TaraMaiden Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 Let's not make this a pro-choice/pro-life debate thread. AJ is a woman from a third-world country, who's moved to marry a man who can't remain faithful. She's got a four year-old to consider and now, the possibility of another child. I completely agree with this. Right now, I think she merely needs the support we can all give her to find the strength to make her own decisions.....whatever they may be. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 I would say put the welfare of your children first. Stay with him, have the baby, wait until the baby is old enough to go school, get a job, kick him out... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Apple_juice Posted May 16, 2009 Author Share Posted May 16, 2009 Once again, thank you for all your kind inputs, you have no idea how much it means to me. Right now i think i'm about 70% sure regarding abortion. Few people suggested i should discuss with a MC (Marriage Counselor) or IC (?). It is the right thing to do, but time is not on my side. It didn't work the couple of times we did it (this was after he cheated 6 months ago). We sat with the counselor for long hours but it just went around and around. He was very resistant, he later said he felt there's more communication flowing between the 2 of us rather than 3. He refused to answer many questions asked by the counselor. Eve i'm so glad you found your blessings in your 2 girls, given a different scenario i would dearly love to see my daughter having a baby brother or sister too. My daughter has been very excited about the prospect, and that's one of the reasons of why we decided to have a 2nd child. I feel like with an abortion the OP might feel like she lost a marriage and a child. Allina, it does feel like that after coming to this decision. In a weak moment I felt like drinking my pain away. But i couldn't bring myself to do that because i'm pregnant, even though it won't matter anymore very soon. I know i have to try to stay focused, because this might just be the beginning of my trials. Taking everything into consideration, after re-reading other people's thoughts and examining my own, i think moving on is indeed the best option. I hope what i am doing is the sensible thing for us, me and my daughter. Kindly wish me strength and no life long regrets. My ultrasound for Nuchal test is due this coming week. I am going to call the abortion centre on Monday, i'm not sure if i should schedule my abortion prior or after the test. A big part of me really wants to see what my bub looks like, and to have a keepsake of him/her but I don't know if this is wise.. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 My ultrasound for Nuchal test is due this coming week. I am going to call the abortion centre on Monday, i'm not sure if i should schedule my abortion prior or after the test. A big part of me really wants to see what my bub looks like, and to have a keepsake of him/her but I don't know if this is wise.. All you can do is go through the processes. You will have a sense of what feels right. I have had an unwanted pregnancy and I knew that I could not have the child.. it was a deep knowing beyond my circumstance. The pregnancy ended by miscarraige in the end so I cannot put myself entirely in your shoes in that regard. I had prayed a lot about it and but flatly knew that I could not have the baby. I asked God to take the child back.. of course this is open to interpretation and I am not telling you what to believe here. In fact this may seem useless in many respects because I could not contemplate having the child nor could I contemplate an abortion. However I did arrange an abortion (with my first daughter) and as the time grew closer I sort of knew everything would be ok, even though I was so young. What I am saying is that as you go through the process things will get clearer and we will support you in any way we can here. I hope that you have good housing options and can find some upport. In the UK we have 'Homestart'. This organisation assists people who have children under 5. 'Surestart' provide support too. Linking in with these sort of support providers can be a lifesaver for many. I think it would be good to have someone at the end of a phone and to meet for coffee who knows many practical avenues of support within the community. Whatever you decide, Honey, please, please, please be aware that you are not alone. Take care, Eve xx Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 On a lighter note, try and rent this film. It is called 'Waitress' and is pretty uplifting... and really funny! I understand that you are 70% through the process of looking at abortion and this film is not about abortion, (from the onset the woman feels tied to have the child) Its just that I saw it the other day and the relationship dymanics were very interesting. Main elements - bad marraige (the husband was a complete dick), an affair, unwanted pregnancy, finding peace within oneself. Good film. Take care, Eve xx Link to post Share on other sites
Stung Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 applejuice, if i may, i would like to recommend that you do NOT watch the previously recommended film 'Waitress' at this time. yeah, it's an okay movie, but no, don't watch it right now. it's a fairy tale about baby-bonding, ultimately, and could be extremely manipulative of your emotions right now. seriously, people, PLEASE, like trialbyfire said: be careful with your advice. applejuice, good luck to you. i have had some experience with what you are going through and i, too, am available for private conversation if you want to PM me. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 Your baby growing inside you wants to live. You must believe that. It's not your baby's fault the dad, your husband is a twat. You are a good woman and you have done nothing wrong, don't punish yourself for what your husband is. You love your daughter and you will love your new baby while he/she grows inside you and is then born. Your children will give you great joy and happiness, not despair and despondency. Grieve the loss of your husband instead. Kick him to the curb. He will never change and says as much, so believe him, and more importantly, believe in yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 I would not have the child, I say this because I am a single mother, believe me, it is hard with one. With your child now going to kindergarden soon, you could be full time employed. Imagine the cost of baby day care, I am sure that runs another 250 a week. Abortion causes resentment? What the hell is that? You should already have resentment of what he is putting you through. You need to rethink, its you and your child, Forget him, and hopefully you can get support out of him, but I see that many have a hard time getting that...Good luck sweetie. Link to post Share on other sites
Stung Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 hopesndreams...once the baby IS a baby, yes, it will want to live. right now it has the potential to be a baby, but it is not. it is an embryo, moving into being a fetus. at this moment, it does not have the ability to think, or want, or feel, it's brain is not developed enough. this is turning into a pro-choice vs. anti-choice thread, but none of the people advocating you blindly carry the fetus to term but divorce the husband seem to have any concrete advice for how to handle a four-year-old and a newborn on your own in a country foreign to you where you have no familial support, they are making purely emotional arguments. only you can gauge the reality of your situation, applejuice. only you can know whether you would irreparably grieve the abortion or resent the pregnancy and struggle with the baby. it's a very hard choice with no easy answers. whatever you decide, i wish you the best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
theBrokenMuse Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 Your baby growing inside you wants to live. You must believe that. It's not your baby's fault the dad, your husband is a twat. You are a good woman and you have done nothing wrong, don't punish yourself for what your husband is. You love your daughter and you will love your new baby while he/she grows inside you and is then born. This woman did not come to LS to hear your emotional pleading for her to adopt a stance that mimics your own. Take the rhetoric elsewhere, please - it's really not helpful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 Your baby growing inside you wants to live. You must believe that. It's not your baby's fault the dad, your husband is a twat. You are a good woman and you have done nothing wrong, don't punish yourself for what your husband is. You love your daughter and you will love your new baby while he/she grows inside you and is then born. Your children will give you great joy and happiness, not despair and despondency. Grieve the loss of your husband instead. Kick him to the curb. He will never change and says as much, so believe him, and more importantly, believe in yourself. Yeap, her husband is a "twat" and twats generally find it difficult to pay court ordered child support on time and in full. Our economy is in the toilet right now, people with advanced degrees cannot find work, a single mother from another country, lugging a 4 yr old, her belly bulging with another on the way isn't going to have employers beating down her door. Your words are very pretty, but unless you're ready to back up your advice with help.. like a job at a living wage, affordable modest housing, daycare and health insurance that's all your statement is, pretty words. OP, go over your finances, and quickly consult with a lawyer to discuss your options legally. There is also always the option of staying with the jerk, long enough to have the baby, get back on your feet physically, stash some money and then leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 applejuice, if i may, i would like to recommend that you do NOT watch the previously recommended film 'Waitress' at this time. yeah, it's an okay movie, but no, don't watch it right now. it's a fairy tale about baby-bonding, ultimately, and could be extremely manipulative of your emotions right now. seriously, people, PLEASE, like trialbyfire said: be careful with your advice. applejuice, good luck to you. i have had some experience with what you are going through and i, too, am available for private conversation if you want to PM me. I would say that your post is more manipulative in many many respects than a suggestion of a film title. Ultimately the film teases away the reality which is that we can be seperate from the pressures of relationships. I am sure that the poster is able to see both perspectives and I have not shown her any disrespect towards her current leaning. At the end of the day its not about me or you. I hate it when those who have had abortions promote the pain of the process as the only choice to bad circumstances. The view is still open and will be until the poster knows in herself what she will do. One point cannot dominate. I will leave this place for now and concentrate on other areas of the board because this could get stupid. I hope that the poster gets support which is realistic and practical. Take care, Eve xx Link to post Share on other sites
lovekillsslowly Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 IMO and if it was me I would keep the baby and ditch the husband. He has lied to you. Time and time again. I hope and pray that you have family members or good friends who will help you through all this. A good support system is what you need. I truly believe in the generousity and kindness of people and what has happened to you would tug at anyone's heartstrings and make anyone do whatever they could to help you out. Sometime...somewhere....someplace....you will find the "man of your dreams" who will love you for who you are and will love you and your child (or children if you decide to continue with this pregnancy) as if they were his own. Best of luck to you in whatever decision you choose to make. Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 Yeap, her husband is a "twat" and twats generally find it difficult to pay court ordered child support on time and in full. Our economy is in the toilet right now, people with advanced degrees cannot find work, a single mother from another country, lugging a 4 yr old, her belly bulging with another on the way isn't going to have employers beating down her door. Your words are very pretty, but unless you're ready to back up your advice with help.. like a job at a living wage, affordable modest housing, daycare and health insurance that's all your statement is, pretty words. OP, go over your finances, and quickly consult with a lawyer to discuss your options legally. There is also always the option of staying with the jerk, long enough to have the baby, get back on your feet physically, stash some money and then leave. best advice yet! She needs to be realistic, especially about her finances. Single parenting is not easy, especially if you want to put your kids through collage one day, i payed over 80,000 for mine to get a degree. and now she wants a car! lol.. I can provide these things for her since I only have one. Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 You definetly have to have the abortion. And use protection next time. Your home is already WAAAYY too broken to bring in another child of a man that says he probably wont commit. Think years past the abortion. Wont you want to have another baby by a man who values you? Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 If that's her choice, then she should. It's kind of hard to tell a wife to use protection with her own H. You seem a little confused about what is really happening to her. Its her CHEATING husband. You missed my point. Shes asking for a suggestion to her choice. Her husband said he cant promise fidelity. So she shouldnt be carrying a new baby that is his, especially when she knows she will have to start her life over. Its too hard with another baby in tow. Link to post Share on other sites
Stung Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 I would say that your post is more manipulative in many many respects than a suggestion of a film title. Ultimately the film teases away the reality which is that we can be seperate from the pressures of relationships. I am sure that the poster is able to see both perspectives and I have not shown her any disrespect towards her current leaning. At the end of the day its not about me or you. I hate it when those who have had abortions promote the pain of the process as the only choice to bad circumstances. The view is still open and will be until the poster knows in herself what she will do. One point cannot dominate. I will leave this place for now and concentrate on other areas of the board because this could get stupid. I hope that the poster gets support which is realistic and practical. Take care, Eve xx and i hate it when posters made completely disingenuous claims. the movie in question is ultimately an emotional fairy tale in which a woman realizes that the love for her baby conquers all, helping her find the strength to repudiate her husband and stand on her own. only, miraculously, she's helped out a little bit by a giant monetary windfall that enables her to buy her own business to pursue her dreams, and she has a circle of quirky and loving friends who will do anything to help raise her single child. that sounds like emotionally manipulative, and unrealistic, fare to be plying the OP with at this moment, to me. now that i've completely spoiled it, i guess she won't need to watch it anyway Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Wow.. this is a tough one. Only YOU can make that huge decision. If you honestly feel that you'd be better off without another child.. then get an abortion. If you feel that you can handle another child... then have it.. your husband will have to support them both. Don't get an abortion to 'punish' him though... get it because YOU need to and it's YOUR decision. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 gotta go with Lizzie's advice, esp. when she points out that the husband will have to support this child should mama decide to have it. however, I think the question is less about having the baby or not, but having a support system in place to help her as she makes these very tough decisions ... OP, there are groups that offer ministries to mothers in crisis pregnancies, so don't hesitate to contact them or look them up – the one I'm familiar with is Gabriel's Project, which ideally helps you plan and prepare for the big event, should you decide to carry this child to full term. a comment on the poster who advised against adoption: That was a bit of warped advice, IMO – you don't love your child less if you give him/her up for adoption, but are trying to meet it's best interests by placing him/her in a family that can love that baby the way you will, and hopefully be able to provide materialistically even as you are not able. It takes a special kind of love for a parent to place a baby for adoption, don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 She has to thoroughly think of the repercussions on her mental health as well.. an abortion can make huge emotional damages... only she knows if she can 'go through an abortion'.. she might not be strong enough mentally (emotionally) with all she's going through now.. She could have found out only after the child was born.. then what? She found out before.. but that doesn't mean that she automatically has to get rid of this baby.. This baby could be a 'good thing' for her.. Bottom line.. she really has to weigh the 'pros' and 'cons'... and since she doesn't have that much time... she really needs to think it hard.. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Its her CHEATING husband. You missed my point. Shes asking for a suggestion to her choice. Her husband said he cant promise fidelity. So she shouldnt be carrying a new baby that is his, especially when she knows she will have to start her life over. Its too hard with another baby in tow. You are missing the point. She is not here to be lectured about her sexual practices or lack thereof..what's with the "next time use a condom"? you are condescending, she is not a child. Applejuice...I am sorry you are going through this..<hugs> Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Bottom line.. she really has to weigh the 'pros' and 'cons'... and since she doesn't have that much time... she really needs to think it hard.. Which is why she has to, if possible, go talk to someone, a professional to help her with this decision. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 I just want all posters to remember it is her choice. Exactly. And, as it's been mentioned before, not make her thread a debate about being pro choice or not. If those who want to do that, start another thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Gamine Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Have you given any consideration to the possibility that childcare (post divorce) could be shared custody? My sister has two daughters under the age of 7... recently divorced. He has the girls 1/2 of the week and she has them the other half of the week. Your half of the week could be Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Perhaps this man has before him an opportunity to do some growing up and perhaps parenting might be the very thing to bring him around. Sue him for divorce on the grounds of infidelity and make it clear that you wish to share custody equally... jointly. So far, it has been an all or nothing in terms of either dealing with his lying crap or moving on alone. This cake eating fella may very well just benefit from having children to take care of. He may find a man deep down inside of himself. I wish you love and trust that you will find what is true within your own heart. I'll say a prayer for you. God bless. Link to post Share on other sites
czombie Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 Keep the baby....Once that baby is aborted it is gone and lost forever. You'll never ever have to ask yourself..."what if" if you have the baby. Link to post Share on other sites
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