I didn't get a transfer

[Star Gazer]

"Think about how you handled this," Rosa said. "If you could go back, would you have done anything differently?"

 

When asked this by an employer related to something you know they disapprove of, "Nope" is NEVER a good answer, Spookie.

 

The workplace is political. It's not a kumbaya session.

[OpenBook]

"Right," she said, disliking me now. "And another thing we were talking about... You know, everyone has these crushes, attractions.... But what happens in a few months when you get over it?"

 

Well, either your HR person is the devil incarnate and is messing with your head big-time... or she was trying to bring you back down to earth - which is a very kind thing to do, especially for somebody in HR (who is being paid to look out for the company, not you).

 

I'm not sure how she expected you to answer that. Maybe she was just "feeling you out" to gauge your mental stability in general???

 

I would have looked at her and said something like "You know what - I'll handle my own emotions about this, it's OK. What I'm concerned about right now is my career, and my performance at this company. I do hope everyone is still pleased with my work, because I care very deeply about that, and I'm giving you guys the best that I've got."

 

Turn it around on HER to respond, and at the same time establish your professional priorities to her in no uncertain terms.

[spookie]

My contract is of "at-will employment," which means I could get terminated at any time for any reason, or no reason at all.

 

Maybe I'm still being naive... but I still don't think that's gonna happen. On the other hand... who knows. Most of my secure feelings come from all of Jack's positive reinforcement, but at this point, he is my only friend at work, my only fan; I haven't managed to make any friends with the people in my bay (I email questions to the dude sitting in the cubicle behind me rather than swiveling my chair 90* to ask him in the face...); I don't talk to married guy; Jack's boss has been avoiding me. He used to call me "whiz-kid spookie" and make fun of me almost every but... but now it's like I'm not even there. Seeing as how I spend so much time wishing I WERE invisible, I can't really blame him, but still... it hurts that HE STOPPED LIKING ME just cause I told them the truth...

 

Crap.

 

Incidentally, I still fail to see how what I did was wrong... given the intensity of my feelings, I think it was the right choice. If my priority at work is to appear attractive, there is clearly a conflict of interest. I was just warning them.

[spookie]

So what if I refuse to play politics? Won't that make the world a better place?

 

We're all responsible for our culture... including company culture. What if I just keep on NOT breaking the rules, but not faking anything to anyone, either?

 

All my life I've been looking for loopholes to squeeze through, cheating the system, but I don't want to do that anymore. I want to believe in ... karmic fairness. And that what makes sense, will win.

 

I honestly don't get why they're pissed. Or how any of the above makes me a liability instead of an asset.

 

I'm honestly not even trying to sleep with him while he's still my boss.

[Star Gazer]

My contract is of "at-will employment," which means I could get terminated at any time for any reason, or no reason at all.

 

This is true in 95% of all employment arrangements. Any reason, no reason, so long as it's not an illegal reason (quid pro quo, discrimination, retaliation, etc.).

 

How big is your company, Spookie? IME, the bigger the company, the less likely things like this will result in such a drastic adverse employment action. It's more likely with smaller, mom-and-pop unsophisticated employers.

 

That said, while THIS might not be enough to motivate them to give you a slip, this combined with another snaffu just might be. So behave yourself!!

 

Incidentally, I still fail to see how what I did was wrong... given the intensity of my feelings, I think it was the right choice. If my priority at work is to appear attractive, there is clearly a conflict of interest. I was just warning them.

 

"Wrong"? Perhaps not. Immature and totally unprofessional? Absolutely. I'm being honest here, not trying to bash you.

 

Mature professionals don't let attraction get in the way of business. They just don't.

[Lucky_One]

""I know myself pretty well," I said. "And I know I'm not going to just get over this.""

 

I wish you had not said this. I know that you were hurt, but it is very important to always appear that your job and your productivity is paramount to you - not your feelings about Jack. You basically told them that you are determined to keep crushing on him, and the company has basically told you that they don't like your crushing on Jack.

 

Try to curb your impetuousity (is that a word??) at work; try not to give detailed answers unless they are about your duties or your job description. Smiling and counting to 5 in your head (or taking a drink of water or anything else to buy time) is an invaluable tool in helping yourself to learn not to speak too quickly.

[Isolde]

Most of my secure feelings come from all of Jack's positive reinforcement, but at this point, he is my only friend at work, my only fan

 

This is the kind of thinking that is worrying me, not the stuff about telling the truth.

[spookie]

This is true in 95% of all employment arrangements. Any reason, no reason, so long as it's not an illegal reason (quid pro quo, discrimination, retaliation, etc.).

 

How big is your company, Spookie? IME, the bigger the company, the less likely things like this will result in such a drastic adverse employment action. It's more likely with smaller, mom-and-pop unsophisticated employers.

 

Thats said, while THIS might not be enough to motivate them to give you a slip, this combined with another snaffu just might be. So behave yourself!!

 

 

 

"Wrong"? Perhaps not. Immature and totally unproressional? Absolutely. I'm being honest here, not trying to bash you.

 

Mature professionals don't let attraction get in the way of business. They just don't.

 

The company is mid-sized. It employs about 2000 people - small enough to feel like a mom and pop shop sometimes since there's almost no red tape, but I'd guess fairly sophisticated. It's still an insurance company, handling millions...

 

What was I supposed to do, though? I love and value my job and I am working so hard, but how long was I not supposed to speak up? I mean, things don't tend to change until you make them... how long was I supposed to be in love with him before speaking up?

[spookie]

*sigh*

 

You guys are probably right. I understand that if life is a game, I just made a series of really bad moves.

 

But is it really a game? I need to believe it's more simple. I need to believe that it's fair: that if you are honest, and you work hard, that you're in the right. Not if you ... play according to the rules.

[Lucky_One]

1. You're not in love with him. You are highly infatuated with him. True adult love takes more than what you have shared with this man. For all you know, he feeds a kitten once weekly to his pet anaconda.

2. You don't have to tell him everything. "Jack, I want a transfer. I want to do some work in the other department." Period. You are work to WORK, not to discuss your emotions or your distress over them.

 

I really do feel for you, because I think you are very young, and very impetuous, and very naive in the ways of the world (even though you think you are pretty worldly). The good news is that in 3 years, this situation will be so far in your past that you will laugh over all the angst you spent.

[You'reasian]

*sigh*

 

You guys are probably right. I understand that if life is a game, I just made a series of really bad moves.

 

But is it really a game? I need to believe it's more simple. I need to believe that it's fair: that if you are honest, and you work hard, that you're in the right. Not if you ... play according to the rules.

 

Life isn't fair, but its better to be honest and work hard.

 

Look at the guys who ran Enron. They were floating above the law at times.

[spookie]

1. You're not in love with him. You are highly infatuated with him. True adult love takes more than what you have shared with this man. For all you know, he feeds a kitten once weekly to his pet anaconda.

2. You don't have to tell him everything. "Jack, I want a transfer. I want to do some work in the other department." Period. You are work to WORK, not to discuss your emotions or your distress over them.

 

I really do feel for you, because I think you are very young, and very impetuous, and very naive in the ways of the world (even though you think you are pretty worldly). The good news is that in 3 years, this situation will be so far in your past that you will laugh over all the angst you spent.

 

1. I am. In all the ways I am capable of being.

 

2. I would not have gotten a transfer the way you suggested.

 

As long as I don't get fired before I know my next move, any outcome is better to me than waiting. With the new info I have, I am a little more free. *I* know I cannot stay and work for him. Now, I know my options.

[spookie]

Does anyone think there is any hope in May or June, like she suggested? Or, are they just putting me off?

[jerbear]

*I* know I cannot stay and work for him. Now, I know my options.

This is a good view to have. One other outcome is you can say you did it and 50 years later no regrets with if I, would I, had I.

[You'reasian]

1. I am. In all the ways I am capable of being.

 

2. I would not have gotten a transfer the way you suggested.

 

As long as I don't get fired before I know my next move, any outcome is better to me than waiting. With the new info I have, I am a little more free. *I* know I cannot stay and work for him. Now, I know my options.

 

Is he single? Sorry, I didn't ask this before. You work in his office, but have you actually spent time with him outside of work? on a date? etc.

 

How could you be in love with this guy, simply by working for him?

 

It still seems like bad juju dating someone from work.

[spookie]

It's hard to explain how things have been with Jack.

 

I've been more guarded. I know I've seemed more stressed and nervous.

 

But he's been overcompensating to keep our relationship at the same level of... chemistry, laughter, openness, fun, despite how productive we are.

 

Maybe he's just a really awesome boss. That's what my friends say. All of them think I'm delusional - he'd have made a move if he wanted to, where there's a will there's a way...

 

but....

 

How do I explain it? I feel like he's been acting in my best interests and watching my back. If he'd have made a move, it'd have placed my career and my mental stability in jeopardy. This is important to remember. Regardless of how he feels, I'm glad he didn't put me in a position to have to make that choice.

 

I know it's probably borderline crazy to retain my hope in this. But I continue having good gut feelings about the situation, regardless of the ample evidence not to.

[spookie]

Is he single? Sorry, I didn't ask this before. You work in his office, but have you actually spent time with him outside of work? on a date? etc.

 

How could you be in love with this guy, simply by working for him?

 

It still seems like bad juju dating someone from work.

 

He is single.

 

I get how it's hard to understand how I think I know him, when all I've done is work for him.

 

But here's what I do know about him.

 

He comes to work before 7 and rarely leaves the office before 5:30. On halfday fridays, he's there till 2 or 3, but he always seems happy, like he enjoys what he's doing, and the stress doens't seem to get to him. (Probably because he never has to be stressed out about HIS performance.)

 

He records shows and watches them on weeknights. On weekends, he plays a sport professionally. He likes baseball.

 

He's popular, but introverted. He's close to his family.

 

I don't think he has that many secrets. I don't think he's feeding kittens to anacondas right now.

 

I think the time I have spent with him has been in the most important part of his life.

[Touche]

I think the time I have spent with him has been in the most important part of his life.

 

What do you mean, spook?

[You'reasian]

Seems like you have a great boss. Now that you've explained yourself and your feelings its probably best that you keep them to yourself going forward - enjoy your job, be professional, continue to perform well like you have been and be thankful.

 

Keep on rollin'

[spookie]

What do you mean, spook?

 

I think he's a workaholic.

[Lucky_One]

How do I explain it? I feel like he's been acting in my best interests and watching my back. If he'd have made a move, it'd have placed my career and my mental stability in jeopardy. This is important to remember. Regardless of how he feels, I'm glad he didn't put me in a position to have to make that choice.

 

I know it's probably borderline crazy to retain my hope in this. But I continue having good gut feelings about the situation, regardless of the ample evidence not to.

 

Spookie. He narc'd you out. He did NOT have to go to HR and say that my newest direct hire has a crush on me and wants a transfer. All he had to do was go to HR and ask them about getting you a transfer. The crush thing could have stayed between the two of you.

 

He wasn't looking out for YOUR back. He was looking out for his own butt. He's worried about the possible legal condequences of a sexual harassment "he said, she said" suit.

 

He narc'd you - for his own best interests.

 

[jerbear]

He narc'd you - for his own best interests.

 

That is part of business and the real world. Ones own interests, self preservation, and CYA.

 

At least Spookie knows the answer now.

[BlueEyedGirl]

OK guys why is Jack not more distant or avoiding spookie? If she is seen as emotionally unstable and if he is not interested then it would be natural to assume that being nice to her is "leading her on". I mean any boss in this situation would think "Right, I might have been too friendly with her, she read it wrongly, I better distance myself before she gets obssesed even more". But he is not doing that. Why?

[CandyGirlXO]

But many, many people date at work. Let me ask you something. If this were merely a CO-WORKER, would your opinion be different?

 

I'm not saying what Spookie did was the most prudent move. I'm saying that romance in the workplace is pretty common.

 

Yeah I wonder what people think about this too. I am dating someone at work as well.... and it seems like MOST people here on LS are against it.

 

We have not told anyone at work about our relationship because it might be a LITTLE against policy. He is NOT my boss, but is above me.

 

I really feel for Spook, I have been following your crush for so long, and I could only relate. I felt the same way about my now BF... but you have a lot of courage.

 

I know it is unprofessional, but I give you A LOT of credit for saying something. I know that I would never do that mainly because I NEED my job, but also because I am too shy for that.

 

I'm sorry things are not panning out the way you wanted and hoped, but it all will work out eventually. No one can help their feelings, like my feelings I have for my co-worker as well.... but because he is your boss you probably should have not said anything, UNLESS you left the company.

[Alpha Female]

Does anyone think there is any hope in May or June, like she suggested? Or, are they just putting me off?

 

Spookie - I do believe this was her way of giving you a warning that with a restructuring, you would not be around.

 

Lucky: I don't think it's fair to say that Jack threw Spookie under a bus. He certainly didn't invite her confession, and was trying to do the right thing for his own career. I don't think anyone would do anything differently.

 

What I still think a lot of people are failing to understand is how the confession is perceived to a company. I said all of this weeks ago, and now it has all come to pass, and Spookie's HR manager said the same things.

 

Spookie, when she asked you if you would have done it differently, which we have asked as well, it was your opportunity to prove to her that you felt it was a big mistake, and that you wouldn't do it again. If you said that, she would have felt that you had made a one-off error, and it sounds like she would have been more forgiving. But, digging in your heels with attitude and the proclamation that you would do it all again that way, was probably more condemning that the original admission.

 

My advice stands. The writing is on the wall at this job, Spookie. Either you proactively deal with it, or reactively wait for the chips to fall.