His Wife Is Leaving and MM Said He Wants To See Me...

[bentnotbroken]

You are right, jj33

 

But heartbroken, you should have hurt him in the wallets a bit..I would tell him to pay for my plane ticket and tell him to wire me some extra cash to live off of..and then just not go. Just bruise his ego a bit.

 

If it were me I wuold have emptied his wallets big time

 

 

Megan you should like you are looking for deep pockets, from where I am from, that's called gold digging.

 

 

This makes me so jealous:rolleyes: I wish a guy would be that eager to have intercourse with me. My ex never had that kind of passion for me

 

 

Now this is just wrong:sick: What I said before about the counseling, I stand by.

 

 

 

heartbroken, I heard you were very distraught about how he broke your heart..did you have to take off from work? Did it affect you financially? If so, did he know about it and what did he do to help you (financially of course).

 

 

What difference does it make. It's almost like you are writing a paper.

[GreenEyedLady]

But I love him very deeply, seriously this is not what it may look like - read my previous threads - Im a genuine person.

 

I am not that sort of girl, I only have sex with men I love and do not believe in one night stands. I can count my number of partners on one hand thank you very much.

 

This is not about using him as a meal ticket, I first fell for him 2 years ago not even knowing how much money he earnt - well actually I still have no idea. Two years on from when we first got to know each other I still feel exactly the same despite trying to move on, I dont often click with people and MM was so special to me - I had never felt that way about anyone.

 

You need to think about what you really want and if you want to go there again...

 

I say look at actions...See what he does...

[sugarmomma]

I think it is fruitless that everyone is trying to convince her not to go when she said in the original post that she hasn't heard anymore from him about setting up the trip.

 

I think this is because he was lying about the whole thing. The fact that he hasn't called should speak volumes. I would bet a dollar to a nickel that he will not call because he never intended for her to come because the W is probably still there.

 

I want to see a post that he returned her call and is setting up her flight arrangements. In the meantime, there is no convincing her not to go.

 

She clearly does not love herself let alone someone else. Her denial is so deep that there isn't much anyone here can say to convince her that what they have is unhealthy and fruitless.

[Billie63]

heartbroken I think what's happened here is the wife and kids did not settle in the new environment and so, wife and mm agreed that she and kids should go home and visit him in the holidays. Also his company probably provides a certain amount of flights each year for him to return home - lots of families live this way.

 

I have known a few men who work in the petro-chemical industry who work abroad while wife stays at home raising the kids - many of those men set up a marriage type relationship with a local woman and lead double lives.

 

I think he panicked at the idea of being on his own out there and contacted you. Maybe now he has calmed down and come to his senses and realised the plan is not fair to you or his wife.

 

Meanwhile, you have moved two steps back - it is very worrying how it will affect you.

 

Sugarmomma is right - there is no debate. His silence speaks volumes. Sorry you've had to go thru this.

[jj33]

Billie you are right on the money with the set up but...

 

I doubt he thought it was unfair to her or his W more likely he took up with one of the locals and so long as that works for him, he'll stick with that. If that falters, then Heartbroken will hear from him again.

[Lucky_One]

heartbroken I think what's happened here is the wife and kids did not settle in the new environment and so, wife and mm agreed that she and kids should go home and visit him in the holidays. Also his company probably provides a certain amount of flights each year for him to return home - lots of families live this way.

 

I have known a few men who work in the petro-chemical industry who work abroad while wife stays at home raising the kids - many of those men set up a marriage type relationship with a local woman and lead double lives.

 

 

His silence speaks volumes, but you won't hear it. As soon as he contacts you with some lame excuse, you will forget that you were ever hurt by him. I can't even believe that you would even want to be with him, after the way he treated you.

 

But, some women love to be mistreated. Some women believe that is all they are worth. Some women believe that all that is important is that some man wants to screw them.

 

You can't afford counselling? That's like partners who say they can't afford marriage counselling - no, what they CAN'T afford is splitting all assets, furnishing two homes and paying for two lawyers. You CAN'T afford to be miserable in a strange country that is not hospitable to single women with no money, no language skills and no self-esteem.

 

There really isn't much point to posting; you aren't listening now, and you won't listen in the future. I wish you luck.

[Lucky_One]

Heartbroken, why did you post this on Other Women/Other Men?

 

Since he is divorcing and offering you an open, committed, relationship, why not post on Marriage & Cohabitation?

 

PS. Some of this speculation is easily found out. Call his wife, covertly. Pretend that you are with some company associated with his field, and ask to speak to him. Ask when he will be home. Or call her openly and say "MM asked me to move to Timbuktu and says that you two are divorcing. I would like to know if this is true before I go there."

[whichwayisup]

Don't you find it odd that this all happened quite fast? Wouldn't YOU feel abit more at ease, if he had called you after he gave himself some time alone, to heal? How can he jump out of a marriage and smack into your arms, pick up where you two left off?

 

There are red flags EVERYWHERE here and Heart, it bugs me that you're wanting to take him back SO FAST. This could be one big fat lie or maybe it's been talked about, but nothing is really final. Who knows? But it desparate on your behalf to jump back into him right now.

 

YOU should call the shots, not him.

[Liquid]

It's not how you perceive the situation, it's how he perceived you. He is willing to pay you and treat you like a hooker. That's all you're to him. To boost his ego, to satisify his need. Do you really think he loves you? He is treating you like he would any hooker, except that you're probably less expensive and less risky in terms of getting STDs.

[2sure]

heartbroken - this is clear as day, and my heart breaks for you.

His wife is leaving to go home with her children while he works abroad. This is not uncommon and doesn't equal divorce.

 

While she and the kids are gone, he invited you to come see him for a month. He invited you specifically because he knows you love him, have not much going for you right now, and because you are vulnerable. No one else fits the bill so perfectly for such a man.

 

You will quit your job with no savings and no prospects. You will go for a month during which you will remain hidden from his co-workers and anyone else who has met his family.

 

After the time is up he will long for freedom again and you will go home to nothing. No house, no job, no money, alone.He will finish the job and return to his family or they will visit again until he does finish.

 

Even if his wife ultimately does divorce him...this guy does not want commitment. He invited you, urgently, to come - all expenses paid!! Even payment for income lost at work...and then, as soon as his family left - he tasted freedom and doesn't bother to call you to tell you he doesn't need company after all. Nevermind. Possibly he has another OW, possibly he realized he doesn't have the money, it doesn't matter.

 

Not only does he not think you are important to him, other than some companionship while he is on his own - but he doesn't bother to think how you may have quit your job, etc. It will never cross his mind what is to happen to you upon your return.

 

I understand you are vulnerable. But you have to protect yourself more than this.

[Owl]

Heartbroken, all he said was that his wife and children were going back to the states. And that she was being a @#$#.

 

He did not say that he'd filed for divorce. He did not say that they were officially seperating pending divorce. He did not say that he and his wife were filing for divorce, nor did I read any mention that they'd discussed divorce in your previous posts.

 

All he said was that his wife and kids wouldn't be there, and he wanted to spend time with you.

 

And while you tried to hold yourself back, you jumped all over it like a bee on a flower.

 

You don't appear to have point blank asked him what the plans were for his marriage. You don't appear to have point blank asked him what his plans for his relationship with you were.

 

What probably happened is that he and his wife were dealing with the normal stress of living in a foreign country, she threatened to take the kids and go home...he saw this as an opportunity to bring you over as his mistress....and then bang she decides she wants to stay and work on the marriage rather than seperate the family.

 

I've seen tons of families go through this same cycle of distress due to overseas deployments.

 

Rather than see it from that perspective, you allowed your fantasy of what life could be like with this guy cloud your judgement...and you jumped when he called.

 

But he couldn't follow through because his wife changed the situation on him...and so he lost his chance to have his mistress living in the other country with him.

 

That's all he's lost out on...so don't think for a minute he's devestated by this change of plans. It's a setback for him...nothing more.

 

For you, given how you suddenly got your hopes up...and how you didn't ask the right questions...it's a world-shattering event...again.

 

This cycle is going to continue for as long as you accept ANY contact with him.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

While she and the kids are gone, he invited you to come see him for a month. He invited you specifically because he knows you love him, have not much going for you right now, and because you are vulnerable. No one else fits the bill so perfectly for such a man.[/quote]

 

No he did actually say he wanted me to come for as long as I could - between 3-6 months or more. I just think that surely his wife couldnt be without him for THAT long if the marriage was normal? Also what about not seeing his kids? How could someone go for 6 months to a year or whatever without seeing his kids?! I just find it hard to believe that this is amicable. Mind you he emailed me all this towards the end of March, they alledgedly 'left' on the 22nd of April - I guess if things had been that bad she would haverushed back home sooner than that and not dragged it out for another few weeks.

 

When he was a roommate with me due to working away from home weekdays his wife and family moved to this town after over 1 year of him living under the same roof as me, they lived here for just 6 months then ultimately moved to this foreign city! Now why uproot the kids and everything for the sake of spending 6 months with him here if they knew they were imminently going overseas?! It does not make any sense and her wanting to be with him must have played a part. What Im trying to say is - she wouldnt now come all the way back to this country after all that if it was amicable between them do you see what I mean? It would have been pointless moving the kids AGAIN only to come back here. They must be very unsettled.

 

After the time is up he will long for freedom again and you will go home to nothing. No house, no job, no money, alone.He will finish the job and return to his family or they will visit again until he does finish.

I did wonder what would happen (if I even do go there to see him) after the visit is over - I would like to think we would make a go of it in this country but I have no idea what his intentions are as he has been very vague by not calling me and even when we did speak on the phone it was brief which is just frustrating beyond belief. Obviously if we spoke in detail I would ask him all these sorts of things.

 

as soon as his family left - he tasted freedom and doesn't bother to call you to tell you he doesn't need company after all. Nevermind. Possibly he has another OW, possibly he realized he doesn't have the money, it doesn't matter.

Anything could be possible with this situation, I just have no idea because he has not called. I guess its only been under 2 weeks since they were meant to have 'left' so still early days, he will hopefully call at some point but hes spoiled things now and got off to a very bad start and severely upset me AGAIN and pissed me off, therefore I will not be bubbly and friendly when he finally feels like calling. But this time surely he cant NOT call? He cannot possibly just leave things in mid air like this can he?! In the email I sent him on Sunday night I did stress to him that after his track record last summer I will not hang around for weeks/months waiting for his call.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Heartbroken, all he said was that his wife and children were going back to the states. And that she was being a @#$#.

 

He did not say that he'd filed for divorce. He did not say that they were officially seperating pending divorce. He did not say that he and his wife were filing for divorce, nor did I read any mention that they'd discussed divorce in your previous posts.

 

All he said was that his wife and kids wouldn't be there, and he wanted to spend time with you.

 

And while you tried to hold yourself back, you jumped all over it like a bee on a flower.

 

 

 

 

I've seen tons of families go through this same cycle of distress due to overseas deployments.

 

Rather than see it from that perspective, you allowed your fantasy of what life could be like with this guy cloud your judgement...and you jumped when he called.

 

But he couldn't follow through because his wife changed the situation on him...and so he lost his chance to have his mistress living in the other country with him.

 

That's all he's lost out on...so don't think for a minute he's devestated by this change of plans. It's a setback for him...nothing more.

 

For you, given how you suddenly got your hopes up...and how you didn't ask the right questions...it's a world-shattering event...again.

 

This cycle is going to continue for as long as you accept ANY contact with him.

 

 

Hey Owl,

 

You don't appear to have point blank asked him what the plans were for his marriage. You don't appear to have point blank asked him what his plans for his relationship with you were.

Of course I would have asked about what his future plans were with me/his marriage etc had I been given the chance - I was going to do just that when he called me on Skype but the call never came. When he emailed me in the first instance it was the first thing I wanted to know but thought it more appropriate to discuss it over the phone rather than email so I could get immediate answers and, well its just better over the phone isnt it?

 

What probably happened is that he and his wife were dealing with the normal stress of living in a foreign country, she threatened to take the kids and go home...he saw this as an opportunity to bring you over as his mistress....and then bang she decides she wants to stay and work on the marriage rather than seperate the family.

If the reason he has not called is because they have decided to work things out then why contact me and get my hopes up if there was a chance that could happen? Why not wait until she had gone and things were final BEFORE getting in touch with me???

Now if this is true he will shatter my world once again. He has put me in a cruel dream world and hes probably about to snatch it away from me after waving it in front of my face, or just leave it and not call me again for months. I just cannot take it.

[Owl]

Hey Owl,

 

 

Of course I would have asked about what his future plans were with me/his marriage etc had I been given the chance - I was going to do just that when he called me on Skype but the call never came. When he emailed me in the first instance it was the first thing I wanted to know but thought it more appropriate to discuss it over the phone rather than email so I could get immediate answers and, well its just better over the phone isnt it?

 

I would agree...but given how suspect his actions have been in the past, these should have been the very first things you asked him before you allowed him to get your hopes up at all. Point blank, in his face, unavoidable. Make sense?

 

If the reason he has not called is because they have decided to work things out then why contact me and get my hopes up if there was a chance that could happen? Why not wait until she had gone and things were final BEFORE getting in touch with me???

Now if this is true he will shatter my world once again. He has put me in a cruel dream world and hes probably about to snatch it away from me after waving it in front of my face, or just leave it and not call me again for months. I just cannot take it.

 

He thought he'd get away with it...he probably did believe that his wife was leaving the country...she may have been planning that at the time.

 

And he probably jumped all over the idea that would let him get his mistress living within reach again.

 

It didn't matter to him if it might fall through or not...once you were there, you'd stay...and he'd be right back to having BOTH...marriage and mistress...once again.

 

You're trying to equate his invitation to you with the disintegration of his marriage...but the two are NOT intertwined.

 

He thought he was going to have an opportunity to bring you over...but something happened to change his plans. It was a chance to continue the affair without detection from his wife...and nothing more.

 

His invitation to you had nothing to do with him divorcing his wife. It was simply a chance to continue the affair. It was not an affirmation of undying love and a solidification of your relationship...nor the end of his marriage. He INSINUATED such to you...led you to jump to that conclusion, because he knew that's what it would take to get you to resume the affair.

 

You need to stop and recognize...his lack of response for TWO weeks tells you where you are in his heart...in his list of priorities.

 

Last.

 

This is just one more example of why you need to break things off with him completely.

[2sure]

If the reason he has not called is because they have decided to work things out then why contact me and get my hopes up if there was a chance that could happen? Why not wait until she had gone and things were final BEFORE getting in touch with me???

Now if this is true he will shatter my world once again. He has put me in a cruel dream world and hes probably about to snatch it away from me after waving it in front of my face, or just leave it and not call me again for months. I just cannot take it.

 

Because HE DOESNT CARE THAT MUCH!

And at some point, after all he has put you through already - YOU have to realize that he is only doing to you what you allow.

[Owl]

Because HE DOESNT CARE THAT MUCH!

And at some point, after all he has put you through already - YOU have to realize that he is only doing to you what you allow.

 

And he's only doing it to get what he wants...which is NOT the same as what you want.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I would agree...but given how suspect his actions have been in the past, these should have been the very first things you asked him before you allowed him to get your hopes up at all. Point blank, in his face, unavoidable. Make sense?

[/quote]

Yeah I know, and this is why I tried not to show him how excited I was - when he emailed I would leave it days before I replied, also the few times he did call me I pretended to be busy (although that was not why we didnt spend long on the phone, he didnt want to spend ages calling abroad on his cell so the calls were only about 10 minutes long). He did keep promising me this long detailed Skype call so we could talk properly but he kept putting it off over and over until he said he would just wait until the family left on the 22nd. Now obviously Im still waiting for the call, and when he first got in contact at the end of March I actually wrote myself a list of questions to ask him when we spoke properly.

 

You're trying to equate his invitation to you with the disintegration of his marriage...but the two are NOT intertwined.

His invitation to you had nothing to do with him divorcing his wife. It was simply a chance to continue the affair. It was not an affirmation of undying love and a solidification of your relationship...nor the end of his marriage. He INSINUATED such to you...led you to jump to that conclusion, because he knew that's what it would take to get you to resume the affair.

 

Well yeah I did automatically think it meant he was separating from her properly and perhaps divorcing as well. He hadnt contacted me for months prior to this new situation and I thought he was genuine that after all this time he wanted me. We have not even seen each other face to face since July last year! And I felt so flattered becuase out of everyone he chose of me, he called me and invited me there instead of just hooking up with a local girl in this city. I understand that this may be a possibility now though, he may have started an A with an other OW out there but no one knows.

 

 

You need to stop and recognize...his lack of response for TWO weeks tells you where you are in his heart...in his list of priorities.

Last.

This is just one more example of why you need to break things off with him completely

 

 

I wish it was that easy to just block all contact completely. If Im honest I did not change my email and cell number because I always hoped that one day he would contact me, although I did not expect this! I just cannot stop loving him, although to you guys on LS you will just not understand why as he causes me so much pain. I sometimes feel like hes got me under a spell or something because no matter how hard I try I just cannot move on from him. I just love him more than I have any man ever. The chemistry with him has been unlike no other and I have never clicked with someone so much. Believe it or not, everything was very good between us before we started a physical affair - he was my rock and we had a very deep friendship and strong bond. I felt so close to him soon after we first met. My feelings are genuine, and I have a very hard time moving on from this. It just hurts so bad.

[Owl]

You will ALWAYS have a "hard time moving on from all of this" if you're still leaving the door open for him.

 

It won't get any better UNTIL you take active measures to remove him from your life.

 

It's that simple.

 

You've never truly taken steps to end the affair...you've never truly given up, and TRIED to move on.

 

You've always maintained the HOPE that he'd come back.

 

He did...and look at how wonderfully that turned out!

 

HB...there isn't anything that any of us can do for you while you continue to fight the advice you've been given over and over and over.

 

If you want the situation to change....then you need to change.

 

Until that happens...just plan on staying in the same miserable state you've been in.

 

Sorry if that's harsh...but it's honest. Those really are your only two options as I see them.

 

The third would be to just show up...tell him you don't care if he's with his wife or not...you're ready and willing to be his mistress forever, with no other expectations.

 

Your call.

[MeaganRaye]

Don't want to hijack the thread but I feel like a few posters are being very mean, acting like it's okay to attack me because they don't agree with my views on relationships and other things. It is not okay, and its best to stop using me as a target to insult

[whichwayisup]

If the reason he has not called is because they have decided to work things out then why contact me and get my hopes up if there was a chance that could happen? Why not wait until she had gone and things were final BEFORE getting in touch with me???

 

Safety net. He wanted to feel out the situation, see where your head was at. Now he knows he can get whatever he wants from you (IE you running to him, leaving YOUR life to be with him)..

 

Things more than likely AREN'T final. Who knows the truth? Maybe his kids are just plain miserable and wanted to go home. Maybe things are FINE between him and his wife, he just told you that it wasn't..Hook, line and sinker.

[jj33]

You dont even know that they have "worked things out".

 

More likely W and kids went home and he is amusing himself with the local girls.... its easy enough to do and in a very poor country populated by beautiful women all around, well you know what happens.

 

The bottom line is he has NO Excuse not to have contacted you. The fact that he let you hang for 2 weeks means either (1) you block his skype and his number or (2) if you do pick up, then you give him hell when he calls, and never speak to him again.

 

There is NO spin that can be put on this that leads to happily ever after or even a chance of happily ever after.

[Owl]

Don't want to hijack the thread but I feel like a few posters are being very mean, acting like it's okay to attack me because they don't agree with my views on relationships and other things. It is not okay, and its best to stop using me as a target to insult

 

Then don't threadjack...start your own thread to discuss how you feel about these posters.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

You will ALWAYS have a "hard time moving on from all of this" if you're still leaving the door open for him.

 

It won't get any better UNTIL you take active measures to remove him from your life.

 

You've never truly taken steps to end the affair...you've never truly given up, and TRIED to move on.

 

HB...there isn't anything that any of us can do for you while you continue to fight the advice you've been given over and over and over.

 

If you want the situation to change....then you need to change.

 

Until that happens...just plan on staying in the same miserable state you've been in.

 

Your call.

 

Owl I understand your frustration at me failing to cut him out completely but its just so hard when you love someone this much. Believe me I do not like being mistreated - I want to be happy and this man is the only person I love like this - if we were together I would be over the moon.

 

And I guess I like to kid myself - to give myself false hope that 'one day he will realize'.

 

When he contacted me this time round I honestly felt that he had decided he wanted to be with me. I was over excited and extatically happy for a few weeks - in fact I barely slept due to being so hyped up at the prospect of us being together as a proper couple.

 

It would be too depressing for words if he does take this dream away from me.

 

But theres still time, although not sure how long I will leave him to call me before giving up completely. I guess moving on will be harder if he doesnt call, like unfinished business. At least if he contacts me and is honest I can tell him a few home truths and not to ever contact me ever again. But if he leaves things in mid air like this and just says nothing then how can I move forward? And if his circumstances HAVE changed then why cant he just call me and have the decency to tell me? Surely he cant NOT call this time - he has to let me know either way.

[Owl]

Then plan on remaining miserable and heartbroken for the forseeable future.

 

Learn to accept it...make the best of it.

 

Because...and it's important you realize this...this is exactly what you're VOLUNTEERING TO DO by choosing to leave the door open.

 

Good luck to you.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

More likely W and kids went home and he is amusing himself with the local girls.... its easy enough to do and in a very poor country populated by beautiful women all around, well you know what happens.

I mentioned this theory to a friend I saw last week and she thinks this is very unlikely...in a city full of hotties he would not be considered a catch in her opinion. That his age would not make woman look twice. She said hes only handsome and sexy in MY eyes, and that the average woman would not look twice at him. JJ do you mean he could be paying woman for sex there? Visiting escorts and having a hedonistic time???

 

The bottom line is he has NO Excuse not to have contacted you. The fact that he let you hang for 2 weeks means either (1) you block his skype and his number or (2) if you do pick up, then you give him hell when he calls, and never speak to him again

Dont you worry JJ - despite how I long for him, if/when he does call I will shout at him and demand answers to my questions. He will not get away with it this time. He has taken the piss out of me and humiliated me enough.