All in My Head-Need it out

[confusedinkansas]

she herself tells me to work on my marriage,

 

But neither of you are doing that if you keep "touching base" to see how the other one is. Does that make sense. Those feelings for this other woman will always be there as long as you continue contact. And visa versa for her.

She's not working on hers - Or she wouldn't agree to see you.

 

You do know that not making a decision - is making a decision? right?

 

I do know how hard this decision is. I for one sat on the fence for probably darn near 3 years. It's painful, difficult & stressful. (Oh, this will take a toll on your health if it already hasn't) I hope you figure it out soon - since it won't get easier - it can't possibly get harder either.

[65tr6]

can i ask, did your wife leave you solely because of the OM?..is she with him today?, did you have kids?.

 

My wife never left me. We are in recovery. She has maintained total NC since the d-day (for the last 9 months). We have a six year old son. We both love him to death.

 

i think the only way she finds out would be coming from me, i could be wrong but i do beleive this to be true.

 

I dont think so. You know why ? Read what you wrote below.

 

right now we have been talking alot about it because my sister is going through a nasty divorce,interestingly enough because her H told her he was leaving but didnt tell her why,she later discovered the A and he has now admitted it and is leaving her for a life with the MOW.i think alot of this has also gotten to me, seeing that i am guilty of the exact same thing, in fact i make my xbil look like a saint..but in conversations i actually sometimes defend his actions to leave rather than live a lie and my w is kind of surprised, i think she beleives that everything can be fixed.

 

NS, read what you wrote above over and over. And you think your wife wont know. Your sister figured this out and you think she wont share that with your wife ? What in the world are you smoking ?

 

Your sister wont exactly love you for what you did to your wife. She will become your wife's best buddy (and why not).

[NOTSURE7]

But neither of you are doing that if you keep "touching base" to see how the other one is. Does that make sense. Those feelings for this other woman will always be there as long as you continue contact. And visa versa for her.

She's not working on hers - Or she wouldn't agree to see you.

 

You do know that not making a decision - is making a decision? right?

 

I do know how hard this decision is. I for one sat on the fence for probably darn near 3 years. It's painful, difficult & stressful. (Oh, this will take a toll on your health if it already hasn't) I hope you figure it out soon - since it won't get easier - it can't possibly get harder either.

 

you are correct,the feelings will not go anywhere..if she truly wanted to work on her M she would go nc with me,she has tried but only with weak emails saying she needs to be done etc etc and the second i write back to her she responds and then we met yesterday and it was like no time had passed.

 

yes i know that not making a decision is actually making one because by me not giving up the ow i am making a decision to continue this and leave myself out on the fence.

 

yes i know it can take a toll on my health, i was actually in the er this saturday passing a kidney stone, i have no clue if its related but still not a good thing.

 

its not getting any easier, i keep thinking i can solve this but its onlt getting harder and harder...

[pollswolls]

i think she beleives that everything can be fixed.

 

Well that statement alone would make me think that IF she found out - or you told her, she'd want to work things out. Right?

 

This is pretty good timing - your sister & brother-in-law's marriage -

Gives you an opportunity to "Feel your wife out" a little - wouldn't you say?

[NOTSURE7]

My wife never left me. We are in recovery. She has maintained total NC since the d-day (for the last 9 months). We have a six year old son. We both love him to death.

 

 

 

I dont think so. You know why ? Read what you wrote below.

 

 

 

NS, read what you wrote above over and over. And you think your wife wont know. Your sister figured this out and you think she wont share that with your wife ? What in the world are you smoking ?

 

Your sister wont exactly love you for what you did to your wife. She will become your wife's best buddy (and why not).

 

if i leave i will tell my w why and what i did, she wont need to employ my sister to help her, she already knows how my sister found out and all she did to find out.

 

my sisters H told her nothing excpet some crap so she set out to find the truth.

 

when i said my w wouldnt find out unless i tell her i meant right now in the current state, i didnt mean it in the if i left her point.

[NOTSURE7]

Well that statement alone would make me think that IF she found out - or you told her, she'd want to work things out. Right?

 

This is pretty good timing - your sister & brother-in-law's marriage -

Gives you an opportunity to "Feel your wife out" a little - wouldn't you say?

 

yes i have been feeling her out alot, its nightly conversation and i have been able to extract alot of her views about it,some of the highlights:

 

she thinks he is a snake and dosent understand how one human being can do that to another.

 

she thinks he should have fixed the problem and not left, i said well he was miserable so he should have stayed? and she says yes,he shouldnt have done it in the first place and he should fix it.

 

she thinks he is living in a fantasy world, interstingly enough he left my sister for an ow with 3 kids, my ow has 3 kids, its really all eerie..

 

she cant beleive how quickly it all went so bad and how he can do this to his children.

 

she dosent understand why he needs to get divorced

 

she says if this were her she wouldnt be able to breath or leave the house and our kids would never be the same.

 

so i found out alot, none which was at all helpful considering i am worse than my Xbil..she just dosent know it

[whichwayisup]

Just wondering..Have you called a counsellor yet? Someone to talk to about your stuff, all that's going on inside?

[NOTSURE7]

Just wondering..Have you called a counsellor yet? Someone to talk to about your stuff, all that's going on inside?

 

to be honest, no i have not...as you can see i am still all over the place but looking for resolution one way or the other.

[NOTSURE7]

Well that statement alone would make me think that IF she found out - or you told her, she'd want to work things out. Right?

 

yes i think she would want to work it out no matter what but there in lies my problem, i have to decide that i want it worked out before i say or do anything.

[MistyK]

NS7,

You have to make a decision as to whether you want in or out of your marriage before you can do anything. And you need to do it SOON, because you WILL get busted (thinking otherwise pretty much guarantees this) and then your choices change. You have here an opportunity to get out of this mess with less damage or nuclear explosion damage. I was never able to convince xMM of this but now he knows the hard way and regrets like crazy.

 

It sounds like you want out but that your impulse to stay in the M for the wrong reasons (to support an image of you for your W that isn't really you, to avoid guilt, feel you are shouldering the duty you signed up for at marriage, because you believe your W "needs" you.) That isn't good, and it isn't fair to your wife. She is a big girl. She will be fine.

 

You know, sometimes guilt is really caused by anger. Is it possible you've grown to resent your W for all the reasons she's the "wrong woman"?

 

At any rate, you're flailing at this point and you need to process your decision. Once it's made you have to act on it and try your best not to waffle because it hurts everyone worse.

 

A lot of folks here are essentially telling you the same thing - and I hope you are able to really absorb it for your sake. I can tell you from xMM's experience, he is sorry he didn't listen. Very sorry. He lost it all, and now it's too late.

[bentnotbroken]

to be honest, no i have not...as you can see i am still all over the place but looking for resolution one way or the other.

 

 

And the merry go round keeps going round and round. And the speed is increasing.

[NOTSURE7]

I wasn't going 2 come back on this thread until page 38, because you still haven't learned jack - you just think you have.

 

But 2 answer your post above, I would say No, the pressure here isn't just that you need 2 decide that you want 2 work it out. You need 2 decide whether you want 2 be a man of integrity and whether you think your W deserves 2 make her own decisions about her life from a position of knowledge and not of suspicion. Because you can bet she's getting suspicious.

 

Also, I wouldn't be surprised if your "eerie coincidence" is nothing of the sort, and your brother just moved in with YOUR other woman.

 

Stranger things have happened.

 

-ol' 2long

 

i was with you until the conspiracy theory..lol..no my x bil moved to another state to be with a woman,def not my ow.

[NOTSURE7]

NS7,

You have to make a decision as to whether you want in or out of your marriage before you can do anything. And you need to do it SOON, because you WILL get busted (thinking otherwise pretty much guarantees this) and then your choices change. You have here an opportunity to get out of this mess with less damage or nuclear explosion damage. I was never able to convince xMM of this but now he knows the hard way and regrets like crazy.

 

It sounds like you want out but that your impulse to stay in the M for the wrong reasons (to support an image of you for your W that isn't really you, to avoid guilt, feel you are shouldering the duty you signed up for at marriage, because you believe your W "needs" you.) That isn't good, and it isn't fair to your wife. She is a big girl. She will be fine.

 

You know, sometimes guilt is really caused by anger. Is it possible you've grown to resent your W for all the reasons she's the "wrong woman"?

 

At any rate, you're flailing at this point and you need to process your decision. Once it's made you have to act on it and try your best not to waffle because it hurts everyone worse.

 

A lot of folks here are essentially telling you the same thing - and I hope you are able to really absorb it for your sake. I can tell you from xMM's experience, he is sorry he didn't listen. Very sorry. He lost it all, and now it's too late.

 

i am trying misty, i hear all the advice and i know what i need to do but its just not easy.

[MistyK]

i am trying misty, i hear all the advice and i know what i need to do but its just not easy.

 

I know, and I'm not trying to ram it down your throat, but I can't tell you how many times I heard "it's not easy" or "this is hard me" thrown up as a reason my xMM used to do nothing. When he got busted and the W didn't leave him he didn't know what to do. He hadn't decided, so he flailed and went back and forth and did nothing. In the meantime, he strung along me and his W for over a year, only to lose us both. Harsh or no, that WILL be your fate is you screw around.

 

Telling your W isn't going to help you decide (and she cannot decide for you) or keep you from cheating. Frankly it sounds like you already have decided and just don't know how to implement it. You know what the right thing to do is and you have the unique opportunity to try to make it right before it gets unbelievably ugly. That window of opportunity will close.

 

In fairness, I tried to save my xMM from himself and he didn't listen. Alll of these are reasons why I "ripped the band-aid off" with my own M. Once I made the decision I went with it, completely and without regret. I found that very frustrating that xMM didn't listen. Maybe I would feel vindicated if I can save someone else from napalming themselves and everyone around them with this paralytic "indecision". So that's my issue, just so you know where I'm coming from.

[NOTSURE7]

I know, and I'm not trying to ram it down your throat, but I can't tell you how many times I heard "it's not easy" or "this is hard me" thrown up as a reason my xMM used to do nothing. When he got busted and the W didn't leave him he didn't know what to do. He hadn't decided, so he flailed and went back and forth and did nothing. In the meantime, he strung along me and his W for over a year, only to lose us both. Harsh or no, that WILL be your fate is you screw around.

 

Telling your W isn't going to help you decide (and she cannot decide for you) or keep you from cheating. Frankly it sounds like you already have decided and just don't know how to implement it. You know what the right thing to do is and you have the unique opportunity to try to make it right before it gets unbelievably ugly. That window of opportunity will close.

 

In fairness, I tried to save my xMM from himself and he didn't listen. Alll of these are reasons why I "ripped the band-aid off" with my own M. Once I made the decision I went with it, completely and without regret. I found that very frustrating that xMM didn't listen. Maybe I would feel vindicated if I can save someone else from napalming themselves and everyone around them with this paralytic "indecision". So that's my issue, just so you know where I'm coming from.

 

i am just curious how telling her vs her finding out makes it any better?, i truly do not beleive she will find out but i am curious as to how the devastation is any less..

 

i know something needs to be done or else i wouldnt be here,i am tired of the flailing and the going back and forth on what i should do, its eating away at me..

[MistyK]

i am just curious how telling her vs her finding out makes it any better?, i truly do not beleive she will find out but i am curious as to how the devastation is any less..

 

 

It just does. You telling her yourself gives her the respect of hearing it from you, and not from some idiot at the grocery store. And she's more likely to be able to trust you if you come clean on your own. It's a huge difference. And BTW, my Xmm was 100% positive he wouldn't get caught either. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

 

But truly, I still think that if you leave the M, you needn't hurt her by telling her that. You do have other reasons to give her, and she doesn't have to think they are weighty enough to leave a marriage. Only YOU do, because you are the one thinking of leaving. I think you're guilt is getting in the way right now to clearly see those reasons, but they are there - all those reasons that gave you the feeling that she was "wrong" for you in the 1st place.

 

For the record, I did not tell my xH about the EA, my best friend ratted me out (well, now ex-best friend) about a month after we separated. By then, it mattered less because my H and I both knew our M was over. So if it means anything, at least with this issue, I practiced what I preach.

[NOTSURE7]

yes my guilt is definetely keeping me from action, i see her so happy and smiling and enjoying life and i dont want to ruin that, i know my actions have already ruined that and i also know that its all a lie so what am i really tearing apart anyway, i guess its just hard,i have been living a double life and miserable inside my own head for so long its dificult to just walk in and say guess what, i am not who i am, your life is nothing like you thought etc etc, i get myself all ready to do it and i think i can and i back away.

 

i dont know if she will find out from a guy in the grocery store but you are correct that you never really know, also i am a great actor and cover all of my tracks but my moods and my getting lost out in no mans land in my head can give signs.

[MistyK]

NS7,

OMG, that's exactly what xMM said about being a good actor. Oy. Keep in mind that you can be the best track-coverer there is, but things have a way of getting out. Besides, if your MW is maybe not so good, her situation blowing up with her H finding out raises the likelihood or your A being discovered on your end 100 fold.

 

Her smiles are unfortunately based on a lie. You don't get to decide for her what will make her happy, though it sounds like you feel that responsibility. You ever see Sliding Doors? It has to do with 2 outcomes based on whether a woman makes it home into time to bust her H cheating or just misses it. Generally people will choose for the honest life, rather than the "happy" one based on lies.

 

Finding the words has to be difficult. It was hard for me with my H, but I had just come home from a therapy session so I felt string enough to do it. I think he sensed that our M hinged on what happened in that session. Anyway, I'd strongly advise finding a counselor and /or maybe writing your wife a letter (that you may never give her), but something to help you find the words.

[NOTSURE7]

NS7,

OMG, that's exactly what xMM said about being a good actor. Oy. Keep in mind that you can be the best track-coverer there is, but things have a way of getting out. Besides, if your MW is maybe not so good, her situation blowing up with her H finding out raises the likelihood or your A being discovered on your end 100 fold.

 

Her smiles are unfortunately based on a lie. You don't get to decide for her what will make her happy, though it sounds like you feel that responsibility. You ever see Sliding Doors? It has to do with 2 outcomes based on whether a woman makes it home into time to bust her H cheating or just misses it. Generally people will choose for the honest life, rather than the "happy" one based on lies.

 

Finding the words has to be difficult. It was hard for me with my H, but I had just come home from a therapy session so I felt string enough to do it. I think he sensed that our M hinged on what happened in that session. Anyway, I'd strongly advise finding a counselor and /or maybe writing your wife a letter (that you may never give her), but something to help you find the words.

 

its true i feel like an actor or a robot playing a role,everything is fake and for a long time i let it all go and this was just my life but now i have this sinking feeling and its hard to keep on acting.

 

i never saw that movie but can imagine the premise, i know people want honesty, unfortunately i never have had much of that in my life.

 

i just see the kids and i cant bear the pain and i just keep on waffling, sitting and thinking about it till im sick and doing nothing, i need strength, its amazing how easily i can carry on the A and talk to the ow but yet i cant spit a word out to my W.

 

deep down i am a good guy, i know that many view cheaters as this and that but there is a good guy wanting to do the right things somewhere in here, this is just so hard, maybe the hardest thing i have ever had to do or think about.its literally eating me alive..

[NOTSURE7]

Do you really believe you can live with yourself, with the guilt of being a liar and the knowledge that you are trashing a good thing (your w and kids love you, the OW just loves how you make her feel when she "has" you) if your choice is 2 leave her but never tell her the truth about why you're leaving her?

 

Good luck with that. Frankly, if you CAN do that, then you're definitely not marriage material and your wife and kids are better off without you in their lives - it would just be better for them in making relationship choices in the fu2re if they knew why you really left - because you're a coward.

 

Telling the truth is simple, though it might not be easy.

 

As for her finding out from you or some other means? I discovered my W's 11-yr affair by accident about 2 months after the PA had ended by her own choice. Her "plan" was 2 try 2 reconnect with me and see if a year or so later on she would want 2 tell me what happened herself. If she HAD told me, we'd have come a long way 2ward rebuilding trust by now, over 7 years later. But she didn't.

 

Incidentally, I had an IC who told me that he advises clients of his who've had affairs but ended them on their own NOT 2 tell their BS. I told him "That's measured honesty, and by definition is also measured deceit, and I won't have any of it." I fired him a few sessions later, when it became clear 2 me that, although assured me that he would work with me however I wanted, his heart wasn't in it. Heck, he was advocating lying, for rice cake!

 

I found out when I was 49. Can you imagine what retirement would have been like if I'd found out in my 60's or 70's when I couldn't "start over" with someone else?

 

I'm not religious, but "The truth will set you free" applies here. You'll be free of the guilt sooner if you're truthful because it's the right thing 2 do, not because you're comfortable.

 

-ol' 2long

 

if you read my posts you will see that i agree that if i leave my w she needs to know everything and why i am leaving, i never said otherwise, i beleive that to be the only way..

 

yes i am a coward right now for cheating and living a lie and deceiving others buut i beleive in people knowing the truth and if i come clean i will be fully honest.

 

right now keeping it all inside with nobody but myself to talk too is not helping me one bit, the guilt alone is eating away at me

[NOTSURE7]

This is a "make nice" way of saying you're a great liar. I'd be willing 2 bet that you're not as good an actor as your W is at wishful thinking (all us BSs find that we were 2 trusting, because we didn't want 2 believe that our WS could be so utterly selfish).

 

-ol' 2long

 

its absolutely saying that i am a great liar,i cover my tracks and she is not at all suspecting because i put on a good show.she is very trusting and dosent want to even think it can happen even with my past gambling and what she knows about my father and his cheating history.

 

i truly do not beleive she will ever find out unless of course i become a man and tell her.

[MistyK]

NS7,

I know you want to do the right thing here. And I believe it is eating you alive. But getting bogged about how you've been a cake eater isn't getting you from point a to point b. You've done something wrong and you need to fix it. Get out of your own head a minute, sounds like you've been obsessing in there a lot. It may help to at least put things on hold with the OW for awhile so you have a clear head to interact with your W.

 

I know you fear the consequences of honesty, but the consequences of doing nothing are worse, WAY worse, for everyone.

[whichwayisup]

to be honest, no i have not...as you can see i am still all over the place but looking for resolution one way or the other.

Well, make the call buddy!

[Athena]

Ahh, Notsure, I started reading your thread but only managed to read the first three pages... have got to post to you... Looks like you should do some research on the Internet on Commitment Phobia -- you mentioned some typical traits such as "Feeling trapped", "difficulty making decisions", "holding back" from your wife, you "feeling smothered" by your wife, as well as words like wanting to "be free".

 

You also show signs of being PASSIVE and being a Conflict Avoider.... If you, as you say, want to 'understand yourself' then start looking into these three things. Even in the way you use language; in the way you describe events, choices, and decisions in your life, you paint things as just Happening TO you... not as YOU choosing to do things, making them happen, etc...

 

For e.g: "That's how the gambling came back to get me too" (oh, really? This force called "Gambling" came and GOT you, hmmm? You didn't make the CHOICE to go gamble huh?)

 

e.g: You worry that "the behavior doesn't happen again" (same thing here... things just Happen TO you... not your doing, choosing, directing, nothing... you are passively ACTED upon by outside forces and 'agents'). More e.g's "It's funny I think back and wonder how I got here"

e.g: "And then it all began (...) and now I am here, 11 years later"

Even your screen name here on these boards: "Notsure" it is indecisive and wishy-washy... hmm.

 

You ask us on this thread -- Whether you can change?

Do you WANT to?!

Do you know what you want to change into?

Do you know what you want to change from?

Then -- if you DO decide (heaven forbid... you have to make a choice here ) to change... you must first Acknowledge what it is you want to change. And what you want to change into. And figure out (a plan) on how to get there... through gradual steps. Yes, it might be easier with the help of a Professional, however, you apparently haven't yet committed yourself to actually wanting to get that help.. you are at the first stage only -- you have a seed of a thought in your mind.. you are feeling uncomfortable with the seemingly emptiness of your life, with the loneliness of always having to look pulled together, to do 'the right things', even though you are looking out of those sad eyes of yours... you want something different, something better, but you are Afraid.

 

Lets look at what you've said (only in the first three pages that I have read so far) about yourself... starting with your childhood -- you came from a chaotic lifestyle. Constantly moving... (ie. lacking stability, lacking consistency, lacking continuation of normal things in life such as long-term friends). What do we do as adults when we come from a Chaotic childhood? We SEEK a chaotic lifestyle, a messy relationship, we seek to re-create what we grew up with, with what feels 'normal' to us, with what we associate as 'love' (even if it wasn't much).

 

Now you met your wife, you say, when you were 'needy' (oh bother, doesn't that just annoy you now, every time you look at your wife and you think back on your 'neediness' period of your life?). You know you are 'polar opposites' (what way? Is she moral, you immoral? she fat, you thin? She thick, you smart? She religious, you atheist? She hate sex, you like sex?) No, I doubt in those ways... more likely than not, she is loving, affectionate, truthful, open, honest, capable, warm, and STABLE.

]You, are not.

 

You are like a loose cannon aboard the deck of a ship -- lolling around on the high seas, ready to destroy all... SHE is your anchor. Your core. Your compass and your star to steer you by.

 

But you feel resentful of her. Cautious. You see her as 'better' than you, more powerful even, so you Hold Back. And wouldn't it be terrible if she got to know 'the real you' and found you out?!

The only reason you don't have "that connection" you speak of, is that you withhold that from your wife. You do not share your thoughts with her. You are not open (sharing your emotions and feelings), you are not even truthful!!!! with her! so how would you even expect to have any kind of a connection with her?

But you claim you want a connection... (just not with your wife?)... you must realize, don't you, that the only reason why the OW "gets you" so well is because YOU GAVE HER THE TOOLS... you "opened up to her and talked more to her than anyone in your life!"

You told her your faults.

You told her about your history, your feelings, your thoughts, and you shared who you are, with her. But, on the other hand, you say that you Never told your wife anything, that you always held back... so HOW can you possibly expect to have a connection with your wife, since you made damn sure you always held back from her? You cannot complain about not having something with her that you denied her, that you hid from her.

 

It is no surprise then, really, is it, when OW 'gets you'.

 

 

Really, Notsure7, it doesn't matter if you and your wife do not see the world 'the same way' -- what really matters is that you have not allowed your wife to see you, or to see how YOU view the world. You just live on in her world, as an impostor. That's why you hide behind those sad eyes of yours. You have chosen not to let your wife get to know you.

I think the reason why you haven't talked and shared with your wife is because you were afraid to make the connection to her. Afraid to commit. To give her your heart.

 

Let me also address that comment of yours, that you "always look for the emotional attachment too, not just the physical" with an affair partner...

Well, that is in order to guarantee the emotional distance from your wife.

 

That is the FUNCTION of an Affair ---> to emotionally distance yourself.

 

How many ways are YOU doing this? You lie, you cover up, you have affairs, you don't volunteer or share any information about the True You...

 

Now, although you mention that you have been feeling at odds with yourself for years, it has, essentially, worked for you! But not anymore. WHY NOW?

 

Another thing I want to point out to you is that when you got married and cheated so soon after the wedding (3 mths?) that was you escaping... that was you feeling uncomfortable, that was you emotionally distancing yourself from your wife, running off to a Fantasy, away from the reality of your wife and marriage, you chose to cheat.

 

You also had a sort of Fantasy affair -- the emotional affair -- of 4 years. It's like you cannot deal with the Reality, so you escape to the fantasy.

 

I note that you have an Addictive Personality with gambling and sex. You run from intimacy into an addiction of yours --> gambling, or sex, each time.

 

A phrase you used about OW was that you were "battling 2 fronts" -- that is, your wife, and your OW... hmm, interesting choice of words... your OW was fine as long as she was 'over there', but now she's behaving like a demanding wife!

 

From your very first post there's a Disconnect. In you. Between what you think/believe you ought to be saying/doing, and what you revert back to doing --> your behavior. With Right vrs Wrong. You set yourself up to be unhappy. You're lost. You pine for "being free" -- from what?! You will still have to face YOURSELF even if you run away from your W and M! And if you shack up with OW, you will just be exchanging one set of worries, for a whole new set of worries (divorce, kids, her M, her H, her kids, family, friends, etc).

 

You show the earliest willingness to change, by the mere fact that the growing voice of discomfort is growing louder and louder in you. No, it's not that you will have happiness brought into your life, it is that you must change things in you, and be happy! And you cannot be happy until there is an alignment in you between what you feel, think, and act... you cannot behave in discordance with WHO you are inside! You've been doing just that for so long, but in the end, you can see it did not protect you, keep you safe, it just made you unhappy. You simply must start to SPEAK OUT ALOUD about who you are, what you like, and what you think.

You must start making choices in your life.

Make decisions, and live with the outcomes.

Share yourself with your wife and your family. Stop being a shell of a man with a real-looking veneer, but feeling like a fake inside. You must start with TRUTH telling.

 

And NO, I do not suggest you start by telling your W about your affairs! I suggest you tackle YOURSELF first... then lastly your marriage!!! You must start to open up. You would do well to go to a counselor and begin with truth-telling there... I know you are nervous about it, because a counselor means face-to-face, and you obviously have problems with doing things in person. That's why you find it easier to confide and open up with OW via emails (not in person) and with us here on LoveShack... but at least it's a start.

 

Thing is, before you can start being open and honest with your wife, you need to practice... and the least threatening place is with a counselor... a Professional who will NEVER judge you. A person who is trained to help you. To give you techniques to help you on your way.

You have the desire, you have the discomfort of having lived your life this way for so long, now you must make the Decision (yes, I know that's not easy for you) to move forward and get help for yourself....

 

Stop telling people what you think they want to hear. Stop worrying about 'being found out'... you are allowed to be you. You just need help with it. But you can take baby steps to start in the meantime...

[confusedinkansas]

yes my guilt is definetely keeping me from action, i see her so happy and smiling and enjoying life and i dont want to ruin that, i.

 

I have a question - & Maybe this subject has been brought up & I missed it (long thread)...But

Do you tell your wife you love her?