She Cheated - Long story

[Owl]

OK...I skimmed through this thread, so I may have missed something.

 

Has he slept with your wife as far as you know?

 

If so...you absolutely and without a doubt tell his command and let him be punished under UCMJ. He'll be ordered to break contact with her, and that's the best weapon you've got against this affair that's poisoning your marriage.

 

If he's not slept with your wife, it's a little bit more difficult, because that "action" is typically how the military defines adultery.

 

If this is an emotional affair "only"...they may not see it in the same light that the rest of us would.

 

Then it would depend a lot on what you know about his command, and what they're likely to do about it.

 

If you think that they'll enforce NC (no contact)...then you tell them.

 

If you think that they will blow it off, you might be forced to wait until the situation escalates to a point that they can't ignore.

 

At the same time, you need to be pushing for your wife to go NC as well. You need to expose as you've heard...you need to enlist friends/family/chaplain/etc...anyone who will put pressure on her to end the affair and help you save your marriage.

 

But don't rule out informing his command...as a member of the armed forces, it's one of your best weapons against the affair that most civilians don't have in their arsenal...don't be afraid to make use of it.

[jmargel]

I haven't read the other posts and would hope Gunny would respond to your post as well. He's an ex-marine that can give you advice as well.

 

You really need to tell his command about his behavior. He has disrespected you not only as a man but as a brother. His attitude of self-serving, no loyalty to his brothers is a negative impact to the rest of the troops. You do not owe this guy anything, make his life harder than what he has made yours.

 

Second, and more importantly stop waiting around for your wife to make decisions! Go against your 'nurturing side' and let her know that you refuse to continue to be a doormat. Often cheaters will use 'blanket statements' (ie. I don't feel loved, you don't do this for me, etc..) to justify their behavior. She has faced NO consequences for what she's done. If you continue this, she will feel even further justified on what she's done and give her more of an escape to do this more to you.

 

Get yourself checked for STDs, don't trust this guy at all. The trust in your wife has been destroyed. I've been there myself. I've been nice, mean, etc.. nothing worked. Because it was just all talk. Action is needed. Let her know that you are going to counseling (in which you should be going) and that if she wants a remote chance in saving this marriage then she either joins and stops contact with this guy or it's over.

 

If you don't pull the safety net from under her and continue to tolerate her behavior then I can guarantee that you will be cheated and disrespected even more, until she leaves and divorces you.

 

Now is not the time to play nice, to try to win her affections again. It won't work! She's acting like a child, so treat her like one. Not only show confidence, but live it. Women love this, but more importantly do this for yourself. Set short term goals for yourself and accomplish them. If she is unsure about wanting to save the marriage, that's her way of saying 'You stay here while I **** this other guy some more'. BS. Let her know that if she's unsure, the door is there, to use it and to never look back. Be firm, don't yell, don't lose control.

 

When the crap that was going on with my wife, I got to the point that I had enough. Nothing was working but I was at the point that all I wanted was resolution whatever it may have been. She kept threatening to leave and I would often hold onto her ankles. Well, enough was enough. One morning I told her to leave, I was done. Thinking she would jump on that chance. I actually got the opposite response. She was like a deer in headlights, for the first time she didn't know how to respond. It wasn't only until then that things started to change.

 

Too many women in this world that would treat a man with respect and love. Don't be a counselor to your wife, be a husband. Stand up and command respect without using fear. Not only tell her what she's losing, but SHOW her.

[Left in a Lurch]

My first thought is reporting him just wouldn't be worth it, these things have a way of coming back to you. The good guy gets screwed -he and she will deny it, and then the tables get turned because he claims you harrassed him and they are just friends, and she backs him up or says you hit her etc. and you end up the only one in trouble.

Maybe go to your superior and let him or her know the situation in case anything comes up from it, and ask them not to take any action if that is possible. That way if anything comes of it and you know they'll both paint you as the cause of everything, you'll be on record with what is really happening and I doubt they'll expect that so things could backfire on them instead.

Step back and look at it; If you were sitting in a room and someone was throwing baseballs at your head, it would suck and hurt and continue to suck and hurt so you would get up and leave pretty quick. She's throwing baseballs at your head and you are still sitting in the room.

Think with your head and do what you need to do, get out of the situation, step back and protect yourself.

[Dexter Morgan]

The next question is should I tell his command, should I make him suffer like he had done to me?

 

Hell yes!!!!!!

[seibert253]

Being in the military is extemely difficult on marriages because of the prolonged seperation. With that, there needs to be the strongest of bonds and trust between and husband and wife. She violated that trust with you being right there, home, not on deployment. What do you truly think will happen if you get shipped out for 6 or 12 months?

 

I'm really sorry man, but you CANNOT trust her. Do not let your love for her blind your common sense. Deep down, you know what you need to do. If I were you I'd:

1. Have her served with Divorce papers, help her pack, and buy her a bus ticket to wherever she wants

2. Tell hers and your family what is going on and why your marriage is ending.

3. Inform the OM's command staff about his actions.

4. (Most important) work on yourself, being the best you can be.

[jnj express]

1st thing you do IS TELL YOUR COMMAND, and tell them RIGHT NOW. Give them all the info., they will then contact his command. Military as you have stated doesn't want it's men messed with so the can't properly do their jobs. If you do decide to stay with her, and i don't know why you would want to. Her problems, still don't give her the right to spread her legs for another man. She must go to germany with you, where you will at least have some idea of what she is doing. She has already cheated on you once just 2 yrs into your mge, if left alone she will do it again, causing you more grief and pain. Your best option is Divorce, you may love her or think you love her, but she hasn't even given your mge 2 yrs. Divorce may hurt for a while, BUT IT WILL HURT A LOT LESS THAN FINDING OUT SHE IS CHEATING AGAIN, which I am willing to bet she will do again.

[brokenairman]

Well I already decided to tell his command, im just working on getting some kind of proof. I have a few ideas and im working on it, I just dont want them to deny it all and make me look like an ass in the long run.

 

As for getting tested, I have not been with my wife since she went down for him. She also said a condom was used so im going to be ok with that aspect of it.

 

I started to talk to smeone today about what she did, why i was feeling the way i did. The person that i was talking to told me how he cheated on his wife, how it made him feel and what happened. In the long run they were able to get past and it had made them stronger. I also told him about the guy and his wife was having the same problems with getting pushed for a fling. (i work with the husband and my wife works with his wife). When the time comes it will only make the case against him that much stronger.

 

Today i told my wife how i felt, that I wanted to tell everyone and expose her and him. Let everyone know what you did, and allow myself to start healing at that point. She was very shocked and did not know what to say. Who knows the next step might be putting her bags in the driveway and telling her to get out and start moving on.

 

I have started to feel better, I no longer allow myself to be bugged with the things she does. I have started to check out, I will use this new outlook to help make the correct choice.

 

Once again thank you everyone for the help, i will use what everyone said when i start to think about my options and what i will decide.

[jnj express]

I hate to differ with you, but I think you are better off telling your command, your command has your best interests at heart, and if you tell his command it is still going to get back to your command, UNLESS, you don't trust your command, but if you do, I think they will make things happen in a much better and quicker way.

[My name is ED]

Ok, hey im ED hehe i like that name, its not my real name but i use it for this. Look man im UASF, im having the same issues, well mine got pregnant and not sure who the father is now, yeah my wife did me wrong real wrong. Look she started like you, not knowing if she loved me or him and then things she loves you but then looks and worries about the other guy, Look don't let it get to where i am, i did the same mistake you are about to make if you are afraid to push her away, she will walk all over you because she knows you love her. TRUST ME I KNOW IM THERE RIGHT NOW! look all i can say is do what i didn't do and talk to her and tell her its him or me and if she can't make up her mind because she says she loves you but cares a lot about him, thats not a real answer and well you know that you don't need her. Yes you DON'T NEED HER. she is headed down the wrong road. like i said i was there before we worked things out and she was great but the texts will continue, the calls will continue the 30 mins late will turn to i have to work over time to i have to work on the weekends and before you know it she's at it again.

 

don't do the same mistake i did... being mil and so is the other guy start with your superintendent- 1st shirt- commander and most important seek legal advice because its illegal what he is doing, teach him a lesson. So what if you don't want to push her away, she's going to do it anyways.

 

-ED

[My name is ED]

"As for getting tested, I have not been with my wife since she went down for him. She also said a condom was used so im going to be ok with that aspect of it."

 

 

NO MAN GET TESTED! i said the same and now look at me i have to live with her gift for the rest of my life, she told me the same thing i swear. NCO to what ever rank you are trust me...

[RunawayTrain]

Well I already decided to tell his command, im just working on getting some kind of proof. I have a few ideas and im working on it, I just dont want them to deny it all and make me look like an ass in the long run.

 

As for getting tested, I have not been with my wife since she went down for him. She also said a condom was used so im going to be ok with that aspect of it.

 

I started to talk to smeone today about what she did, why i was feeling the way i did. The person that i was talking to told me how he cheated on his wife, how it made him feel and what happened. In the long run they were able to get past and it had made them stronger. I also told him about the guy and his wife was having the same problems with getting pushed for a fling. (i work with the husband and my wife works with his wife). When the time comes it will only make the case against him that much stronger.

 

Today i told my wife how i felt, that I wanted to tell everyone and expose her and him. Let everyone know what you did, and allow myself to start healing at that point. She was very shocked and did not know what to say. Who knows the next step might be putting her bags in the driveway and telling her to get out and start moving on.

 

I have started to feel better, I no longer allow myself to be bugged with the things she does. I have started to check out, I will use this new outlook to help make the correct choice.

 

Once again thank you everyone for the help, i will use what everyone said when i start to think about my options and what i will decide.

 

I am very glad you are starting to see the light a little bit. You are giving off subtle hints of falling into the bargaining stage of the grieving process. Just because you know someone who cheated on his wife and their marriage worked out and became stronger DO NOT relate that to your current situation. By doing that you are only giving yourself a false sense of hope. As far as the condom issue, I wouldnt trust her as far as I can throw her. Get tested! She already has deceived you thus far why should you believe she wore a condom. I will tell you from experience that in the Marine Corps when another Marine messes around with a married Marines wife, and his unit commander finds out about it, all bets are off. There is a lot of animosity among friends and fellow Marines. It isn't pretty and I have seen it first hand. So get ready for some drama if you decide to tell his command.

[In Like Flynn]

I am retired military. You know and especially he knew that having an affair with another military member's spouse is against the UCMJ and punished severely....usually by reduction in rank and denial of re-enlistment. He laso could be sent away from your base....re-assigned.

 

This has to be reported because anyone willing to so this is unreliable and unfaithful to his/her service. This can destroy unit morale. These people need to be removed from the military and you know this!!! This guy will do this again and again until stopped.

[ForumFool]

OK first stop telling your wife ANYTHING

 

Second..what kind of proof can you show? Sure maybe text records...and a print screen on his profile saying he likes to break up marriages.....you will not have DNA ...One thing that MAY help a lot is..you went to ER surely the attending physician took information from you...you may have told them you just found out your wife had an affair espesically being you were thinking or did self harm....thus you must have seen a psychiatrist or at minimum someone from psych intake ..THAT IS GOOD PROOF...You may not have GREAT proof but I would TELL TELL AND TELL...Do you want this guy covering your back in Iraq? Stop being afraid of this guy and your wife..IF she went to gaslight you you could just dump her...frankly I think and hope you do anyhow..It is one thing to screw up...but she never said she KNEW she wanted YOU and only you...cut her loose....IN the meantime seize this time to be a man and show this guy he will not get away with breaking this rule at least not in the Military..I am so sorry you are hurting....you seem like such a nice dude ..you deserve better than this shyt

 

Hugs

 

PS I repeat STOP telling wife and others that you are gonna tell on them..JUST DO IT

 

PSS YOU now KNOW she is a liar...get tested she may have blown him without a rubber...cheaters lie

[My name is ED]

PSS YOU now KNOW she is a liar...get tested she may have blown him without a rubber...cheaters lie

 

 

Im telling you man, im living proof, i said it before in my comment i left you, my wife said the same thing, and now i have an STD and it won't go away

 

-ED

[seibert253]

Don't believe a word she says. Cheaters lie and liars cheat. Go to the clinic and get tested, today.

 

Start with your command, not the OM's. Go to your 1stSgt, Master Gunny, or CO. Let them know what's going on. Also let them know you are going to report the OM to his command staff. They may try to discourage you from doing this, but be insistant. If you're a good troop, they will help you through this.

[tami-chan]

I hate to differ with you, but I think you are better off telling your command, your command has your best interests at heart, and if you tell his command it is still going to get back to your command, UNLESS, you don't trust your command, but if you do, I think they will make things happen in a much better and quicker way.

 

In a perfect world OP's command has his interest at heart, in the real world...well...we know better. If it is a domestic situation and it does not include violence...they will tell him YOUR wife cheated....she is not in the military, she is a CIVILIAN(even thought the OM is in the military). They will tell him to reign his wife in or divorce her butt. THEN laugh at him!

 

He should tell HIS command, but he is right, he needs proof...or it won't hold water. Adultery is a UCMJ article 134 violation. It is a serious thing and the burden of proof is on him...or the military/government.

[Reggie]

Sounds like the military will take action against the OM, though. I'd consult with a friend, maybe a military lawyer, to see if what you have is enough proof.

I doubt he will be laughed at.

[tami-chan]

They will laugh at him. Maybe not all, but many will. It IS the culture. Secretly, many would empathize with him but outwardly they will think he is a schmuck. Sorry, OP, not trying to make you feel worse, but you already know this...

 

It is good that you have gone to the chaplain, and the counselor---so I take it that YOUR command knows? how else are you allowed to take time off to go see the counselor if not given permission to take off work? I know for a fact there is no counseling going on on Saturdays and holidays or even after 5pm....so what did your command say?

 

By the way, have you gone to JAG? Check your legal options.

[brokenairman]

Well an update on things, last night someone he works with found out what he was doing. Went to his command right away. When they asked him he did admit to it. There is a no contact order in place, and they are looking at other actions.

 

As for my Command, they all know what happened over the weekend, they have all been there to support me and help me with what ever problem could come up.

 

I have also found other wives that this guy has chased and they all had to report him to leave them alone. His command knows he is a problem child, they are going to flush it out. At this point he is not allowed into the store she works in after 5:00 every night to ensure there is not "accidental" contact.

 

I have not seen my command since we found out, I was out of the office this afternoon but my supervisor did call me and let me know what he was told. Everyone had my support and are going to help me no matter what path i go with my wife.

 

My wife and I have decided that we are not going to talk about what happened until this weekend, she is not allowed in the bedroom with. I have already told her it looks like divorce is around the corner and I want it to be civil and quick allowing us to move on in our lives.

 

So with all that said I have a meeting with my Commander and 1Sgt tomorrow and we will talk about everything that has happened.

 

Everyone thank you for helping me out with this problem, it has been great having someone to talk to. You have been a great help and i greatly appreciate it.

[tami-chan]

Glad you are in a better place, Airman. Since this guy has history and pattern and admitted to it, then the Military has a stronger case against him.

 

It's good to know your are not just letting your wife gaslight you. Good luck!!!!

[moman]

Excellent job buddy. Your handling of the situation has been superb, I'm sure you'll get through this in no time. Sorry to hear about your problems but just look at it as a new opportunity,.

[jmargel]

Glad you are on the right track. I would also ask your superiors to keep you away from any combat or excerises until you can get your full concentration back. Going into a harsh environment with all of this drama in your marriage would not be good.

 

I think at this point before divorce happens, the military would suggest some sort of marriage counseling. Has she done this before? Also this is a time to reflect on yourself. Though she is responsible for her cheating, it wouldn't hurt to look back on the things you have done in the past that you can improve on. When my ex did her cheating alot of energy and upsetment went into what she's done. After loathing for about six months I realized there were things I could improve on. Did alot of soul-searching.

 

Hang in there, if not day by day then hour by hour. You aren't alone in this, brighter skies are ahead.

[RunawayTrain]

Airman, I am glad you are doing semi-better. You are on the right track in my opinion taking charge and suggesting a divorce. You will make it through this. It sounds like you are receiving support from your command and friends. This douche has a history of doing this and he was exposed. Like I said in my original response, karma is a bitch. It is now time to deal with the issue at hand, your wife. I think it was very wise of you of setting the boundary of not allowing her in the bedroom, that shows that you mean business and that she royally messed and violated her vows. Keep us updated.

[brokenairman]

jmargel that is exactly what i am doing, just looking at everything little by little. My goal right now is just to stay strong and make it to the next hour. I'm ver lucky to have a supervisor that cares and understands what is going on and is giving me what ever time i need, no matter if it is an appt or if i just need to go to the base lake for an hour and clear my head.

 

Also when talking to my counsler she did notice somethings that were going on that could have caused some of these problems. For the last 1.5 years she has been my everything, i have not had the outside friends and activites that a person needs to be healthy. That I had placed to much on her and she felt more like a crutch to me then a wife. Now that i look back i can see that. I do blame part of it on my deployment because it started once i got back. Before I left i was always going fishing, hanging out with friends. We had our time together and away, all i had was her, or her at work and i waited for her to get home.

 

Still no matter what happens with her and I, I'm going to use what I have learned and use in the future. I will not allow myself to get stuck in the same rut again.

 

 

 

 

Now a little off subject but close.

 

After you have somone close to you cheat how do you move on, how do you start to trust people again? If it be with my wife or someone else, how do you allow yourself to open up. I had a similar thing happen in High School and for 2 years i refused to date, or get close to a girl because i could not trust any of them, I had told myself they would all hurt me. She was the first person since that happend i allowed myself to be open with, to share all my feeling and emotions with. I want to get past trust issues with people but i dont know if i will have the ability. Any suggestions, ideas?

[jasminetea]

Take a long, hard look at yourself for starters. Forget being with someone else for the time being and use the next few months working on yourself. That could mean getting some therapy, or going on retreat, or learning some self-improvement techniques, whatever. Once you are emotionally healthy, you won't need to have those doubts.