Bit of a FAUX PAS

[2sure]

Yes, my H is a negotiator and is very good dealing w/ people. What he meant with the "Man to Man" to stuff I dont know and I have no need to question. H is in the public eye and as such deals with all kinds of crap, people assume he will avoid conflict but I know he doesnt. He solves it.

 

I can guess the father might be thinking my H could have his job. And he could, but would never do that. He'd break every bone in his body first. Public eye or not. I mean, this is my kid. Doesnt matter, it wont come to that. I feel a lot better.

 

On the way home we had this convo:

 

H: You have to do something about "little miss 2sure's" mouth.

Me: Yes, I dont know where she gets it from.

H: When we get home, maybe I should beat both of you with my Shoe.

Me: Me? Whadid I do??

H: You know that rule we have about 2 Martinis? New Rule: NO STREET FIGHTING.

 

LOL. I love him you know.

[JeezLouise]

I would have done the same thing that you did. And did chase a 25 year old man and his friends down a gravel road one night at 2 am, while I was in a nightgown and barefeet, because he tried to come into a beach house bedroom through a sliding glass door, while I was chaperoning a bunch of junior high kids. Grabbed him by the shirt and told him he should be ashamed of being caught by a woman older than he was and that he was a p*ssy of the first degree. Anyway.

 

But I have to disagree with Boldjack - I think I wouldn't be giving your H anything extra in the boudoir. He seems to have a habit of cutting his eyes at you and telling you to sit down and hush like a little lady or of accepting advances from odd women rather than make it clear that you are his wife - and he should be on HIS knees to YOU in the bedroom.

[2sure]

But I have to disagree with Boldjack - I think I wouldn't be giving your H anything extra in the boudoir. He seems to have a habit of cutting his eyes at you and telling you to sit down and hush like a little lady or of accepting advances from odd women rather than make it clear that you are his wife - and he should be on HIS knees to YOU in the bedroom.

 

Oh yeah, I know. He is a handful. AND believe me I have my own issues.

So far, we have been able to deal with each others issues, its a struggle sometimes. But not more than we can handle I have come to believe. Weve been married 4 years.

 

And oh yeah - the "look". lol. I have to be honest, I dont care about that stuff. I used to, but its just sign language. If I have something that I really want to say - a locomotive couldn't stop me. Besides, Ive got a "look" of my own. And regarding his being on knees....lol. We like to switch it up!

[Trialbyfire]

Father's can be kick-arse when it comes to protecting their daughters. I recall my Dad, when he found out of the ex cheating on me. He wanted to kill him or at minimum, take him apart with his bare hands. This is my Dad, who never laid one hand on any of us, well, except for hauling my brother in by the collar one day for having a smart mouth but overall, never spanked or struck any of us, regardless of how we enraged him.

 

Instead, Dad figured a way to take him down without using physical violence and he did it, but only to the degree I would allow it. If I'd let him, he would have sunk him 6' under, in the way that would have hurt him the most. To this day, Dad hasn't forgiven my ex. One Christmas after D-day, my ex showed up with a present for me, since he knew that trying to give it to me directly, I wouldn't accept it. My Dad suggested he return it and turned him away. Short and sweet.

 

That's my Dad. Don't eff with his loved ones because he's relentless.

[JeezLouise]

Your life, your marriage.

 

But unless I have a drinking problem, no man is going to remind me of the "Two martini rule".

[Stung]

for what it's worth, 2sure, if it were my son, i'd be grateful to you for catching him in the moment, humiliating him in the street and hopefully putting some serious fear into his heart...and for making him think twice about his apparent belief in females as the 'weaker sex!' i probably wouldn't want him to actually go to jail or prison, because he would still be my baby boy and i would want to try to redirect the paths his aggression was taking and get him a metric ton of counseling and behavior modification. but i'd be SO glad you didn't let it slide or just give him a warning or call his family later or whatever more 'dignified' action others might have preferred. sometimes that kind of decisive action is all that gets through a teenager's thick skull. and it's good for your daughter to see women being strong and not taking the crap that kid was trying to dish out.

 

i'm glad the situation has been peacably resolved in a way that seems satisfactory to your family.

[2sure]

Something good happened. The kid's mom, who had NOT come to the meeting called me. She was great.

 

She apologized for not coming and for her son's behavior. She said she had not attended because she figured her husband could handle that end and that SHE needed to focus on her son.

 

I completely understood that and said that mom to mom, BOTH kids were the ONLY concern. She told me her H and she are divorcing, that there have been problems at home, and that her son was having a hard time with it.

 

I cannot speculate what goes on in their home, and have sympathy of course - but that doesnt protect my daughter. Anyway, the Mom said that after this school year is done (another month) - he will be attending a different school. She said that she told her son, in no uncertain terms that when he sees my daughter:

HE OPENS DOORS FOR HER

IN A LINE, SHE GOES FIRST

SHE DROPS SOMETHING, HE PICKS IT UP

HE DOES NOT MENTION HER NAME IN ANYWAY TO ANYONE

If my daughter reports to me even so much as a rumor that these are not happening - my H takes it up with hers.

 

She added that he has already seen a counselor and that she is very very concerned about his emotional health and anger management.

 

So - while I dont know how realistic the plan is....I'm glad its passed.

 

For my part, the anger I felt was alarming. I know it was Mama Instinct and thats fine. But I know too that a lot of it was from my own past abusive relationships and my absolute resolution that my daughter never put up with that from anyone.

[GorillaTheater]

This has been handled about as well as it possibly could be. Major kudos all around.

 

It's something of a sore point with me right now, but I wonder what I would do if some kid knocked my daughter down in front of me. Or more specifically, whether probation would be an option or if I'd spend time in an orange jumpsuit.

[Ronni_W]

But I know too that a lot of it was from my own past abusive relationships and my absolute resolution that my daughter never put up with that from anyone.

2sure,

wondering if you'd be able to wrap your head around some kind of notion that this was a POSITIVE consequence of your prior abusive relationships, in terms of your willingness and courage to just "get in there" and do what your daughter needed you to do (in pencil skirt and stilettos, no less!)

And (to me) another positive consequence of your past was that you stayed conscious and aware of when you needed to call the cops. You instinctively did what you had to do for your daughter...and then you regained enough control to NOT just keep acting out of rage.

 

IMO, your action sends such a strong and clear message, to your daughter and anyone else who is listening, that she can count on you to be there for her when it'll count the most...in ways that you yourself don't necessarily know you can. (She may have felt humiliated but the bigger message is the significant one, I'm thinking.)

 

I don't have kids. But I do have a sense of that primal need to protect and take care of one's offspring. May as well do it while she is still of an age where you can, why not? -- soon enough you won't be able to protect her from anything (much as most every parent would dearly love to be able to do that.)

 

Not to mention that the Universe put in you that exact spot at that exact time...there must be something about that bit of synchronicity -- you were facilitating lessons for every witness and ALL others involved, perhaps?

[whichwayisup]

I feel like "my slip is showing" and I have embarrassed my family with my less than classy behavior.

 

No, you did what any mother would do. Or father..Imagine if your husband had seen this guy hit your daughter! Or would he have sat there watching doing nothing? I'm sure he would have jumped out of the car and tackled that boy!

 

It's good you called 911.

 

Instead of pressing charges, why not insist (and get the school involved too) that this boy get counselling and do some community service.

[applecake]

You did as your instincts dictated. You feel bad because you handled the situation physically and that your daughter isn't understanding why.

 

You did not fight this situation with Violence. Your anger is red hot anger and needs a lot to restrain it.

 

When we come to protecting our Families i believe that we go solely on instinct and not logic and political correctness.

 

You will be feared among the kids and held up secretly by every mother in that small pond.

Don't you dare feel bad. Remember though he is a child and every action is a reaction so his mum is probably spot on with why he is behaving in this manner. Not much help to your daughter I know but maybe enough for you to understand why.

I would keep an eye on your daughter though as if there are any problems she will be uncomfortable coming to you due to the fact that she is annoyed with how you dealt with it.

I have a 15 yr old son and if he ever did that I can honestly say I don't know how I would react. I would be so ashamed.

 

Hope it all works out

[sugabug001]

Give the parents a chance to handle it this time without pressing charges...If it happens again or if you see that nothing has been done with the kid then if it ever happens again go ahead with the charges..Tell the other parents you want an apology letter written to your daughter as well..You never know maybe you put enough of the fear and embarassment into him to do some good..Usually if you embarass a kid it does a world of good..Sounds mean but true...Embarassing them in front of their friends is the worst thing they can think of at that age...

[OceanBlue]

Interesting...when I first started reading this, I identified with being the girl's parent. I have a 14 yr old daughter and I only hope that I could show the same restraint that 2sure did if I was faced with this situation. And I firmly believe the response, right down to calling 911, was correct.

 

But further in, I started thinking about my son. And how easily this could have been him. Not that he has done this but we have anger management issues.

 

I'm curious about the comment made about "little miss 2sure's mouth". Some provocation?

 

My son has been bullied by 4 girls as recently as last week. And the mouth on one of them would have embarrassed me to high heaven if I had been her parent. The comments were designed to provoke my son and they achieved that goal - though there was no violence. Thankfully my daughter intervened.

 

I have found that what leads up to the action, is sometimes as important as the response. And while physically engaging in a fight with a girl is never right, I can see where it might happen. And I would defend my son when necessary. That said, my line at home would remain firm on the no violence towards girls, and serious consequences no matter what the provocation.

[WineCountry]

well if i was the other parents i would be totally pissed that you hurt my kid.... that was all i was saying.

 

and no he isn't preschool aged, but she is an adult woman and technically he is still a child.

 

 

Bull. She said the kid was bigger than SHE was. And if the kid is bad enough to be smacking girls in the face, he is big enough to have that girls mom hold his arm behind his back. Now adays, kids are vicious as dogs. They may be 'kids' but you have 15, 16, 17 year old shooting at each other, raping people, stabbing people, etc. These are different times we are in. It's not Leave It to Beaver Land out here, where all you had to do was yell at a kid and threaten to tell his parents, and he would behave.

 

I mean give me a break. All she did was put the kid in an arm hold. She didnt take a two by four and beat him with it. And i say this as a police officer.

 

I do not fault her AT ALL because what she was doing was defending her daughter.

 

Who in the world would watch their child being struck and knocked to the ground by someone without stepping in and stopping it? I think you simply throwing an armlock on the kid and making him stay put until the police arrived was actually pretty low key compared to what SOME parents might have done to that punk.

 

The boys parents can sulk about it all they want. That is what they all do. OP, Get yourself a lawyer, and be careful about saying ANYTHING without a lawyer present. Dont go and have this meeting with the parents/school because you think that everything will be just fine after that. What if the meeting goes bad, and you decide you are going to go ahead with legal proceedings against the kid? Now, things you and your daughter said at the meeting might be brought up at court. And depending on what was said, you dont know if it could help you or hurt you.

 

If you get the lawyer you are going to want to make sure he is aware of all the problems your daughter had with this kid. If at anytime in the past you spoke to someone about this kid ( the school, a counselor, the police, etc) anything that was documented, you will want to make sure that is known. If you can find any witnesses that are willing to say in court that they saw what happened, even better.

[delnoire]

Wow. Just reading that first post was enough to p**** me off. I totally understand your reaction 2sure, and I admire your restraint. Being a dad, I think I might have handled that much worse than you did. As parents I guess we all have a permanent anxiety over our kids when we can't see them, and an assault like that is like a nightmare coming true. It sounds like everythinng has more or less worked out for you and your daughter, so kudos.

Something similar (though thankfully not as scary) was going on with my oldest daughter and a boy in her grade. They are both somewhat younger than 14 or 15. He kept 'exposing' himself to her during school, which the principal didn't seem to take too seriously as it was the boy's word against my daughter's but when my ex and I eventually decided we'd had enough and went over his head to the superintendent....well....lets just say things took a turn for the positive;). Later on I saw that same boy push my daughter down on the playground while she was walking across ice. She got back up and he pushed her down again. I was about ready to run up and rip that little s***ts head off. I don't know how I restrained myself in retrospect, but I guess it turned out for the best. The boy ended up getting in so much trouble, so many times that his mother just moved him to another school.

[whimsical_memory]

If we as parents do not stand up for our children, who will? I do believe that you did the right thing in regards to this situation. I wish that there were more parents willing to step up and do the right thing!

[donnamaybe]

I'm curious about the comment made about "little miss 2sure's mouth". Some provocation?

 

The standard in MY household is this: "Whoever hits first is wrong." End of story. Sticks and stones and all that.

[2sure]

Its ironic - this event has now passed for my family but just this morning I was thinking of posting an update as to the outcome since the the school year has passed.

 

Yes, I do believe my daughter was wrong in engaging in a verbal dispute with this kid. She should have known better and ignored him. But understand, this kid had been intimidating her verbally since we moved in. It was probably bound to lead to something. I feel bad not so much for what I did to him - as for what I wanted to do to him.

 

But - as we decided during the meeting with the parents: The kid was to avoid my daughter if possible. This included not talking about her to anyone else, no rumors, etc. If he could not avoid her he was to hold open doors if he saw her coming, pick up what she dropped, and in general be a gentleman.

 

Well, he did all of that. He probably did avoid her, but when entering school he held open the door for her. No snide remarks, no smirks. When questioned by someone else , he had no response. So, the kid stepped up in my opinion. Because of previous problems he has had - he will not be attending the same school in the fall. I hope he works through his issues.

 

And I hope my daughter learned not to push when someone is at the edge - whether they deserve it or not AND TO NOT EVER think it is her fault or that its ok for a man to strike her.

[OceanBlue]

The standard in MY household is this: "Whoever hits first is wrong." End of story. Sticks and stones and all that.

I was merely asking if there might have been some provocation. I wasn't suggesting that the response was appropriate. And if that philosophy works in your house, then great. Sometimes, hearing the whole of the situation and not just the end result, shines a different light on the dynamics of the altercation.

 

Its ironic - this event has now passed for my family but just this morning I was thinking of posting an update as to the outcome since the the school year has passed.

 

Yes, I do believe my daughter was wrong in engaging in a verbal dispute with this kid. She should have known better and ignored him. But understand, this kid had been intimidating her verbally since we moved in. It was probably bound to lead to something. I feel bad not so much for what I did to him - as for what I wanted to do to him.

 

But - as we decided during the meeting with the parents: The kid was to avoid my daughter if possible. This included not talking about her to anyone else, no rumors, etc. If he could not avoid her he was to hold open doors if he saw her coming, pick up what she dropped, and in general be a gentleman.

 

Well, he did all of that. He probably did avoid her, but when entering school he held open the door for her. No snide remarks, no smirks. When questioned by someone else , he had no response. So, the kid stepped up in my opinion. Because of previous problems he has had - he will not be attending the same school in the fall. I hope he works through his issues.

 

And I hope my daughter learned not to push when someone is at the edge - whether they deserve it or not AND TO NOT EVER think it is her fault or that its ok for a man to strike her.

 

Thanks for the update 2sure. I'm glad he seems to have responded to the seriousness of the situation.

 

And I appreciate your honesty regarding the verbal dispute. Sometimes it is hard to avoid these as an adult, nevermind as a teenager.

[boldjack]

sure, I'm happy that things turned out well. The boy seems to have gotten the message and is making the effort to be civil.

[onthebrinkofitall]

Good for you for only grabbing his arm and threatening him. I would probably be in jail right now. My children are all very young and when another child is bullying them, I get the urge to punch toddlers or at least punch their parents for allowing their children to behave that way. You probably shouldn't press charges.. it would only affect your daughter more and embarrass her and the boy. I do believe that the boy's parents should punish him though.. perhaps you could talk to a school guidance counselor about it? Try to be discreet but do something. That kind of behavior is not acceptable.