Do i keep this baby or do i let go? (need extra heads to me think..)

[taylor]

I think if you abort this fetus, you will be doing it out of fear.

 

If you choose to keep it, you will be doing it out of love.

 

You decided to have a child. You wanted to have a child. You, your husband and your daughter all looked forward to the prospect of a new addition to your family. You are even avoiding alcohol to keep the fetus healthy. What does this say about what you are feeling deep inside.

 

And now that your husband committed adultery, all these wonderful plans you had have changed. All because of one lousy move on your husband's part.

 

If I were you, I would not allow my husband's disgusting behavior cheat me out of something I wanted...a child. I would not give up a dream I had because my husband is a cheater.

 

Instead of paying for an abortion, I would use the money to pay for the best attorney I could find. Seek child support for both children, including financial support for day care so that you can work.

 

Also, the U.S. offers some great programs and temporary assistance to struggling single mothers that can be of great help to you as you transition from dependent married status to independent single status....including vocational education and training and childcare.

 

There are plenty of single mothers who work and care for two children. It's hard, but the love of their children and their determination to provide the best for them gets them through. And many of these mothers that I know say they wouldn't change a thing. Yes, they struggle. But they also say it's all worth it.

 

Your husband told you he can't stay faithful, meaning he can't stay committed to you. In essence, he doesn't want to be married, because being married means being faithful and committed.

 

Losing your marriage doesn't mean you also have to lose your child. If you want the child, keep it. Then get tough. Get determined. And do what you have to do to make your way in the world. And don't forget that your husband is legally responsible for financially supporting both children.

 

Five years from now you will be in a different place than you are now. Circumstances will change. Take that into consideration when you make your decision.

 

May you make a decision that will bring peace and no regrets.

[Itsnotme]

I don't post much at all on here but I read everything. Your post moved me to the core and I send love and hugs to you.

 

It moved me because I was on the exact same situations as you. My son was four and I was pregnant when my partner went back to his ex and moved 300 miles away. I was frightened, hurt, rejected and just didn't know what to do. The only support I had was my mum.

 

I had a termination. It was a very hard decision. The hardest of my life. I then took my son and moved out of the home that we had shared and started a new life. Three years later I met someone else and was married for 10 years before divorcing. I now have two daughters.

 

I do not regret the decision that I made. I cannot tell you that I made the decision out of fear although that probably played a big part in it but the timing was all wrong, I was hurting beyond belief and very lonely.

 

Make the absolute right decision for you and you alone at this point. You may not know what that is yet but you will. Do not let others make you feel guilty or sway you either way.

 

I would most certainly go it alone at this point. I don't think he will change and from your post, neither do you do. Come away from this with some dignity. You can and will find happiness elsewhere eventually.

[armywife915]

I am wondering why there are only two options for you applejuice. To abort or not. Why not consider adoption?

 

My thoughts are with you, I can't even imagine how you must feel. I hope you find comfort in your daughter. Kids have such an amazing way of making life better.

[lonely21]

You obviously have a lot on your mind at the min so please do not make any rash decisons. I have recently gone through an abortion through different reasons. I told myself that it was the right decision and tbh it was at the time. But the guilt is awful, its always there. surely there are family friends anyone that would be around to look after you did split and keep the baby?

All im saying is dont rush this decision sweetie *hugs*

[Els]

I think if you abort this fetus, you will be doing it out of fear.

 

If you choose to keep it, you will be doing it out of love.

 

 

I don't think it's fair to put it that way, and I don't think it's that simple. There are so many other possible reasons for either choice, ALL of which should be weighed and considered. She might decide to abort it because she feels starting a new life and hauling herself up would be difficult enough without a baby in tow, or because she feels that at the moment she cannot give it a good home. On the flip side, she might choose to keep it if she feels her circumstances allow it and her friends/family will be able to help her bring it up in the type of home it deserves.

 

None of us can possibly know enough about the circumstances and factors involved, even if she were to write us her entire biography, to tell her what the 'best decision' will be. OP, my heart goes out to you, and I hope that the decision you make will be one with no regrets involved. (hugs)

[taylor]

I believe if the OP had no fear as to how she was going to care for the child once it's born..or if she had no fear as to how she was going to support the child financially after it's born, she would choose to keep the fetus because her choice would be made strictly out of love for the baby.

 

I am well aware she has complicated, pragmatic issues to consider.

 

If she can put her fears to rest, ie., come up with workable solutions regarding childcare and finances, I don't see why she wouldn't keep the fetus.

 

And if she can't put the fears to rest, ie., come up with workable solutions regarding childcare and finances, then she will most likely abort, no matter how much she may love her unborn child.

 

This is not a matter of fairness. And this is not a question of whether she loves or doesn't love the fetus. It's a question of whether she has a means of putting her fears to rest so that she is able to bring another child into the world to love.

 

It saddens me to think a mother may have to abort her unborn child she wanted because she is afraid she will not have the financial means or support to care for it.

[Mino]

I believe if the OP had no fear as to how she was going to care for the child once it's born..or if she had no fear as to how she was going to support the child financially after it's born, she would choose to keep the fetus because her choice would be made strictly out of love for the baby.

 

I am well aware she has complicated, pragmatic issues to consider.

 

If she can put her fears to rest, ie., come up with workable solutions regarding childcare and finances, I don't see why she wouldn't keep the fetus.

 

And if she can't put the fears to rest, ie., come up with workable solutions regarding childcare and finances, then she will most likely abort, no matter how much she may love her unborn child.

 

This is not a matter of fairness. And this is not a question of whether she loves or doesn't love the fetus. It's a question of whether she has a means of putting her fears to rest so that she is able to bring another child into the world to love.

 

It saddens me to think a mother may have to abort her unborn child she wanted because she is afraid she will not have the financial means or support to care for it.

It is a sad situation to abort because of financial... but its a reality. Children do cost money. Sure there are some agencies and charaties to help out for a few months, but the reality is there will not be around for 18 years. So I am using logic.. pretend the H is a dead beat, lets assume the worst and hope for the best. Does she have an education? Does she have a job to support herself and her child now? She has already stated she has NO family here. The welfare system in the US is not the best. Drive through section 8 and take a look of what poverty looks like. Crime rate is high there, does she want to subject herself and the child she already has to that? look at our unemployment rate. Our economy, not to promising at the moment. Sure in a perfect world her H pays childsupport, hmmm how much is that 200$ a month for each child? give or take a few bucks....Sure it can be done, but at what cost to her and her child now? Her child is going to kindergarden soon, she has a chance... a chance to maybe keep her head above water. I am just saying it will be Almost impossible if she has another child. Sure on paper it looks good, but reality is many times different, and the people that said they would support her, will only do it for a small time frame, She needs to look at herself only, her capabilities, her strength, her options, and only make a choice by not expecting help from anyone but herself, thats her self protection..

[taylor]

Mino,

 

I hear what you are saying.

 

This is such a heartbreaking story and the outpouring of support for the OP shows the empathy others have to her situation. We all pray for a happy ending.

 

I understand the reality you are describing. My parents divorced when I was 12 and my mother struggled financially for years with 4 children. It didn't help that my father fought support every step of the way.

 

 

 

OP,

 

Can you shed some light on what kind of parent your husband is?

 

You say he wanted this second child very badly. Do you think he would be devoted to the care of the child if you divorced? Does he take his responsibilities seriously? Would he financially support the child willingly or is he the type that would dodge and resist? What do you think?

 

How does your husband feel about the possibility of abortion? Would he be more willing to support the child knowing that if he wasn't willing, you would abort? How does he feel knowing you may very well abort his child because of his infidelity?

 

I would think that by now your husband would be starting to realize the horrible effects his cheating has had on his family.

 

OP, my heart goes out to you. No one should have to be put in the awful position you are in right now. Whatever decision you make will be the right one. Again, let it bring you peace and no regrets.

[Apple_juice]

Bentnotbroken, i'm checking in..

 

It's Tuesday now and i haven't contacted the abortion service.

 

On Sunday afternoon. I took my daughter out to give my husband some time with himself. He said he needed to talk to someone regarding my decision and his situation (despite his initial statement that he wanted the baby badly, i could see he was also wavering - i suggested him to go to this forum for support if he couldn't find other alternatives). I came home to find that he spent much of his time browsing porn websites and a site called fling dot com..

 

However on Sunday night, after giving my daughter her milk, out of nowhere she said "Mama, i want my baby brother".

 

I was just stunned. I don't know what made her say that. I wondered if she actually picked the conversation i had with my husband (would she even understand it?). Later I teased and asked her 'how would you know it's a brother not a sister?'

 

Call me crazy.. but i thought of my daughter, and i hesitated to follow through with my decision after that.

 

Monday, i called the counselor that we met half a year ago. I begged for an emergency counseling over the phone (the facility is not available although she was able to spare me few moments to talk). I honestly feel that i get more from reading through what's posted in this thread than from talking to her (maybe unfair because we only talked for a short time, but that's how i feel). This thread has helped me to connect with real people who has gone through life making the difficult choices, people who share their hindsight and those with valuable point of views. Nothing could be more real than those. Stung, Soserious, you're spot on about my dilemma. Taylor, yes my initial decision was based on fears and uncertainty and perhaps survival instinct.

 

I do not regret the decision that I made. I cannot tell you that I made the decision out of fear although that probably played a big part in it but the timing was all wrong, I was hurting beyond belief and very lonely.

 

Hurting, afraid and very lonely i know the feeling well. I am glad you do not regret your decision. That's what i'll have to work on, to be at peace with my decision.

 

Right now i don't know what's what, rationality down the drain. But I think if i am unable to call the termination service by now i know which path i'm going to take.

 

Despite the repulsive thought of having to entangle myself further with my husband, having to be dependent on him for a while, I will have to stay, at least until the baby is born, until i can stand on my feet again.

 

Thanking you all from the bottom of my heart.

[taylor]

On Sunday afternoon. I took my daughter out to give my husband some time with himself. He said he needed to talk to someone regarding my decision and his situation (despite his initial statement that he wanted the baby badly, i could see he was also wavering - i suggested him to go to this forum for support if he couldn't find other alternatives). I came home to find that he spent much of his time browsing porn websites and a site called fling dot com..

 

This made me want to puke.

 

How is it there are men like this that exist in the world...ones who don't evolve past the neanderthal stage.

 

So upset right now, I'm at a loss for words.

[Eve]

Thanks for checking in Apple Juice. You have been in my heart and my prayers and I hoped that something clear would come to you that you could hold onto whilst you decided realistically what you could handle.

 

In total I cant say anymore than what Bentnotbroken has said. Please keep posting whenever you need to. Huge hugs going out to you and yours.

 

I have no words to describe my annoyance with your Hubby. I hope he grows up. I really do. Still praying for strength for you at this sensitive time.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Heroic]

Me and my wife can't have kids....there are hundreds of thousands of couples like us that would love to have a healthy baby.

[soserious1]

Me and my wife can't have kids....there are hundreds of thousands of couples like us that would love to have a healthy baby.

 

 

 

Somehow the thought of going thru an entire pregnancy and delivery only to end up divorced, broke, lugging a 4 yr old who's asking "why did you give my brother away and are you going to give me away too ?" sounds like the stuff nightmares are made of.

[Stung]

Somehow the thought of going thru an entire pregnancy and delivery only to end up divorced, broke, lugging a 4 yr old who's asking "why did you give my brother away and are you going to give me away too ?" sounds like the stuff nightmares are made of.

 

in addition, in most states, the father would have to legally sign away his parental rights. i do sympathize with you, heroic, and wish you the best if you are trying to adopt, but realize that giving a baby up for adoption isn't easy or simple in any way.

 

applejuice, it sounds like you have reached a decision. i don't personally ascribe to the belief that a higher power spoke to you (no offense to those who do), but it does seem to me that your own feelings have begun to make themselves known to you. i wish you the best of luck as you move through these uncertain times. i hope you'll be able to count on your husband for some support, but i agree with a previous poster...his behavior seems to be continuing to be reprehensible, and nearly made me want to puke, too.

[Holding-On]

Apple-Juice

 

I admit you have definitely written the most wrenching post I've seen on here.

Many hugs of condolence to you.

 

The one thing also that I am wondering is how many children you want in your life (total). Clearly one will be much easier to look after than two when on your own.

 

However, if you chose to have a baby when things seemed good I am guessing you wanted one.

I do not know your age. How strongly do you feel about the spacing of siblings or your likelihood of having another child?

 

I agree you should leave. Clearly he is not respectful, trying or anything of that ilk. You can decide when to leave and whether to try separation.

 

You can have an abortion. Can you have an adoption without your husband's say though? This I am not sure. Perhaps he needs to legally give up the baby. You may need to talk someone.

 

I second finding a woman's group to help you. Talk to women who left and what they recommend/have to go through and what resources are out there. This will give you a potential support group.

 

My gut feeling is that it will be easier to leave now than later, emotionally. Not just for you but for your daughter. However, I suppose if he is not in other ways abusive and you can stand it, you can also stay together as roommates and leave when you do have

older child/children

a job in a better economy

or more education.

 

I do not know what your educational background is or work history. How difficult will getting a job be? Will you be better off getting more education and possibly doing this part-time while raising a baby or do you need to get in full-time before you work experience is too old to be relevant?

[Apple_juice]

Just a quick update. "Baby" is now a handsome 4 years old with a sensitive soul. He will be starting kindy next year, time does fly..and i can't wait to get my wings back.

 

I still come back to this site from time to time and read the same thread over and over again to remind me to be strong over the years. It always works. I feel grateful that i have stumbled across everyone on here who have helped me during my darkest moment.

[FallingLeaves]

Thanks for the update AJ!

 

How have you been? Glad to hear the little ones are doing well.

[yellowmaverick]

Just a quick update. "Baby" is now a handsome 4 years old with a sensitive soul. He will be starting kindy next year, time does fly..and i can't wait to get my wings back.

 

I still come back to this site from time to time and read the same thread over and over again to remind me to be strong over the years. It always works. I feel grateful that i have stumbled across everyone on here who have helped me during my darkest moment.

 

Awesome!!! I did not follow the original thread. Did you stay with your H?

[BOREDouttaMymind]

idk. if you love this child, do you really want to end its life out of love?