I am no longer attracted to my girlfriend

[bac]

Hi

 

Ive been with my girlfriend for 4 years now and i love her alot, but im no longer sexually attracted to her. When we started going out, she was fit and eager to have sex, but as years have gone by, she has gained alot of weight and stopped taking initiative. She is trying to lose weight, but nothing is working. She is excersizing regularly, but still eating way too much and not very healthy. If i try to tell her this, she always gets super hurt, so i just try to make healthy food whenever i can. (though she is likely to go out and eat pizza if she isnt full) She always loses a few pounds, gets bored of it and gains double that before trying again.

 

I really do love her and we are great together. I can see myself marrying her, but i am a very sexual person and ive been catching myself looking at other women more and more. Im a musician as well and gigging almost every weekend, so there is always alot of offers. I have never cheated on her and i am certainly not planning too, but it gets harder and harder to turn down beutiful 18 year old girls (im 24) that would certainly give me everything i ever wanted sexually. I dont wanna wake up some day having cheated on my girlfriend because alcohol and a penis with leathal PSI levels took control of my actions. (this happened to my parents and it destroyed my mom)

 

Can you really stay with someone you dont find attractive?

 

(i know im shallow and i know im an a-hole, you dont need to tell me that)

She is not your wife and you do not have kids with her. You should cheat on her with girls you really want. Then you would see how did it work for you.

You may realize that sex with young girls is not so wonderful in reality or you may realize whatever...... Anyway, testing the reality is a good way to make the right decision. And before your girlfriend becomes your wife and you have kids you are not guilty to walk away.

[Phateless]

You should cheat on her with girls you really want.

 

Wow...

[bananacake]

Ok i got a little problem. We got our apartement contract renewal form today. So basically, i gotta either break up before we deliver it, or we have to pay 1400$ for rent over summer break until i can switch to a dorm in fall. (they are in the same building, so no matter if i sign the contract for the apartement, i can still switch to a dorm. So what do i do. Break up and make the whole exam period akward and sad, plus i still have to live with her for 2 more months, or do i wait until after exams and having to pay the summer rent. (we go home in summer, so we wont be staying here)

[mr.dream merchant]

Ok i got a little problem. We got our apartement contract renewal form today. So basically, i gotta either break up before we deliver it, or we have to pay 1400$ for rent over summer break until i can switch to a dorm in fall. (they are in the same building, so no matter if i sign the contract for the apartement, i can still switch to a dorm. So what do i do. Break up and make the whole exam period akward and sad, plus i still have to live with her for 2 more months, or do i wait until after exams and having to pay the summer rent. (we go home in summer, so we wont be staying here)

 

Shiiit you better break up with her. 1400? Nah duke you good. Break up.

[MeMyself&I]

Hi bananacake,

 

I can relate to how you feel. A girlfriend got after me for not being attracted to a guy that was heavier and said it was shallow. But she refuses to kiss or date a guy that smokes.

 

I respect how she feels in her choice and feel mine should be too. If you find somebody unhealthy for smoking that's your choice just like I feel that someone is disrespecting themselves and their health and those that love them by allowing themselves to be too heavy (obesity is one of the primary reasons for health/death). I don't mean everyone has to be a size 6. If you work out and look fit and are fit you may be a size 10 or 12 all body types are different. My point is that it's just as unhealthy to not take care of your body as it is to smoke, overdrink, etc, etc.

 

And I'm not a person that finds maintaining my weight easy. I'm in my thirties so I don't have that young, healthy metabolism---I never really have. I have a child whose 4. After I had him I was 193 pds and I'm 5'2 (yes it was awful. I was FAT). In the last 2-3 years I have worked hard and lost over 60 pds. I exercise and eat well.

 

I KNOW that weight affects most people's self-esteem. I feel so much more confident about myself and feel I have so many more choices in dating, recreation, work and I enjoy my sex life were as before I felt ashamed and ugly. I am often mistaken for being in my late 20's....that would not have happened a few years ago. I am in NO way knocking people for having weight issues.......I've been there. But one can choose to make life-changes. It's kind of a vicious circle. The weight causes esteem issues and and the esteem issues cause some sort of dysfunction (over-eating, depression, alcoholism, etc).

 

We are only given our one body to take care of and we only have sooo long to be young and healthy.......even if our young is in our 40's, 50's and beyond.

 

In regards to your girlfriend, I feel if you are not initially attracted to somebody it's understandable. Before you know anybody your initial draw is going to be visual. But once you love somebody I would think you would stick with them through their struggles. Of course like others have said there is probably more to your feelings of lack of attraction than JUST her weight.

 

Maybe the apartment thing is your opportunity to give each other some space. Tell her your struggling with your feelings for her and need to make sure you are making the right choices before you make any rash ones. I feel badly for her. I've been in her shoes. Not so much the rejection of a mate but with the weight struggle. It's sad to say but in my case it was easier to lose the weight when I was single and alone. I was motivated to look better to attract people (no I'm not saying dump her so she loses weight). But it's possible you are part of her mental crutch to not work at it.

 

Anyway, It's a hard situation. I can see that you genuinely care for her whether it's still enough to maintain a relationship is not clear. But dragging it out is painful for both of you too.

[bananacake]

ok i made up my mind. Ill wait until next weekend and break the news then. Im gonne be away the entire weekend and shes got her friend sleeping over (the one who recently got dumped) so they will be able to talk/cry/hate as much as they want without having to deal with my presence. How does this sound?

 

She specifically told me today that if i i sign the contract and dump her a week later she'll kill me. (it was a joke, but still... man. talk about timing)

[allina]

ok i made up my mind. Ill wait until next weekend and break the news then. Im gonne be away the entire weekend and shes got her friend sleeping over (the one who recently got dumped) so they will be able to talk/cry/hate as much as they want without having to deal with my presence. How does this sound?

 

She specifically told me today that if i i sign the contract and dump her a week later she'll kill me. (it was a joke, but still... man. talk about timing)

 

That's sad. It's like she sees it coming.

 

What I find odd is that the from your first post to your last you've seemed to completely lose all love and respect for her. Why? At first is was more of an "I love her but I'm not attracted anymore" situation, now you just want to toss her aside.

 

You have a lot of cheerleaders here saying "dump her! Find a hot chick!" But at the end of the day remember that you're on your own in your decision to toss a 4 year relationship. I suppose a part of me feels like when the macho "yeah man! dump the fatty!" cheering is silenced this will be painful for you. You may even regret it.

[MeMyself&I]

 

You have a lot of cheerleaders here saying "dump her! Find a hot chick!" But at the end of the day remember that you're on your own in your decision to toss a 4 year relationship. I suppose a part of me feels like when the macho "yeah man! dump the fatty!" cheering is silenced this will be painful for you. You may even regret it.

 

I think he has enough people like you, me and some of the others to contradict the mentality you quoted above.

 

He has to weigh the advice on here. Take it as it is......our opinions (definitely not professional).....and do what he sees is right. Realizing HE has to live with his decision.

 

I myself think he needs a "stepping back" period. The lease thing makes it tricky and if he ties himself and her into it and then decides to leave that's not right. So I see it as circumstances influencing some of his choices too.

 

Why can't he say "I'm confused about our relationship. It's not fair to to lock us both into a lease that would have a financial impact on ea. of us if we continue to have problems. I am talking about some space not a complete break up. I am here for you until you or I specifically have the "talk" and say something differently."

 

Anyway......it totally depends on what his decision/objective is at this point.

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree it's pretty clear that your girlfriend is going through a depression or something similar, and you are leaving her when the chips are down. If you really loved her, you'd support her through the tough (fat) times as well as the good (thin) times. But if you don't love her enough to stick by her as she finds her way out of this tough time, then she's probably better off without you.

[Phateless]

I agree it's pretty clear that your girlfriend is going through a depression or something similar, and you are leaving her when the chips are down. If you really loved her, you'd support her through the tough (fat) times as well as the good (thin) times. But if you don't love her enough to stick by her as she finds her way out of this tough time, then she's probably better off without you.

 

We can't help unless people let us help. What do you expect him to do, ride out all the crazy ups and downs with no clue as to why it's happening or where it ends? How long should he wait for her to get herself together? What if it never happens?

 

We all want to be in happy relationships. You can't always save people from themselves. At a certain point you might have to realize that they'll be depressed no matter what you do for them.

 

You have to do what's right for you first.

[mr.dream merchant]

We can't help unless people let us help. What do you expect him to do, ride out all the crazy ups and downs with no clue as to why it's happening or where it ends? How long should he wait for her to get herself together? What if it never happens?

 

We all want to be in happy relationships. You can't always save people from themselves. At a certain point you might have to realize that they'll be depressed no matter what you do for them.

 

You have to do what's right for you first.

 

Yeah that and he's got $1400 on the line. Its better for him emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially to move on.

[Eyeofthoth]

So far ive kind of followed the rule of "never tell a girl she is not pretty". Whenever she'd ask if she was fat, id say no. Whenever she'd ask if she should lose weight id say i didnt mind, but if she wants to do it for herself then she should. But i guess being the nice guy was totally the wrong move.

 

I realise i gotta tell her i think she should lose weight for my sake as well as her own, but then id automatically tell her ive been lying for a long time too... i guess i dug my own grave on this one.

 

You know, I just wanted to say that you are right about what you are thinking here. You sound like a really nice guy to me, and you sound like you do really care about her and don't want to hurt her. But being dishonest about something like this will always erode a relationship. If you had been open and honest in the first place about thinking that she is getting heavy and about not being attracted to heavy women, then you might not have built up this inner resentment which is bothering you so much and killing your attraction to her.

 

I told my boyfriend he was fat and guess what he said to me? "I didn't realize that. I must have reverse anorexia, because when I look in the mirror I see a thin person."

 

LOL. He is like 25-30 pounds overweight. I'm sure it's harder to be straight with someone who is oversensitive rather than someone who is overconfident like that, but I still think its the only approach that works.

 

He also told me I was being superficial, which I laughed at, because I know for a fact that he would not look twice at an overweight woman.

No double-standards here. Who wants to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't take care of him or herself?

 

Of course the way you say it is critical. Maybe you could tell her how much you love her and that you feel as though she doesn't really love herself. Tell her you would support her in anything that could help her to get back her confidence and her happiness. And then tell her that you need to take care of yourself as well as her and that you think that taking care of yourself includes honoring your expectation that the other person in your relationship will take care of her health.

 

Now I just hope I can follow my own advice, because frankly, my boyfriend is not only overweight, but he also drinks too much and smokes too much weed.

 

On the other hand, he always makes me laugh, so maybe I will just put up with all his flaws . . .

[Eyeofthoth]

PS -

 

Talk to her right now. That 1400 is a sign that the talk is overdue.

[Ruby Slippers]

But being dishonest about something like this will always erode a relationship. If you had been open and honest in the first place about thinking that she is getting heavy and about not being attracted to heavy women, then you might not have built up this inner resentment which is bothering you so much and killing your attraction to her.

Exactly. The OP lied to her. Yes, he was trying to protect her feelings, but now she has no idea what's really going on. Maybe if she knew how much of a problem it was, she'd have the necessary motivation to do something about it. There is a kind and loving way to be honest about something like this. I think that after four years, she deserves the opportunity to respond to this legitimate complaint. The problem is she doesn't know it's a problem for him.

[bananacake]

Told her EVERYTHING just now... She was shocked and supersad, but i was able to calm her down and talk sensibly with her. We have not, however, broken up. We agreed that we should take some time to think about whats best for us as a couple and individually, and then make a desition together.

 

I think it went superwell... i just hope it wont turn into her desperatly hanging on and me not wanting to make the final blow to the relationship. We agreed anyways that we want to continue living together no matter how. I said it probobly wasnt a smart thing for her sake, but she insisted. But i told her though, that if she ever feels she can deal with it alone, she can just throw me out and ill find somewhere else. I got lots of friends

[allina]

Told her EVERYTHING just now... She was shocked and supersad, but i was able to calm her down and talk sensibly with her. We have not, however, broken up. We agreed that we should take some time to think about whats best for us as a couple and individually, and then make a desition together.

 

I think it went superwell... i just hope it wont turn into her desperatly hanging on and me not wanting to make the final blow to the relationship. We agreed anyways that we want to continue living together no matter how. I said it probobly wasnt a smart thing for her sake, but she insisted. But i told her though, that if she ever feels she can deal with it alone, she can just throw me out and ill find somewhere else. I got lots of friends

 

So, how are you feeling? What are you hoping for?

 

You said you guys decided to keep living together, does that mean you re-committed to making the relationship?

 

Is she going to work on her weigh/sex drive/confidence?

 

Do you think there is hope to save the relationship? Or is this just slowing down the end that's going to come no matter what?

 

I wish you luck with whatever happens here.

[bananacake]

1.So, how are you feeling? What are you hoping for?

 

2. You said you guys decided to keep living together, does that mean you re-committed to making the relationship?

 

3. Is she going to work on her weigh/sex drive/confidence?

 

4. Do you think there is hope to save the relationship? Or is this just slowing down the end that's going to come no matter what?

 

I wish you luck with whatever happens here.

 

1. I feel great. I told her every concern and doubt i had about our relationship and though she was shocked at first, we were able to talk about everything sensibly. Im hoping we can breathe new life into our relationship, and if we cant, we both know and realise that its time to move on.

 

2. Yes, we are going to try and make it work.

 

3. This is kind of the main thing we are trying to change. We are gonna go semi-vegetarian and have a total soda/candy ban for a unlimited amount of time. She's gonna continue going to the gym 2-3 times a week and when shes not there, we are going to jog or walk every day. As for the sex thing we decided to start over. SImply by making out like we used to, and the sex will hopefully come naturally.

 

4. I didnt have much hope before i talked to her, but seing how she reacted and how much she wants it to work, i have great confidence in this. I believe in her and our relationship for the first time in quite a while. Its been a long time since i saw her this determined. I care alot about her, so of course i want it to work too.

 

And if it doesnt work, then we will have realised it together. Thats so much better than me realising it myself and just telling her about it. Im super happy with how it went, really!

 

Only thing that concerns me is that she wasnt angry at me for a second... should she have been? At least she didnt show it..

[xpaperxcutx]

Only thing that concerns me is that she wasnt angry at me for a second... should she have been? At least she didnt show it..

 

Would you be happy if she wasn't?

 

I would be stunned and upset if someone made an issue out of my weight. But at least she's being understanding and is willing to work with you to change. You just have to be more supportive.

[Phateless]

Only thing that concerns me is that she wasnt angry at me for a second... should she have been? At least she didnt show it..

 

Makes perfect sense to me... You're wondering if she hasn't fully processed everything and if the anger is coming later, am I right? Keep us posted big guy, I have a feeling this conversation isn't over. Be prepared for follow-up questions and brief conversations here and there. Continue to be open, honest and supportive, as you have been.

 

Congrats on everything else though, I'm really proud of both of you for how well you handled it! That makes me optimistic for you.

 

I went on a killer hike with my girl yesterday and she kicked ass! I was so impressed.

[Ruby Slippers]

4. I didnt have much hope before i talked to her, but seing how she reacted and how much she wants it to work, i have great confidence in this. I believe in her and our relationship for the first time in quite a while. Its been a long time since i saw her this determined. I care alot about her, so of course i want it to work too.

Right on! I think you totally did the right thing!

 

And why should she be angry? I get the impression you communicated all this out of love and concern. What really would have hurt is being dumped without the opportunity to improve the problem.

 

This is what love is all about. COMMUNICATION, understanding, patience, HONESTY. Good job, bananacake!

[bananacake]

This is what love is all about. COMMUNICATION, understanding, patience, HONESTY.

 

Ive come to realise this too. Told her everything on me mind and she told me everything on hers. We both agreed to work on stuff that is getting in the way of our relationship and it weels like we've been "reborn". I see a brighter future =p

[beautiful2see]

ive come to realise this too. Told her everything on me mind and she told me everything on hers. We both agreed to work on stuff that is getting in the way of our relationship and it weels like we've been "reborn". I see a brighter future =p

 

 

thats good that u see that. But did u ever stop and think that maybe u are just used 2 her?, u are used 2 her being around and being with her, and u are confusing it wit love?, anyways im happy u guys are going 2 work things out!