LiL_Byrd Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Hello everyone, Okay, before I start, may I just say that I REALLY need some advice here... and I know this is a long post, but I am begging whomever is willing to read it to give it a chance because I really REALLY need some advice. Thank you!!! So, I met this guy on the internet in May of 08. He lived in Texas and I lived in California, but we had so much in common and we seemed to just fit with each other. I went to visit him in Texas for the first time in August of 08, and it was love at first site. The day I had to leave to go home I was crying and shivering in his arms, and he said, "Why don't you just stay...." In my heart I wanted nothing more than to forget California and just stay with him, but I knew in my head that I had to go home and settle things back there. So I did.... but we couldn't stay off of the phone with each other. I would cry and tell him that I missed him. Two weeks later he called me and said that he had a plane ticket, to pack my stuff in my car and we would drive back to Texas. So we did. I am now in Texas, and it has been almost 6 months (in Feb) that we have been together officially. The last 3 months have been very challenging for us both I feel. I am only working part-time, and cannot find work elsewhere because of the economy and he works for Circuit City and as you probably know, it is closing. He and his coworkers have 3 months to sell everything in the store, and then he is out of a job. So yea, we are very stressed with the money situation and our jobs. Not to mention that we have room mates. One of them is his brother, which isn't bad... his brother is funny and very quite so he doesn't bother me much. But our other room mate is a guy who, to keep the store short, has some really F*cked up mental issues. AND he now he invited his "girlfriend" (I am not sure what she is) to live with us, and she is even CRAZIER!!!! So, this also wears on us both. Me, I am a women, so I like to voice my opinion on things such as, them leaving crap all around the house, they are dirty and use my stuff and leave it for weeks in the sink without cleaning, not to mention they EAT MY FOOD! But I try to talk to my boyfriend about all this and he flips out! Literally and tells me to "Shut the F*ck up!" I understand that he doesn't want to hear it because he is tired of their behavior as well, but who do I have to talk to? I moved 1,600 miles to be with him.... I don't have ****. Also he says that I am not to talk about our problems or the houses problems outside of us.... well, if I can't talk to you (BF) and I can't talk to anyone else...... I guess I will just have to talk to the wall?! What the hell! O.o Also he is very.... ummm.... well I am not sure how to explain this. He isn't like any other guy I've ever been with before. He shows NO emotion what so ever. I mean, some times he does, but it's rare. I cried one night because I was missing my mother, (I am 22 btw), and he kept his gaze focused on the TV, and then patted me on the head as if I was a child or a pet and said, "I'm sorry" in an extremely monotone voice, still never leaving the gaze off the TV. I just rolled over and went to sleep. That's what I do most nights, simply roll over and go to sleep. And we start fighting over the stupidest stuff. I cannot even think of a for instance, but there stupid, trust me. I am a Taurus and he is an Aries... so I do think that we clash and butt heads in that way. But to this extent is just ridiculous. I feel and find that most of the time our arguments start by him trying to "one-up" me. He always knows what's best, what's right, and what he says goes. I feel like he treats me more like a father than a boyfriend. (Interesting tid bit... I was talking to his mother one day, and she said, "How are youre's and Terry's relationship going" and I said, "ummm...." and hesitated and she laughed and said, "Well, it's funny because sometimes I think Big Terry (her husband, my BF's dad) treats me more like a father than a husband, but I just kind of have to shut it off and say yes Dear." So.... maybe he gets it from his dad?) I feel also when our fights become a bit heavy, he begins to pick at me, at me weak spots and really digs in. He makes me feel like I am not trying and that I am the horrible girlfriend. He did this so bad one time when he was driving that I had 3 panic attacks simultaneously. And then after that happened he pulled over and tried to calm me down, because I think he saw how much it affected me. I really don't feel like he understands how fragile I am, from my past experiences with men in my life. I also don't think he understands that I dropped everything for him. I left my mother, my grandmother and grandfather and my brother and sister for him. Me and my family are very close, and my best friend in the whole world is my mom. I moved 1,600 miles for his ass!!! Show me some friggin' gratification or something.... I mean, right?! Another thing that is really starting to affect me mentally. We NEVER have sex anymore. We literally have sex 1 time a month... if that. And when we first met it wasn't like that at all.... trust me. And he always told me, "Oh I can go all night" and "If I want IT... I will take IT." SO FRIGGIN' TAKE IT THEN!!!! O.O I mean really! And when we do finally have sex it is no more than 3 minutes.... I have to fake an orgasm every time, just so I wont hurt his feelings. I find myself doing the deed on my own a lot more often these days. Is this normal?! And when he comes home from work he says that all he wants to do is relax.... so I let him relax. But I am afraid to do anything because he is usually grumpy from a bad day at work. And when I do start something it is usually oral on him.... but then he gets off, and I am like.... okay.... but nothing. Another thing.... he doesn't like giving me oral... he says that he has never liked it on any girls, but he will do it if it makes me happy. So we tried that, but I can't get it out of my head that he is hating it, so I never make him do it. Like I said before, he is unlike any guy I have EVER dated. My other past boyfriends couldn't get enough of any kind of sex with me.... so I know it's not me. What am I doing wrong? He is so distant and disinterested it's not even funny.... I also battle with self esteem issues... always have. But for once in my life I am taking charge and doing something about it. 2 years ago I weighed 200 pounds and I only stood at 4 feet 11 inches. I lost 80 pounds and got rid of a very abuse drug addicted boyfriend, of 4 years, and was so excited to start my new life. I am currently at about 140 pounds and I am still 4"11.... I am not fat, but I am not skinny.... but like I said I am doing something about it. I joined a gym and I am working out a lot and changing my eating habits. My boyfriend is overweight. He is 5'3 and idk... 250 pounds maybe, I am not a good judge of weight, haha! But he's a big guy. He carries a lot of weight in his belly and his face, and I still love him, but I do think he would be more attractive if he got healthy. He said when I wanted to start a diet, "Oh! Ill do it with you." But he doesn't.... and the things that he is eating he says are healthy but I am like..... ha.... really?! Anyways.... so I am trying to better myself for me, and for him. I feel that if I loose weight that he will find me more attractive. I am not sure. I know I am rambling on, but there is only one more thing.... When I met him, he told me that he had never really liked white girls (he is also white), and he's dated mostly latinos, african americans and asians, which is cool with me, I don't mind that. But he is like.... super obsessed with asians, and it's making me kind of sick and worried. All, and I mean ALL of his porn movies are of asians..... every single one. And I was looking on his laptop like 2 months ago and I found a folder that was labeled stuff or something like that I don't remember... but there were thousands and thousands of pornographic pictures of asians on there. And a few of this girl that him and I both know, thats asian.... my heart fell to my stomach. I coyly asked him about it a few days later and he was like, "What!? Where?" so I showed him and he said, "OMG! Those are sooooo old" and then he deleted them...... so.... I really don't know what to make of that. Also one last thing, when I was visiting him here the first time I was on his computer about to check my email when his popped open. He had an email in there from some asian named girl. Yea... and I opened it.... They were flirting back and forth and then he said something like, "I don't like white girls, they are annoying and snotty and ugly too. I would never date one again." And that letter was from a few months before we started talking. Am I being over paranoid? He says that he wants to be with me, and when he is drunk he says that he can't see himself being with anyone else, and he says that he wants to marry me.... but then all this **** happens and it's like, what do I do? What's the real truth here? I know this post is long as hell, and I love you for reading all of it. But I really have some questions that I would like answered. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. HELP!!!!! ~Erin~
ruggy Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 OP, sorry to hear, but things do not seem to be working for you. Have you considered taking some time apart?
purpleplanet Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 The situation you're in sounds horrible. Can you move back to California, even if it's temporary, it may help gain some perspective. The lack of interest in sex is a pretty bad sign, and he's not even treating you well! Can you really spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't listen to you?
sunshinegirl Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 OP, I only skimmed your post (it was very long!) but you have a LOT of large red flags waving at you that you really should not ignore. Here's one: He shows NO emotion what so ever. I mean, some times he does, but it's rare. I cried one night because I was missing my mother, (I am 22 btw), and he kept his gaze focused on the TV, and then patted me on the head as if I was a child or a pet and said, "I'm sorry" in an extremely monotone voice, still never leaving the gaze off the TV. I dated a man like this. Stay with this guy and I guarantee you (1) it won't get better; (2) the longer you go without emotional support and connection, the worse YOU will feel; and (3) you will never feel close or fulfilled in this relationship. And that's only one of the flags. Please do something great for yourself and leave this guy.
CommitmentPhobe Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I think you're very brave to move state to follow your heart. I really don't think this guy understands what it took for you to do that. The problem is that it's pretty clear that the relationship isn't working out as planned. I would agree with the person that suggests going back to Cali to get some perspective.
Enema Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I don't understand why women stay with guys that treat them like this. You haven't posted any redeeming qualities he has and I can see a number of things you posted that would be "Goodbye!", not to mention all of them together! Do you stay because you think you can't do any better? Do you think you deserve better? Leave him, go home. Don't "fall in love" at first sight again.
dashing daisy Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 It sounds like a one-way relationship. You do everything for him, and he's not doing anything for you besides treat you badly and make you upset. Why are you staying there? My advice would be move back to California, at the very least, temporarily, and spend some time with your family. Get some perspective, and then see if you want to go back.
Capricciosa Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 You went from a drug abuser to an emotional abuser. I would say get out now before any more damage to your self-esteem happens. One of the #1 things abusers do is isolate you from your friends and family--the better to control you. I see no bright future here--just darkness. Please go back to sunny Cali where you are loved, and seek some treatment that will prevent you for "falling in love at first sight" with such dangerous losers again.
Author LiL_Byrd Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 Thank you all for taking the time to read my story and give me awesome feedback. Sadly I don't think I can move back to CA. I have a career out here, with a company that I've been dyeing to work for since I was 13!! I've already called the M.A.C's in CA and they are not hiring, because of the messed up economy. UGH! I just don't know what to do. I also cannot move out on my own here in Austin, because.... I HAVE NO MONEY. I only work at M.A.C 15 hours a week, and I am trying to find a second part-time job, but there's no luck there either because of the economy. And I can't live with any of my friends.... it's a catch 22 I am in here. At 22 years old I thought I would have been settling down (not marriage) just with a career and MY OWN PLACE!!! I've never had my own place.... I would very much like to have my own personal place to call home. But, I am poor. SOMEONE THROW ME A BONE!!!!
BikerBeagle Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 The only person that can change your situation is ...wait for it ...wait for it ...you. Blaming the "messed up economy" for keeping you in a bad situation is a cop out. It seems like you have figured out all of the many reasons why you CAN'T, try thinking of one CAN. Heck, take RichGuy up on his offer. =)
uRabbit Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 A man not having sex when his woman wants to? Have you made hints at the fact you want to have sex? If so, and he still denies you, he may be getting it somewhere else. Or he's one of those rare, strange men. Heh.
Star Gazer Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 You work for MAC? The cosmetic company? Most artists move around. I know one who works for MAC, Chanel, and Bobbi Brown...all at different stores. You can look around.
Author LiL_Byrd Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 A man not having sex when his woman wants to? Have you made hints at the fact you want to have sex? If so, and he still denies you, he may be getting it somewhere else. Or he's one of those rare, strange men. Heh. I have hinted, and I have straight up said, "WE NEVER HAVE SEX". And still.... nothing. Like this morning, he got out of the shower and he had like a semi hard-on. And I was like, "Hey are you horny?" And I touched him, and he was all, "No, just a random hard-on." And then he finished getting ready for work. I was like..... are you f-ing kidding me? And there is no way that he can be getting it somewhere else, because he goes to work and comes home, and we're always together.
Author LiL_Byrd Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 You work for MAC? The cosmetic company? Most artists move around. I know one who works for MAC, Chanel, and Bobbi Brown...all at different stores. You can look around. Yes, I work for M.A.C Cosmetics. And that person that you know is either lying to you or she is doing something VERY wrong. When you work for M.A.C you are NOT aloud to work for ANY other makeup company. And if they find out that you are you will be fired and you'll probably never be able to go back into the makeup field. So.... trust me, she's lying.
Author LiL_Byrd Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 The only person that can change your situation is ...wait for it ...wait for it ...you. Blaming the "messed up economy" for keeping you in a bad situation is a cop out. It seems like you have figured out all of the many reasons why you CAN'T, try thinking of one CAN. Heck, take RichGuy up on his offer. =) Wow, tough love much? LoL! Trust me honey, I have looked and looked and called and called to try to find work..... THERE IS NOTHING OUT THERE. Not even walmart!!
Star Gazer Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 So.... trust me, she's lying. I don't think she is. At one point she was working for the MAC store right outside the Nordstrom where she worked for Chanel. They both knew about the other.
Author LiL_Byrd Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 I don't think she is. At one point she was working for the MAC store right outside the Nordstrom where she worked for Chanel. They both knew about the other. Really? Then both of those managers can also be fired. I have talked to the man who owns M.A.C the main manager, so to speak, and even he has told me that when you work for M.A.C you ARE a M.A.C artist.... not anyone else's. My M.A.C manager in California also told me this, and my current manager at M.A.C has also said this to me. Not to mention all my co-workers and other M.A.C artist friends. So..... that needs to be reported. If I cared I would do it, haha... but I don't. But you might want to tell her that she is risking both of her jobs.
LovieDove24 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Lil Byrd... There ARE still jobs out there. One idea is to search for jobs outside of the cosmetic field. I don't know how familiar you are with the position of CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) but it is a job that is in EXTREMELY high demand right now all over the united states. There are MANY major hospitals who are offering the 3-6 week training class while paying you to earn your certificate. And you will have a guaranteed job upon completion. It is just one option of many...there are opportunities if you choose to go look for them. Attend a local career fair and sign up with local job searching agencies. They will help you create a resume and set you up with interviews. You say you are stuck because you are thinking like a stuck person. Your situation with your boyfriend is terrible. And you need to get out of there. If you say you "must" stay in Texas, then stay in Texas. But be prepared to do so with no familial support. There will be no winning with your boyfriend. Everything you explained about him sounds disgusting IMO.
Geishawhelk Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 You asked people to throw you a bone. Yet every time anyone has, you've snapped their fingers off instead. Come on girl. think!! What CAN you do for yourself? You got yourself into this cr*p, now get yourself out! You're resourceful, and I can't believe you left yourself no contingency plan to fall back on.... Now that - was dumb......! You have nobody - absolutely nobody - you could call on in CA for help?
Author LiL_Byrd Posted January 24, 2009 Author Posted January 24, 2009 Lil Byrd... There ARE still jobs out there. One idea is to search for jobs outside of the cosmetic field. I don't know how familiar you are with the position of CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) but it is a job that is in EXTREMELY high demand right now all over the united states. There are MANY major hospitals who are offering the 3-6 week training class while paying you to earn your certificate. And you will have a guaranteed job upon completion. It is just one option of many...there are opportunities if you choose to go look for them. Attend a local career fair and sign up with local job searching agencies. They will help you create a resume and set you up with interviews. You say you are stuck because you are thinking like a stuck person. Your situation with your boyfriend is terrible. And you need to get out of there. If you say you "must" stay in Texas, then stay in Texas. But be prepared to do so with no familial support. There will be no winning with your boyfriend. Everything you explained about him sounds disgusting IMO. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply, with that being said: Being that I work for M.A.C cosmetics, I CANNOT work for any other makeup company or line.... so all the work that I am looking for is anything other than makeup. I already faxed my resume to the 5 different temp agencies here in Austin, and I went to an interview for one of them yesterday. They hired me, but now I am playing the waiting game, and waiting to hear from them to tell me if they have a job for me or not. And as far as the whole medical assistant thing, I want to go back to school to be a Radiology Technician. I am looking into schools but it is EXTREMELY expensive.... all schools are. So, like I said, catch 22. You guys are saying, oh your stuck because you act stuck, or your not trying.... trust me when I say I am trying. And if I was to end it with my boyfriend I would have no where to go.
Geishawhelk Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Really? Then both of those managers can also be fired. I have talked to the man who owns M.A.C the main manager, so to speak, and even he has told me that when you work for M.A.C you ARE a M.A.C artist.... not anyone else's. My M.A.C manager in California also told me this, and my current manager at M.A.C has also said this to me. Not to mention all my co-workers and other M.A.C artist friends. So..... that needs to be reported. If I cared I would do it, haha... but I don't. But you might want to tell her that she is risking both of her jobs. All MAC consultants here in the UK are hired as independent freelance associates, meaning that providing they put in specified hours for MAC they are also able to operate for other companies. MAC have to take priority, but basically, that done, they're free agents. I'm sure however, that different reg's apply according to the country......
LovieDove24 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Oh and to answer your question as to whether your bf is in love with you or not. It is possible, but it doesnt appear he knows what love really is. The way you know whether a relationship is a good one or not is by comparing it with other healthy relationships you already have in your life. For instance, your best friend is always there for you when you call crying about some boy. You both do fun activities together and are able to talk for hours. You both respect each other and feel comfortable to tell the other "whats up" if necessary. Now if you ran to her crying about something "stupid" would they completely ignore you? Or would they actually listen to you? Hold you or push you away? Think about it. What healthy relationships do you or have you had in your life that you can compare your bf with? He doesnt look good...
Author LiL_Byrd Posted January 24, 2009 Author Posted January 24, 2009 You asked people to throw you a bone. Yet every time anyone has, you've snapped their fingers off instead. Come on girl. think!! What CAN you do for yourself? You got yourself into this cr*p, now get yourself out! You're resourceful, and I can't believe you left yourself no contingency plan to fall back on.... Now that - was dumb......! You have nobody - absolutely nobody - you could call on in CA for help? Your right... and I am sorry for that. I am just SO frustrated! I am smart and resourceful yes, but there's really nothing I can do. If I don't have money to live on my own then I can't do it. And like I said, none of my friends will help me. And yea, I have grandparents in CA that I could call and ask for help, but they would laugh at me and tell me, "I told you so!" And.... that would be that. So, idk.... this sucks.
Author LiL_Byrd Posted January 24, 2009 Author Posted January 24, 2009 All MAC consultants here in the UK are hired as independent freelance associates, meaning that providing they put in specified hours for MAC they are also able to operate for other companies. MAC have to take priority, but basically, that done, they're free agents. I'm sure however, that different reg's apply according to the country...... That is true! But once you are no longer a freelancer and you have normal guaranteed hours every week, then you are no longer allowed to work for any other makeup company.
Recommended Posts