Apart and shaken

[SummerLady]

How? It's easy! Do you even remember how you were before your wife? Reclaim yourself.

 

Remember that guy that was able to talk to women and men. Remember that guy that was NOT completely reliant on a wife to feel complete and whole. That guy that felt okay with being alone. That guy that actually relished the benefits of being single.

 

Why question why? Why pity yourself?

 

It's natural of course, I did it. But at some point, you have to say, screw her decisions. I will live life to the fullest without her. I will not let my wife control my life with her reckless behavior.

 

You want my advice, do not look for love or another woman to replace her. Look for companionship, from women and men. Look to friends, family and loved ones to build back your broken self esteem. Grow from this. Learn all you can about your part in the end. Go out and experience new things in life, you were incapable of enjoying during your marriage.

 

It's simple. Just make the choice to do something with these lemons. Make some damn lemonade.

 

Life is 90% perspective, 10% what happens to you. Stay positive.

 

Trust has the best point of all. Remember yourself before the relationship? You are in there somewhere. This is such an easy concept but so hard to grasp after a break up. Eventhough our situations are different, I totally reclaimed myself back after the divorce. It was great but hard to get there. I was Like HI, where have you been for the past 8 years. Its amazing, like a rebirth. I know this is all very hard on you but at some point you must embrace the change. Take good care of yourself and welcome back the YOU pre the marriage. You were fine before and you will be fine after.

[lupa]

Date update: ...I'm not being shallow, but she was a good 25 pounds heavier than her pic. lol. I guess that happens. I have less hair than the pic I sent to her. We met through mutual acquaintances, and then exchanged pics, etc.

 

We had a great time, and I will most certainly talk to her again. ****, I'll go out with her again, but right now I can admit that i'm not really all that physically attracted to her. I don't want to sound shallow, I want to be honest.

 

I didn't send her any signals...and we talked a lot about her divorce and my current separation. I feel like I was very forthcoming with my situation, that I was looking to get back out in the world...not that I was looking for long term anything.

 

On the way out the door, she kept putting her hand around my waist as I walked her to her car. I didn't push it away, and I definitely gave a quick squeeze, but I didn't let it linger because I don't want to send any signals. I did give her a nice hug as we parted ways, and I was 100% serious when I told her I had a good time.

 

I just kept thinking that I wished it was my wife sitting across from me at the table, but I guess as time passes that will fade.

 

I don't regret going out, and for a while it did make me feel better...right now, hell, I feel better. I'm not distraught. Now I'm just confused.

 

Real life sucks...why can't this be like the movies?

 

Anyway, you people are great...thanks again.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Wow sounds awesome.

 

Sounds like your on the right path, life too short to be waiting on some cheating woman, but irreguardless your still married, You need to file or something.

 

That right there within itself is a wrong signal.

[Gunny376]

If your going to go this dating route ~ 'dating lite' then I would recommend that you date several different women at the same time.

 

Your just out for the championship? Right? To get out in to the world and meet new and different people.

 

I would take this time to learn and to hone your skills.

 

I would recommend that you consider reading Carlos Xuma e-book's "The Dating Blackbook" and "Secrets of the Alpha-Male" another e-book you might want to consider is "The Art of Apr roaching" and "Double Your Dating"

 

Hardbound books?

 

"Guerrilla Dating" and "The Game"

 

Learn some magic tricks, a little about astrology, some about tarot card reading, palm reading. Read the books and you will understand why?

 

I've got this one ring, looks like a regular old stainless steel ring? But its really a strong magnet, that will make watches stop, make beer caps come up off the floor.

 

I''ve a card trick where I take a deck of cards and shuffle them how ever many times, and then give them to them to her and direct her to cut them in to four desperate decks, and then tell her, "Take half that deck and put it on here, take half that deck and put it here,................on and on.

 

Then I have her flip the cards up and they top cards of each deck come up aces! I learned that one from a Navy Fighter Pilot, and women love it! I get an OMG! Every time. (When you get enough posts and can receive PM's? I'll tell you how its done! )

 

You can Google 'street magic" and find all kinds of neat stuff. Kids love it as well! I also use it to 'hustle' drinks from friends at bars?

 

Now is the time to take a serious look at your financial life? Where do you want to be? Do you have a one-year emergency fund to pay your bills? Ideally, you should have a minimum of one years equivalent income put back for a rainy day. If you don't a minimum of 10% of your net income should be going toward building that fund. Pay yourself first!

 

80% of all Americans are one paycheck away from having a refrigerator crisis? That is they miss one paycheck? There's no food in the house.

 

I would highly recommend you read Mary Hunt's "DebtProof Living" and Dave Ramsey's "Complete Money Makeover" I've read both, but I like Mary method better.

 

She was just a regular, ordinary Mom. Didn't major in finance in college, didn't work for Wall Street, didn't have an MBA, but found herself in credit card debt to the tune of $100,000 + a mortgage + two car (f)leases!

 

She paid it all back without filing bankruptcy!

 

Now is the time to reinvent yourself and to become the person that you were meant to be and to live the life you were meant to live!

 

Your 'quilting' yourself is nothing more than your feeling bad about going against your "Code of Honor"

 

She forced you to this!

 

When you go to the 'well' and find the well is dry?

 

What do you do?

 

Find another well is what!

 

But go slow ~ walking through a mine field slow!

 

Your own psych will trip you up if your not careful!

 

Add this to your 'self-talk'

 

"Go Slow, really slow! If its too good to be true? Its not!

[lupa]

Man I woke up badly today (see other thread about mornings being the hardest). I feel all kinds of emotions, and it is like when I don't sleep I can't keep it together.

 

I wish I would have liked this date a little more (physically, I mean) so that I could distract myself -- I don't mean through having sex, I mean through fantasizing a little, thinking about her a little... If anything this whole deal backfired and made me want my wife that much more.

 

I'm an idiot, but at least I can admit it. lol. sort of.

[TrustInYourself]

Man I woke up badly today (see other thread about mornings being the hardest). I feel all kinds of emotions, and it is like when I don't sleep I can't keep it together.

 

I wish I would have liked this date a little more (physically, I mean) so that I could distract myself -- I don't mean through having sex, I mean through fantasizing a little, thinking about her a little... If anything this whole deal backfired and made me want my wife that much more.

 

I'm an idiot, but at least I can admit it. lol. sort of.

 

It's natural. Stop settling for fat chicks. Do you have balls? Get some and start hunting. That was just practice anyways. You should be churning through people like butter. Grinding those social skills to perfection. Communication is your weak point. You are complacent and full of self pity. Grow a pair.

[WineCountry]

Folks, I'm definitely all over the map here. We had a blowout about last night, and I know I acted immaturely...justified, but immature. So I called today and said, "Look, I'm hurt and confused, and I have a date tomorrow...I wouldn't call it a "dating" date, but it is someone I met online and have emailed and spoken with over the phone. I don't know what I want to accomplish here. This girl seems nice, definitely witty and quirky, and her pic looks cute enough, but I don't know what I'm actually doing. I don't plan on cheating, but my actions feel justified, and for a few hours the other day and yesterday, I didn't think every waking minute about my marriage that is falling apart, because I had a distraction.

 

 

In my opinion, you should hold off on dating. As a woman, the LAST thing I need is to come in contact with a man who is "all over the place"

emotionally. To me, it's just not fair to whoever you are dating unless she is in the EXACT same situation as you, with the EXACT same hangups. But, right now you are NOT emotionally healthy. You are looking to date just to take your mind off your wife. I dont know...that just feels kinda crappy.

 

To me, I would not want to run into a man like that. At this point, you have NOTHING to offer a woman. You just cant, UNTIL you deal with this thing with your wife. Sure, you may tell a woman the truth about what you are going through, but then why even bother dating?? You are an emotional wreck. What is this other woman supposed to get out of dating someone in your position?

 

If you are looking for something to take your mind off of things, hang out with your MALE friends, family, or STRICTLY platonic woman friends that ALREADY know you. Find a hobby, join a group. Always wanted to take painting lessons..spanish lessons..woodworking, etc? Now is the time.

 

I just dont feel you should be dating and bringing new woman into this pit you are in right now. I just feel you should find other things to take your mind off of your wife besides dating. Unless until more time has gone by, and things have been set in motion ( lawyers gotten, divorce proceedings already began and in progress, etc).

 

I just know that as a woman the last thing i would need is someone who is dealing with what you are. Most people have their own issues and crosses to bear, and dont need to deal with folks who are just looking at them as a way to take their mind off of someone else. Even if it is only casual dating.

 

Not trying to be an ass, just sayin'.

[lupa]

I know you're right, but our platonic friends are all "mutual."

 

Look, I know I'm confused, and I know I'm probably making all the wrong choices...but screw it, I need to feel good, even for the short term. I need to get some good feelings in my head, I'm a wreck.

 

My wife and I had a nice conversation on the phone today, and then I played in a charity golf event...I played great, and we won. When we were done, I had such an empty feeling inside. It was like I was playing for "us" when I was out there. I just don't understand how a person can give up on a marriage. How does that happen? Marriage is about not giving up!

 

God...

 

I am going to email the woman I went out with last night and thank her for a lovely time. I'm going to explain just what I've written here, that I'm a mess and this isn't the right time. If she wants to stay friends or help out, that would be great. If she doesn't, I'd understand.

 

I ran into a girl I've known for a while...one of our mutual friends who I would describe as completely platonic. I didn't want to involve her, but we talked, and she was very understanding and offered to support me in whatever I need. She stood there and said, "you don't give up! How is she doing that?" It was nice to hear that, I guess.

 

Maybe I'll just start close to home, and work my way back from there.

 

Also, and again I don't want to sound shallow, but I think if I were attracted more to that other girl last night, I wouldn't be in this place. I would be in a different conflicted place, but one not so dark.

 

I just want to look at a hottie who takes care of her body...

 

 

I do suck at not contacting the soon to be ex. Although, I do have to admit that when I stay positive and strong, the conversations go well. She doesn't yell, get mad, get defensive, or anything. We just talk. I'm still confused when it is done, though.

 

In all of this I just want to sleep through the night, not dream about it, not wake up thinking about it.

 

As I said before, whenever I'm a wreck, I'm coming here to vent. Maybe this is a form of masturbation or something. It is definitely cathartic.

 

I feel better for typing...not so alone.

[Gunny376]

The person your looking for? Is yourself! Find 'them' and you won't need your ex!

 

Until you find yourself? You've no chance with anyone else.

[tojaz]

"In all of this I just want to sleep through the night, not dream about it, not wake up thinking about it. "

 

A friend of mine gave me this advice a while back. He said

 

A> put a time limit on it. Let yourself obsess for thirty minutes then shut it down, TAKE CONTROL!!!

 

B> when it's time to sleep, and the thoughts keep seeping in. Give yourself permission to sleep out loud. TAKE CONTROL!!!

 

It don't always work for me, but it has worked, and it works more then I ever thought it would. Today was a bad day for me, and it hurt bad, but I gave myself my half hour pity party and now I'm here. Just remember, she isn't there keeping you awake, thats in you. You van control it or let it control you. I've done both, I prefer control.

TOJAZ

[lupa]

"In all of this I just want to sleep through the night, not dream about it, not wake up thinking about it. "

 

A friend of mine gave me this advice a while back. He said

 

A> put a time limit on it. Let yourself obsess for thirty minutes then shut it down, TAKE CONTROL!!!

 

B> when it's time to sleep, and the thoughts keep seeping in. Give yourself permission to sleep out loud. TAKE CONTROL!!!

 

It don't always work for me, but it has worked, and it works more then I ever thought it would. Today was a bad day for me, and it hurt bad, but I gave myself my half hour pity party and now I'm here. Just remember, she isn't there keeping you awake, thats in you. You van control it or let it control you. I've done both, I prefer control.

TOJAZ

I just went into the living room to play the piano (I play the piano), and I started playing "Solace" by Scott Joplin. I've always thought it was a beautifully sad song, and I've always played it well, like I could find the bittersweet in it. Well, I barely got through the first section and I burst into tears. I could feel it welling up inside of me all afternoon, and I just friggin burst into tears.

 

I just read somewhere that 21 days of no contact is what is needed to end the addiction. Holy cow how is that possible? I don't think I've made 21 hours yet.

 

This post just shows how non-sequitur my brain is right now.

 

After crying on the floor for what felt like an eternity, but really only lasted about 3 minutes, I came back into the office and wrote an email to the woman I went out with last night:

 

[woman's name] -- I wanted to thank you for a fun time last night. The beer was great, the conversation fun, the time out was...well...it was just plain nice to do.

 

As you could tell, I'm all over the map emotionally about what is going on. Most of the time I'm confused, and I just feel like I'm lost in a bad, bad dream. I most certainly want to be friends and keep in touch -- I think there is a lot you can show me, you understand some (if not most or all) of this. I just don't want to tangle a good person in a bad web, if you know what I mean.

 

Does that make sense?

 

Let's keep talking, k? Let's plan on hanging out again, too. I could tell from the start you are a great person, someone i want to be friends with.

 

I hope all of this isn't too...I dunno...dramatic or something.

 

But I just want to say again, I really did have a great time last night (and the fact that you know leper jokes is friggin sweet).

 

 

Talk to you soon,

[my name]

 

I hope she understands my honesty here. She is really nice, and I do want to stay friends, but I also am just a frigging slow motion train wreck right now.

 

21 days is going to be a long time.

 

How do you folks fight the urge?

[Gunny376]

Its just the "Storms of Life" raining over you!

 

Its seasonal ~ and will pass but you will never be the same!

[lupa]

Its just the "Storms of Life" raining over you!

 

Its seasonal ~ and will pass but you will never be the same!

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I will never be the same after this, no doubt.

 

EDIT: Instead of double posting

 

The woman I went out with last night just wrote back, thanking ME for the good time. She said she will most certainly help me through all of this...she has been down this road, and she knows what lies ahead. She is saying that my wife has already made the choice for me.

 

I keep hoping everything will be ok.

 

Also -- mom just helped me clean out the garage. She seems to think it is over, too. It was nice to have the garage cleaned, no doubt about it. I'd have to say I did 20%, she did the rest...I think it makes her feel better, too. She is hurting for me...sometimes you forget who the real people are in your life.

 

I have to find a way to thank my family. Any ideas here?

[sinatra]

Staying as positive as possible is a great gift to give your friends and family at a time like this. It's the hardest thing to do, but when your standing tall during all this it will make them proud. You'll stumble, I do it daily.

 

You will be as strong as you want to be.

[TrustInYourself]

I just went into the living room to play the piano (I play the piano), and I started playing "Solace" by Scott Joplin. I've always thought it was a beautifully sad song, and I've always played it well, like I could find the bittersweet in it. Well, I barely got through the first section and I burst into tears. I could feel it welling up inside of me all afternoon, and I just friggin burst into tears.

 

I just read somewhere that 21 days of no contact is what is needed to end the addiction. Holy cow how is that possible? I don't think I've made 21 hours yet.

 

This post just shows how non-sequitur my brain is right now.

 

After crying on the floor for what felt like an eternity, but really only lasted about 3 minutes, I came back into the office and wrote an email to the woman I went out with last night:

 

 

 

I hope she understands my honesty here. She is really nice, and I do want to stay friends, but I also am just a frigging slow motion train wreck right now.

 

21 days is going to be a long time.

 

How do you folks fight the urge?

 

Its not easy. Stay busy? Friends help and family will listen for quite a bit. Post here often to vent. Stay busy at work. Do outrageous activities that you would never have dreamed of before all this ****. Work out, run, jog, sports, etc. Get in shape. It focuses the body, mind, soul.

[TrustInYourself]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I will never be the same after this, no doubt.

 

EDIT: Instead of double posting

 

The woman I went out with last night just wrote back, thanking ME for the good time. She said she will most certainly help me through all of this...she has been down this road, and she knows what lies ahead. She is saying that my wife has already made the choice for me.

 

I keep hoping everything will be ok.

 

Also -- mom just helped me clean out the garage. She seems to think it is over, too. It was nice to have the garage cleaned, no doubt about it. I'd have to say I did 20%, she did the rest...I think it makes her feel better, too. She is hurting for me...sometimes you forget who the real people are in your life.

 

I have to find a way to thank my family. Any ideas here?

The best thing you can do for your family is to reclaim yourself. Find yourself and be happy again and look to the future with hope, rather than despair. Then again, flowers and beer works wonders.

[lupa]

I decided last night to commit to no contact. Unless she initiates it, I am not going to call, text, email, or drive to where I freaking know she is going to be.

 

No contact. As a matter of fact, I think I'm going to start a "No Contact" thread here, and every time people feel the urge to contact their other, they go in there instead and post something. Anything. A joke, what they're feeling, the weather outside. Anything.

[seibert253]

NC= great idea. I would go one further and don't answer her calls, don't return them. She needs to feel the consequences of her actions.

BTW: Living well is the best revenge. Take all the time in the world, because now it's all about YOU.

[lupa]

Ok, so I was successful for what, 5 hours? lol, this one was for real, though. There is a lot of money not in my bank account that was there two days ago when I last checked. She said it was for a bunch of bills paid she wrote out last week, and it is all in the checkbook.

 

I said, "oh, ok. well, that's what I was calling about. Thank you, talk to you later." and got off the phone.

 

It wasn't the conversation I wanted to have, and right now I want to call her back, but I was making plans to take a trip in about three weeks to see some friends, and I was booking tix today.

 

No relationship contact is probably a more apt description.

[lupa]

Thread bump! (actually this is a real update...)

 

So, today was a terrible day. I missed her terribly, wanted to talk all day. We had a few conversations, mainly about cash, and then I said we should schedule a conversation to talk about big things. She said, "I have plans tonight, so maybe tomorrow." Now, until two weeks ago, any discussion about plans would have massive amounts of extraneous information, mainly, who, what, where, and when. So I responded, "Ok, I'll bite, what are your plans."

 

She told me her plans, and distinctly said that only certain people were going to be involved. I even asked, "nobody else going to be down there?" meaning from our normal group that would go to this place on Tuesday nights.

 

So, I went out to dinner with my buddies, and the one figured out that the object of a lot of our frequent arguments was going to be meeting up with the 'group' tonight, which my wife conveniently left out.

 

My one friend started to laugh and said, "she's playing the game now." I had no idea what he meant...he told me that this is the "player" game.

 

So, he told me what to text her, and predicted she would write back. So I did, and lo and behold, she wrote back instantly.

 

He told me to not respond, she'd write back at least two more times.

 

No freaking kidding, she was almost on the exact minute that he said she'd respond.

 

He got me to promise that I wouldn't write back tonight, and that I could go to bed with some of the "hand" back in the relationship.

 

 

...I'm back in high school. There might be something to be said for the concept of an early "mid-life" crisis. She behaved exactly as this guy predicted, and he admitted it was his old high school game that he used to play.

 

Unfreakingbelievable.

 

I've been supportive, patient, and caring for 8 weeks. I've been torn in two, I've felt like I could fix it.

 

Now I'm not real sure. For the first time, I feel like I understand the situation, whereas I had no idea what was going on recently. This doesn't fix anything, this doesn't make it better, but it eliminates a lot of the confusion I had, and I think it will let me go to bed.

 

Finally.

 

I think I'll be able to sleep.

 

Now I might be ready to initiate the 180, and while no contact isn't going to be feasible, I'm pretty sure I can start restricting it greatly.

 

Wow...this is amazing. Just...well...

 

Heh, I'm going to sleep.

[seibert253]

Wow Lupa. You took sh*ty situation and turned it into a fun game. Too Fu$kin' kool Sometimes it's just the easiest and most obvious.

[Chrome Barracuda]

That what stupid azz spouses do to others, they revert back to high school phase.

 

Listen L if you dont have time to deal with it, then dont. Once that fog clears out and she looks at you, you'll damn sure have a new woman in your life and dont want to deal with her madness.

 

We've all been there. You need to detach, and settle your business matters so there wont be nothing to talk about. hopefully you dont have any kids.

 

Make it a clean split and move on with your life!

[lupa]

We had to talk about bills today...I had to explain why her account was going to end up with only $100 in it over the next few days.

 

Then the fireworks started. She said I ruined her night by not texting back...but she wouldn't address the real issue at hand. To make a long story short, I told her I want it to work out, but not like this. I'm done with this.

 

She said I am not "going to have this power over her." I don't even know what she's fighting about half the time, so I guess that is how I exercise this power. When we hung up, she was crying...but when we started she was just pissed the whole time. I don't really think she is in touch with her emotions at all, and I'm not too sure she knows what is going on.

 

To make the long story short -- I have a call into a lawyer, and we're going to start laying the groundwork. I want options for divorce that protect me the best we can, or in the case of reconciliation, that don't hurt things too badly.

 

In the meantime, I'm going to cut off completely except by email in the event of something we need to do. No texts, no calls.

 

-lupa

[tojaz]

 

Then the fireworks started. She said I ruined her night by not texting back...but she wouldn't address the real issue at hand. To make a long story short, I told her I want it to work out, but not like this. I'm done with this.

 

She said I am not "going to have this power over her." I don't even know what she's fighting about half the time, so I guess that is how I exercise this power. When we hung up, she was crying...but when we started she was just pissed the whole time. I don't really think she is in touch with her emotions at all, and I'm not too sure she knows what is going on.

 

 

-lupa

 

Get used to this, it's gonna get worse. If this goes the way mine is going, your gonna need a very thick skin! I felt the same way about my wife, that she wasn't in touch with her emotions and didn't know what all was going on. Heres some advice where I failed. Don't try to explain it to her. If you decide to take her call, just listen to her tone as your talking. If she is angry, flustered, whatever, let it go and end the conversation nicely but quickly. Dont push. Even if you think it's going well, keep it short, things can change in an instant. If you get one point accross consider it a victory and call it a day.

Stay strong Lupa, your on the right track TOJAZ

[lupa]

Get used to this, it's gonna get worse. If this goes the way mine is going, your gonna need a very thick skin! I felt the same way about my wife, that she wasn't in touch with her emotions and didn't know what all was going on. Heres some advice where I failed. Don't try to explain it to her. If you decide to take her call, just listen to her tone as your talking. If she is angry, flustered, whatever, let it go and end the conversation nicely but quickly. Dont push. Even if you think it's going well, keep it short, things can change in an instant. If you get one point accross consider it a victory and call it a day.

Stay strong Lupa, your on the right track TOJAZ

Well, once all is said and done, if I gain anything from this, it will be that I learn how to listen early on, before the volume gets turned way up and the reason I notice is because it is in my face. I am not saying I'm responsible for her mixed-up emotions, but I am saying that I'm responsible for not identifying the problem sooner and listening.

 

I just wish she'd agree for a second chance at all this, because people ought to be given the opportunity to grow. I kinda feel that if I could understand her more...she could understand me more, too.

 

Goddamnit this sucks and I'm all everywhere all the time.