Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 Owl - How is it that you are 100% positive that IF he should tell his wife he WILL stop? I'm skeptical about that - even if he does decide to stay & tell her. He's already said even today that he's seen the other woman. - I don't think that if his wife knew it would make any difference to him at all. I think that he would still find a way to see the other woman. i dont think owl really thinks that just telling my w will stop me, but he is saying that if she is watching me i will be accountable and less likely to try to do anything.when she caught my gambling she took over all money issues etc and i never gambled again, this is his point i think. but yes unless i figure things out and face the real problem which is me, then of course when the dust settle i cant be sure i wont be right back at it.i have always asmitted this, i have been 100% honest here.
confusedinkansas Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 THIS IS WHAT YOU DO. 1) Make arrangements to move out of the house as soon as you tell her. 2) Tell her your history, the truth about your feelings for OW as well as your lack of feeling for her. 3) Explain to her that you are not going to for one minute lead her on and that your marriage is over and that you would like to make the process as painless as possible for her and your children. 4) Set a day to further answer what ever million questions will pop into her head. 5) Do not in anyway console her as a way to alliviate your burden of self inclicted guilt. Let her use family and other resources but don't let her rely on you for emotional support. 6) Hire a lawyer and fairly divorce her. Grow a backbone man. . He won't do any of this - so typing out specific instructinons for him is a bit redundant. i am trying, i want to tell her but i am scared to do it Of course you're scared - we are all afraid of the unknown. Earlier in this post you were talking like you didn't want to leave & that you were just going to try to work on your marriage. Did seeing this other woman again change your mind? I say, if you're going to just up & leave anyway, don't hurt her any more than is necessary. Hell, make something up....Use the "Mid-Life Crisis" one - it seemed to work for my husband 3 damn times in our marriage!!! (And really, how many of those are you guys allowed to have anyway )
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 Ofcourse, you don't want to deal with the fall out. Ofcourse, she's going to cry, get angry, refuse to believe... you'll be living with Sybil. There is NO WAY to get around the hurt of the situation you've chosen for her... nor your guilt when she finds out that's how you are repaying her for her love and devotion. Who would want to be in your shoes (or hers for that matter)? You are going to ask her to stop believing in the life you've convinced her she had and to accept that it was all a sham. How long would it take you to soak something like that in? I call BS on this Notsure. YOU will get peace if she gives up on you and the life you've had so that YOU won't have to be the bad guy??? YOU will get peace when she decides to leave or stay knowing your faults??? That is the most unfair thing I've ever heard. YOU chose for her to believe in your M. YOU chose to live a double life. THIS IS WHAT YOU DO. 1) Make arrangements to move out of the house as soon as you tell her. 2) Tell her your history, the truth about your feelings for OW as well as your lack of feeling for her. 3) Explain to her that you are not going to for one minute lead her on and that your marriage is over and that you would like to make the process as painless as possible for her and your children. 4) Set a day to further answer what ever million questions will pop into her head. 5) Do not in anyway console her as a way to alliviate your burden of self inclicted guilt. Let her use family and other resources but don't let her rely on you for emotional support. 6) Hire a lawyer and fairly divorce her. Grow a backbone man. It is YOUR problems that brought you here, you don't need your wife to make the decisions in the state she will be in and you have already made yours. You know you want to leave your marriage, it resounds in all of your posts. Get out, then you can persue your happiness in a way that won't be at the expense of people who love you. "Let the chips fall" is BS. Take some personal responsibility. That's the kind of thinking that got you into this mess to begin with. Do not punish your wife any further for loving you. Pull the bandage off quickly for HER sake. i appreciate your advice but its all easier said than done.i dont see how i wouldnt eventually get peace if she decides to stay or leave knowing my faults, thats not bs, she would have all the facts and she would no longer be living a lie and in turn peace would eventually come.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 He won't do any of this - so typing out specific instructinons for him is a bit redundant. Of course you're scared - we are all afraid of the unknown. Earlier in this post you were talking like you didn't want to leave & that you were just going to try to work on your marriage. Did seeing this other woman again change your mind? I say, if you're going to just up & leave anyway, don't hurt her any more than is necessary. Hell, make something up....Use the "Mid-Life Crisis" one - it seemed to work for my husband 3 damn times in our marriage!!! (And really, how many of those are you guys allowed to have anyway ) the unknown is the worst, i just wish i could see the future.i think seeing the ow didnt help as we had a long talk to boot but this has been ongoing for me for quite sometime,i just cant get passed it and the guilt and the double life are getting to me,heck i am here typing just to find some help. i dont want to up and leave for no real reason, mid life crisis is not a reason, i think as much as it would hurt she would need to know the real reason,she will be devastated but i am not sure shocked as i gambled in the past and she knows my fathers history and how it has effected me.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 i appreciate your advice but its all easier said than done.i dont see how i wouldnt eventually get peace if she decides to stay or leave knowing my faults, thats not bs, she would have all the facts and she would no longer be living a lie and in turn peace would eventually come. Because SHE will be dealing with the pain and burden, and you get peace??? You keep wanting her to accept the burden for YOUR problem. If you had any empathy at all you would want to make that as painless as possible. Would you bet on your marriage given the odds (of your history)?? I think not, but you would bet on your wives devotion to accept and love you regardless. This is about you, if you have any love at all for her you will continue with the decision making and leave. What the heck could be hard about that... given the position you find yourself in.
PhoenixRise Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 the unknown is the worst, i just wish i could see the future.i think seeing the ow didnt help as we had a long talk to boot but this has been ongoing for me for quite sometime,i just cant get passed it and the guilt and the double life are getting to me,heck i am here typing just to find some help. i dont want to up and leave for no real reason, mid life crisis is not a reason, i think as much as it would hurt she would need to know the real reason,she will be devastated but i am not sure shocked as i gambled in the past and she knows my fathers history and how it has effected me. I agree with you here. If you are leaving tell her the truth about why. The truth will hurt her but it will also set her free. She will not be as inclined to fight for a marriage that you no longer want if she knows the whole truth. I still can't tell though...... Are you deciding to leave? OR Are you fighting for your marriage? OR Are you putting the weight of this decision on your wife?
pollswolls Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 the unknown is the worst, i just wish i could see the future.i think seeing the ow didnt help as we had a long talk to boot Yes the unknown sucks. But it's part of LIFE. Is it not? You say you had a long talk with the other woman. AND....has she decided to quit working on her marriage? Are you two planning on the "Happily Ever After" life? I'm kind of dumbfounded over this - I know a few people that have had affairs - but none as indecisive as you
dn121 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 UGH - I only read the opening post, but I swear I thought I was reading my own story!! You and my XH are clones. I was stupid enough to stay with him for 17 years while he screwed around with anything that moved. Finally it caught up with him and cost him his job (he was a teacher). That's when I finally threw in the towel - I was 43 years old. You know what? Do your poor wife a HUGE favor and let her go to find someone who will be an honest husband to her, while she is still a young person. I wish to hell my XH had done me that favor. I wasted a lot of good years....and am alone today thanks to all the baggage I carry from that A-hole. Grow a pair and let her go!!
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 Because SHE will be dealing with the pain and burden, and you get peace??? You keep wanting her to accept the burden for YOUR problem. If you had any empathy at all you would want to make that as painless as possible. Would you bet on your marriage given the odds (of your history)?? I think not, but you would bet on your wives devotion to accept and love you regardless. This is about you, if you have any love at all for her you will continue with the decision making and leave. What the heck could be hard about that... given the position you find yourself in. i think you misread me, i dont think peace will come instantly, my point was more that at least i wont be living a double life or having my W beleive that she has the perfect life, thats more what i meant by peace.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 I agree with you here. If you are leaving tell her the truth about why. The truth will hurt her but it will also set her free. She will not be as inclined to fight for a marriage that you no longer want if she knows the whole truth. I still can't tell though...... Are you deciding to leave? OR Are you fighting for your marriage? OR Are you putting the weight of this decision on your wife? i think its would be my only way really, if i dont tell her then i am doing no better than i am now,i think anyone needs to know the whole truth, i wouldnt want to leave her guessing,that was cause the same self doubt and pain at lease by telling her she knows i am a piece of garbabge and can make her own decisions. i am not putting the weight on her, but to be honest right now i am trying to figure out if coming clean is my best option,i dont know when i enter the conversation if i will be fighting for it or ready to leave, although i think i should probably be clear on that otherwise the tears and the asking why and the begging will sway me and then i am right back were i started from
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 ,i dont know when i enter the conversation if i will be fighting for it or ready to leave, THIS is the problem. YOU have to make the decision first. Get some help and don't tell until your decision is made. Its unfair to your family to try to forgive something and work for something that you yourself are not sure that you want.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 Yes the unknown sucks. But it's part of LIFE. Is it not? You say you had a long talk with the other woman. AND....has she decided to quit working on her marriage? Are you two planning on the "Happily Ever After" life? I'm kind of dumbfounded over this - I know a few people that have had affairs - but none as indecisive as you me and the ow have always had very open honest conversations, i never told her any stories, she knows exactly where my head is at and vice versa..i know you will think thats crap but its true, i have been more honest with her than i ever have been in my entire life.i make no promises to her and she makes none to me. that being said, she says she wants to work on her m but like me excpet for talking she dosent seem to be doing anything, although she does go to a therapist.she has her own issues in her marriage and she can and might leave based on many things, her H has an idea she is not happy so she dosent have any need to reveal the A to leave him, so in answer to question i think she is still undecided and she tells me i should work on my marriiage because i think that she would want me only if i truly tried to do everything in my M, but of course we really are not helping one another by continuing our A. We arent planning on anything, have we fantasized about it yes,do i think that if we both left our spouses on our terms that we would give it a go yes, but there is no master plan at all.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 UGH - I only read the opening post, but I swear I thought I was reading my own story!! You and my XH are clones. I was stupid enough to stay with him for 17 years while he screwed around with anything that moved. Finally it caught up with him and cost him his job (he was a teacher). That's when I finally threw in the towel - I was 43 years old. You know what? Do your poor wife a HUGE favor and let her go to find someone who will be an honest husband to her, while she is still a young person. I wish to hell my XH had done me that favor. I wasted a lot of good years....and am alone today thanks to all the baggage I carry from that A-hole. Grow a pair and let her go!! i am sorry he did that to you, that is one of my biggest things , is that i dont want to take anymore years away from her, yes it will take her a long time to get over but at least she wont be 60,she will be mad no matter what age but at least time will be on her side... my father is 65 and he stayed with my mom through it all,mostly for the kids i beleive and guess what, i still think he is out there with other woman.thats not a fate i want or that i would want my W to have.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 Hello dear, i saw your profile and like to meet with you here is my e mail adress [email protected] hope to hear from you soonest [email protected] i assume this is some sort of scam? why would you like to meet with me?, i would like to hear what you have to say but please post it on the board..thanks
Owl Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 ,i dont know when i enter the conversation if i will be fighting for it or ready to leave, THIS is the problem. YOU have to make the decision first. Get some help and don't tell until your decision is made. Its unfair to your family to try to forgive something and work for something that you yourself are not sure that you want. I completely agree with this. You'd better have already decided to work on your marriage...or you're stressing yourself and everyone else out for nothing. Perhaps that really is your first step...but the problem I see is that you're going to waste all kinds of time with this as an excuse to make no changes going forward. CHOOSE TO FIX YOUR MARRIAGE, AND THEN TELL YOUR WIFE ASAP. OR...FILE AND GET OUT. STOP WASTING TIME AND LETTING YOURSELF KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!!
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 ,i dont know when i enter the conversation if i will be fighting for it or ready to leave, THIS is the problem. YOU have to make the decision first. Get some help and don't tell until your decision is made. Its unfair to your family to try to forgive something and work for something that you yourself are not sure that you want. you are 100% correct, if i go in wishy washy it will serve no purpose because i will go right into telling her what she wants to hear and consoling her mode.i need to figure this out first and stick by my decision.i would never ask her to forgive or try to work through it if i am not commited to that myself.
confusedinkansas Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 she has her own issues in her marriage and she can and might leave based on many things So right now........JUST IN CASE.......You are keeping your options open. Not cutting it off with the other woman (in case she leaves her husband) & not telling your wife (just in case the other woman decides to stay with her husband) WOW that all seems so fair! if we both left our spouses on our terms that we would give it a go yes On your own terms? Keep telling yourself that & you might convince yourself. I left my husband "On my own terms" (because of other issues - not the affair) but sure as hell-in the back of my mind- was hoping the other man might be lurking in the distance to "Pick up the pieces" ..... But Lo & Behold - He was not. He was busy playing with his new victim. Another married woman.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 I completely agree with this. You'd better have already decided to work on your marriage...or you're stressing yourself and everyone else out for nothing. Perhaps that really is your first step...but the problem I see is that you're going to waste all kinds of time with this as an excuse to make no changes going forward. CHOOSE TO FIX YOUR MARRIAGE, AND THEN TELL YOUR WIFE ASAP. OR...FILE AND GET OUT. STOP WASTING TIME AND LETTING YOURSELF KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!! i know owl that i am wasting time but please understand this isisnt easy.
65tr6 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 what i was saying was that if i was to present to my wife why i am leaving her without including the very important details of the A then i would not have all that much to go on.. it may sound strange but i cant really pinpoint exactly why i am so unhappy. lol. DO NOT underestimate your wife !! 15 years ago may be it was difficult to figure this out. We have "grown" as human beings. We now understand human beings much better. Why do they it and how they do it. It is not a big mystery anymore. People in affairs follow remarkably similar patterns. It was rocket science 15 years ago but not anymore. My wife said she wanted to divorce me after I insisted on why she was being so aloof. She never confessed she was in an affair. 6 hours later, I was on google, marriagebuilders, LS.......Knew right away that she was having an affair. I asked her the next day point blank and she admitted. Your wife, if she does not yet, WILL figure this out sooner or later. BUT that is NOT the reason why you want to tell her....You want to tell her because that is the right thing to do.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 So right now........JUST IN CASE.......You are keeping your options open. Not cutting it off with the other woman (in case she leaves her husband) & not telling your wife (just in case the other woman decides to stay with her husband) WOW that all seems so fair! On your own terms? Keep telling yourself that & you might convince yourself. I left my husband "On my own terms" (because of other issues - not the affair) but sure as hell-in the back of my mind- was hoping the other man might be lurking in the distance to "Pick up the pieces" ..... But Lo & Behold - He was not. He was busy playing with his new victim. Another married woman. she is not making my decisions, if i leave it will not be because the ow leaves.this is not about keeping options open but about doing what i need to do to make myself happy. again i would not leave for the ow and i have told her many times never consider me in your process, i would never want her to leave based on a life with me and she knows that.she herself tells me to work on my marriage, i dont need options, if i leave and the ow stayed then so be it, i would enter the singles world, although i can see how you perceive it that is not what this is all about.
PhoenixRise Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 i think its would be my only way really, if i dont tell her then i am doing no better than i am now,i think anyone needs to know the whole truth, i wouldnt want to leave her guessing,that was cause the same self doubt and pain at lease by telling her she knows i am a piece of garbabge and can make her own decisions. i am not putting the weight on her, but to be honest right now i am trying to figure out if coming clean is my best option,i dont know when i enter the conversation if i will be fighting for it or ready to leave, although i think i should probably be clear on that otherwise the tears and the asking why and the begging will sway me and then i am right back were i started from I am glad that you are thinking about telling your wife the truth. She deserves to know. But you also need to make a decision. There is nothing about any of this that will ever get easier with time. Your first post on this forum stated that you have always known that your wife is not the right woman for you. This is something that has not changed over all the years you have been married it will NOT change if you stay married another 50 years. Bleeding from nearly every post you write is the fact that your wife is your 2nd choice. That you are not in love with her and that you never have been. That the ONLY reason you even made this last half hearted attempt to improve your marriage is because the OW ended things with YOU. That you do not want to be married to your wife. As a woman and a wife let me tell you something. You are not doing your wife any favors. You are wasting her time and her love. Unless she has some mental or emotional problems that you have not disclosed here she WILL get over you. She will hurt. She will cry. She will be angry. But she will get over you. AND maybe she will find a man who will make her wonder what she ever saw in you. If your wife dealt with the consequences of your gambling then she is most likely strong enough to deal with this too. Give her some credit.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 lol. DO NOT underestimate your wife !! 15 years ago may be it was difficult to figure this out. We have "grown" as human beings. We now understand human beings much better. Why do they it and how they do it. It is not a big mystery anymore. People in affairs follow remarkably similar patterns. It was rocket science 15 years ago but not anymore. My wife said she wanted to divorce me after I insisted on why she was being so aloof. She never confessed she was in an affair. 6 hours later, I was on google, marriagebuilders, LS.......Knew right away that she was having an affair. I asked her the next day point blank and she admitted. Your wife, if she does not yet, WILL figure this out sooner or later. BUT that is NOT the reason why you want to tell her....You want to tell her because that is the right thing to do. can i ask, did your wife leave you solely because of the OM?..is she with him today?, did you have kids? if my w asked me today i would tell her, do i think there is a possibility she thinks about it, yes but i dont think she really beleives it possible and i dont think she will figure it out to be honest. i think the only way she finds out would be coming from me, i could be wrong but i do beleive this to be true. right now we have been talking alot about it because my sister is going through a nasty divorce,interestingly enough because her H told her he was leaving but didnt tell her why,she later discovered the A and he has now admitted it and is leaving her for a life with the MOW.i think alot of this has also gotten to me, seeing that i am guilty of the exact same thing, in fact i make my xbil look like a saint..but in conversations i actually sometimes defend his actions to leave rather than live a lie and my w is kind of surprised, i think she beleives that everything can be fixed.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 I am glad that you are thinking about telling your wife the truth. She deserves to know. But you also need to make a decision. There is nothing about any of this that will ever get easier with time. Your first post on this forum stated that you have always known that your wife is not the right woman for you. This is something that has not changed over all the years you have been married it will NOT change if you stay married another 50 years. Bleeding from nearly every post you write is the fact that your wife is your 2nd choice. That you are not in love with her and that you never have been. That the ONLY reason you even made this last half hearted attempt to improve your marriage is because the OW ended things with YOU. That you do not want to be married to your wife. As a woman and a wife let me tell you something. You are not doing your wife any favors. You are wasting her time and her love. Unless she has some mental or emotional problems that you have not disclosed here she WILL get over you. She will hurt. She will cry. She will be angry. But she will get over you. AND maybe she will find a man who will make her wonder what she ever saw in you. If your wife dealt with the consequences of your gambling then she is most likely strong enough to deal with this too. Give her some credit. i know this will never get easier and i know the situation is impossible and no matter what i have caused destruction, she may never know about this if i dont tell her but the devasation and the damage has been done.. she has no emotional problems,she is very reliant on me and needs me and she just loves the family unit and feels that her children need a father in the home but yes i assume over time she will get over me, i am not naive enough to beleive that i am that great but i know it will be hard for her.
Owl Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 i know owl that i am wasting time but please understand this isisnt easy. I'm not your wife. I'm not the one who's going to have to forgive you for CONTINUING your behaviors. This "not being easy" should ALSO not be allowed to become your mantra and excuse for not doing what you need to do. You've been too easy on yourself for years...as I've said repeatedly...it's time to man up and do the RIGHT thing, no matter how hard it is.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 I'm not your wife. I'm not the one who's going to have to forgive you for CONTINUING your behaviors. This "not being easy" should ALSO not be allowed to become your mantra and excuse for not doing what you need to do. You've been too easy on yourself for years...as I've said repeatedly...it's time to man up and do the RIGHT thing, no matter how hard it is. i know that i have made this too easy, i have been great and tucking it all away and being a great actor, only recently has it caught up to me and i know its time to do the right thing, i just have to work up the courage.
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