what he has done, he was selfish, and that is all there is to it! In no way were my actions or words justifications for him having an affair!

 

I just can't get around the what if's. What if I wasn't depressed? What if I hadn't abused him emotionally or verbally? What if I was the same wife he married 5 years ago after our son was born! I know this is all pointless and what if's don't matter but it's still hard to keep them out of my thoughts.

 

to be honest,chances are he would have still cheated on you..so stop the what if's and beating yourself up over it, it will not help you in present day.

[hopesndreams]

No what ifs! You could have been the most fantastic wife and mother on the planet, he would have done what he wanted to do regardless of how wonderful you were.

 

Have you read my thread? My H had and still hasn't said I did anything wrong. Read the gushing emails he sent me while he was screwing around behind my back! There are no what ifs! He has to own what he did 100%, and until such time he does, stop beating yourself up and keep to the plan.