He's older and i think he's manipulating me

[Firenza]

I'm feeling very confused at the moment, and i need someone's objective opinion on this, as this isnt a subject i can discuss with anyone i know.

 

I started my internship last year and my schedule made me spend a lot of time with my supervisor, mostly time alone. he's on his forties (im on my early twenties), we got along very well since the beggining, and we became friends.

 

i thought he was a really nice guy, always very helpful and sweet to me. early on my internship he started being flirty (asking me how i'd feel about dating older men, if he was my type, stuff like that) which i thought was a bit weird but never gave it much importance. eventually he told me that he once had a relation with a girl my age that was also doing her intership with him. my alert system was activated by then but i dont think i listened to it as i should.

 

he told me a lot about him. went through a rough divorce, the best thing he has in his life is his daughter, about his present girlfriend (specially how their relation is difficult and how her personality was troublesome).

 

meanwhile my boyfriend broke up with me, and although it was something i saw coming, it hurted me and i ended up crying on my supervisor's shoulder. i felt safe and cared for in his arms and we ended up kissing.

 

we met sometime after that and we kissed again. we talked about what we were doing and he told me that we were doing it out of curiosity and that it was totally normal, so i shouldnt worry about anything. i was fine with him not giving the situation a lot of importance as i told him i didnt want any serious stuff at this moment.

 

i think the problem was when he mentioned sex. he knows im a virgin and that im not ready for that (i told him that) but he told me that he'd wait for as long as he needed until i was ready.

 

i guess thats a very sweet thing to say but all that crossed my mind that time was that i was with a total pervert. i couldnt help it. he wanted to have sex with me, despite me telling him i didnt want it. i felt pressure.

 

i also felt it was pointless to keep having these make-out sessions with him.

honestly i never got any pleasure out of it. although it felt good to be hugged and kissed, i didnt like the way he touched me. i dont like to be touched, i feel violated. its just how i am. and he never really listened to me or what i wanted.

 

so when he called i refused to meet him a third time. he said i was being unfair and i could tell he was mad.

 

this was like a month ago. he called me a couple of times for work related issues and he always has this irritated tone, he's very quick ending the calls, despite my attempts to be kind and nice to him. last time, when i ask him how was he, he didnt even answer.

 

im annoyed because it feels like he's trying to make me feel guilty about what happened. and i hated him for that. what a childish act. but at the same time i cant believe a man his age can be this imature. i mean, maybe i could have done things differently? i helped him cheating on his girlfriend so i should be blamed too.

 

what am i supposed to do here? the worse part is that he will be evaluating my work soon. i know, i know, stupid me:(

advice please?

 

(sorry if my english isnt very good, its not my mother language)

[mr.dream merchant]

Ok.

 

1. It is not your fault that this dude is a scum bag.

 

2. Don't throw yourself into another man's hands when you're emotionally distraught. Right after you broke up with your ex? Come on, that's the easiest time to prey on a chick because she's in grief. IMO, never let another guy know what you're going through if its troubles in your relationship because all they will do is use that to THEIR advantage to get in YOUR pants.

 

This guy is upset because he thought he had a clear shot at snagging some young pussy. When you made it clear you're not some ho ass smut, he's upset because you sent him home with blue balls so to speak.

 

Again, its not your fault. This dude just jumped the gun assuming you'd **** him after just breaking up with your boyfriend. Classic womanizer. Chalk this **** up to experience with douche bag guys and move on. And if I were you, I'd keep contact with him to a minimum aka at work thats it, nothing personal, just professional.

[2sure]

We have all been where you are right now.

I have the benefit of hindsight and you dont.

First - take none of the blame for this. Zero. Trust me, in a few years, or when you have a daughter - you will feel ...lol..the opposite of guilty.

 

You are smart - you know he manipulated you. SO DOES HE. He is irritated only because he thought he was getting somewhere and then the door shut. Thats it. There is NOTHING else to it.

 

Now, to your evaluation. You could of course, complain to his higher ups. And probably should simce by his own admission he has done this before. And he will do it again.

 

But , I also understand you may not want to take all of that on.

OK. But you do need to make him aware that you KNOW what the deal is.

 

As your eval gets closer and you have chance to speak to him:

 

"Look, I know we arent as close as you once hoped we might be (or were) but I need to know that the distance currently between us will not effect your professional evaluation of me."

 

He will get it entirely.

[confused_2008]

This guy makes my skin crawl. Good for you for having a little self respect and dignity. I don't think you did anything wrong. He tried to take advantage of you when you were very vulnerable.

 

Any your English is excellent. If you hadn't said anything, I would have never known it wasn't your native tongue.

[Firenza]

thank you for saying that confused 2008, i had to edit a little bit first:p and that you for all the insight, mr. dream and 2sure.

 

i knew you'd all come to me with a warm pat in the back. strangely i think i'd feel more satisfied if one of you had said i screwed up and it was my fault.

i think i was caught in surprise with this. i assumed a man his age was a safe choice, you know, mature and with his feet on the ground. isnt that waht normally happens when we age? thats why i felt good in his arms, i felt safe.

 

how can a man his age do this to me? i have a clear picture of how a man on his forties behaves and its not this. things like this dont happen in my world.

[Island Girl]

If you are in the US you have really got him by the short ones.

 

The translation of that is:

 

Because of his position of being a superior and then crossing this line he has set himself up in the cross hairs for a sexual harassment issue.

 

This is further compounded by his abrasive treatment after you discouraged further attention.

 

Any attorney would have a field day with his behavior and would have big dollar signs in their eyes if you went that route.

 

There are a few ways you can handle this.

 

One is to go to his superiors (the HR Department is the best route if you have one) and put this out there.

 

Two is you can write him a very simple e-mail telling him that you are trusting his personal feelings will be set aside from now on because you like your job and his obvious irritation with you since you made it clear that you are not interested in any sort of romantic involvement is making you uncomfortable.

(Make sure you forward a copy of the "sent" e-mail to yourself directly afterward.)

 

The other is to go talk to an attorney and follow his/her advice about what to do next.

 

Either way you should do something about this since he has victimized women just like you before.

At least you may be able to stop him from making someone else feel as you do now.

 

Oh and any of the options above will protect you from a poor evaluation. It will be too easy to show a poor review is retaliation and you are protected from that by law.

 

Oh and if it were me I'd do all three of the above. I'd see the attorney first, make an appointment with the HR or higher ups, and then send the e-mail.

Then I would print the sent e-mail and bring it with me to the meeting so that I could show them what has been happening and that I have taken steps to ensure he understands I have been made to feel uncomfortable.

 

There is a reason there are laws against this kind of behavior.

They are to protect people in your position from feeling and experiencing exactly what you are right now.

 

Don't allow yourself to be a victim out of fear. You are in the power position now not him.

[manugeorge]

thank you for saying that confused 2008, i had to edit a little bit first:p and that you for all the insight, mr. dream and 2sure.

 

i knew you'd all come to me with a warm pat in the back. strangely i think i'd feel more satisfied if one of you had said i screwed up and it was my fault.

i think i was caught in surprise with this. i assumed a man his age was a safe choice, you know, mature and with his feet on the ground. isnt that waht normally happens when we age? thats why i felt good in his arms, i felt safe.

 

how can a man his age do this to me? i have a clear picture of how a man on his forties behaves and its not this. things like this dont happen in my world.

 

Well, let me be the one to say you need to own your part in this mess. It is not your fault the guy is a pervert but you still put yourself in a compromising position. You broke up with your boyfriend and needed comfort, that is understandable but comfort should have ended with talking and maybe a hug. Letting him stick his tongue down your throat in the first place is something you shouldn't have allowed.

 

Let's assume he does bungle your evaluation and you report him to the higher ups, can you see how easily he can also attack your credibility? saying, "well, she kissed me back and made out with me several times". This is the main reason why sexual harrassment is always hard to prove in workplaces. What you don't want to do is put yourself in that compromising position to begin with.

 

Learn from this and next time, be wary of predatory people like him, you have to make sure you nip such advances in the bud from the get go. He abused his power clearly but you did some encouraging of your own.

 

Document you interactions with him from now on and make sure your HR department is aware of everything that's going on.

[Firenza]

thank you for your reply Island Girl.

 

The problem is im not on US, and i live in a small town. thinking about reporting him makes me shiver as it would become a known subject of the entire place (that includes his girlfriend, all his professional relations. im not that cruel. oh and my parents, who happen to be very conservative; if they imagine their daughter was involved with an older man they would have a stroke and never talk to me again).

also, i dont feel like im a victim here. he never forced me to do anything. actually, i was the one who kissed him first.

 

@manugeorge: yeah i think i learned my lesson

[Island Girl]

Let's assume he does bungle your evaluation and you report him to the higher ups, can you see how easily he can also attack your credibility? saying, "well, she kissed me back and made out with me several times". This is the main reason why sexual harrassment is always hard to prove in workplaces. What you don't want to do is put yourself in that compromising position to begin with.

 

Not true.

 

A good attorney would rip that arguement to shreds for a number of reasons including her age, the fact she is not native to that country, his age and experience, being her superior, etc.

 

A woman I knew years ago went through the same scenario almost to a "T" except it was her husband she was breaking up with not her boyfriend.

She consulted an attorney after she did get a bad review and that company ended up settling for a 5 digit amount and that man lost his job.

[dreamergrl]

I do agree that OP should have set up some barriers, but OP, that doesn't mean it is your fault that this guy is such a creep. I have a feeling he did this to the other intern he was "with".

 

Is there someone you can speak to about his behavior, when it comes down to evaluating your work?

[Firenza]

I do agree that OP should have set up some barriers, but OP, that doesn't mean it is your fault that this guy is such a creep. I have a feeling he did this to the other intern he was "with".

 

Is there someone you can speak to about his behavior, when it comes down to evaluating your work?

i really dont want to make this public:(

[manugeorge]

Not true.

 

A good attorney would rip that arguement to shreds for a number of reasons including her age, the fact she is not native to that country, his age and experience, being her superior, etc.

 

A woman I knew years ago went through the same scenario almost to a "T" except it was her husband she was breaking up with not her boyfriend.

She consulted an attorney after she did get a bad review and that company ended up settling for a 5 digit amount and that man lost his job.

 

It IS true he can attack her credibility. He may not win the argument but it doesn't mean he and his attorneys won't try using that tactic. I use to practice law, I know.

 

Don't put yourself in that position to begin with is sound advice that we should all try hard to heed because then this whole issue will be moot. You don't want to give people ammunition.

 

And now the OP keeps insisting that she doesn't want to go public partly because she doesn't want it to come out that she was involved with him. Do you see what kind of mess that has now created? It would be a different story if she has said a firm NO from the beginnning, then she won't be so hesitant in exposing him.

 

Obviously, I still think she should expose him and damn the fact that she kissed him back. What is done is done here, learn from it and move on.

[dreamergrl]

i really dont want to make this public:(

 

There has to be someone you can talk to that wont breach any confidential conversation.

 

In the mean time, don't let his crappy attitude bring you down. Keep doing the best job you can, because should it come down to him giving you bad evaluation, at least you can go back and show that you did your job.

[dreamergrl]

It IS true he can attack her credibility. He may not win the argument but it doesn't mean he and his attorneys won't try using that tactic. I use to practice law, I know.

 

Don't put yourself in that position to begin with is sound advice that we should all try hard to heed because then this whole issue will be moot. You don't want to give people ammunition.

 

And now the OP keeps insisting that she doesn't want to go public partly because she doesn't want it to come out that she was involved with him. Do you see what kind of mess that has now created? It would be a different story if she has said a firm NO from the beginnning, then she won't be so hesitant in exposing him.

 

Obviously, I still think she should expose him and damn the fact that she kissed him back. What is done is done here, learn from it and move on.

 

I do have to agree here. I'm not saying what he did was right, but OP, you did let things go to a certain level. At least if you come out about what happened (if you need to), you'll be admitting your wrongs, and make sure he doesn't do this to another girl. But, by not saying anything, you'll look just as bad.

[yongyong]

well you made out with him.

can you clap with one hand?

[people_gaye]

I think you should make it public if thats what would happen if you told people higher up in the hierarchy, let everyone know this dudes a creep who abuses his position of authority

[MeaganRaye]

how old is the op?

 

and why is the guy being vilified? the op consented to this and now she wants to call him a pervert? they both were in the wrong imo, its unprofessional for colleagues to behave like this. she is a smart girl and seems very aware of the consequences of what she did.

[voldigicam]

Abuse, actionable here. When I used to do this type of work, I'd have taken it on in a heartbeat.

 

If you're not willing to confront because of the social implications, that's OK with me. It's a difficult thing.

 

If you can stick it out, that's a reasonable outcome.

 

You didn't do anything wrong. I can assure you, when I had interns I am pretty sure I could have slept with any of them through experience, comfort, charm, their isolation from family and friends, etc. This fellow was really ineffective - he should have just been the comforter. Done right, the junior starts the snuggling and the elder seems to be just going along, even though he's set it all up. Very common in colleges and universities. I didn't like that game, but it's easy enough. A warning to others.

 

If you can escape, that would be best.

 

This fellow seems inexperienced and conceited enough that direct confrontation by you is unlikely to result in anything but a bad reaction.

 

I'll mull it over a bit, too.

 

But here, I'd recommend keeping journal in detail, pictures, get him to write you notes admitting misbehavior. And your notes saying back off. Build a case. Then zap him for mega$$$. Of course, here I'd also have you approaching HR. They generally turn a blind eye, which puts the company on the hook, too. It's not a bad game - usually the company ends up with better HR support for women (and men - I've been on that side of the equation as victim) and the culprit ends up with a job search and a "weak" recommendation. The word gets around.

 

Good luck!

[MeaganRaye]

Abuse, actionable here. When I used to do this type of work, I'd have taken it on in a heartbeat.

 

If you're not willing to confront because of the social implications, that's OK with me. It's a difficult thing.

 

If you can stick it out, that's a reasonable outcome.

 

You didn't do anything wrong. I can assure you, when I had interns I am pretty sure I could have slept with any of them through experience, comfort, charm, their isolation from family and friends, etc. This fellow was really ineffective - he should have just been the comforter. Done right, the junior starts the snuggling and the elder seems to be just going along, even though he's set it all up. Very common in colleges and universities. I didn't like that game, but it's easy enough. A warning to others.

 

If you can escape, that would be best.

 

This fellow seems inexperienced and conceited enough that direct confrontation by you is unlikely to result in anything but a bad reaction.

 

I'll mull it over a bit, too.

 

But here, I'd recommend keeping journal in detail, pictures, get him to write you notes admitting misbehavior. And your notes saying back off. Build a case. Then zap him for mega$$$. Of course, here I'd also have you approaching HR. They generally turn a blind eye, which puts the company on the hook, too. It's not a bad game - usually the company ends up with better HR support for women (and men - I've been on that side of the equation as victim) and the culprit ends up with a job search and a "weak" recommendation. The word gets around.

 

Good luck!

i can't help but disagree with you. You make it seem as if you are talking about children and not women.

 

I am not sure how old the OP is, but she played just as much of a part in this inappropriate behavior as the supervisor. You should know that this is inappropriate, it doesn't matter if he is older, you know how to act. Women are not always victims.

[mr.dream merchant]

i can't help but disagree with you. You make it seem as if you are talking about children and not women.

 

I am not sure how old the OP is, but she played just as much of a part in this inappropriate behavior as the supervisor. You should know that this is inappropriate, it doesn't matter if he is older, you know how to act. Women are not always victims.

 

This is true. The OP did not have to take part in any of this but chose to.

[Trialbyfire]

But here, I'd recommend keeping journal in detail, pictures, get him to write you notes admitting misbehavior. And your notes saying back off. Build a case. Then zap him for mega$$$. Of course, here I'd also have you approaching HR. They generally turn a blind eye, which puts the company on the hook, too. It's not a bad game - usually the company ends up with better HR support for women (and men - I've been on that side of the equation as victim) and the culprit ends up with a job search and a "weak" recommendation. The word gets around.

 

Good luck!

I agree that this is the best avenue to take, up to the actual suit itself. Document, document, document, then wait for the review. If he pulls any crap, blow it wide open with a harassment suit.

[voldigicam]

It's abuse. A person in power coercing the subordinate. It flies all the time. Of course, normally these things settle quietly in the US in private organizations.

 

If in a position of power, never attempt to date or even flirt with a subordinate.

 

There is NOT parity between the parties here.

[Firenza]

Thank you for all the replies. It's interesting to read about all this subject and its legal aspects but i want to underline the fact that i wont tell about this to anybody. my internship is almost over, i'll be moving on to other places (at least thats what i hope), and even if he gives me a bad evaluation i probably wont have to deal with him ever again after that. Im choosing the easy way out.

 

I might be trying to get rid of guilt feelings here (let me know if i look like it) but i would have never crossed limits if he hadnt started hitting on me.

He's not my type, i dont find him attractive, i dont want him as a future partner. when he asked me what i though about dating older man i clearly stated (and meant it) that i didnt think dating one would work for me. I did kiss him out of curiosity, he's only the second man i ever kissed in my life, (and maybe part of me wanted to mentally punish my ex for leaving me), not just because i knew thats what he wanted, so i take the blame here.

 

The worst part is that now I look back and i honestly dont think it could happen any differently, or that i'd have the mental strenght (spp?) to avoid this situation and say no to him. He was insisting and i wanted him to like me. Thats how bad my self esteem is. I always need people to like me. And im not a stupid girl but i know im weak, easy and nieve when it comes to men. well, maybe i am stupid. how do i grow out of it?

[SoulSearch_CO]

I think it's unfortunate that you're unwilling to call his behavior out into light. He has admitted to doing it before - he will do it again. And some girl will come along and be totally violated by him. He's a predator. You may say that you went along with everything, but he has the benefit of experience on his side and definitely knows how to play his position over younger women to get what he wants. He's a manipulator. What he's doing is sexual harassment. He doesn't have to overtly threaten your job. But just the mere fact that you are now worried about an evaluation from him because you didn't sleep with him - that is sexual harassment. He should be reported. But I guess if your conscience is clear and you don't mind this happening to the next girl that comes along... carry on.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

i was with a total pervert.

 

 

No question about that!

 

 

 

He is your supervisor???

 

 

File a sexual harrassment complaint at once.