The questions I'm afraid to ask him...

[sassy77]

Carhill and White Flower - you guys are awesome.

 

I have not told a soul about any of this (except for the zillions of people reading this board... lol) but you know what I mean. And it's funny how my attitude has done a 360 in the 2 days I've been reading and posting here. I'm not into games... but he is messing with my heart and that kinda makes me mad. I know lots of people here think I'm overanalyzing it - trying to pick his brain and see what he's thinking. And you are ALL right... I will be the one left crying alone while he still has his wife. But right now, he is eating out of the palm of my hand... so if he wants to talk, we'll talk. But I'm keeping the upper hand.

 

It's all very weird to me... for example, yesterday I told him that I had plans to go running with a guy friend of mine because I'm training for a marathon. Of course, I had to throw in the fact that this guy is pretty hot... because he is!! And he got JEALOUS!! What is up with that?! When I said it's like going back in time 20 years.... it really, really is!

 

We're both 38 years old - both professional people (I'm a nurse anesthetist) and I know we're both too old to be acting this way... but it's almost funny! He obviously doesn't care so much or he wouldn't put me in the position to have my heart broken. So there's just a teeny-tiny part of me that wants to make him a little uncomfortable. Is that totally wrong??

 

BTW... I'm blaming all of you for this complete change in my attitude! LOL!! I'm kidding, of course. But thanks for helping me open my eyes!!

[carhill]

The mating dance is addictive. You may think you have everything figured out and under control but you really don't. Like I said, think it through. Your age, intelligence, social and professional status matter not in affairs of the heart. The emotions are still the same. How you handle them is up to you.

[JeezLouise]

Of course he's jealous. MMs don't like it when their APs (or potential APs) have eligible, attractive potential mates hanging around, because that ruins their plans/needs.

 

It amazes me how many OW/OM will say "I can't date/have sex with someone else/go out dancing because guys hit on me because my MM gets jealous and I feel like I am cheating on him!"

 

He's the guy living 1.5 lives, and you are living .5!

 

It's very easy to feel in control, and it's very easy to lose that.

[stillafool]

Sassy my ex from 20 years ago and I were in contact again in 2006. Back in the day he was a young Harvard attorney and I was a secretary. He obviously didn't think I was good enough to marry and married someone else who had the proper credentials for him. He told me at the time it was me he really loved but...(you know the bullsh-- from there). After he married he still tried to see me but I said no I will not give him the satisfaction of screwing me and his wife. He made his choice now live with it. Well I carried a torch for him for all those years and I too cried on my (1st) wedding day because it was him I still truly loved. I am remarried now and he contacted me. When he wanted to get together a part of me was dying to rekindle those feelings and be with him again but I thought about my H and couldn't do it. I know that is not your problem because you don't have a H. Also I thought about his W (and how miserable she had made my life back in the day when he was dating us both before he got married) and I thought about his kids. I just couldn't do that to them either. Also, I guess a part of me didn't want him to know me as I am today but to remember me with respect because I choose to leave him and his marriage alone and to honor mine. I too was surprised at how much he already knew about my life. He had followed my life through the grapevine also. I don't know how since I tried to lose contact with everyone who knew him when he decided to marry his current W.

 

 

I guess what I am trying to tell you is if you want to remain "a beautiful fantasy" in this man's mind, don't see him at all. Since the two of you never had sex he has probably put you on a pedestal in his mind. After the two of you have sex the mystery of you will be gone and I'm afraid you will be left wanting - him! My advice to you would be to run like hell while you can and still remain a beautiful memory that he will never have.

[sassy77]

So.... now I'm back to square one. What do I do? Do I just completely stop talking to him? Should I quit while I still have my wits about me? No matter how I look at it... it's still an EA. HOWEVER, I'm not sitting around waiting for his calls and stuff... I do have a life, friends, family... and I am not willing to give that up. Period.

 

BTW... "stillafool" - you are definitely NOT a fool. Thank you soooooo very much for your input. I'd never thought about the "beautiful fantasy" thing before... you're so right.

[whichwayisup]

Why would he be calling ME and wanting to see ME if everything is OK at home?

Because you fill in a need he's not getting at home. It's all about him - His ego, his needs.

 

What do you do? Tell him that you won't be a part of his betrayal - You won't help him cheat his wife, betray his family. He is married and acting inappropriately - Not because he's unhappy at home, but because he CAN and IS getting away with it. He is missing something inside of himself, and I'm sure in his mind, this EA isn't cheating. Yet we all know it is..

[sugarmomma]

Why would he be calling ME and wanting to see ME if everything is OK at home?

.

 

 

Don't fool yourself into thinking that "he must want ME" If that was the case he would be a single man while pursuing you. Maybe he knows that you are willing to settle for just an affair. Men can sniff these kinds of women out.

 

I think you know this deep down which is why you haven't asked him personally "why are you calling and wanting to see ME?"

 

You won't get the answer you're fantasizing about. He is married. Have some some respect for yourself since you don't have any for his W.

 

He just wants to dip.

[White Flower]

Of course he's jealous. MMs don't like it when their APs (or potential APs) have eligible, attractive potential mates hanging around, because that ruins their plans/needs.

 

It amazes me how many OW/OM will say "I can't date/have sex with someone else/go out dancing because guys hit on me because my MM gets jealous and I feel like I am cheating on him!"

 

He's the guy living 1.5 lives, and you are living .5!

 

It's very easy to feel in control, and it's very easy to lose that.

This was a really good post and it reminds me of myself. I felt just like that, except it wasn't MM who would be upset over ME cheating on HIM but that I felt like I would be cheating on him. No, he didn't deserve my loyalty but being a woman in love I just couldn't look at another.

 

And yes, there is very little control in an EMA. You can set your standards for the affair and be satisfied within it, but it will only be .5% of the time in your life.

 

Stillafool,

 

I really liked your last post. I'm so happy you kept yourself the 'beautiful fantasy' in MM's life.

[sugarmomma]

So.... now I'm back to square one. What do I do? Do I just completely stop talking to him? Should I quit while I still have my wits about me? No matter how I look at it... it's still an EA. HOWEVER, I'm not sitting around waiting for his calls and stuff... I do have a life, friends, family... and I am not willing to give that up. Period.

 

BTW... "stillafool" - you are definitely NOT a fool. Thank you soooooo very much for your input. I'd never thought about the "beautiful fantasy" thing before... you're so right.

 

Why don't you ask him the million dollar question "Why is he calling you and wanting to be with you while he is married?"

 

I would like to hear what he has to say. I dare you to ask him.

[sugarmomma]

I have a question. Why aren't you offended by his total disrepect for you and his W?

 

I am waiting for the next MM to approach me so I can let him have it in such a way.

[White Flower]

So funny,

 

In my thread, Being hit on by another MM, I did just that. So interesting how experience is golden. I recognized it right off the bat and this time I snapped at him!

[jj33]

Before even considering going out there for a week and what it might mean why not ask him?

 

You are married I am not comfortable with the idea. I know I wouldnt be happy with an affair. Whats going on?

 

Honesty. If you love him after all these years and think there is ANY possibility of a future if in fact he is unhappy honesty has to be the foundation of any renewed relationship.

 

As others have said if you go into this without asking him point blank -- NOT how is your marriage but WHY do you want me to visit when you are married. And tell him you dont want to be part of an affair.

 

Why are you afraid of asking? Are you afraid he will say well nevermind?

 

If you putting the cards on the table is giong to drive him away then there is no chance for any future with him anyway.

 

Its a fools errand to go out there assuming he must want what you want or he could have chosen anyone - that is your inner fantasy. It may be his but its unlikely.

 

If he really wanted to do this properly he wouldnt be inviting you to a conference and telling you his marriage was fine.

 

Going out without asking the question is a prescription for heartbreak.

 

And 99% he will respect you less because you were willing to "jump" after 20 years to spend time with a married man.

 

Carhill would you agree with that last sentence - maybe I dont give men enough credit but I do believe the old double standard is alive and well.

[sugarmomma]

So funny,

 

In my thread, Being hit on by another MM, I did just that. So interesting how experience is golden. I recognized it right off the bat and this time I snapped at him!

 

WF- You Go Girl!!! Thats what I'm talking about. We should be offended being approached by someone who is in a relationship.

 

I hope the OP realizes this before its toooooo late. You have a chance to dodge a huge bullet.

 

The people here helped to open my eyes to that BS he was tryin to feed me.

 

Never again!!!

[fooled once]

You said in one of your responses that you are an honest person.

 

An honest person doesn't marry someone they don't love or marry someone when they are 'in love' with someone else.

 

An honest person doesn't engage in a relationship with a married person.

 

I personally believe that you are 'in love' with a memory. You are remembering a love from when you were 17. At 17, I don't think any person really knows what LOVE is -- the mature kind of love that sustains a couple through real life. You and he, I am guessing, never had to tackle real hardships or deal with tests that couples go through.

 

I think you are wanting the ego boost of knowing he wants you still (which is understandable and nothing wrong with that).

 

But are you willing to put yourself through all this? An Affair with a married man; a man you loved when you were 17?

 

I mean, is your whole life based on a memory? You are still young -- put the past where it belongs and go grab a fulfilled happy life where YOU are NUMBER 1. You DESERVE it. Don't settle for less!

[Enlightened]

Hi, I'm a newby, and this is my first post althought I've been lurking around here for a while now. This wasn't going to be my first post, I was going to post my own story but your post caught my eye first. Your story is similar to mine in a lot of ways, although you are 100 steps ahead of me in that you found this site and posted about it before it has a chance to really take off.

 

Let me just tell you what can happen in a situation like this if you allow it to progress any further. I was in your shoes. I was in your shoes until very recently, for nearly two years. It was also with an old love, although we were in our early 20's. Very similar, he was married, although he has a small child. I was recently separated. He was the one that "got away" so to speak, for me. Without going into every detail here at this point...let me just say it's brought nothing but heartbreak, at least for me. I have no idea what he's feeling...have not had contact in 5 weeks now.

 

It started out as friends, just joking around and flirting...then progressed to a EA/PA within 2 months time. It really snowballed from that point. 4 months in, he was telling me he loved me. All this time peppering conversations with hints that he "might" want to leave his marriage, but conflicted about it, etc. Ended up separating from his wife for 6 months, then ended up going back to her and dropping me. Asked me if I loved him enough to let him go. I said yes...and I did. For 6 weeks, there was no contact. I still loved him deeply, and that was the longest we'd ever gone through our A with no contact. But, I did it...I was dating someone, and I was trying to move on. Then he sends me an email out of the blue.

 

Within a week he's telling me he's divorcing his wife. He seems serious this time. He finds a place to stay, moves out...then 2 weeks later he goes RIGHT BACK. Claims he's only going back for his child. Guess that's possible, but it doesn't matter. I'm devastated, hurt, angry. Angry at him and at myself. Angry he lead me on like this and I fell for it yet again. Now, previous to our A we had been strictly platonic friends for a few years and it was great. I have now lost that too. This last time he pulled this on me I flat out told him to never contact me again. So far he hasn't, and I don't think he will. Now I'm left picking up the pieces again, and this time is so much worse.

 

I know I'm giving a really abbridged version of events here, to avoid threadjacking. But trust me...it's NOT worth it. It's not worth the cost to your self esteem, to your heart, to your mind. If I can't be a good example, please let me be a horrible warning. DON'T go down this road...DON'T do what I did.

[2sunny]

and the post above is exactly why i always say to wait until the divorce is final. that way you know his intentions and whether his actions show that he wants to be free to see you.

 

certainly - in these two cases - if you've waited 20 years - what's a little bit longer if you both think "it's meant to be."

 

also - if it doesn't work out there is less pain in coming to accept that just because you love someone - doesn't mean you will end up being with them... just to love them forever and to know they love you is awesome - and enough... enough to want them to move forward and find happiness. i want that for anyone in life i love along the way.