Attracted to Another Man

[Trialbyfire]

Why is it that we have to go through such an emotional process to come to a very simple decision? It's wrong=stop. Weed out all the muck in between.

But that's exactly the process that should happen upfront and is potentially your lifelong solution. The minute you start to experience ANY attraction, is the minute you start restricting contact or if you're able to, shut down the interest. If you do it enough times, it will become a healthy reflex action for when you're in a committed relationship.

[lkjh]

I think that what you have is natural. I am married and still "look" at other men and do have naughty thoughts of what I would do with that man. Anyway, if you are sincere about being with your boyfriend/fiance' long term then I would focus on him and absolutely stay away from the other man. Avoidance is not the answer but it is a start. Also if you do love and care about your man, then I don't think you would have issues correcting those bad thoughts you have. Start thinking about your future, think about the kids you might have and how many, think about where you want to live, etc..etc.. There are so many other things to think about for you and your man. I hope this helps you somehow.

 

It may work but the motivations are all selfish. What happens 30 years down the road when she doesnt have kids and a family to look forward to. Her bf should not be treated as a means to get what she wants.

 

I think you should stop pushing him for marriage if you cant even stay faithful(EA not PA).

[AlektraClementine]

Kudos to all of you who never experience attraction to other people while in a relationship. Really, you are to be commended.

 

I however, came here for advice as to how to stop the attraction. But I somehow get the sense, especially from the previous poster that addressing a problem before I end up in bed with another man is no better than just going to bed with him. What's the difference?

 

Excuse me, but I can stay faithful. Remaining faithful wouldn't be necessary if we were never tempted. It wouldn't be a promise we needed to make. This is something new for me and it has caught me off guard. I think I'm catching the signals way earlier than some people do and am making an earnest effort to stop what is going on. I love my boyfriend and really do want to fix this.

 

I will not be continuing the friendship with this other man and in fact, have not spoken to him at all since the day he said what he said and I don't intend to.

 

Honestly, I realize this is an anonymous message board and it's a free country. Anyone can say what they wish. I just get so frustrated with the High and Mighties around here. Loveshack last I checked was not a place for the perfect people to swarm and judge. It is a place for advice and sharing concerns.

[AlektraClementine]

But that's exactly the process that should happen upfront and is potentially your lifelong solution. The minute you start to experience ANY attraction, is the minute you start restricting contact or if you're able to, shut down the interest. If you do it enough times, it will become a healthy reflex action for when you're in a committed relationship.

 

Agreed. What I mean by emotional process, was that another poster suggested that I didn't feel badly enough for their taste. I say, who cares? If there's a problem, you fix it. Should I wait until I do enough to really feel bad about or just nip it in the bud.

 

By the way, this is not a typical issue for me. This is a first. Until now, I had eyes for only him.

[AlektraClementine]

I don't see anything in your post that warrants bashing. You're not to blame for your feelings, or for becoming attracted to somebody else. That happens.

 

What you are responsible for -- and you seem to have realized this -- is what you do with that attraction. I'm glad to see that you're going through all this introspection now, before you've done something very damaging. Most people don't do that until they've already cheated. I commend you for your strength.

 

I do think, however, that you probably need to not see the friend anymore. If you want to fix your marriage, you have to be able to focus on that completely, without distractions from somebody else you're attracted to. Unfortunately, having that other guy in your life is incompatible with fixing your troubled marriage, and will only cloud things.

 

I wish you the best....

 

Thank you. I appreciate that. I am indeed curtailing the friendship with other man.

[Trialbyfire]

Agreed. What I mean by emotional process, was that another poster suggested that I didn't feel badly enough for their taste. I say, who cares? If there's a problem, you fix it. Should I wait until I do enough to really feel bad about or just nip it in the bud.

 

By the way, this is not a typical issue for me. This is a first. Until now, I had eyes for only him.

Then I do agree that you stop all contact with this man, if at all possible. Also, if he tries to approach you in any way, shut him down. Don't admit your feelings to him. This is how many, many, many affairs and cheating begins, the acknowledgement to mutual attraction.

[AlektraClementine]

Then I do agree that you stop all contact with this man, if at all possible. Also, if he tries to approach you in any way, shut him down. Don't admit your feelings to him. This is how many, many, many affairs and cheating begins, the acknowledgement to mutual attraction.

 

Absolutely. That's the "in", so to speak.

 

I won't mention a thing. Luckily, we aren't emotionally connected and I don't think it'll will be too terribly difficult to get this over with.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter,

 

With all do respect, I read your responses and this is typical of your advice. It is your right to prefer a certain type of woman. This isn't the case for all men so unless you have other advice other than "break up with him", I'm really not interested.

 

This isn't the case for all men? You mean you think he'd like knowing you want another man? Hmmm....well ask him and see.

 

Of course you aren't interested in breaking up with him. You want your cake and eat it too.

 

Bottom line, if you aren't going to be true to him, why wouldn't you break up? Is there something he has done to deserve someone untrue like you?

[Dexter Morgan]

To Carhill:

 

Do you think it wise to share these feelings with my boyfriend? If so, what possible hurdles am I looking at and what is the benefit to the relationship?

 

Why wouldn't you share those feelings with him? If I am so way off base as you'd like to believe, then if you tell him...he should understand and not be angry.....right? So lay the cards on the table and see if you won the hand. but dont just tell him you have an attraction...tell him what you told us. Or hell, let him read these posts.

 

Or, simply stop your obsession with the other guy and focus on your bf.

 

But again, if you keep obsessing over this other guy, and you neglect your R, then your bf deserves to be able to move on.

[Woggle]

I would dump him because you have the makings of a future walkaway wife. Down the road things will be less than perfect and you will have feelings for another man causing you to give the I love you but I am not in love with you speech. I would just spare his heart right now so he can move on with his life.

[Dexter Morgan]

I think that what you have is natural. I am married and still "look" at other men and do have naughty thoughts of what I would do with that man.

 

But she is doing more than looking...she is letting it affect her relationship. She is obsessed with another guy and is neglecting her relationship because of it.

[Dexter Morgan]

I would dump him because you have the makings of a future walkaway wife. Down the road things will be less than perfect and you will have feelings for another man causing you to give the I love you but I am not in love with you speech. I would just spare his heart right now so he can move on with his life.

 

Exactly what I thought. If she is letting this bring her R down...whats going to stop her from cheating later on when things get really stale?

[Dexter Morgan]

Then I read this:

 

Thank you. I appreciate that. I am indeed curtailing the friendship with other man.

 

 

glad to hear it. nothing good would come from being friends with a man you are way too attracted to.

 

now go make up for lost time with your bf. go on a weekend getaway somewhere.

[lkjh]

Look you can get angry and brush this off as natural if you want, but the reason I said you are not being faithful is because you are not. You said you were attracted to this guy and inappropriate things were said. You two have already spoken about almost being set up earlier. You said earlier you wanted to keep him as a friend. Now you have made a good choice in cutting him off. But the point is you started getting attached to this guy when things were getting rough with your BF, I still think you should stop the wedding talk until you are ready. I do not think you have cheated in the sense of a physical affair but you have certainly invested your feelings in another man. Life will be filled with tough situations and if you continue to look towards other men, you will destroy your future with any man.

 

Look I don't think you have ruined your relationship but you are certainly doing something wrong. You need to recognize this instead of getting angry at everyone who disagrees with you. YES being attracted to other people is natural but pursuing it in any form is wrong. Even if he is just a "friend".

[Dexter Morgan]

Look you can get angry and brush this off as natural if you want, but the reason I said you are not being faithful is because you are not. You said you were attracted to this guy and inappropriate things were said. You two have already spoken about almost being set up earlier.

 

exactly. so even though nothing happened, she DID act on her attraction in that way.

 

Now its a moot point because she since has decided that she will not be friends with the guy.

 

but I have to wonder, and this is a question to Alektra....are you going to tell this other guy the story and why you cannot canoodle with him any longer?

 

Or are you just going to avoid him?

 

 

But the point is you started getting attached to this guy when things were getting rough with your BF, I still think you should stop the wedding talk until you are ready.

 

I agree. if not, there WILL be a repeat occurence down the road with the next guy she is highly attracted to.

 

 

YES being attracted to other people is natural but pursuing it in any form is wrong. Even if he is just a "friend".

 

Exactly. Look, but don't touch. Look, but don't talk about the attraction and set the stage for a possible affair.

[AlektraClementine]

To Dexter -

 

As of yet, I haven't been confronted by the other man. If it comes to it, I am comfortable with explaining the situation.

 

To clarify - when he acknowledged the nature of our first meeting, I did not indicate a reciprocation of feelings. Here's how it went.

 

Him - Wanna hear something amusing? When our friend introduced us, it was intended to be a fix up. She didn't know about (BF). Funny huh.

 

Me - Funny. Must have been uncomfortable for you. Well, that's life I suppose.

 

End of discussion.

 

He dropped it there since I gave him no "come hither" vibe. And I gave him no indication of how that actually made me feel. I have been extremely careful during my conversations with him and make sure to mention my relationship a lot in a positive light. In other words, my language and actions with him don't reflect how I actually feel.

 

At any rate.. here is my dilemma. Perhaps you can help. Thanks, by the way for taking a more understanding approach in your last few replies. I appreciate it.

 

I started a book club a while back. It's a successful one and I've got a good 12 or so people involved in it, the other man being one of those members. How do I proceed with my decision to curb the friendship?

 

Honestly, starting this thread and receiving feedback has been a huge help. I am not struggling with this attraction as much and I am really focusing on my boyfriend. Thank you to all who have contributed. Admitting that this was going on in my life to people has been majorly influential in helping me to overcome it.

 

[Dexter Morgan]

To Dexter -

 

As of yet, I haven't been confronted by the other man. If it comes to it, I am comfortable with explaining the situation.

 

If you are going to sever ties with the OM, and your bf means everything to you, then you should have no problem going to the OM, explaining the situation, and make sure its nipped in the bud from the get go.

 

 

To clarify - when he acknowledged the nature of our first meeting, I did not indicate a reciprocation of feelings. Here's how it went.

 

Him - Wanna hear something amusing? When our friend introduced us, it was intended to be a fix up. She didn't know about (BF). Funny huh.

 

Me - Funny. Must have been uncomfortable for you. Well, that's life I suppose.

 

End of discussion.

 

You said you have flirted with him...that is reciprocation whether you want to believe it or not. Flirting is showing an interest in someone...showing that you are attracted to them.

 

 

He dropped it there since I gave him no "come hither" vibe. And I gave him no indication of how that actually made me feel. I have been extremely careful during my conversations with him and make sure to mention my relationship a lot in a positive light. In other words, my language and actions with him don't reflect how I actually feel.

 

Ok, then what were the flirtations all about? Batting your eyes at him? Laughing at every stupid thing he might say? Touching him on the arm or leg while lauging?

 

 

 

At any rate.. here is my dilemma. Perhaps you can help. Thanks, by the way for taking a more understanding approach in your last few replies. I appreciate it.

 

Well you did the right thing, however nipping it with this guy should be done rather than simply avoiding him.

 

 

I started a book club a while back. It's a successful one and I've got a good 12 or so people involved in it, the other man being one of those members. How do I proceed with my decision to curb the friendship?

 

I don't know. I don't know the nature of this club. You can tell him that in the club, you talk about the books, but as far as hanging out with him in any other social setting, that is out. Just tell him after he revealed what he did, that it would be inappropriate for you to have any social contact with him otherwise you'd be disrespecting your bf.

[AlektraClementine]

You're right. I should take the initiative to explain the reason I am no longer chatting with him on a daily basis.

 

To answer your question about the type of flirting going on, I can only explain it by saying that I know myself. I know how I act when I like someone. I initiated messenger conversations with him. Yes, laughed at stupid things he said and made a special effort (with girlfriends tagging along) to go and see his band.

 

I have also taken my boyfriend to see his band and introduced the two of them. Which at the time, I thought was a way to not make my relationship with the other man a secret. Now, I realize that all along, it was an attempt to cover my ass. Shameful.

 

I really do need to share this information with my boyfriend. How will he react? Not sure. I am hoping for an understanding reaction. As I said previously, we had issues with him (BF) earlier in the relationship where he had some very inappropriate friendships with a couple of women. Those issues were dealt with because I called him out for it. Hopefully, he will recollect this. Not that it makes me right, but perhaps he will see it with understanding.

 

To those of you who suggest that we should put the marriage talks on hold....You're absolutely right. Not the time for it. We have other things to work on.

[lkjh]

I think the best thing for you to do is just avoid him. If you are in a group make it a point to not talk to him. Don't be a b**** but keep as little contact as possible. The reason he brought up the thing about being set up with you was to see your reaction. If you try to explain the situation to him, he may think you want more from him

[daisybabe]

I know exactly how you are feeling. But my story continues what might happen to you if things dont change. My boy and I were dating long distance for about 9 months (seeing eachother for about a week at a time every month) but things were starting to get worse. I was having trouble with depression, family problems, and I was feeling increasingly distant from him. I felt like I needed more attention from him and I wasn't getting it. He had stopped calling me beautiful or just noting how pretty I am at random intervals. We were even discussing taking a break but both couldn't bear the thought of having the other be with someone else. Had I not been depressed, I wouldn't have needed any of this extra attention, but nonetheless, I found myself more and more pleased with attention I would get from men I could physically be with.

There was one guy in particular that I was very attracted to. Like you, I knew it would never be anything serious. My bf is the man I want to marry and I know no one could treat me better or make me feel the way he does, but I still felt something lacking. I had the same things you did, was very attracted, we flirted, and even had steamy dreams about him a few times.

Long story short, after a particularly bad day, I went out with him and other friends and got wasted. I remember flirting with him a lot that night because I just didn't have the energy to care anymore, but the next thing I know, I woke up with him on top of me and we were... yea... Once I came to and realized what was going on I was absolutely devastated. When I got home, I immediately called my bf and told him what happened. he was a wreck and we didnt talk for two days until he said he would forgive me. we are now back together and doing well, but the moral of my story is:

Please Please Please... If you love this man you are with, losing a friendship is worth that love. I know it feels good now and flirting is fun and exciting, but it is not worth it. Yes, you say you will never cheat, but so did I. Eventually, our deteriorating relationship got to me and I lost control. And on top of it all, the guy I thought was a really stand-up guy and a good friend totally took advantage of me. You don't know what can happen in the future, but you can do your best to stop it. I highly suggest you get yourself away from this other man as much as possible and as far as possible. Also, talk to your current bf about the things that are bothering you. Communication is soooo big. If my bf and i had just been more clear on things and I had told him how down I was so he could help, this never would have happened.

Please don't make the same mistake. It was the worst mistake of my entire life and I destroyed the one man I ever truly loved. Its been many months now and we are both still dealing with what happened, though the pain is getting easier. we are stronger for it all, but i dont recommend it. faith is the only thing that has gotten us through. that and kleenex.

good luck

[boldjack]

My advice, Tell your BF first, then tell him you will have no contact with this OM, maybe even tell the OM to backoff while your BF is present. So there will be no ambiguity, and also to prove your commitment to your BF. You are making a wise decision not to marry at this time, you definitely need to focus on a more appropriate way to handle relationship stresses.

[soconfused01]

i only read the first page so sorry if someone's already said this.

i don't think it's that big of a deal. it's perfectly natural to meet someone you are attracted to while you're in a relationship- i think it's unavoidable that these things will happen. the strength of your relationship is recognizing that you don't want to risk what you already have, and then separating yourself for what threatens that

[jnj express]

Hey AC---at this point in time you are dragging this thing on about the other guy, are you sure you don't have cold feet in re: your coming mge. As to flirting, everyone looks, anyone who says they don't look at members of the other sex, is lying or unnatural. you just have to know that if you are in a relationship, you are NOT ALLOWED to flirt. Your problem is simple enough you been given the proper advice many times already, YOU GO NO CONTACT AND STAY NO CONTACT, and that is exactly what it means, you do not look for this other guy, if by accident you should come into contact with him, you IGNORE him. No calls, no e-mails, no NOTHING EVER AGAIN. That is what has to happen if you want to marry your BF, or fiance or whatever he is at this point. If you don't want to get married and you want to play around with others, then tell your fiance, that you do not want to get married, and you want to play the field. YOU CANNOT HAVE IT BOTH WAYS, you are either in a relationship, or you are not. You need to follow the proper script. You do not need to tell your fiance about your thoughts, for up to now they are only thoughts. Just make sure that if you do marry, you do not stray, for if your fiance, husband to be, were ever to find out, the pain you would unleash on him, is like nothing he will ever experience, and no human has a right to do that to another human.

[AlektraClementine]

Had a chat with Other Man letting him know that things were getting too close for comfort and that while it "seemed" innocent, I had to respect my relationship. Anything my boyfriend would find inappropriate, is and that quite frankly, I found it inappropriate as well. Told him I needed to chill out the friendship for a while. He actually responded quite positively. Professed a deep respect for me, my boyfriend, and my relationship and while he acknowledged an attraction for me beyond the friendship, he understood and respected my need to cease contact.

 

Had a talk with the boyfriend as well and let him know that I loved him. Wanted to marry him some day. But that things in our relationship need to be addressed. And (and this was hard), admitted to having feelings for another man as of late and let him know that I am ceasing contact with him in favor of working on my relationship.

 

We decided that we need to focus on our lives and the issues that need to be addressed before an engagement. i.e. trust, stability, and what sort of things we are looking for in a lifelong commitment and determine the compatibility of those things.

 

We're doing great. We've even started to address the fact that we had sex so early in our relationship and have decided to cool it a bit with that. It's difficult but we're spending a lot of time REALLY getting to know one another.

 

Weird.

[Trialbyfire]

That's the way to do it!! I'm really proud of you Alektra! No b/sing around. You dealt with the OM, letting him know in a respectful way, that things couldn't continue and you fessed up to your b/f, also letting him know that the relationship issues need to be addressed.

 

I hope other members learn from this thread. Be assertive, cut through all the static and deal with it, don't just ignore it.