Author AlektraClementine Posted May 16, 2009 Author Share Posted May 16, 2009 That's the way to do it!! I'm really proud of you Alektra! No b/sing around. You dealt with the OM, letting him know in a respectful way, that things couldn't continue and you fessed up to your b/f, also letting him know that the relationship issues need to be addressed. I hope other members learn from this thread. Be assertive, cut through all the static and deal with it, don't just ignore it. Thank you. I appreciate the vote of confidence. I think the thing that plagues most people is the fear of confrontation. It's completely natural to fear it and completely natural to take your time getting strong enough to deal with life in a no-nonsense way. Thing is, life gets easier when you weed out all the muck. It's still work though. On a smaller scale, it's kind of like doing a load of really crusty, dirty dishes. You look at them for a day or two just not wanting to deal with it. Because it requires work. And extra work if you think about 2 day old food you have to scrape away at. Once it's done, it's done though. And the picture is muuuch prettier. I like metaphors. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 Had a chat with Other Man letting him know that things were getting too close for comfort and that while it "seemed" innocent, I had to respect my relationship. Anything my boyfriend would find inappropriate, is and that quite frankly, I found it inappropriate as well. Told him I needed to chill out the friendship for a while. He actually responded quite positively. Professed a deep respect for me, my boyfriend, and my relationship and while he acknowledged an attraction for me beyond the friendship, he understood and respected my need to cease contact. You say you need to chill out on the "friendship for a while". But he expresses an attraction for you beyond friendship. So with that being said, I hate to say it, but you cannot be friends with him in the kind of way that allows you to hang out together. You cannot be "friends" with a man that wants you. We decided that we need to focus on our lives and the issues that need to be addressed before an engagement. i.e. trust, stability, and what sort of things we are looking for in a lifelong commitment and determine the compatibility of those things. very good idea. as long as you can handle not being in the frequent company of this other man without your bf, you two should make it if the other issues are addressed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlektraClementine Posted May 16, 2009 Author Share Posted May 16, 2009 You say you need to chill out on the "friendship for a while". But he expresses an attraction for you beyond friendship. So with that being said, I hate to say it, but you cannot be friends with him in the kind of way that allows you to hang out together. You cannot be "friends" with a man that wants you. very good idea. as long as you can handle not being in the frequent company of this other man without your bf, you two should make it if the other issues are addressed. Thanks Dexter, for all of your sound advice. I find that it's been very valuable. I really think I'm pulling through this. I'm seeing the OM in a different light now and the attraction is gone. My boyfriend has also made some very important changes in the last few weeks. He has opened up a lot regarding our future. Opened up about his fears and vulnerabilities. As have I. Before, it was very hard for me to understand where he was coming from and what he wanted. It's been a task for him but he understands that in order for me to see a future with him, I MUST know what his goals are for his life. I spoke before about his father and brother being cut from that same cloth. He had a conversation with his father in which his father said that his mother prolonged their engagement due to the poor communication aspect. He's taken huge strides to correct this cycle and we have both admitted that certain friendships with the opposite sex serve only to hurt our relationship. I have been working hard to appreciate his love for me. The man is truly fantastic and takes great care to cater to my desires. Not something most women can boast about. I am a lucky girl. What I've learned is that running away from my issues with BF by looking at the so-called "greener grass" is a cop out and I've also learned that the "greener grass" is a facade. What I have with BF is so much greater and more valuable than someone who looks and talks good. I'm using the guilt I feel to motivate me into becoming a better girlfriend. Again, thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 he understood and respected my need to cease contact. Did you miss this Dexter? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlektraClementine Posted May 16, 2009 Author Share Posted May 16, 2009 Did you miss this Dexter? I'm sure Dexter is hung up on the "for a while" thing. Dexter is very strict and very granular. But, I respect that. Not that I have intentions of adopting his every notion or idea but I know where he's coming from and his advice at least offers another perspective and things to consider. Indeed, the OM and I have had zero contact and truth be told, I've no desire to rekindle the friendship. Too many other important things to focus on. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 I'm sure Dexter is hung up on the "for a while" thing. yup, the "for a while" thing was suspect. And the "chill out" part. Should have read the "friendship" needs to "cease". because it isn't a friendship. Indeed, the OM and I have had zero contact and truth be told, I've no desire to rekindle the friendship. Too many other important things to focus on. thats good, because one or both "friends" that have designs on one another is not a friendship. And any contact with each other undermines any current committed relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted May 25, 2009 Share Posted May 25, 2009 You are absolutely right. The trick is figuring out how. What makes you think you can? It's possible you just aren't suited to monogamy. IMO you need to be 100% sure you want to be with your bf, otherwise temptation will always be hard to resist in future, even if you get past this other guy now. It's good you came clean though, kudos for that! Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlektraClementine Posted May 26, 2009 Author Share Posted May 26, 2009 Thanks for the reply MT. I agree with your logic. The only response I have is this: BF and I were experiencing some serious issues related to communication that have since been resolved as close to perfectly as I could have possibly imagined. I love him dearly. Our relationship has gotten so freaking good since this whole debacle. We talk. We share. Everything from happiness to fear. He's putting in 100% and so am I. I also think that if one holds themselves accountable for their thoughts and actions, they might just stand a chance to turn things around. This behavior was VERY unlike me. Instead of giving in or even at the very least kept it a secret from everyone involved...I confronted it. I have felt such tremendous guilt. I don't want to feel that again. I appreciate your thoughts. Believe me, I get it. Link to post Share on other sites
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