His Wife Is Leaving and MM Said He Wants To See Me...

[fooled once]

Change cell numbers.

 

He is not going to give you this dream you think he is going to.

 

The man is a liar and a cheat. Of course he is going to dangle a carrot in front of you -- he enjoys the fact that you are so infatuated with him you would do anything for him. It is a huge ego boost to him.

 

He knows that no matter what, he can treat you like sh*t, not contact you, abandon you, emotionally abuse you --- and you know what? YOU will run to him each and every time. It is a HUGE game for him.

 

He doesn't want to be with you. He doesn't love you.

 

Know how I know that?

 

Because his actions tell me that.

 

MEN who love women will cross mountains for them.

 

MEN who love women doesn't lie to them.

 

MEN who love women want to be with them; want to see them, want to talk to them.

 

HE

 

DOESN'T

 

LOVE

 

YOU.

 

And no matter how crappy he treats you, you will lap it up like a dog. And that is so sad. Because you are going to spend the rest of your life thinking he is a man who wants to be with you. You are going to hang onto the lies he spewed to you.

 

You are going to waste your life on this.

 

And there are so many people whose lives are taken from them and they had so much going on and so many realistic dreams but their lives were ended before they could fulfill them.

 

And you are doing nothing but chasing a dream.

 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE put a period on this and move on before it is too late. Life is too short and don't waste it. He doesn't have to give you a reason for what he did. There is no rule of life that when a cheater dumps someone, they must give a reason. It is hard and it sucks, but you have to move on. I have been there, done that.

 

If you really want to move on; change your number and change your email.

[bentnotbroken]

Of course I hate being in this pain, believe me it is no picnic. I am crying as I write this due to total frustration that some people on here seem to think Im an emotional masciocist and keep going back for more because I enjoy being in pain. Its not true - I give him the benefit of the doubt every time he contacts me because I love this man. I love him so much and just cannot put this to bed.

 

He is obviously not helping by offering me this dream then apparently snatching it away from me. If he had just left me alone and not dug all this up I would have been alot better for it. OK so I did still love him and couldnt move on, but most of the pain had stopped and we had gone months with NC (on his terms of course). Now hes pulled this stroke the depression is back again, but because of how deeply I love him I wanted to believe what he was telling me and give him a chance.

 

 

Some people believe that about you because that's the only thing you have displayed. You give him the benefit of the doubt every freaking time, why? Why does he deserve the benefit of anything? He is a piece of crap. What is so lovable about the way he is treating not one woman, but two, maybe more and kids. What about him even makes him a man. He is the walking puddle of nothing with a brain to match the size of peanut. And the a heart that is none existent.

 

Then why should he help you, when you won't help yourself?

[theBrokenMuse]

Yes but remember he did this before - when he moved out of this house when we were roommates and moved his family to this area last summer. He cut me out of his life, just like that.

 

But he came back and offered me this, I thought he realized we were meant to be...

 

Now he appears to have done it again.

 

But he came back before...he will probably come back again at some point. I just have no idea when. Urgh this is torture and I do not deserve it. I want nothing more than to just be with him. Sorry if this is frustrating for you, hearing me going on like this.

 

I would feel alot different if it was someone else going through this and I was on the outside looking in, however I am in the middle of it so cannot see the wood for the trees. I appologize if I sound crazy. :(

 

From everything you described since you started posting here HB it's pretty obvious that you are refusing to accept reality for what it is. If you want the pain to stop, you have to let the REAL hurt come. You have to accept that someone you loved, did not love, respect or cherish you - at all. If he did, he would not treat you this way. Once you have accepted that fact, you can deal with the actual loss and let the pain go. Closure comes from within - not external sources. You and you alone gets to decide when this all ends.

 

Regardless of him and what he does, you are your own worst enemy right now.

[jj33]

HB you talk about giving him the benefit of the doubt as if he is supposed to treat you the same way in return.

 

Why?

 

He has NEVER treated you the way you deserve to be treated. Since the time he left your apartment, he has not been the man you imagined he was.

 

Its hard to come to terms with that, but its the truth. Its disapointing but its the truth. The more you try to deny that by giving him umpteen chances, the harder longer you will be in pain.

 

You only want to be with him? Why? So he can pull this crap again in a month or two or 6?

 

He Aftr youartiidsaidYou made a mistake by getting involved with this man. The "dream" that he offered you is just that - a dream.

 

its YOUR fantasy - its not his. What he tells you are just lines to feed YOUR fantasy.

 

If you shared the same dream, he would be divorced, he wouldnt have abandoned you again and again, he would NEVER have left you hanging on waiting for his call, the WHOLE story would be different.

 

Saying you are a masochist or whatever labels you put on it, doesnt excuse you from looking after yourself. Again its the depression talking. I hope the new counselor helps.

 

Big hugs

 

jj

 

and PS. It doesnt matter why he WAS special to you - he was special at that point in your life when you were roomates. That relationshp is over. If he were a single man and you were pining over him, the story would be no different.

 

1. He doesnt want what you want.

2. Your "dream" of a life with him is NEVER going to come true.

 

You may get the opportunity to speak to him again or to see him again but it will NEVER be the dream that you want. It will be the continued nightmare that you are living now and each time you will say, he did it again, I thought he wanted a future with me.

 

He doesnt. Hes made that abundantly clear by this actions.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Just had a look on MMs daughters Myspace out of interest to see if there were any clues about the situation at all, and she has updated her hometown/network as a town over here.

 

SO THEY DID LEAVE HIM!!!

AND THEY ARE BACK OVER HERE!!!

So the question is...if they went, why has he not called me???

 

Perhaps jj33's thoery is correct about him finding another OW out there, or just enjoying the single life for a bit and perhaps putting himself about.

[JeezLouise]

He didn't contact you because he didn't want to talk to you.

 

Blunt, yes. Truth, yes.

[jj33]

Well as much as it must hurt at least now you know.

 

The big question is, knowing that are you now ready to:

 

1. BLOCK HIS EMAILS

 

2. NOT TAKE HIS CALLS

 

I cant see that you need ANY more evidence.

 

I know its rough but really its a good thing. Maybe now the nightmare can finally be over.

 

And in 2, 3 6 months or a years time no matter WHAT he may do or say you must ALWAYS remember that this is who he is. He is someone who uses people.

 

You cant ever ever let anything he says make you think that he has changed or realized that he wants to be with you.

 

And that is only a good thing. This is a man who will never really change. He may just put on a good act for awhile.

 

Now you can be free to heal and move on.

 

Big hugs

 

jj

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Sorry did I miss something?

 

I dont get how knowing his family DID leave him is supposed to help me move on??? It actually gave me new hope - thinking that its only a matter of time before he contacts me.

 

His daughter only updated it yesterday so perhaps they changed their leaving date and only came back to this country within the last few days.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

He didn't contact you because he didn't want to talk to you.

 

Blunt, yes. Truth, yes.

 

Sorry but how could he not want to talk to me after offering me the chance for us to be together???

 

How could he want to talk to me one day and not the next?

 

It doesnt make sense - either someone wants you or they dont.

 

Feelings cannot be switched on and off like a lightswitch.

 

I hate the way that Im being made to think this is MY fault. Another blow to my already low self esteem 'he didnt call because he didnt want to'.

 

Well I cannot get my head round it, how he could be calling me one minute and not the next. Liking me one minute and not the next.

 

What a headf***

 

:(

[jj33]

HB at this point I am out.

 

If you dont see that this is NOT new hope and that this man should NEVER have left you hanging for all this time, then nothing I can say here in cyberspace is going to help.

 

Its not that he likes you one minute and doesnt the next - its that he is a b*stard and toys with your feelings and treats you like dirt.

 

Noone is making this YOUR fault. The only problem with you is that you are in denial. You are holding onto a fantasy.

 

 

I hope you are going to counselling and you get past this in time.

 

Take good care

[jj33]

One last clarification - knowing his family has left and he hasnt emailed you in HOW LONG? is supposed to tell you that he is not sincere.

 

Yet you keep making excuses upon excuses upon excuses.

 

If you continue to excuse his behavior regardless of how bad it is (and this is VERY BAD) then nothing anyone is going to say will make a difference.

 

It just feeds your fantasy and your obsession.

[WinterLand]

It doesnt make sense - either someone wants you or they dont.

 

Feelings cannot be switched on and off like a lightswitch.

 

Feelings? ha ha ha

 

You really think he has "feelings" for you? You're just an object to stroke his ego.

 

Maybe he moved back to the US with them. Maybe he found another OW. Maybe he want to be faithful to his wife. Those are not important. The important part is that currently, he has no USE of you at this moment, while you're deperately waiting and hoping and wishing/dreaming that he has "feelings" for you.

[OldEurope]

HB

 

This is all very "simple".

 

If he wants you, he will COME AFTER YOU. And this means more than a damn phone call, excuse me.

 

Secondly, men do NOT respect women who hang around pining for them. Come on, you must have picked up on this by now, in our world, all what you have seen and heard of and personally experienced. This never changes.

 

Go about your life with a sense of purpose and if he comes around, he comes around, if not, you are in a much much much better place having repaired your self esteem which you urgently need to do.

 

A man will NOT love a woman who does not respect herself.

 

Myspace, this space, that space, this country, that phone call, this text, that email. Who cares. If a man wants a woman he PURSUES her and he treats her with RESPECT. Yes, every man and every situation allows for mistakes, flub ups, late arrivals, etc etc. But not after such a story like this. Not with this much emotional pain. Not with this now-you-see 'em now-you-don't craziness. Just stop.

 

Go learn Chinese. Clean out your wardrobe. Get up an hour earlier and jog. DO something and become a human again. You have one go at it, my dear, in this life. Don't you dare waste it

 

OE

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I feel so bad that this is even frustrating people on here.

 

I do not mean to make peoples blood boil - but my best friend and my sisters will no longer discuss it either so I do understand how people cannot bear to watch this train wreck any longer. Which just makes me more and more alone in this. I wish I could just wave a magic wand and everything be ok.

[JeezLouise]

It is SO incredibly EASY to be in contact with people on a global basis in the world today.

 

He has been over a MONTH without contacting you in any sort of meaningful way (oh be still my heart! He asked me to be a friend on a bogus MySpace page!).

 

What about that says "Love"? "Commitment"? "RESPECT"? "Care"? "Desire"? "Teensy Weensy Bit of Compassion For Another Human Being That He Is Destroying By His Thoughtlessness And Carelessness"?

[whichwayisup]

Just because they are back home now, doesn't mean that the marriage is 'over.' It could be the kids hated where they were living and for the kids sake, his wife moved them back home..

 

Anyway, thinking he has another OW is only going to do more damage to you. Whatever his reasons are for not contacting you, it screams that he needs to be alone. Things change and who knows what is truly going on inside his head, between them.

 

Heart, please try to detach and live your life without him in it. I know you're hurting, disappointed and feel let down - But it doesn't have to be this way if you take control.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

HB

 

This is all very "simple".

 

If he wants you, he will COME AFTER YOU. And this means more than a damn phone call, excuse me.

 

Secondly, men do NOT respect women who hang around pining for them. Come on, you must have picked up on this by now, in our world, all what you have seen and heard of and personally experienced. This never changes.

 

Go about your life with a sense of purpose and if he comes around, he comes around, if not, you are in a much much much better place having repaired your self esteem which you urgently need to do.

 

A man will NOT love a woman who does not respect herself.

 

Myspace, this space, that space, this country, that phone call, this text, that email. Who cares. If a man wants a woman he PURSUES her and he treats her with RESPECT. Yes, every man and every situation allows for mistakes, flub ups, late arrivals, etc etc. But not after such a story like this. Not with this much emotional pain. Not with this now-you-see 'em now-you-don't craziness. Just stop.

 

Go learn Chinese. Clean out your wardrobe. Get up an hour earlier and jog. DO something and become a human again. You have one go at it, my dear, in this life. Don't you dare waste it

 

OE

 

This is all so true, I know guys find it a turn off when woman are sitting around waiting for them. When my friends come to me for advice about their relationships (they are probably coming to the wrong place haha!) I always tell them to never hang around waiting for a man, and to play it cool.

 

This is why, when he abandoned me last year I DID move on with my life to some extent - OK so I still loved him. I have never stopped loving him.

 

But the depression lifted after a few months and I started enjoying life again. So despite my feelings for him, I did not contact him. I just left it.

 

And then he came back when I was getting on with things offering me this dream a few weeks ago. I was wary because of what happened before but because of how strongly I feel for him, of course I jumped in the deep end with both feet and said I would go out there to live with him.

 

Now it looks as if he may have disappeared on me again which is just too painful for words.

 

Although I no I shouldnt be - of course Im moping around pining after him at the moment but is it any wonder? If he has abandoned me again then it will take me a while to get over it like it did before but right now I cannot stop feeling this way. This time he put a dream in front of me like a winning lottery ticket. Thats how I feel - like I had the winning numbers and fantasised what my new life would be like with this dream come true, now its probably going to be snatched away from me.

 

Now everything just seems so crap in comparison to what could have been.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Just because they are back home now, doesn't mean that the marriage is 'over.' It could be the kids hated where they were living and for the kids sake, his wife moved them back home..

 

Anyway, thinking he has another OW is only going to do more damage to you. Whatever his reasons are for not contacting you, it screams that he needs to be alone. Things change and who knows what is truly going on inside his head, between them.

 

Heart, please try to detach and live your life without him in it. I know you're hurting, disappointed and feel let down - But it doesn't have to be this way if you take control.

 

But remember he said his marriage was 'done' in the original email he sent to me? And that his wife was a 'bitch from hell' and all that jazz. Although who knows whats really going on here. Like one of my friends said to me 'Heart - you only know one thing for sure about him - and its that he lies'.

 

Therefore if hes a compulsive liar I cannot see the truth for all the lies.

 

However he did tell the truth that they were leaving him - we just dont know if the reason he gave was real.

 

Anyway, thinking he has another OW is only going to do more damage to you. Whatever his reasons are for not contacting you, it screams that he needs to be alone. Things change and who knows what is truly going on inside his head, between them.

 

Yeah - I mean none of us know for sure what has really happened. The idea that he has a new OW is just a possibility.

 

But reading what you just wrote made me think. Even if they have separated he would need time to think and just be on his own you are quite right. Which is why I do not understand why he contacted me immidiately after she arranged to leave! Its like one out, next one in. If this is the case he should have realized he would need time to heal between her leaving and me going out there.

 

If this is true then that maybe why he has given me the silent treatment, he needs time alone to heal between relationships.

 

But none of us know whats really happened. And even if the above is his reason for the lack of contact with me its still no excuse. I mean he could call me and say something like 'Heart, really sorry but Im feeling so awful losing my wife and kids - can you give me some time alone to get my head together and maybe come out to see me in a few months? Perhaps I was too hasty asking you to come asap.'

[jj33]

OK i couldnt resist.

 

HB you are still NOT getting it. It doesnt matter WHY he didnt contact you - you are reading the posts and twisting them as you twist everything to allow yourself to carry on hoping that this will work out.

 

You NEED to sit with the pain. He doesnt share your feelings. Yes you had a dream and now it is gone. Accept that. Be sad if you must. Be depressed it you must.

 

But whatever else you do you need to accept the reality of the facts in front of you and not continue to hold onto the hope only to be laid flat into another depression each time he disappears again.

 

You need to end contact with this guy forever. Being depressed is not the end of the world. You will get past it working with your counsellor. Its far more destructive to deny the reality of the situation and continue to believe that this will work out one day because it wont EVER be what you want it to be.

 

So what if he calls in 3 months time and says come to stay with me. he treats you terribly and that is very unlikely to change.

 

More to the point as WWIU said its more likely that they are back home for some period of time while he finishes his contract. He told you she doesnt like living there.

 

You are allowing yourself to get your hopes up again and if you dont stop yourself, you will only be disappointed again in a few months time.

 

He is no longer keeping you on the roller coaster - you are doing this to yourself. At this point you have sufficient evidence that you know you need to grieve and move on.

[JeezLouise]

It is SO incredibly EASY to be in contact with people on a global basis in the world today.

 

He has been over a MONTH without contacting you in any sort of meaningful way (oh be still my heart! He asked me to be a friend on a bogus MySpace page!).

 

What about that says "Love"? "Commitment"? "RESPECT"? "Care"? "Desire"? "Teensy Weensy Bit of Compassion For Another Human Being That He Is Destroying By His Thoughtlessness And Carelessness"?

 

.............

[jj33]

The other thing HB is that sometimes people love us, but they are so screwed up that they cant treat us properly. The fact that you love someone or he may care for you is not enough to justify putting up with being treated like poo.

 

Maybe this is something that you can explore in counselling. The fact that you continue to believe it is possible to have a relationship with someone who is so callous about the emotional harm he is doing to you is the biggest problem here.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

It is SO incredibly EASY to be in contact with people on a global basis in the world today.

 

He has been over a MONTH without contacting you in any sort of meaningful way (oh be still my heart! He asked me to be a friend on a bogus MySpace page!).

 

What about that says "Love"? "Commitment"? "RESPECT"? "Care"? "Desire"? "Teensy Weensy Bit of Compassion For Another Human Being That He Is Destroying By His Thoughtlessness And Carelessness"?

 

Yeah exactly - theres no excuse not to have contacted me whatever his reason. Sorry I wasnt ignoring you!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

JJ - I think I do get what you mean now. At last.

 

That it doesnt matter what his reason is for not contacting me, or whether he still wants me to go out and stay with him.

 

But its the fact that hes a bad person that I should have no futher contact.

 

And that hes out for himself - he does not care how I feel. As long as hes happy...

 

He does not care who he s***s on to get what he wants.

 

And that he sees the situation differently to how I do.

 

For example if I did go out there to stay with him, I would be dreaming of being his next wife and being a stepmom to his 4 kids, and possibly having a child of our own. He would more than likely be using me for sex on tap and a bit of company while his wifes away.

 

And that even if they HAVE split up for good and are going to divorce, even if I am his next wife - he will continue to treat me like crap.

 

Because thats the way he is.

 

And he wont change now - he turns 50 this year and set in his ways.

[JeezLouise]

Please print your last post, and tape it to your sun visor in your car, on your bathroom mirror, on your computer screen and mirror-print it and tattoo it to your forehead.

 

(He's FIFTY??? With FOUR kids????

 

Do you KNOW what he is going to owe in child support each month? And you are daydreaming about having a FIFTH child with him at his age?)

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

One more thing though (and Im not trying to make excuses for him) but he doesnt know the damage this is doing to me. He doesnt know how I sit crying for hours or that I take it with me everywhere I go and feel I cannot enjoy life when this drama is going on.

 

I dont even think he realized what it did to me last summer. Well he didnt stick around to find out anyway as he did his disappearing act, he only knew I was devastated that he moved out. He did see me cry about it a few times. But he didnt realise that even a few months later I was still suffering and was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress and was going to move to a different town because of him, and that I almost lost my job and at one point felt I couldnt leave my house for fear of bumping into him and/or his wife when they were living here after he abandoned me. He only saw the tip of the iceberg last summer. He would have no idea what it is doing to me this time round.