EmperorR Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Ok well my ex fiancée cheated and left me for another dude about six months ago, I was a wreck got Iover it and started dating in February. Been it a girl for a litle while let I'm dealing with some issues. It's like I'm constatny working harder than I really want to, seeing her as much as I can, talking to her even when I'm extremely tired because frankly to put it, it's like I'm scared. I'm always looking for signs if she stops having any interest in me, and I continue to keep a shield up just in case but I know it's something I shouldn't do. Argh why is this so hard.
carhill Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Does she know your history? IMO, when you're healed and with the right woman, you will be able to relax and be yourself. What do you think would happen if you talked with her about how you're feeling? Your post was a bit unclear about that aspect...
Trialbyfire Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Emperor, what is she like? Give us an overall understanding of her actions. Is she consistent? Does she meet you halfway? Describe her. Also, as another thought, how is she different from your ex?
LovieDove24 Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 One of two things: 1) You have not allowed yourself adequate soul-searching time since your previous breakup. You need to determine what part you played in the breakup and what different characteristics you are now looking for in a the next woman you date. 2) She is not the right woman for you and is setting of "bad" vibes for a reason. If she were the right one, you wouldn't feel so uneasy. So, which one is it?
Author EmperorR Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 One of two things: 1) You have not allowed yourself adequate soul-searching time since your previous breakup. You need to determine what part you played in the breakup and what different characteristics you are now looking for in a the next woman you date. 2) She is not the right woman for you and is setting of "bad" vibes for a reason. If she were the right one, you wouldn't feel so uneasy. So, which one is it? I played no part in the previous breakup, ex went away on a trip and opened up her legs to the first guy she met, came back dumped me and a few days laterstarted dating soemone new. She's not setting off bad vibes, it's just me, it's like I'm afraid of opening up fully incase I get hurt again, especially how far I came from basically nothing to building myself back up.
Author EmperorR Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 Does she know your history? IMO, when you're healed and with the right woman, you will be able to relax and be yourself. What do you think would happen if you talked with her about how you're feeling? Your post was a bit unclear about that aspect... Yeah she knows everything, at first she was just my regular old friend I would talk to hours each day repeating the same thing about I don't trust girls blah blah, cna't believe I was cheated on and discarded like a coffee cup, then i ended up falling for her and that is where I am. I guess I'm partly worried what her reaction would be if I tell her what im dealing with on a daily basis, I know I sound like a greedy person, but no this is not a rebound and no I'm not using her, I have legitimate feelings for her.
Author EmperorR Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 Emperor, what is she like? Give us an overall understanding of her actions. Is she consistent? Does she meet you halfway? Describe her. Also, as another thought, how is she different from your ex? She's extremely nice, always there for me, helped me through the moments I had no one else. Very different from my ex, my ex was bossy, cranky all the time, a cheater, manipulator, always thought she was better than everyone else. This girl is like the total opposite, she's basically like me but in a female version. I just hate these insecurities and fearfullness.
Trialbyfire Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 She's extremely nice, always there for me, helped me through the moments I had no one else. Very different from my ex, my ex was bossy, cranky all the time, a cheater, manipulator, always thought she was better than everyone else. This girl is like the total opposite, she's basically like me but in a female version. I just hate these insecurities and fearfullness. I'm glad to hear that! Okay, so now that we know it's within you, let's work on this part. Let's tackle the ex. Was there anything you could have done to prevent her from cheating?
mr.dream merchant Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Don't beat any of your future chicks with your ex-fiancee's stick. In other words, don't take out your past frustrations for one woman on the next, or the rest.
tkgirl Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I'm glad to hear that! Okay, so now that we know it's within you, let's work on this part. Let's tackle the ex. Was there anything you could have done to prevent her from cheating? I have to disagree with TBF here.. I don't think you should go "back there" and try to figure out what you could have done differently to "prevent" your ex from cheating... if someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat. I don't think there is anything anyone can do to stop it. SHE's the one that F'd up.... cheating is just wrong! You are right to move on and it doesn't help to go back there and re-live the whole F'd up mess and try to figure out why and all that. What you need to focus on now is your FUTURE... this new relationship sounds really great... you just are afraid your trust issues are going to screw it up. Have you thought about therapy to help you work through some of this stuff that happened? I think it might be a good idea... Good Luck!
Trialbyfire Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I have to disagree with TBF here.. I don't think you should go "back there" and try to figure out what you could have done differently to "prevent" your ex from cheating... if someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat. I don't think there is anything anyone can do to stop it. SHE's the one that F'd up.... cheating is just wrong! You are right to move on and it doesn't help to go back there and re-live the whole F'd up mess and try to figure out why and all that. What you need to focus on now is your FUTURE... this new relationship sounds really great... you just are afraid your trust issues are going to screw it up. Have you thought about therapy to help you work through some of this stuff that happened? I think it might be a good idea... Good Luck! Don't lead for the OP. I'm asking these questions for a reason.
tkgirl Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Don't lead for the OP. I'm asking these questions for a reason. I meant no disrespect... I'm just saying why dwell on the past? but... you said you have your reasons for asking your question... I'll stay out of it...
Trialbyfire Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I meant no disrespect... I'm just saying why dwell on the past? but... you said you have your reasons for asking your question... I'll stay out of it... Thank-you. If Emperor will respond, you'll see where I'm going with these questions. Don't misunderstand me though. I'm sure that Emperor appreciates your opinion just like he appreciates everyone else's.
tkgirl Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Thank-you. If Emperor will respond, you'll see where I'm going with these questions. Don't misunderstand me though. I'm sure that Emperor appreciates your opinion just like he appreciates everyone else's. yes... I am curious where you are going with this. anyho... no harm, no foul... and best wishes all around!
pollywag Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I have to disagree with TBF here.. I don't think you should go "back there" and try to figure out what you could have done differently to "prevent" your ex from cheating... if someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat. I don't think there is anything anyone can do to stop it. SHE's the one that F'd up.... cheating is just wrong! You are right to move on and it doesn't help to go back there and re-live the whole F'd up mess and try to figure out why and all that. What you need to focus on now is your FUTURE... this new relationship sounds really great... you just are afraid your trust issues are going to screw it up. Have you thought about therapy to help you work through some of this stuff that happened? I think it might be a good idea... Good Luck! She wants him to realize that there was nothing he could do to prevent it then, therefore nothing he can do to prevent it in the future. It was a loaded question. Emperor I think you need to seek therapy and deal with all the unresolved issues, it is not as simple as "you can't do anything to prevent infidelity" you need to rationalize your fears and come to terms with your own feelings in terms of how the infidelity affected you, how that relationship ended, and your ability to trust. This will follow you into every realtionship, with every woman no matter what her personality or tendencies are, the feelings are within you. You need to find the tools to manage all the emtions that certain situations will produce.
MichiganMan222 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I'm going through the same thing. But it seems like a natural reaction to be gun-shy early on a new relationship after being cheated on. I have this same fear and my new girlfriend gives me no reason for it. Incidentally, she was cheated on too which makes it a little easier. We are both VERY protective of our relationship (i.e. a little insecure). It seems expected. Anyway, we went for it. we completely opened up to each other and fell in love. Like someone said above, your new girlfriend isn't your ex. Don't risk destroying a good thing by going over the top with insecurity, suspicion and jealousy when she gives you absolutely no reason for it. How ironic would that be. In a way it would be like letting your ex hurt you again. To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead. -Bertrand Russell Love is everything it's cracked up to be…It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. -Erica Jong There is no remedy for love but to love more. -Henry David Thoreau
Author EmperorR Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 I'm glad to hear that! Okay, so now that we know it's within you, let's work on this part. Let's tackle the ex. Was there anything you could have done to prevent her from cheating? Besides going on the trip with her to see her sick grandpa before he died nope, I went over and beyond sacrificed everything in my life for over three years.
Trialbyfire Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Besides going on the trip with her to see her sick grandpa before he died nope, I went over and beyond sacrificed everything in my life for over three years. Okay, so then, you've done everything you could have, given more than your fair share, and she still cheated on you. Did you like her when you first met her? What attracted you to your ex in the first place? Keep your current girlfriend in the back of your mind over this, in that she's so very different than your ex.
Author EmperorR Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 Her looks and that she seemed like one of the nicest people I have ever met of course she was a great actress and it only lasted for a little bit. I was going to dump her 3 months in but she cut herself and like a idiot I changed my mind.
Trialbyfire Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Her looks and that she seemed like one of the nicest people I have ever met of course she was a great actress and it only lasted for a little bit. I was going to dump her 3 months in but she cut herself and like a idiot I changed my mind.Cut herself, as in self-damage? If so, that could be an indication of a borderline disorder. Do you think that your current g/f would do that?
Author EmperorR Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Cut herself, as in self-damage? If so, that could be an indication of a borderline disorder. Do you think that your current g/f would do that? Yes as in self damage, she did it before, and when I told her I think we should end it, she said she would do it again because she loves me and can't livewithout me, I was young and dumb I know. Do I, I don't know, I don't think so, however she was in abusive relationship before so I don't know maybe she is a little unstable shrugs.
Trialbyfire Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Yes as in self damage, she did it before, and when I told her I think we should end it, she said she would do it again because she loves me and can't livewithout me, I was young and dumb I know. Do I, I don't know, I don't think so, however she was in abusive relationship before so I don't know maybe she is a little unstable shrugs. Yikes, one self-cutter and another, in a previously abusive relationship. Do you rescue women?
Author EmperorR Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Yikes, one self-cutter and another, in a previously abusive relationship. Do you rescue women? I don't know sometimes I do think that, with my ex sometimes I felt like a mom, she would always say she's ugly and fat when she looked like a model, always used to say she was dumb when she was on the deans list, always talked about running away or killing herself, that's what I dealt with every day. Sometimes I would ponder dumping her but I was so in love with her and scared what she would do if I did ya I was a idiot. I don't think I'm a rescurer however.
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