Author bananacake Posted April 7, 2009 Author Share Posted April 7, 2009 Don't tell her she's fat! Tell her you're both unhealthy and suggest that you should improve your diet and exercise together. Or tell her it makes you sad to see her self esteem being affected by gaining weight, and she's still beautiful but you want to help her feel better about herself again by losing weight, and you're prepared to support her by exercising along with her. Im gonna try and get a good running routine down.. the snow on the roads are clearing too, so its a good time. She isnt bad at excersizing, its just that she gains whatever she loses by eating too much. We make healthy food every day and only eat chocolate and stuff like that on weekends, but whenever i take out the trash i notice heaps of chocolatepaper in her desks trashcan. How can i stop her from eating stuff like that when im not around? Its not like i can, or should, monitor her either Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 BananaCake - I feel like I am in the same position you are, except my gf and I have been together a year. She LOVES swing dancing, used to teach, and now I can barely get her to come with me because she's so out of shape she can't even dance a whole song. She's completely down on her body and herself because of her weight, yet she never takes any initiative to get any exercise. She has a gym membership and she's gone 4 times in 3 months. She eats decently but cheats when I'm not around. It's really frustrating, because she wants my help and support, yet won't help and support herself. I even told her that it's hard for me to continue to be supportive and listen to her feelings when she's not taking action to change her situation. I reminded her that it's on her and I can't do it for her no matter how much I want to help, but nothing really changes anything. And like you, meanwhile, I'm always getting flirted with by hot skinny girls with tight bodies. It's frustrating and I find my eyes wandering more and more. I just don't know how motivated she really is. As someone else here once said, "execute, execute, EXECUTE." It's all action. btw, did anybody read that link I posted? Great article, VERY applicable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bananacake Posted April 7, 2009 Author Share Posted April 7, 2009 A brother in arms ye? Good to know im not alone. Im gonna sit down and read it when i have a little more time. Tomorrow im going on a 3 day tour with my band. Lets hope all the loose women are skiing in the mountains instead of out drinking and challenging my self-control =p Link to post Share on other sites
Sam Spade Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 As many have said already, yu have no reason to beat yourself down. You've shown understanding, you're doing all the right things. Unless things change, you should let her go. It doesn't mean that she's a crappy person, but failure to do something as obvious and as important as losing weight is indicative of underlying emotional issues (maybe depression?). In any case, give more than generous benefit of the doubt; but, you can't help her UNLESS she also wants to help herself. And if she doesn't - well, too bad. She'll have to live with the consequences of her choices, such as you leaving her for someone else.... Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 I appreciate your honesty. I dont think ive lost attraction directly because of her weight, but rather everything that came with it. The insecurity, self-bashing and total lack of confidence. If you feel beutiful, you are beutiful, i really believe that. When she was thin, she beamed and was full of life. But now its like she hides herself with huge cloathing, never lets any skin show and shes extremely paranoid. If someone laughs she immideatly thinks they laugh of her. Did something happen in her life that led to her getting out of the habit of eating well? It sounds like there's an underlying emotional problem that she is trying to solve with food -- "eating her feelings", as they say. I think you definitely need to let her know how you feel, but in a gentle and caring way. If I were in this situation, I would want to know what's really going on. I would want the chance to get back to my good eating habits again and lose the weight. If the guy's approach was caring, I would do my best not to take it personally and get back into good shape. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bananacake Posted April 7, 2009 Author Share Posted April 7, 2009 Thanks for all your answers. Its pretty obvious what i should do now. Give her some time to lose weight and get back confidence (with my help) or simply move on. Sounds harsh i know, but i want to at experience at least one relationship with a normal sexlife before i settle down. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 A brother in arms ye? Good to know im not alone. Im gonna sit down and read it when i have a little more time. Tomorrow im going on a 3 day tour with my band. Lets hope all the loose women are skiing in the mountains instead of out drinking and challenging my self-control =p Absolutely! We'll get through this together, even if that means breaking free and and going out to meet new girls. You sound like me in that you know YOU have control of your own actions, and you can make the choice not to cheat on her. She's lucky to have someone she can trust. As many have said already, yu have no reason to beat yourself down. You've shown understanding, you're doing all the right things. Unless things change, you should let her go. It doesn't mean that she's a crappy person, but failure to do something as obvious and as important as losing weight is indicative of underlying emotional issues (maybe depression?). In any case, give more than generous benefit of the doubt; but, you can't help her UNLESS she also wants to help herself. And if she doesn't - well, too bad. She'll have to live with the consequences of her choices, such as you leaving her for someone else.... You're absolutely right and I've been giving this a lot of thought lately. I'm at the age (28) where I have to start thinking about the future, and I've seen my girl's mom. My girl is obviously not going to get thinner as time goes on, and I'm a very active person. I need someone who can keep up with me. I don't want to end up like my parents where my dad goes out and has all this fun all the time, but my mom won't go with him because she's sitting on her ass on the couch every night. Link to post Share on other sites
confused_2008 Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 I think a lot of good answers have been given here, bananacake, so I'm not going to offer any other advice. But I just wanted to say you seem like you've got a good head on your shoulders and care a lot about this girl. If she is smart she'll realize this and actually commit to changing for the better. If not, unfortunately for both of you, it's her loss. Link to post Share on other sites
UCLAMike Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 First of all Bananacake, ignore some of the female posters trying to shame you for something that isn't wrong from the get go. No you aren't a shallow ******* for finding your GF more attractive when she was fit, not overweight. Do be careful how you use the word "love" though. True love would've masked her health and your fidelity wouldn't have been tested by her appearance changes. Talk to her about it. Tell her to get her ass in gear and start losing some weight. Offer to partake in healthy recreational activities with her. Diet with her. Make it a team effort, she'll most likely not feel alone in it. I know it would suck for me if I were dieting and my SO was munching on a Big Mac right infront of me. Most of all be sensitive to her feelings. I think any girl can vouch for how bad it must suck to know they're not as attractive to their man as they used to be. Whatever you do, don't make her feel unattractive, make her feel loved when you express your CONCERN for her health. But overall, don't beat yourself up about it man. Its natural to be attracted to a healthier individual. Its also natural to find all these other younger more in shape women throwing themselves at you kind of desirable and attractive. But how you act to the situation is what will define you as a good man. Just tell yourself that those 18 year old broads with nice tits, pretty faces, and nice curvacious hips, thighs, and asses could only give you what your shorty at home has been givin you plus more. So in otherwords, just reassure yourself that a **** for the night is not worth losing someone you care about, and who cares about you. forget what anybody else says here. Listen to this guy. this is the honest opinion and a right opinion. You are not shallow. Neither are you obligated to her in any way. You are not married. There is no binding contract morally, legally, or ethically. You are free to choose. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 forget what anybody else says here. Listen to this guy. this is the honest opinion and a right opinion. You are not shallow. Neither are you obligated to her in any way. You are not married. There is no binding contract morally, legally, or ethically. You are free to choose. Thanks Mike, I think I really needed to hear that. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 About the chocolate wrappers, I'm thinking maybe your gf has an eating disorder. She could be binge eating to compensate for emotional problems. I know some people when they're unhappy or too self conscious, they lose all control to how much they eat and what they eat to block out various outside influences. And her constant weight gain and weight loss resembles a yo-yo diet which in itself is very unhealthy. It could lead to excessive weight gain, heart problems, and quite possible bulimia. Link to post Share on other sites
Isolde Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 If you do decide to end the relationship, remember that it's way better to hurt her now than after years of marriage. Marriage is supposed to include great sex at least sometimes, and if you can't provide that to your partner, why take that step? Link to post Share on other sites
Alex_M Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 bananacake you don't sound like an *******. It's not superficial or shallow. Let's be honest here people, if somone is overweight and insecure they are far less attractive. Infact it doesn't really matter about size does it, it's the personality that comes with it. I used to know a huge girl and instantly I felt a slight attraction just because she was overwhelmed with confidence. I understand you man, I have no idea what I would do if I was in your situation but you shoulda nipped this in the bud. It sounds like if you break up with her over thisyou'll probably regret it and go back. I think you should talk to her and try dieting with her and if that doesn't work I suppose it's time to tell her you're starting to feel a bit less attracted to her. good luck with whatever you do Link to post Share on other sites
paddington bear Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 Can I just say that when I was in my 20's and in a long-term relationship, I put on weight - a lot of people do, male and female, when they've found someone they're happy with. Anyway, in my case I was TOTALLY in love with this guy, but in retrospect was unhappy, thought I was happy, but wasn't and due to that I guess I subconsciously put on weight, and like your girlfriend tried everything not to put on weight, to keep slim, but couldn't. Think food was giving me the comfort that I wasn't getting from the relationship even though I thought I was happy. Also I think there is usually something subconscious there about getting fatter, yes, it's hard for a lot of us to stay slim, it's easy to put on weight and much harder to lose it, but aside from the obvious, it can be that you are subconsciously making yourself more unattractive for some reason, feeling unworthy, trying to push someone else away. This is all just another perspective, maybe you are happy with your girlfriend, but maybe her eating habits and weight-gain are symptomatic of the fact that she is not that happy - or on the other hand, she could be so content that she feels she can look and be however she wants and you'll be there. I'll echo a previous poster saying that I don't think you're an a-hole. For what it's worth a female cousin of mine met her previously very overweight boyfriend when he'd lost a lot of weight. During the course of the relationship he put on the weight again and she simply said 'I love you, but I became attracted to you as a slim person, and you're not slim any more and I'm becoming less attracted to you and I'm sorry about that, but that's the way it is, I'm just not attracted to fat guys'. And he made the effort to lose the weight. As someone who has struggled with weight myself I understand that it's a complex issue, and at the same time, I want to look and feel attractive to members of the opposite sex and wouldn't take it as an insult if they wanted me to look the best I could - without being overly over-bearing about it or insulting of course. Best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 So what's the word-track I should use with my gf? I love you but I'm losing attraction for you physically. Let's do this together. ?? Link to post Share on other sites
bean1 Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 So what's the word-track I should use with my gf? I love you but I'm losing attraction for you physically. Let's do this together. ?? How big is she, do you know? A lot of women will tell you to NEVER bring up this issue but I'd say to. If it's true, that you are physically losing attraction because of it, tell her. Then again, I'm a fit girl and can't stand it when people let themselves go, LOL. One thing that us women worry about is, "if you think I'm fat now, are you going to cheat on me when I'm pregnant?" and that's a scary thought for us. Link to post Share on other sites
AlektraClementine Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 Just a question and possibly some food for thought. You say she stopped initiating sex when she started to gain weight. Are you sure that those two events were related? Or were they possibly byproducts of something else? Is it at all possible that she is picking up vibes from you that you have a wandering eye or are you in any way lustful of other people in her presence? Could she have gotten sick of that? When I feel like my mate is more concerned with other people and situations than he is with me or our relationship, I don't feel like having sex with him. If she isn't initiating sex with you, then you aren't the only one who isn't feeling the attraction anymore. I only know one side of this situation so I'm curious. Link to post Share on other sites
Sam Spade Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 'I love you, but I became attracted to you as a slim person, and you're not slim any more and I'm becoming less attracted to you and I'm sorry about that, but that's the way it is, I'm just not attracted to fat guys'. I think that's THE best way to say it. I'm going to write this down and use it if my girlfriend starts piling on the pounds (which she might have a possible future tendency to ). Link to post Share on other sites
missdependant Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 Buy a gym membership and go together. Go hiking.. go swimming and make it a habit to do something active together a few hours a day. Being active will usually suppress your appetite for a while. Also, I've noticed that when I cook I'm not hungry enough to eat most of what I make.. don't know why, but it seems common for people. Get her involved in something fun, maybe she is depressed. Link to post Share on other sites
elajemi Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 You will never love her after today, the love not by body the love is by heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 How big is she, do you know? A lot of women will tell you to NEVER bring up this issue but I'd say to. If it's true, that you are physically losing attraction because of it, tell her. Then again, I'm a fit girl and can't stand it when people let themselves go, LOL. One thing that us women worry about is, "if you think I'm fat now, are you going to cheat on me when I'm pregnant?" and that's a scary thought for us. I think she was 160 when we met (already bigger than I thought I would go) and now she's 180. My last gf was 5'3, blonde/blue, 115 lbs, Russian. I love my current gf but I always knew she was thicker than I ever thought I would date, even before she gained weight. I agree, I'm super fit msyelf and I hate it when people are too lazy to keep themselves in shape. There's a quote, "People who don't know how to keep themselves healthy ought to have the decency to get themselves buried, and not waste time about it." - Henrik Ibsen To a certain extent, I agree with that. How can anyone be so lazy to take such crappy care of their own body?! I would never cheat on her, and pregnancy is a totally different story. I genuinely believe pregnancy is beautiful. This isn't out of shape because we're having a baby, this is out of shape because she eats crappy food and doesn't work out. To me, I know her schedule is insane but if she really cared about herself, she would find time for the gym. Buy a gym membership and go together. Go hiking.. go swimming and make it a habit to do something active together a few hours a day. Being active will usually suppress your appetite for a while. Also, I've noticed that when I cook I'm not hungry enough to eat most of what I make.. don't know why, but it seems common for people. Get her involved in something fun, maybe she is depressed. I try inviting her to things all the time with at best, a lukewarm response. It's depressing. She LOVES swing dancing but I can't get her to come with me because she can't even last a single song. Link to post Share on other sites
paddington bear Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 Hmmm, I'd say she's conscious of putting on the pounds and that's why she doesn't want to go dancing, it's a horrible vicious cycle, you feel fat, so you don't want sex, you feel fat, so you don't want to be the fat girl at the gym/club, whatever. And she also knows that you're unhappy with her weight, so inside I'm sure she's feeling somewhat unattractive and vulnerable. With all the best will in the world to get her to change, unless she wants to herself, she's not going to. I would have to say that you have to find that missing 'key' that will be the thing that will make her do it for herself. The prospect of losing you and no longer being attractive to you seems not to be doing it for her, offers of let's get fit together ain't doing it either, everyone has their own thing that makes them suddenly go 'Oh dear God! I have to do something about this' and you or she has to find what that thing is, could be a photograph of her prior to weight gain, could be some other thing, a friend of hers who was the same weight who's now slim and healthy. All I can say is that for me, it had to come from within, the more pressure anyone else put on me, the more I resisted, even if that pressure was in the nicest way, I felt like I was being pushed to do something when I wasn't ready, because weight-loss seems like such a horrible struggle, a mountain to climb that you don't want to embark on it because it means starving yourself, doing lots of intense exercise that you in reality hate doing and so on, so you've to really work yourself up to it sometimes. If you love being fit, you probably don't get this, you see being fit and healthy as being fun, whereas for some of us the thought of it is just like 'snoooooze'. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 Thanks pad. Yeah, I think that's it. She doesn't like exercise, and nobody does at first, but you have to push through it. It just sucks to think that weight could be a determining factor in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 You do have to remember that if someone is depressed they will not have the personal power to care about how they look. That can happen to a lot of people who are having a hard time in their lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bananacake Posted April 9, 2009 Author Share Posted April 9, 2009 You say she stopped initiating sex when she started to gain weight. Are you sure that those two events were related? Or were they possibly byproducts of something else? If she isn't initiating sex with you, then you aren't the only one who isn't feeling the attraction anymore. I only know one side of this situation so I'm curious. These are not neccesarily connected, no. They happened about the same time, but there could be other causes. And i dont think she's feeling as attracted to me as she used to as well. Im one of those guys that wont put on weight no matter what i eat, so physically im the same as always, but i dont get the feeling she wants me at all. This might be because of her insecurity, but it might just as well be that she isnt attracted anymore either. I dont know Link to post Share on other sites
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