Kamille Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 The result is that they tend to not want to let us go now that we are adults. Especially me, since now I can support myself and don't need to call them for money. I think because they made us their center they don't know what to do with themselves now that we aren't there. It's an interesting dynamic, now they just have each other and have no clue how to handle that. Totally sorry for the TJ Star, but this topic is fascinating. My parents also struggle to let us go and its insane the amount of guilt-ing that comes with that. Every time I call (once a week), I am told I don't call often enough. My sister, who lives in the same city as my parents, is dealing with them telling her she doesn't visit often enough (and she drops by about twice a week). My mother is sinking into depression (again) and takes every opportunity she can to tell us we don't treat her with the love and respect we should show her. Sis and I are at our wit's end. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I find it interesting that you're focusing on the impact their spoiling of you had on them, and not yourself. But I'm really not surprised that they spoiled you like that. Omg, you pulled THAT from what I said. You really are something aren't you? I had AWESOME parents, everyone should be so lucky. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I find it interesting that you're focusing on the impact their spoiling of you had on them, and not yourself. But I'm really not surprised that they spoiled you like that. Should I also be considered spoiled? :laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2009 Author Share Posted July 1, 2009 Omg, you pulled THAT from what I said. Yes, yes I did. It doesn't surprise me, LB. I'm not sure why you're acting offended? Should I also be considered spoiled? :laugh: I don't know. I've never understood you to behave like someone who was spoiled. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Totally sorry for the TJ Star, but this topic is fascinating. My parents also struggle to let us go and its insane the amount of guilt-ing that comes with that. Every time I call (once a week), I am told I don't call often enough. My sister, who lives in the same city as my parents, is dealing with them telling her she doesn't visit often enough (and she drops by about twice a week). My mother is sinking into depression (again) and takes every opportunity she can to tell us we don't treat her with the love and respect we should show her. Sis and I are at our wit's end. Haha, do we have the same parents? Mine aren't QUITE as bad, but my mom tends to get pissed if I don't give her the "play by play" of my life. What I was going to say before SG had to give her twisted version of my post, I think it's like "empty nest syndrome" or something. IMO it's fairly normal when parents have been that involved in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2009 Author Share Posted July 1, 2009 Sorry ladies, but I'm not sure how the fact that LB was spoiled by her parents relates to my thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Yes, yes I did. It doesn't surprise me, LB. I'm not sure why you're acting offended? More like annoyed that you take every opportunity to make me look like a biatchy little twit. I would throw some sh*it your way, but I won't sink to that level. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Sorry ladies, but I'm not sure how the fact that LB was spoiled by her parents relates to my thread. YOU are the one who said it and started the whole thing. It doesn't relate to your thread..so why did you bring it up??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2009 Author Share Posted July 1, 2009 More like annoyed that you take every opportunity to make me look like a biatchy little twit. I would throw some sh*it your way, but I won't sink to that level. I didn't say that, but you just did. I only said that I'm not surprised that your parents spoiled you, and that I found it interesting that you focus on the impact their spoiling of you had on them, and not yourself. I think that deflection of responsibility is...interesting. Also, in saying that's what I'm doing, you ARE sinking to the level you're accusing me of. Now, enough with your T/J, please? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 So, any luck with that office construction project? Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I didn't say that, but you just did. I only said that I'm not surprised that your parents spoiled you, and that I found it interesting that you focus on the impact their spoiling of you had on them, and not yourself. Also, in saying that's what I'm doing, you ARE sinking to the level you're accusing me of. Now, enough with your T/J, please? Thanks. Oh I'm sorry, I won't do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2009 Author Share Posted July 1, 2009 So, any luck with that office construction project? Doubtful. After a LONG workday, I worked again at "home" from 7 until well after midnight last night. Tonight will likely be similar. Hopefully, he'll catch on... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 He'll catch on quicker if you make a direct request like I outlined in a prior post. Stem to stern, it shouldn't take him more than an hour if the furniture is on-site. Motivate him Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 Off topic: LB and Kamille- thanks for your insight. Makes me and WB even more determined to make our family marriage focused rather than child-focused. Don't get me wrong, we will still give them a good upbringing and family life, but we want to be able to enjoy our life together as well, esp after they have left home. (obviously my crystal ball is working today!) On topic: all work and no play makes SG a dull girl- you are right, hopefully this will help BF to catch on, but IME BFs need a more direct approach rather than subtle hints... Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 What do I do? What do I say? You stop being such a pushover, and lay down the law. Should come easily to a lawyer! E.g. "Call your brother back, and tell them they are NOT coming round all weekend, because your girlfriend needs to do some really important and urgent work. Ok darling?" Then once he does it, be nice, say thanks, and get on with your work. You could always throw in lots of hot sex after you finish Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 That's one of the reasons why I'm having a change of heart. Someday, whenever it happens, I want to be proposed to because the guy wants to marry me... not because he feels bad, or pressured. I agree 100% with this. A guy should propose to a woman because he is totally in love with her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Not because it's the done thing, or the next step in the relationship, or it's more convenient, or for appearances, or because he likes the idea of being married. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 Your SO should come first in some circumstances but who is helping you pick up the pieces when your SO is shagging his secretary or when he leaves you or you decide you do not want the relationship anymore? Family is for life ... SO's are not! Children first, bio fam second and SO 3rd in my world, but I have a great family, if you do not have such a solid family I guess it changes things! With this attitude you're in danger of making it a self-fulfilling prophecy. The whole point of getting married or committing 100% is that it *is* for life. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 yeah, maybe my experiences have jaded me and maybe knowing that men leave as quick as they come and yet my family remain through everything makes me feel the way I do Maybe you are right, maybe I am right ... It is a personal choice I guess and different things work for different people. I think in stars case in this example, star wanted quite to work and her BF had nothing to do so when his bro called he got excited at having company and didnt think about how it would affect her. I think he was justified in what he did to a degree as it is his house and he was not the one who wanted peace and quiet. In the same sense I can see why star got upset but I think in her case she will have to get used to having the bro and his wife and swimming dog around. They seem close and IMO that is a good thing. If you had a boyfriend and you both made plans for a romantic evening together, then one of your relatives called and said they were coming round in an hour, would you tell them "Sorry I've made plans with my bf, can't do it tonight I'm afraid", or would you say "Sure come over!" without even discussing with your boyfriend, and then tell him that your relative is coming over whether he likes it or not? Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 I would say that I was going out and would see them another time BUT if I was just sitting in and my BF was going to be working from home in MY house I would say "come on over" Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 I would say that I was going out and would see them another time BUT if I was just sitting in and my BF was going to be working from home in MY house I would say "come on over" Ok if it was just normal work and he hadn't specifically asked to be able to work undisturbed, I would still say it's polite to ask if he minds. I mean what is the harm in it? If he had something really important to work on and had told you about it, I think it would be especially wrong to invite them over without asking him if it would disturb his work. If I had *anyone* invited over to my house, even just a friend of a friend, and they had asked in advance if they could work on something important without distractions, then if I agreed to it in advance, I certainly wouldn't invite anyone over without asking them if it's ok. It's not a matter of whose house it is, that is irrelevant - it is a matter of keeping your word if you make plans with someone. The priority is to the person who you promised to first, and who is relying on that promise for something important. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 I agree with your last post totally MT and yes I would ask first tooo Link to post Share on other sites
WineCountry Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 For the women responding to this thread: Imagine you're living in a house that you not only purchased, but own outright. Your bf of 8 months, who sort of lives with you but hasn't totally committed to the idea, asks that you run it by him for approval whenever your twin sister living nearby wants to come over because it may disrupt his work. How do you respond? Are you totally compliant or do you look for a middle ground? (No offense to you, SG, just looking for some consistency of thought and curious about the responses.) I agree with the point this poster is trying to make. However, one cant say that or they get accused of not knowing anything, or of hating Star. Regardless of who likes or dislikes you, SG, the bottom line is some folks feel that you may be just a TAD bit out of line AT THIS POINT in your relationship. You have not even been dating a year. He ASKED you to move in, and you said no. It is HIS house. And yet you get a bit miffed because he allows his brother to drop in whenever he wants to. Your BF is probably thinking inside......look, this is MY house, and that is my BROTHER. He will ALWAYS be welcome in my house. I asked you to move in, and you said NO! Yet, you are going to try to tell me that I should listen to you when you are at MY house, and not allow my brother to come over whenever he pleases? To come over to a house that is MINE and that you DECLINED to move into! And yet you want to be able to tell me who I can let drop over, or somehow 'clear' it with you first?? THAT is what your BF may be thinking inside. And how can one blame him? You dont call the shots in that house. He does. It doesnt matter how lovey dovey you guys are. Until you live there and are paying bills there, he decides if he wants to let his bro drop over at the drop of a hat. To ask him to cut that out, ESPESCIALLY when you DECLINED to move in with him, is kind of ballsy to me, Star. You had the option of being able to have a say in that house, and you DECLINED it. Hook the internet up, and do the work at your own place. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 SG are you still at a crossroads with the fam coming over all the time, etc.? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted July 5, 2009 Author Share Posted July 5, 2009 I agree with the point this poster is trying to make. However, one cant say that or they get accused of not knowing anything, or of hating Star. Not true at all, at least not based on the posts that are still in this thread. You missed a TON that were out of line, and thus deleted. Regardless of who likes or dislikes you, SG, the bottom line is some folks feel that you may be just a TAD bit out of line AT THIS POINT in your relationship. You have not even been dating a year. He ASKED you to move in, and you said no. It is HIS house. And yet you get a bit miffed because he allows his brother to drop in whenever he wants to. Your BF is probably thinking inside......look, this is MY house, and that is my BROTHER. He will ALWAYS be welcome in my house. I asked you to move in, and you said NO! Yet, you are going to try to tell me that I should listen to you when you are at MY house, and not allow my brother to come over whenever he pleases? To come over to a house that is MINE and that you DECLINED to move into! And yet you want to be able to tell me who I can let drop over, or somehow 'clear' it with you first?? THAT is what your BF may be thinking inside. And how can one blame him? You dont call the shots in that house. He does. It doesnt matter how lovey dovey you guys are. Until you live there and are paying bills there, he decides if he wants to let his bro drop over at the drop of a hat. To ask him to cut that out, ESPESCIALLY when you DECLINED to move in with him, is kind of ballsy to me, Star. You had the option of being able to have a say in that house, and you DECLINED it. Hook the internet up, and do the work at your own place. Wrong again, on all points. SG are you still at a crossroads with the fam coming over all the time, etc.? Nope. It's been completely resolved. I absolutely, totally adore him. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 Nope. It's been completely resolved. I absolutely, totally adore him. YAY!! I am so glad all is well. Now when can I come over and use the pool??!! It is so damn hot here! Link to post Share on other sites
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