Island Girl Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 If I were married I'd be that kind of wife. I know it works perfectly for my mother, she is just like that. Both Men and Women were different back then. My brother, husband, and I actually were just laughing and ripping this apart the other day. My brother had said it came from some "lesson" to teach women how to be good wives. I really can not believe you quoted it. It is such crap. "Make The Evening His"???? OMG. Puhlease!!! The whole bit about trying to understand his world of strain was when he was the breadwinner and the woman didn't work. That isn't the society we live in today. (And that IS a good thing BTW) He better be just as understanding when I have a bad day at work. And he can cook and clean just as well as I can so there is sharing in those "chores". If we have children then he can help keep them clean as well. And if they have things to tell him then they have things to tell him. (My husband would actually relish that!) Really. I can't wait until I can let my brother know this was posted as a "how to be a good wife" on June 11th 2009!!!! The comedy we are going to get out of this tomorrow is gold! I would thank you for that -- but you were SERIOUS. BTW -- instead of posting this whole thing and typing it all out -- you could have just said that you think being a Stepford Wife is cool and the way to be.
Ariadne Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 I pretty much did/do all of that, he just is a complainer, I can't do as much as I used to, and used to work in the corporate world as well Hi, That's pretty terrible. That you were a good wife to him for many years and then when you need his help he is not sticking up for you. I know many people claim disability for any reason, and then they want to be served. I can see this is not your case, and I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Good luck to you and hope you get better.
Ariadne Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Both Men and Women were different back then. Hey, Well, and I think this is the demise of this society. Women should be more in charge of the house and children, and working less. I've talked about this in other threads. Someone has to take care of the house and kids, you can't have them in institutions all day, it's not good for them, and the house a mess or women stressed trying to do everything.
Island Girl Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Someone has to take care of the house and kids, you can't have them in institutions all day, it's not good for them, and the house a mess or women stressed trying to do everything. There really is no reason that "someone" couldn't be the father as well. Usually the breakdown is due to having only one participating adult or parent in the household. And then, yeah of course, how does the housework, cooking, cleaning, and rearing of children all get done? Both parties who are parents of the children should participate in the rearing of the children if possible (of course here are cases where a parent is deceased or removed from the picture). And as far as a household running along smoothly - this can be accomplished with a division of the labor (ALL of it). The woman should not be a Stepford Wife with no real voice or acknowledgment of her needs. Nor should the man be catered to in the manor you suggest. Most people have evolved. And the norm now is that both the man and woman are valuable, have needs, can share in the duties of running a household, and assist one another with trying days, etc.
Ariadne Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 yeah of course, how does the housework, cooking, cleaning, and rearing of children all get done? Both parties who are parents of the children should participate Still, you have the problem of having both parents at work and commuting for 9 to 10 hours a day and the children abandoned to the system. Then, everyone is stressed.
Author justxme Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 Hey, Well, and I think this is the demise of this society. Women should be more in charge of the house and children, and working less. I've talked about this in other threads. Someone has to take care of the house and kids, you can't have them in institutions all day, it's not good for them, and the house a mess or women stressed trying to do everything. In a perfect world, most of us start off thinking that way, or similar, it would be nice to have that freedom knowing the bills are paid and you will still have a roof over your head, while working at home raising the perfect kids, It just doesn't always work out that way, so you do what you can to preserve your family and get the kids raised with or without the spouse backing you up. Disability is not easy to get, you may see people out and about acting normal or close to normal (heavy medications help), but you most likely will not see them for the rest of the week or for very long for months, the restrictions on work as well as disability are such as if you can only work one day a week you can have neither and it does not support you, I used to think the same thing when I saw a neighbor mow his law once a week, what I didn't''t notice is that was all he did, because when he was done he was in so much pain he was bedridden for days, but his lawn looked good and the neighbors would complain about him being on disability because he could mow his own lawn, I also thought that doctors and medicine would cure people, but I found out that isn't true either, just as I thought that my spouse would back me up like I backed him up, all those are just idealistic ideas in my "leave it to beaver" mind. I am now cured of that type of thinking.
Ariadne Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 it would be nice to have that freedom knowing the bills are paid and you will still have a roof over your head, while working at home raising the perfect kids...It just doesn't always work out that way Yes, it would be nice. And it works like that in other societies today, but not in America (or other modern societies) where people have to be working all the time. Well, take care and good luck to you.
Ariadne Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 On a side note... Even in South Am, my mother never worked, the house is spotless all the time, the garden thrives, and the meals she makes are fantastic. My father is a happy man. (And all her contemporaries are like that, housewives. And they have their interests on the side, teas, courses, etc) But even nowadays, my brother (who lives there) wouldn't even "consider" dating a girl who doesn't work and is not a professional. Working full time nowadays seems to be mandatory for women. The house and children, well, good luck with that.
HsMomma Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 I still believe in this: How to be the Perfect Wife. This was taken from Helen B. Andelin's Fascinating Womanhood, published by Pacific Press in 1965. The course was designed to teach women how to be happy in marriage. GET YOUR WORK DONE Plan your tasks with an eye on the clock. Finish or interrupt them an hour before he is expected. Your anguished cry, "Are you home already?" is not exactly a warm welcome. HAVE DINNER READY Plan ahead, even the night before to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed. PREPARE YOURSELF Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. This will also make you happy to see him instead of too tired to care. Turn off the worry and be glad to be alive and grateful for the man who is going to walk in. While you are resting you can be thinking about your Fascinating Womanhood assignment and all you can do to make him happy and give his spirits a lift. When you arise, take care of your appearance. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift. CLEAR AWAY THE CLUTTER Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. in a bucket or wastebasket and put them in the back bedroom for sorting later. Then run a dustcloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. Having the house in order is another way of letting him know that you care and have planned for this homecoming. PREPARE THE CHILDREN Take just a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small) comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them look the part. MINIMIZE ALL NOISE Especially give heed to this if your husband has to join rush hour traffic. At the time of his arrival eliminate noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet at the time of their father's arrival. Let them be a little noisy beforehand to get it out of their system. BE HAPPY TO SEE HIM Greet him with a warm smile and act glad to see him. Tell him that it is good to have him home. This may make his day worthwhile. If there is any romance left in you, he needs it now. SOME DON'TS Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Solve the problems you can before he gets home and save those you must discuss with him until later in the evening. Also, don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as a minor problem when compared with what he might have gone through that day.Don't allow the children to rush at him with problems or requests. Allow them to briefly greet their father but save demands for later.MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE Have him lean back into a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to massage his neck and shoulders and take off his shoes. Don't insist on this however. Turn on music if it is one of his pleasures. Speak in a soft, soothing, pleasant voice. Allow him to relax - to unwind. LISTEN TO HIM You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first, then he will be a more responsive listener later. MAKE THE EVENING HIS Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and to relax. If he is cross or irritable, never fight back. Again, try to understand his world of strain. THE GOAL Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Then add to this the application of all the principles of Fascinating Womanhood and your husband will want to come home. He will rather be with you than with anyone else in the world and will spend whatever time he can possibly spare with you. Try living all of these rules for his homecoming and see what happens. This is the way to bring a man home to your side, not by pressure, persuasion or moral obligation. From 1965??? Hey, Ariadne, we're in 2009 now. This is such a crock of crap, I'm actually shaking! I haven't read all the posts yet, as I couldn't get past this dribble. OP, I truly hope you're sitting there LAUGHING at this schlock and not buying into it. Ariadne, I'm really, really hoping you meant this as a joke.
Island Girl Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 I haven't read all the posts yet, as I couldn't get past this dribble. OP, I truly hope you're sitting there LAUGHING at this schlock and not buying into it. Ariadne, I'm really, really hoping you meant this as a joke. No joke girlfriend. I know. I know. I am soooooooo with you. But yeah. She's completely serious. :eek::eek: OP: There are MEN out here in the world that will give as well as take -- and who will not only cook and clean but draw your bubble bath for you and care for you ESPECIALLY when you are ill. I have found plenty of them. You deserve to be treated much better. Get your husband to shape up or ship him out and replace him.
sally4sara Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 It seems awfully convenient to idealize such a code of conduct within marriage when you don't have to live up to it.
GorillaTheater Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 "Don't greet him with problems and complaints" This is about the only point on Ariadne's list that resonated with me. My wife is a SAHM, and it did drive me a little crazy when she did this. Me being me, it took me way too long to communicate this, but once I did, she gives me a little time to decompress before hitting me up with the problem de jure.
carhill Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Hi OP and welcome.... A few questions... How long have you been married and what is your approximate age? How long have you been substantially disabled as you are today? Did I read correctly that you are a stepmother to four children and that you also purchased the marital home your H lives in? Are the children all adults now? Do you think your H will change? Has his personality and behavior been consistent throughout your M? If you were able to receive the personal help to feel safe and comfortable with your ADL's and circumstances at your new home, would you divorce your husband? Why or why not? Have you and/or H ever had psychological counseling?
Ariadne Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 From 1965??? Hey, Ariadne, we're in 2009 now. This is such a crock of crap, I'm actually shaking! I haven't read all the posts yet, as I couldn't get past this dribble. OP, I truly hope you're sitting there LAUGHING at this schlock and not buying into it. Ariadne, I'm really, really hoping you meant this as a joke. You can't deny that it's true though. When men come home, they don't want to start scrubbing bathrooms, cooking their own dinner, or bathing the children. Why? Because they are exhausted! That's why. They only get a few hours to unwind after a long day of work, and they just want to relax. Same as women, when they come home from work, they are just too tired and stressed. Everything is going to hell because of this system people have nowadays. Women should work much less and take care of the house and children more.
HsMomma Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 You can't deny that it's true though. When men come home, they don't want to start scrubbing bathrooms, cooking their own dinner, or bathing the children. Why? Because they are exhausted! That's why. They only get a few hours to unwind after a long day of work, and they just want to relax. Same as women, when they come home from work, they are just too tired and stressed. Everything is going to hell because of this system people have nowadays. Women should work much less and take care of the house and children more.[/QUOTE] Yes, with the economy being what it is today - that's certainly realistic! You're right in that noboby wants to come home & scrub tubs, etc. after working all day; however, for a husband to 'demand' that of his wife, one is disabled nonetheless, is just incredible (and I DON'T mean in a good way). Ariadne, sounds like you & the OP's husband would be a great match for one another if you really believe the crap you've espoused here.
HsMomma Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 There are MEN out here in the world that will give as well as take -- and who will not only cook and clean but draw your bubble bath for you and care for you ESPECIALLY when you are ill. I have found plenty of them. You deserve to be treated much better. Get your husband to shape up or ship him out and replace him. You're absolutely right, Island Girl. My husband cooks, cleans, does laundry & everything else that goes into keeping a home - we split the work. When one of us sees something that needs to be done, we do it. It's not broken down into "men's" or "women's" work - it's just OUR house & we both work to keep it up. OP, IG is exactly right - you deserve to be treated much better. I would say I'd have to lay down the law & be VERY clear that his treatment of you is unacceptable & either it changes or you move on.
Ariadne Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 for a husband to 'demand' that of his wife, one is disabled nonetheless, is just incredible No, I believe he should help her instead. She was a good wife to him for many years and even worked to pay for many of the things they own. That's what a good partner would do. I didn't understand her situation at first from her OP.
Ariadne Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 with the economy being what it is today - that's certainly realistic! You're right in that noboby wants to come home & scrub tubs, etc. after working all day And that is the problem that I see.. People are buying into that, and get the sense that that is the only way about it. Everyone is stressed, especially children. I'm not buying it. If people spent less money and worked it out, it could be done so that nobody had to be pushed to the limit.
HsMomma Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Everyone is stressed, especially children. I'm not buying it. If people spent less money and worked it out, it could be done so that nobody had to be pushed to the limit.[/QUOTE] It's not always that clear cut, black & white, Ariadne. Again, if you look at the economy, where the cost of everything has gone up & salaries aren't increasing to match it, it's easy to say "spend less" but not always practical to do so. I think it's more important that everyone in the household (including the children) do their part to keep the home up. It doesn't have to be a stress-filled activity...when my daughter was young, we made games out of cleaning things up. I just think it's a very antiquated idea that it's the "woman's place" to do the child-rearing, housekeeping, cooking, etc. There are a lot of wonderful men out there who are great husbands and dads & who don't expect that their wives be June Cleaver. I also think that, by helping out with both the home & the childrearing, men add very valuable lessons to their kids' lives - what it means to be part of a team. AND, I think it makes kids more responsible when they're grown. JMHO, though.
carhill Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 IMO, it's people's lifestyles which drive their economics, not their 'needs'. The blurring of wants and needs is an epidemic in our society. It's people's choices which are creating this chaos of duty assignment and division of labor resentment. In the OP, the H is whacked. He wants it both ways. He needs to go
blind_otter Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 OP - this is just my opinion, but I think the issues are getting confused here... There is no such thing as an objective list of "wifely duties". This is something that is worked out between the two partied involved in the relationship - and it is never something that you should feel resentful about. Everyone has different ideas of what their role in a relationship entails and AFAIK, if they are happy, then whatever anyone else thinks means absolutely nothing. You need to have a clear idea of what you are capable of contributing, and what you want from a relationship. If your partner doesn't match up, communicate this to him. If he is uninterested in meething your needs, move on. If he is willing to but doesn't know how, get a good therapist and go together.
PhoenixRise Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 I still believe in this: How to be the Perfect Wife. This was taken from Helen B. Andelin's Fascinating Womanhood, published by Pacific Press in 1965. The course was designed to teach women how to be happy in marriage. GET YOUR WORK DONE Plan your tasks with an eye on the clock. Finish or interrupt them an hour before he is expected. Your anguished cry, "Are you home already?" is not exactly a warm welcome. HAVE DINNER READY Plan ahead, even the night before to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed. PREPARE YOURSELF Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. This will also make you happy to see him instead of too tired to care. Turn off the worry and be glad to be alive and grateful for the man who is going to walk in. While you are resting you can be thinking about your Fascinating Womanhood assignment and all you can do to make him happy and give his spirits a lift. When you arise, take care of your appearance. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift. CLEAR AWAY THE CLUTTER Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. in a bucket or wastebasket and put them in the back bedroom for sorting later. Then run a dustcloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. Having the house in order is another way of letting him know that you care and have planned for this homecoming. PREPARE THE CHILDREN Take just a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small) comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them look the part. MINIMIZE ALL NOISE Especially give heed to this if your husband has to join rush hour traffic. At the time of his arrival eliminate noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet at the time of their father's arrival. Let them be a little noisy beforehand to get it out of their system. BE HAPPY TO SEE HIM Greet him with a warm smile and act glad to see him. Tell him that it is good to have him home. This may make his day worthwhile. If there is any romance left in you, he needs it now. SOME DON'TS Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Solve the problems you can before he gets home and save those you must discuss with him until later in the evening. Also, don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as a minor problem when compared with what he might have gone through that day.Don't allow the children to rush at him with problems or requests. Allow them to briefly greet their father but save demands for later.MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE Have him lean back into a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to massage his neck and shoulders and take off his shoes. Don't insist on this however. Turn on music if it is one of his pleasures. Speak in a soft, soothing, pleasant voice. Allow him to relax - to unwind. LISTEN TO HIM You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first, then he will be a more responsive listener later. MAKE THE EVENING HIS Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and to relax. If he is cross or irritable, never fight back. Again, try to understand his world of strain. THE GOAL Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Then add to this the application of all the principles of Fascinating Womanhood and your husband will want to come home. He will rather be with you than with anyone else in the world and will spend whatever time he can possibly spare with you. Try living all of these rules for his homecoming and see what happens. This is the way to bring a man home to your side, not by pressure, persuasion or moral obligation. You know...this is really sad. The OP is describing a husband behaving like a p**** when she is disabled and can't do the things she normally did and in response she gets a post telling her that she wasn't a good enough wife. AND "helpful" hints from Leave It To Beaver land on how to be a better wife. No where in this list do I see anything that tells her how to get HER needs met. I guess the author of these hint thought a woman could be fulfilled simply by serving her H......Be perfect, look perfect, make sure the kids look perfect, make sure the house looks perfect, understand his stress, and never complain... and MAYBE if you are a good enough wife...you get your needs met. It is all very sad.
HsMomma Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 No where in this list do I see anything that tells her how to get HER needs met. I guess the author of these hint thought a woman could be fulfilled simply by serving her H......Be perfect, look perfect, make sure the kids look perfect, make sure the house looks perfect, understand his stress, and never complain... and MAYBE if you are a good enough wife...you get your needs met. It is all very sad. And maddening! She (the OP) asked about wifely duties in regard to his browbeating & this list is posted? I agree that it is up to each couple/family to decide who does what, but when circumstances change (i.e. OP becoming disabled), compromises have to be made and "duties" reassigned. I'll just say this...if my husband demanded the things the OP's does...they'd have problems finding the body!
Queen of Hearts Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 wow. i was going to start a tirade, but honestly it's probably not worth it if you think women are to be used in this way. join us in the 21st century, my dear. we got the vote a while ago. That's Solid.
Queen of Hearts Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 I still believe in this: How to be the Perfect Wife. This was taken from Helen B. Andelin's Fascinating Womanhood, published by Pacific Press in 1965. The course was designed to teach women how to be happy in marriage. GET YOUR WORK DONE Plan your tasks with an eye on the clock. Finish or interrupt them an hour before he is expected. Your anguished cry, "Are you home already?" is not exactly a warm welcome. HAVE DINNER READY Plan ahead, even the night before to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed. PREPARE YOURSELF Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. This will also make you happy to see him instead of too tired to care. Turn off the worry and be glad to be alive and grateful for the man who is going to walk in. While you are resting you can be thinking about your Fascinating Womanhood assignment and all you can do to make him happy and give his spirits a lift. When you arise, take care of your appearance. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift. CLEAR AWAY THE CLUTTER Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. in a bucket or wastebasket and put them in the back bedroom for sorting later. Then run a dustcloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. Having the house in order is another way of letting him know that you care and have planned for this homecoming. PREPARE THE CHILDREN Take just a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small) comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them look the part. MINIMIZE ALL NOISE Especially give heed to this if your husband has to join rush hour traffic. At the time of his arrival eliminate noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet at the time of their father's arrival. Let them be a little noisy beforehand to get it out of their system. BE HAPPY TO SEE HIM Greet him with a warm smile and act glad to see him. Tell him that it is good to have him home. This may make his day worthwhile. If there is any romance left in you, he needs it now. SOME DON'TS Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Solve the problems you can before he gets home and save those you must discuss with him until later in the evening. Also, don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as a minor problem when compared with what he might have gone through that day.Don't allow the children to rush at him with problems or requests. Allow them to briefly greet their father but save demands for later.MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE Have him lean back into a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to massage his neck and shoulders and take off his shoes. Don't insist on this however. Turn on music if it is one of his pleasures. Speak in a soft, soothing, pleasant voice. Allow him to relax - to unwind. LISTEN TO HIM You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first, then he will be a more responsive listener later. MAKE THE EVENING HIS Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and to relax. If he is cross or irritable, never fight back. Again, try to understand his world of strain. THE GOAL Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Then add to this the application of all the principles of Fascinating Womanhood and your husband will want to come home. He will rather be with you than with anyone else in the world and will spend whatever time he can possibly spare with you. Try living all of these rules for his homecoming and see what happens. This is the way to bring a man home to your side, not by pressure, persuasion or moral obligation. Is there the man's list? I cannot believe you really feel that this is the sole duty of a woman. So, should I then STOP working as controller of a company making twice what he makes, so I can come home and clean? What about health insurance and retirement? I should put all that by the wayside because I have the ovaries? I don't know if I should laugh or feel sorry for you.
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