That's it. I'm a weak idiot. It's never going to end.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Since I've seen nothing much change in 3mos. I'm pretty convinced you'll be here in another 6 mos if not 6 years.

 

I don't believe she will still be in this R in 6 mos.

 

 

 

I guess I wanted to appeal to you b/c of the health care commaradarie thing. I just finished my 6th semester of nursing school ....2 to go. I'm baffled why you think med school not going to be taxing for you. I went into my program which granted not med school, but still one of the most difficult in my area with a 4.0, it's dropped to a 3.5 b/c of co reqs and that's all I do. So I'm concerned that while your heart is in turmoil you think you can handle this, but I get it, it's not my life

 

I disagree. Starting med school is a terrible time to begin or be in a completely unestablished R. Infact it would be taxing on the most stable R's.

 

On the other hand, and I thought about this when I read your OP but it's kind of off the subject, you are about to embark on an incredible journey. The R's and experiences that you will deveop and share with your peers in a program like this is the most incredbille bond. You will make tons of the most dear friends as you all struggle to succeed together. It will become an us against them kind of thing, kind of like the bond between war buddies. It will be something best enjoyed if you are single.

 

You really have so much to look forward to, Kismet.

[SerenityX2]

I hope you're right Wishes, I'm basing it on she's been here on a down hill slide for 3 mos accepting less and less and has been in this for 4 years....she's not shown signs of growing tired of it, quite the opposite, she clings harder when there's no reciprocation.

 

FWIW I agree that med school is no time for new r'ships, even nursing school new r'ships can crash and burn. They tell you that in orientation, if you're not in a rock solid r'ship/marriage, this may do it in b/c it's intense.

 

I meant 3 mos ago, she could have healed and moved on, b/c if I had the time line right MCATS in the Spring would mean maybe starting in the fall or even later? I just don't see she'll be the one to walk away from this. She allowed him to mess with her last grade, I think it's foolish to think it can't happen again.

 

No way would I encourage a new r'ship. I'm the first one to say that happiness comes from within and no way can someone else give that to you. My orig plan back in 04 was to go to school on my own, however I was blessed enough to meet my husband which enabled me to go to a different school that required me to quit my job.

 

But Kismet's made it clear she can't stand to be alone, although the irony is in essence she still is but refuses to see it that way.

 

I don't mean it harsh when I say "she won't listen" and I find it hard b/c I see the promise in her, I really do but yet I must let it go and stop giving her my thoughts. I get it now, I really do, the pain of facing reality is worse to her than the shards he gives her. Pretty much the theme of many OW on here. I've learned much while I was here.

[KismetGirl]

It's not that Im happy with this situation....it's that no matter what I do, no matter how busy my days are, and I do have plenty of great friends and very close family that live near me, when Im home at the end of the day by myself it's like this constant void, this emptyness, and Im so tired of feeling that way. I don't know how to fill it anymore.

 

When Im with MM, I forget this feeling. I've said it before- it is like a drug addicition. It helps you to temporarily forget.

 

I just don't know what else to go to make this terrible lonely void go away. I tell my own patients to try and acknowledge what their "triggers" are, what makes then want to use drugs, to find coping mechanisms, alternate behaviours, and there are parallels with this and with my clinging to this A that obviously can't do anywhere, but there's no methadone to make the pain of withdrawal go away in my case.

 

Hell, maybe I need a better therapist, i dont know. Im kind of stuck going to wherever my insurance is willing to pay, but I dnt know anymore. I feel very stuck, and despite havinga ton of friends and family that love me and rely on me themselves for so much, I feel so lonely. My mother tells me she wishes I'd be happy more often, that my nine year old sister seems to be the only person to genuinly put a smile on my face , and well, children are easy to do that :-) They're always happy and innocent and make you laugh.

 

But I think at the end of the day Im just massively stressed, and feel like Im trying to do everything on my own. The application process is so expensive by itself, Im so broke right now, the witch of a pre-med advisor had the nerve to tell me the other day that "if you were serious about medical school you would quit your job and just take more classes" (um....I already have a college degree, and really, does she want to pay my rent????). My whole life, I'm the eldest, I'm the responsible one, I help my mother take care of my younger siblings, I help my friends, and Im so freaking tired, I want someone to take care of me for a change.

 

When MM was here the other day and just sat on my couch with me we just hugged for about 20 minutes, not saying a word, not moving, just lay there with my head on his shoulder and his cheek on the top of my head and I felt safe and comfortable and that lonely, hideous void went away for just a little while.

 

I wish I could find some other way to have that nice, pleasant, comfortable feeling. I don't come here just to vent, and I don't ignore the advice people throw me, and Im not really in denial either. I'm just at a loss, in desperation to stop feeling miserable. I loathe self-pity and yet constantly find myself in a never-ending state of it, doing it without realizing it and then later being disgusted with myself for being so pathetic.

 

Funny thing, if any of you met me, you'd probably have no clue. I go about my day, do my job, help out my patients, put on a smile when its the last thing I want to do, and then I go home at night and look forward to sleep. Sleep is the best part of my day, what little of it I get, because I don't have to think.

 

I'll get through this eventually......this can't last forever. Eventually I'll meet someone else....it's happened at least once in these last four years that I met someone else and was able to forget about MM, or at least enough to not want to contact him. I know it can happen again, and maybe I'll meet someone in med school, or maybe I'll meet someone tomorrow.

 

Sometimes I'm just mentally exhausted and want to fly away, sit on a beach for a week by myself and not think, but haven't really got that option at the moment :-) Time to get my a** in gear and study, study , study.....MCAT in exactly three months.

 

I won't call MM this week. I haven't got any more excuses to call. He gave me my letter of reccomendation already. There's no other legitimate excuse to just call him up. Maybe he won't call me either. Guess we'll see this week...

[bentnotbroken]

At least you admitted you are making excuses to talk and see him. You are going to crash and burn, is that what you want? Is it in your future plans? Do you think that MM will come in on his trusty white steed and save you from the dragon? Listen the only one who can save you from this dragon is you. Why because you are the dragon destroying everything that you have worked for and your life in the process.

[Mr. Lucky]

My mother tells me she wishes I'd be happy more often, that my nine year old sister seems to be the only person to genuinly put a smile on my face , and well, children are easy to do that :-) They're always happy and innocent and make you laugh.

Having the perspective of having a child at at a later, more relaxed time in my life, I think you're missing an important lesson your sister is trying to show you: find joy in simple things. Give a kid a cardboard box and they'll make a castle out of it. You've been given a full, purposeful life of work, school, family and friends and you find it wanting. Look at the contrast between those two points of view. I think your insight about changing therapists is good. Even limited by your insurance plan, a new approach might have some value for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[frannie]

It's not that Im happy with this situation....it's that no matter what I do, no matter how busy my days are, and I do have plenty of great friends and very close family that live near me, when Im home at the end of the day by myself it's like this constant void, this emptyness, and Im so tired of feeling that way. I don't know how to fill it anymore.

 

When Im with MM, I forget this feeling. I've said it before- it is like a drug addicition. It helps you to temporarily forget.

 

I just don't know what else to go to make this terrible lonely void go away. I tell my own patients to try and acknowledge what their "triggers" are, what makes then want to use drugs, to find coping mechanisms, alternate behaviours, and there are parallels with this and with my clinging to this A that obviously can't do anywhere, but there's no methadone to make the pain of withdrawal go away in my case.

 

Hell, maybe I need a better therapist, i dont know. Im kind of stuck going to wherever my insurance is willing to pay, but I dnt know anymore. I feel very stuck, and despite havinga ton of friends and family that love me and rely on me themselves for so much, I feel so lonely. My mother tells me she wishes I'd be happy more often, that my nine year old sister seems to be the only person to genuinly put a smile on my face , and well, children are easy to do that :-) They're always happy and innocent and make you laugh.

 

When I read your first para I chuckled to myself and said: that's why wine was invented! And then you went on to talk about addictions and a lack of ability to turn off and de-stress, a lack of coping mechanisms. It's exactly this inability to cope with the lonely flat, the combined boredom and stress that a lot of us feel that makes us reach out towards something to take it all away; be it sex, alcohol or whatever.

 

I also noted that you said your Mum told you she wished you were happier more often. Not to criticise, but I think that pressure that other people, and we ourselves put on ourselves to think and feel in some way OTHER than our natural state is actually crippling. What pressure to 'be happy'. If we're stressed or bored or lonely, why not admit it and even embrace it. I just wrote on another thread about the pointlessness and stress of trying to deny our feelings, or fretting about them. If you can accept them, you don't NEED to escape them. But the strange and amazing thing is that once you've stopped fighting and accepted that you're bored, and that that's ok... the boredness goes away... you naturally replace it with something other than bored. Try it: just accept the pain, loneliness, anxiety... and it works its way through you and OUT. Fighting it is just a way to hold on to it.

 

What's wrong with being bored or stressed, or being unhappy? If you can accept your life for what it is, rather than fighting it all the time, you can begin to change it in small ways. The first thing I'd do in your position is to accept what you have, however 'negative' it seems. Then to work on distraction techniques, so you don't become obsessional about how you're feeling. And also some de-stressing: for example, learn how to take a bath 'mindfully' (check it out), really enjoying the moment of being alone in the world with your own mind...

 

These things might not suit your personality, of course, but I thought I'd throw them out for consideration anyway.

[Spinning Head]

KG - You have too many fires burning! You cannot do it all successfully. You are trying to get into med school, maintain a job, your studies, deal with MM, etc. It is just too much! You need to take a step back to decide what you want in your life right now.

 

MM is a coward (my favorite way, right now, of describing MM who engage in affairs and won't leave their marriages). Take a step back, pull off the blinders and look at MM's life - isn't it sad that he chooses to remain in a marriage wherein he has to look outside of it to find validation of himself? MM is the weak idiot.

 

I attended a top ten university, went on to grad school from which I graduated with honors, worked my way up in my profession to become part owner of a business then left to run my own business. And, I worked the entire time, sometimes two jobs at a time. There is absolutely no way I could have gotten through college and grad school and concentrated on my career while being involved with a MM.

 

You need to take this time of your life to put yourself first. The decisions you make now about med school and your future will have far reaching implications. MM will remain stuck where he is - that is his choice. You are on the brink of an exciting part of your life - I loved grad school even though it was very competitive and I made long lasting friendships. There are many positive and good times ahead of you.