lupa Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 I've always said this same thing. Cheating was always a deal breaker for me! For some reason when you're in the situation and you know how much you love the man your husband used to be and pray everyday to get that man back, your mind thinks differently! It's not an easy decision, we have a 2 year old and I am 8 months pregnant! My head is certainly not thinking clearly right now and I need to let things settle down a little bit before I move forward with whatever decision I am going to make! If there is one thing i'm learning right now, it is that we cannot dwell on each second, as it feels like each second takes an eternity. It is funny, I started thinking recently before all this started that my life was passing me by quickly...each day was becoming blurred. Now we are deep into this, and each tick of the clock is a universe all of its own. My point is that you are not able to think clearly about any of this, particularly because you have another child on the way. Each day takes an eternity, each second a lifetime. There seems to be no way out, no hope, no future...but believe me when I say that I've read enough comic books to know that there is always a second chance. Superman came back to life! Actually, I don't read comic books at all, and for all I know Superman might still be dead. You, me, everyone need to have patience. Time will get back to normal speed... Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted July 21, 2009 Author Share Posted July 21, 2009 I'm writing my husband an email right now, trying to lay it all out there! He has so much anger that he won't sit down and have a conversation with me about anything, therefore, I am never able to say what I want, ask what I want, express my feelings to him, etc. My head is all over the place that I can't even put my thoughts into writing. Is there anyone out there who could help me out a little bit and give me some suggestions with exactly what to write. I have a lot of anger towards what he's done to me and our family and I am finding that I am sounding angry in some of it bc of the anger and I don't want him to have to be defensive when he reads it. Link to post Share on other sites
SRV Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 You are projecting the anger towards him, understandably, hence he goes into his defensive mode. In addition, in his mind, your anger justifies/rationalizes to him somewhat the events that have led to his behavior. Probably take some time and do not broche the subject for a while, until your anger somewhat lessens. You can write the email, but do not send it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 I wrote my husband an email yesterday, not sure if I should have done that, but I did! I have lots and lots of anger towards him and what he's done to me and our children but I was very good about leaving the anger out of the email so I could get everything that I wanted to say out. We both have lots of anger over this whole situation...me bc of all the pain and emotional distress he has put me through for the last 6 months and...he bc he is very depressed and angry that the whole situation happened and doesn't know how to handle it! We can't even sit down and talk with eachother without our anger taking over. Also, my husband is and always has been horrible with communication and putting his feelings and thoughts into a verbal conversation. It will be much easier for him to express himself in writing. His lack of communication skills is a big reason why we got into this nightmare in the first place!!! Our son stayed with my husband last night at his parent's house! What a horrible night it was for me! He's almost 2.5 years old and this was only the 3rd night I have spent away from him. The other two nights I spent away from him, I had my husband by my side. Last night, I was all alone with my dog...my dog is a very good cuddler, but I still felt very lonely! This is not the life I want for my children or for myself. I want my husband back! I want my family back! I don't want the man that my husband is now, I want the man who loved and cherished me for the last 11 years. UGH, IT WAS A ROUGH ROUGH NIGHT!!! I BARELY SLEPT AT ALL! Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 You are projecting the anger towards him, understandably, hence he goes into his defensive mode. In addition, in his mind, your anger justifies/rationalizes to him somewhat the events that have led to his behavior. Probably take some time and do not broche the subject for a while, until your anger somewhat lessens. You can write the email, but do not send it. Yes, this is one of the reasons for LC. You are angry, and rightfully so, but he is so wrapped up with what he wants, that he dismisses your wants and needs. You need to communicate your feelings and with those feelings come anger. He doesn't want to know! He will distance himself further from you because he cannot and does not want to deal with that aspect of what he has done to cause it. Given time, he would be more accepting of your anger and work towards understanding it. Just showing anger now gives him the reason he is looking for to justify, in his mind, his cheating. You may think you are hiding your anger well, but he will still feel and see it, whether it is in an email or face to face conversation. You both need time apart and this step is crucial. Do the LC and he will come round, one way or another. Whether that leads to both of you getting back together, is up to you. He has so much to answer for and as it stands now he is incapable of dealing with the situation he has caused. Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 I am trying the LC thing except for communication around out son! I did write that email but other than that, I haven't spoken with him. Sounds silly, I know, he is a grown man and will make his own decisions but I am scared that if I don't make my feelings known to him, he will run back to the OW and continue seeing her. He has said he has not seen or spoken to her since he came home for the week before I found out but I don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 Are there people out there who's spouse has had an affair and you find yourself finding reasons to justify their actions? Lately, I have noticed my thoughts shifting to try and find some sort of reason why my husband had an affair and why in his head, the betrayal made sense. I have found myself saying...well, we were definitely having some trouble in our marriage and sometimes if felt like just a roommate rather than a marriage! Other times, I find myself thinking...well, we were separated at the time, although, not by my choice! I find myself thinking...he wasn't getting all the emotional attention and affection that a wife should give him so he seeked it out with the first woman who gave him some attention, he didn't really want her, just the affection and attention that he wasn't getting at home. I highly doubt that this is normal but is there anyone else out there who has felt this way or experienced these thoughts? I really do want my marriage to work and for us to get through this nightmare but I also am trying so hard to get myself to the point where I am okay without him if it doesn't work! Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Broken, I have not experienced what you are going through, but what I will say is that there is no excuse for your H behaviour. If he was unhappy in your marriage, if he felt he wasn't getting affection etc, then he should have spoken to you about it. Having an affair is the most selfish and cruel thing a spouse can do to their spouse. If you want to find a way past this, then I think you are going to have to find a way to forgive, not justify your H behaviour. You are going to have to work together to rebuild the trust in you rmarriage, but you have to understand that the relationship will not be the same as before. If you get through it, it will be something different, but also something stronger tahn before. Have you looked at marriagebuilders website, that Owl recommends, it tackles affairs specifically. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 All those betrayed have those thoughts and feelings. What did I do to cause this? Where did I go wrong? Was I not attentive enough, pretty enough, smart enough? The list goes on and on and can never end. Your self-esteem has taken a sh*t kicking! The going got tough for your H and he cowardly took an easy way out. He acted out on his own selfish needs and desires. Instead of working on the communication and working out any problems there may have been, he bailed. I'm sorry BH, but he left for the OW. Whether you are ready to accept it or not, she was in his life before he left you. He just wants you to believe otherwise. She was fun, stress-free, good times aplenty...and he didn't want the responsibilities of his family anymore. Is that your fault? H*ll no. Do not blame yourself for his actions. You are not the cause of his character being flawed. There is no good enough reason in the world for someone to cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 Yeah, I have thought since I found out about this that he left for her but he claimed up and down in our counseling session to the counselor that that was not the case at all! He told the counselor their relationship didn't start for months after that! I have asked him to get tested for STD's so that I know myself and this baby when I deliver it is safe and he swears up and down that he did not sleep with me after he slept with her! I slept with him in April and he swears up and down he did not sleep with her before then. I'm hoping that he's responsible enough and cares enough about his baby to tell the truth as to whether he slept with me after her but...I have no idea anymore!! He very well could have left back in Feb. bc of her but he will never admit it so I will never know!! Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 All those betrayed have those thoughts and feelings. What did I do to cause this? Where did I go wrong? Was I not attentive enough, pretty enough, smart enough? The list goes on and on and can never end. Your self-esteem has taken a sh*t kicking! The going got tough for your H and he cowardly took an easy way out. He acted out on his own selfish needs and desires. Instead of working on the communication and working out any problems there may have been, he bailed. I'm sorry BH, but he left for the OW. Whether you are ready to accept it or not, she was in his life before he left you. He just wants you to believe otherwise. She was fun, stress-free, good times aplenty...and he didn't want the responsibilities of his family anymore. Is that your fault? H*ll no. Do not blame yourself for his actions. You are not the cause of his character being flawed. There is no good enough reason in the world for someone to cheat. H&D you have put this very well, those of us who have been betrayed, not through cheating, but through walk away partners, have these same feelings you describe. But you are correct, it is them that have done wrong, it is them that have let you down, all they needed was a bit of communication, instead they bail. Like I keep saying it's not about us, it's about THEM, THEIR ISSUES. You put it better than I ever could! Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 I really love my husband and I really want my marriage to work but I can't even look at my husband without being TOTALLY DISGUSTED!! He just came to pick up our son to spend a couple of hours with him and all I can picture when I look at him is him and the other woman naked and on top of eachother!! I really don't know if I will ever be able to get over that! He hasn't been with anyone else but me since he was 16 years old!! I look at his hands and picture where they have been, I look at his lips and picture where they have been, I look at his legs and picture where they have been! I really don't know if I would be able to make love to him again!!! Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 I really love my husband and I really want my marriage to work but I can't even look at my husband without being TOTALLY DISGUSTED!! He just came to pick up our son to spend a couple of hours with him and all I can picture when I look at him is him and the other woman naked and on top of eachother!! I really don't know if I will ever be able to get over that! He hasn't been with anyone else but me since he was 16 years old!! I look at his hands and picture where they have been, I look at his lips and picture where they have been, I look at his legs and picture where they have been! I really don't know if I would be able to make love to him again!!! I can understand this Broken, it must be very painful for you. Have you thought about IC, I think maybe you need to talk this through with someone one on one? Link to post Share on other sites
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