What a difference a week makes!

[broken hearted]

I'm starting to think it's time to pull the trigger, I just need to find the courage to do so. My husband needs help and he doesn't think he does. He seriously is one blow up away from the looney bin. Last night, I asked him to come see me at our house (my son was at my parent's). He had called me the night before and told me he wanted help and wanted it before it was too late, before he lost me, and everything else that is right for him. He emailed me all day Thursday asking if he got the help he needed and found out what was going on with him if it was too late for us. Yesterday he came here claiming he didn't even remember the conversation and that he didn't think he needed help and it's just me putting it in his head that he does. He blew up at the end of the conversation, punched 3 holes in the wall, threw a chair, and then left, speeding up the street back to his parent's house. He called me today and asked to see our son today and I told him I didn't feel our son was safe around him and until he got the help he needed, I didn't think he could be trusted with our son. Could this be held against me in a divorce case as if I held our son from him and wouldn't let him see him? I will be taking pictures of the holes in the wall just in case.

[tojaz]

No Broken, I don't think anyone would hold that against you. Even legally, your concerned for the safety of your son. If he persists in wanting to see him, I would suggest it be supervised by someone you trust if not your self. It surely sounds like he does need some help. I would ask him to see a doctor before progressing any further.

TOJAZ

[broken hearted]

I'm starting to think it's time to pull the trigger, I just need to find the courage to do so. My husband needs help and he doesn't think he does. He seriously is one blow up away from the looney bin. Last night, I asked him to come see me at our house (my son was at my parent's). He had called me the night before and told me he wanted help and wanted it before it was too late, before he lost me, and everything else that is right for him. He emailed me all day Thursday asking if he got the help he needed and found out what was going on with him if it was too late for us. Yesterday he came here claiming he didn't even remember the conversation and that he didn't think he needed help and it's just me putting it in his head that he does. He blew up at the end of the conversation, punched 3 holes in the wall, threw a chair, and then left, speeding up the street back to his parent's house. He called me today and asked to see our son today and I told him I didn't feel our son was safe around him and until he got the help he needed, I didn't think he could be trusted with our son. Could this be held against me in a divorce case as if I held our son from him and wouldn't let him see him? I will be taking pictures of the holes in the wall just in case.

 

Is there anyone else who has a view on this? I don't want it to come back and haunt me if we do go through with a divorce that I didn't allow my husband to see his son? I am genuinely concerned about my husband and do think he needs help and his anger scares me right now. I would never forgive myself if anything happened to our son while he was with him.

[broken hearted]

Wow, this is a lonely road that I'm walking right now! I'm sorry everyone, I am trying to be strong and realize that the man I love so much is no longer here but I can't keep my thoughts away from the fact that we have a 2 yr old and I am pregnant and he literally just up and left almost 6 months ago. Every other day is something different with him. One day he's asking me if it's too late for us to be together after what he's done and the next he tells me that he is still emailing this other woman. Last night he got angry and punched 3 holes in the wall at our house when we were talking. We live in an extremely small town and today I passed him on the road and he didn't even wave to me (he knows it was me, it was on the street our house is on). What the h*ll is wrong with this person. He is so childish, immature and just so far out in left field right now, I can't even believe it. I miss my husband beyond words and I would give anything to have my husband back but this person...this person I would never want to live a single day with. What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to wait another 7 weeks to file the paperwork if he doesn't come around? This baby is due in 7 weeks and I really think that seeing this baby will wake him up. On the other hand, I don't want to sit around, live separate lives and allow him to see this other woman for 7 weeks and then take him back when he wakes up. What's a girl to do?

[cyabye]

broken hearted,

 

I feel for you. I've been there too. Except it was my wife. You need to "PULL THE TRIGGER"!!! You have a 2 y/o and a newborn on the way to think about. Your marriage is over. His actions show his true intent. He is being destructive because he can't have his cake and eat it too. He would have NEVER told you about the affair on his own. You had to catch him. What does that tell you? He is still in contact and sleeping (I'm sure) with this OW.

 

For your sake and the sake of your children, you need to file for divorce and set yourself up financially for the kiddos. I am not sure if you live a no fault state but your lawyer will advise you on the proper course of action.

 

It's time for you to go no contact with him and I would not let him near you or the kids during this time as his behavior is not healthy. You might want to consider a restraining order to protect you, your kids, and assets. If the violent outburst occurs again, call the police and file a report.

 

This is not going to get better anytime soon. Things will get alot worse before it gets better for you. I would try to get the divorce going before your baby is born because once that happens your hands will be full. Don't expect much help from him as he showed his true selfish intent.

 

Hope this helps,

cyabye

[hopesndreams]

It's usually pretty quiet on these boards on the weekend.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this pain and I wish there some answers I could give you, but there just isn't. I know your struggling. I'm struggling too. Many people are hurting when their spouse just up and leaves and is with another. The situation you are in is such a difficult one, a toddler and a baby on the way, my heart bleeds for you.

 

You say you can't give him time to decide what to do, and I don't blame you. Seven weeks can be such a long time on top of the 6 months you have already given him. We also know what he will be doing and who he will be doing it with before the baby is born. You are alot tougher than you give yourself credit for and you have been able to survive without him, you have proven that. If you were able to throw in the towel now and be done with him, no one would fault you for that. But, you love this man even though the man you knew is gone, you want him back. Only you can decide what you can tolerate.

 

There are no guarantees in life. Even if you got him back, it will be a long, tough road ahead for you. He will be different. It would be like a whole different relationship with someone else, and at the back of your mind and in your heart, each day with him would bring up the past and the damage that he has done to you. It would be a tough and perhaps an impossible thing to overcome. Only you can decide if it is worth all the effort and more heartache to put the relationship right again.

[broken hearted]

Thanks hopesndreams! I do look forward to your replies as they seem to give me a little bit of strength when I am hurting so bad. I honestly never knew I could experience pain this intense from the man who has always given me so much bliss. My heart bleeds everytime I look at my son or I feel this baby kick! I know I can find another who will treat me better and will not cheat on me...I am an attractive person! Although I know my husband has already been with someone else, it will kill me to actually see it with my own eyes. He is a very very attractive man and there were always girls who wanted to be with him and envious of me...that will be really tough! Yesterday was our 5 year wedding anniversary and that's when he punched holes in the wall...he's so far gone, I don't think there's any getting the man I love so much back!!

[tojaz]

Broken, I am so sorry for you, I wish i could give you better advice, but there is none. You cannot decide if you guys will be able to work it out, you can only decide what you can accept and what you can't. What you can put behind you and what you can't. Thats no small thing! I would say that the best you can do is leave him be and concentrate on being a good mother and the health of you and your baby. If you want to give him a second chance leave the door open a crack, the rest is up to him. He has done a lot of damage, i can hear the stress as I read your posts. He should have to do a lot to make it right. If he's punching holes in the wall and threatining suicide he dosen't need to be around you in your condition. It may not be the end for you, but right now you have more important things to worry about.

TOJAZ

[broken hearted]

Isn't it funny how easy it is to say yes to a marriage and how hard it is to end a marriage. This is the most difficult thing I have ever experienced and the most pain I will probably ever endure. My heart breaks when I look at my son and know that he may possibly never know how amazing of a man is father really is. This man he knows as his father right now is trash! Gosh this has been a rough week since I have found out about the affair. His back and forth and bipolar behaviors are killing me. I really do think he needs some sort of psychiatric help and that's why I am so hesitant to let go and "pull the trigger"

[tojaz]

Isn't it funny how easy it is to say yes to a marriage and how hard it is to end a marriage. This is the most difficult thing I have ever experienced and the most pain I will probably ever endure. My heart breaks when I look at my son and know that he may possibly never know how amazing of a man is father really is. This man he knows as his father right now is trash! Gosh this has been a rough week since I have found out about the affair. His back and forth and bipolar behaviors are killing me. I really do think he needs some sort of psychiatric help and that's why I am so hesitant to let go and "pull the trigger"

 

It sure wasn't easy for me! I held on to the engagement ring for a long time before I ever gave it to her. i wanted to be absolutely sure it was for real and was forever. If your not ready to end it, don't. He's out of the house, your concentrating on your bun in the oven. The stress of divorce isn't going to help you any. Stay seperated from his behaviors and take some time to think. Maybe his newborn child will bring about a change in him. If not, divorce will always be there when you are ready.

TOJAZ

[hopesndreams]

Take all the time you need. Nothing has to be done this second, right? When all the "what ifs" are wiped from your mind, then you will know what to do. The thing is, right now, you too are going through so much confusion and hurt, your emotions are all over the place..you too are in a fog. Finding out about the affair is devastating, and it's only been a week for that. Give yourself time to get a clearer picture of what is really happening and then it will become clear on what to do, for you.

 

Hopefully, it won't take months but if it does, it does. Who knows, you might get it all figured out tomorrow, but chances are, it's going to take awhile. The best thing for you is limited contact with this H of yours. The more he is in your life right now, the more confusion you will go through and it will delay your decision. He will get his act together quicker as well with LC.

[broken hearted]

I agree hopesndreams! I am trying really hard to go as little contact with him as possible but gosh I miss the hell out of the man I love! I know the man in his shoes is not that man right now but for some disgusting reason, I still feel some sort of comfort in talking to him. I have times when I talk to him and he's rude and nasty and horrible to me and I end the day thinking that I don't need that in my life and I would be better off without him. Then there are the days that he calls me and talks for a long time and tells me he wants help before he loses me and before it's too late to get what he wants back. He calls asking me to help him move forward with getting his help. These are the days that I want to be there for him and not let go bc I do believe that if he got some help and possibly some meds, he would be on his way to getting back to the man I love so incredibly much. It sucks when other people see that someone needs some sort of help but the individual can't see it. The people who can't understand they need help are the ones who need it the most. For goodness sake, I wish the man would listen to his wife, I DO HAVE A DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY...HAHA!! I'm trying to devise a plan for my husband to see our son because they do need to see eachother but I am scared about my son's safety with my husband's anger right now.

 

I am having such a rough time with this. My whole world got turned upside down on Thursday, July 9th! I have been staying at my parent's house since the night I found out and they have been taking care of my son and I. I feel like such a horrible mother right now but I am doing the best I can!

[broken hearted]

Ugh!! My husband had our son for the day today! I have been with this boy everyday since the day he was born and alone with him for the last 6 months! He was gone for about 10 hours and I was going crazy missing him! Today was a night where I am going to bed feeling as though I can do without my husband. He has done nothing but drag me to hell and back for the last 6 months! I have so much anger towards him that I could just explode!

 

First, his idea of spending the day with our son was taking him to his Great Grandfather's house so my husband could do some jobs around his house and then he took him along to run errands...sounds like fun for a 2 year old huh!!! I know my husband is his own man and I can't make him do things differently but, come on...you are living the single bachelor life right now, couldn't you actually play with and interact with your son when you see him? He has all the time in the world to do these errands and other things. Then, he brings our 2 year old son home at 9 pm. I still had to give him a bath and get him ready for bed. He went to bed at 10...the poor little boy was so exhausted his eyes were bloodshot!

 

I'm sorry that I am rambling but I am just so furious that my husband's selfish behaviors are quite possibly going to change our children's lives forever! I know he's only 2 and this baby will be born in just a few weeks and they will recover and hopefully not have much of a lasting effect on them. It just kills me though that my children have to grown up in a split home, I never would have imagined this for my life or my children's!

 

I know, you are all probably thinking, what the hell does she want this man back for! I can't even explain how far this person is from the man I married. I can't even explain how far this person is from the person who was once my son's father! This is the man who used to lay awake and watch me sleep, massage my feet every night, wink at me from across the room, leave me "I love you" notes in my car, spend hours in the card store to find the one card that describes exactly how he feels about me, makes sweet passionate love to me and holds me all night long. This is the father who cried when his son was born, told me how proud he was of me when I went through a long and painful labor, got up in the middle of the night to bring our baby to me so I could nurse him, slept on the couch with our son when he was sick so I could get some sleep, give him baths so I could have a break. WHERE THE HELL DID THIS AMAZING AMAZING MAN THAT I LOVE SO INCREDIBLY MUCH GO????

[lupa]

WHERE THE HELL DID THIS AMAZING AMAZING MAN THAT I LOVE SO INCREDIBLY MUCH GO????

He's dead. He's gone.

 

Let him go.

 

 

My wife I love is dead, she is gone. I have to let her go.

 

 

Toj, lis, MayI, every one of us have to realize that the other person is not worth it any more. I don't want her as she is today, I miss the former life.

 

 

Just think of it that way -- this guy is some weird zombie who looks like your husband, nothing more. Bury your husband, we can put him right next to my wife. Six feet under, these people are dead to us now.

[broken hearted]

I'm really trying to do this in my head! My husband is so damn sexy, he will find another woman in no time! I will always have the label attached to me: single mother of 2, 27 years old, divorced, cheated on!

 

Obviously I'm sensitive right now but what he's done to me, abandoning me and sleeping with another woman (this is the ultimate betrayal to me), has really broke down my confidence and my self esteem. Right now I'm thinking, who the hell is going to want me, I'm just damaged goods!

[broken hearted]

That bastard, how can I let him have so much control over me and my emotions! I know I can find another man who will treat me better, not abandon me, love my children, and not cheat on me but I want that all wrapped up in a sexy little package just like my husband was!!! HAHA!!

[lupa]

I'm really trying to do this in my head! My husband is so damn sexy, he will find another woman in no time! I will always have the label attached to me: single mother of 2, 27 years old, divorced, cheated on!

 

Obviously I'm sensitive right now but what he's done to me, abandoning me and sleeping with another woman (this is the ultimate betrayal to me), has really broke down my confidence and my self esteem. Right now I'm thinking, who the hell is going to want me, I'm just damaged goods!

 

That bastard, how can I let him have so much control over me and my emotions! I know I can find another man who will treat me better, not abandon me, love my children, and not cheat on me but I want that all wrapped up in a sexy little package just like my husband was!!! HAHA!!

Sadly enough, I'm at the same spot. My wife is a beautiful woman...but you have to start looking for the chinks in that armor. Wrinkles, teeth, smoking...the little things that you look past or ignore.

 

...then you have to look on the inside, and realize that a nice cover of wrapping paper cannot change the fact that this person hurt you, your family, everything. They are hollow.

 

I swear I hope I have the nuts to say something to her as we're going through this like, "You're dead to me now."

 

Not being mean, but I honestly hope I get to that point. "Stop talking, you're dead to me now."

 

"Friends? Really? You think we can be friends? Whatever you need to tell yourself at night to live with the guilt of betraying another human being, breaking an oath you made in front of friends, family, and god. Whatever you need honey. Unless you address those things, you're never going to be happy in life. Good luck."

 

 

...something along those lines is what you and I need.

[broken hearted]

Haha, you crack me up lupa...do you like kids;)??? haha!!

[man_of_ability]

Lupa I hope I can come to terms with this as well as you have. I am nowhere near that point yet I have to admit. I guess it will just take time.

[tojaz]

Broken, i posted this a while back on my thread. Ever so often I have to go back and read it to remember what is going on. Get my head straight, I had to do that tonight! This is true for all of us, sure the details are different, but they are gone and we are all loving a memory! A memory of what was and what could have been! I'm so sorry for your pain right now please be strong.

Tojaz

 

 

I realized yesterday, that I'm chasing ghosts. My wife as I knew her is dead. I fell in love with a selfless and compassionate person. A woman who loved her life, was creative and open. A woman who for 13 years our life still felt like a honeymoon. Plenty of romance and fun right up to the end. She is gone. Replaced with a woman i do not know. A woman who is cold and selfish, hurtful and cruel. A woman I do not like, A woman I cannot love.:(

 

A good friend of mine wrote to the misses, very upset that she refused to be with me to help me through Allies death. Left me to fend for myself when I needed support. I didn't really expect much. Hope maybe but not expect. The wife sent me the response. It states pretty clear that she ws indifferent to how i was feeling. Came to my side out of obligation and left as soon as she could. With me in a heap on the floor. In the letter she tells me that this is compassion, to leave me alone and that she has a life waiting for her that she needs to get to. It also stated that I should be able to do the same, rather then grieve for Allie and the loss of my marriage. Pretty much said "GET OVER IT" because she already has. I reached out to her, for support, for ashoulder to cry on when i needed it. For a friend! She told me that it was in my best interest to go it alone. Told me that I ddin't understand how i felt, told me what I needed and that what I asked for myself was wrong. All I asked was to not be left alone.

 

My wife would not do this, even a friend would not do this. my wife would have held me through the night, my wife would have felt the pain with me. My wife is gone! I need to accept that, what is left, I don't want. Something ugly has taken her beautiful body and i don't think she is coming back. She wanted to find herself, and what she found scares the hell out of me. Now I have another death to grieve.:o

 

TOJAZ

[phineas]

Ahh Lupa, welcome back.

 

My wife wants to "remain civil" for the kids. well, if she REALLY cared for the kids she wouldn't of gone out a dating site & found another man 1 1/2 yrs into marriage.

 

She wouldn't of done things that resulted in our kids being bounced between two homes.

 

I think the thing that annoys me the most is I married a BBD girl & didn't know it.

I made the ultimate commitment for someone & they found someone "better" & bailed on me.

 

But, In the long run, who really suffers in that situation?

 

The kids.

[Gunny376]

"Expect trouble as an inevitable part of Life and repeat to yourself over and over the most comforting words of all! 'THIS TOO WILL PASS!"

 

Ann Landers

 

Abe Lincoln who was a dismal failure in most of his pursuits in life, up to the point of becoming President of the United States (He failed in business, as a lawyer, went bankrupt, his oldest son was one of the first deaths of the War Between The States, his youngest son died in the White House of fever, and he was married to a woman who was impossible to live with and loony-tunes ~ and eventually committed to an ashlyn said:

 

"Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be!"

 

The pain you're suffering will pass, and in time everything will be alright.

 

Pain is nothing more than weakness leaving the body. The pain you are feeling is the freeing of your soul from its dependency upon this other person. And is much like suffering an illness. Though you thought (think) at the time you would surely die? It inoculates you, and makes you more resistance once you've recovered.

 

From this? You will grow and be stronger. Anything that doesn't kill you? Only makes you stronger.

[broken hearted]

I sure hope you're right Gunny bc right now, the pain is so intense, I feel as though I could die! It was a rough night! Even after all my husband's done to me and our family, I still want nothing more than to make this work! Of course, it would take lots of time and help but I think it's truly attainable! I know you all think I'm crazy when I say this but we truly were the couple that everyone always envied! Everyone always wanted the love that we had! To be quite honest with you, THIS JUST SUCKS!!!!

[Thornton]

I think a relationship can survive infidelity - infidelity happens for a reason, so if the couple can identify that reason and work on fixing it then the relationship might stand a chance. However for this to work the couple have to forgive each other, and that's where the whole thing falls down - I know other people do forgive, but if someone cheated on me I'd never be able to forgive him or trust him again, the relationship would be over. It's up to you whether you think you could forgive your husband, whether you could have sex with him and not think of him doing it with her, but I certainly couldn't do it.

 

If you're concerned that your husband may be a danger to your child, you have every right to withold access. Contact the police and explain your concerns, and they'll set the wheels in motion - social services will probably be involved and I imagine they'll get a restraining order against him. If he's dangerous then you need to do this for the safety of your child.

[broken hearted]

I know other people do forgive, but if someone cheated on me I'd never be able to forgive him or trust him again, the relationship would be over. It's up to you whether you think you could forgive your husband, whether you could have sex with him and not think of him doing it with her, but I certainly couldn't do it.

 

I've always said this same thing. Cheating was always a deal breaker for me! For some reason when you're in the situation and you know how much you love the man your husband used to be and pray everyday to get that man back, your mind thinks differently! It's not an easy decision, we have a 2 year old and I am 8 months pregnant! My head is certainly not thinking clearly right now and I need to let things settle down a little bit before I move forward with whatever decision I am going to make!