That's it. I'm a weak idiot. It's never going to end.

[joybean72]

Kismet...Kismet...Kismet, there's really nothing I can tell ya that hasn't already been said. I hope you figure it out....soon.

[jj33]

KG - You really need to start taking responsibility for your actions. You are not 18 and this has been going on for some time. And you need to start making choices that support you rather than make your life more difficult.

 

First are you really broke? Because last I checked people who are really broke dont fly off to europe for a long weekend. So if you are really broke why put yourself in a position that put you under even more pressure?

 

Over the course of your posts you have moaned and whined about how awful and hard your life has been and that is why you keep MM in the picture. Why not start being a little tiny bit greatful. Put on your big girl shoes and be a grown up.

 

How many people would give their right arm to be able to have a job in a medical field, be on the verge of being accepted to medical schoool, and have the luxury of thinking about jetting off to London for a long weekend?

 

Of course you work hard - most of the planet works hard - and without those perks or opportunities.

 

As for MM, you give him no reason to treat you other than as a doormat. You dont even expect him to treat you with common decency.

 

Have you read your earlier posts? Perhaps you should and you would revisit the idea that he loves you. He doesnt. He is using you plain and simple and YOU LET HIM.

 

He dumped you during finals remember? you were a mess.

 

He came over and f**cked you and then didnt call for several days.

 

Basically you are a booty call for him - today he came with the reccomendatoin and you invited him in and then slept with him - how does that say he loves you?

 

Of course he misses you but that is not the same thing as love - he misses no strings attached sex. Im sure he misses your company but from what you tell the forum the only company you provide each other is in bed.

 

Im saddened that you dont hold him to any standards of decency with respect to how he treats you. You deserve so much better. But (1) you wont get it while you let him get away with all this and (2) I am not sure even if you expected more that he is capable of stepping up.

 

Noone with any compassion would treat you the way that he does. Sure he is loving sometimes - its all part of hte cakeeater game. He is a narcissist. Its all very sad.

[jj33]

KG I dont mean to be harsh with you but this A has you on all sorts of incredible highs and lows its interfered with your job, interefered with your studies.

 

Basically its impaired your ability to function. And the main reason is because of the havoc it plays with your self esteem. If you didnt feel like the lowest form of life evertime he does one ridiculous thing or another, you could functoin.

 

I understand why you have trouble pulling away from him totally - everyone does that in your own time. But please please please, stand up for yourself in one way or another. Dont continue to let him treat you with such utter disregard.

 

Its not romantic. Its not any of the things you are telling yourself it is. It just sucks.

[KismetGirl]

KG - You really need to start taking responsibility for your actions. You are not 18 and this has been going on for some time. And you need to start making choices that support you rather than make your life more difficult.

 

First are you really broke? Because last I checked people who are really broke dont fly off to europe for a long weekend. So if you are really broke why put yourself in a position that put you under even more pressure?

 

Over the course of your posts you have moaned and whined about how awful and hard your life has been and that is why you keep MM in the picture. Why not start being a little tiny bit greatful. Put on your big girl shoes and be a grown up.

 

How many people would give their right arm to be able to have a job in a medical field, be on the verge of being accepted to medical schoool, and have the luxury of thinking about jetting off to London for a long weekend?

 

Of course you work hard - most of the planet works hard - and without those perks or opportunities.

 

As for MM, you give him no reason to treat you other than as a doormat. You dont even expect him to treat you with common decency.

 

Have you read your earlier posts? Perhaps you should and you would revisit the idea that he loves you. He doesnt. He is using you plain and simple and YOU LET HIM.

 

He dumped you during finals remember? you were a mess.

 

He came over and f**cked you and then didnt call for several days.

 

Basically you are a booty call for him - today he came with the reccomendatoin and you invited him in and then slept with him - how does that say he loves you?

 

Of course he misses you but that is not the same thing as love - he misses no strings attached sex. Im sure he misses your company but from what you tell the forum the only company you provide each other is in bed.

 

Im saddened that you dont hold him to any standards of decency with respect to how he treats you. You deserve so much better. But (1) you wont get it while you let him get away with all this and (2) I am not sure even if you expected more that he is capable of stepping up.

 

Noone with any compassion would treat you the way that he does. Sure he is loving sometimes - its all part of hte cakeeater game. He is a narcissist. Its all very sad.

 

Well I do take responsibility. I get frustrated afterwards but Ive never put the blame on anyone else, MM included. He came by today to give me my letter. Of course, he could have stayed downstairs and asked me to come down and get it, but I suspect he wanted to see me like I wanted to see him. When he came up he didnt come near me. He looked awkward, as he should probably just hand me the letter and leave but I asked him if he wanted to sit for a minute and chat. And sitting lead to be putting my head on his shoulder and hugging him and it felt so so good to be there again, when his hand started rubbing my waist i didnt resist. He stopped for a moment again, as usual, and said if we're really going to do this again, and I told him if it meant he wouldnt talk to me again, then no, I wouldnt sleep with him, because I'd rather have him in my life as a friend than not speak to him ever again. But admittadly, I said if he was planning on starting this up again, I might be amenable to it.

 

I dont tend to think very clearly when he's sitting right in front of me. I admit it.

 

Anyway I dont have the luxury of hopping to London. I found a roudtrip ticket I could use airline miles to purchase and Im just not sure if i should go because I am pretty broke and have alot of medical school application expenses coming up and even spending a couple hundred bucks in London is a stretch, but I feel like I want to get away from here for a couple days. My friend is there on business and she said I could crash at her hotel room. I'd see some of my friends that live there while Im there....it could be nice.

 

I never said my life was the worst life in the world. There is always someone out there that has it worse than you. I have a great family, most of my health (if not almost my mental sanity, but physically Im ok). I have a place to live and Im not starving. granted, these are all good things.

 

I do kind of hate my job, I am sick of the single thing, Im very ready to settle somewhere, and the only person I've really loved in the last four years keeps coming in and out of my life and Ive found it impossible each time to tell him to leave. Today, I swear, if he had said one more time that we couldnt speak again if we slept together (which, mind you, he had said in the past when we broke up once or twice), I told him then fine, we wouldnt sleep together, and I would have kept to it. But I guess thinking he was ok with keeping it up again, I dont know, I gave into it. These last two months Ive dated a couple guys, and I've slept with this guy I went to college with, and it just doesnt feel the same. I feel like Im going through the motions. Today when I slept with MM it was passionate and longing and something I honestly miss from my life for a long time.....that's a hard thing to let go of.

 

Im not blaming anyone else. It's all my fault. I shouldnt have let him up again, but I did.

 

Im not asking for pity....I guess im just hoping that maybe, even if people have already told me the same thing 500 times, that maybe eventually after 600 times something in my head will snap and I'll end all this. I have no idea anymore, i really dont.....

[SerenityX2]

JJ33 I could kiss you! :bunny: FANTASTIC ADVICE...I saw her post and wasn't even going to reply but....

 

Your post was perfect, but probably will fall on deaf ears as WWIU stated she doesn't want to change the dynamic.

 

I was really disappointed to come here after awhile and see the same cycle. There's a reason I should probably just stay away....advice goes unheard b/c it's not validation. I was inspired by another patient today whose father cheated on her mom the first 10 years of her life. She's on her 2nd marriage with a child sick w/encephalitis she felt she was being "selfish" for wanting another child when she already has a 16 y/o and 5 y/o. The point is, amazing what some people do and don't perceive as selfish. This was one of the nicest families I've ever met since being in nursing.

 

K...JJ hit the nail on the head with saying you are taking zero responsibilites for your actions, and truly need to grow up and count the blessings you do have. You are certainly on the path to trash your education no matter how smart you profess to be. The science classes are critical to the med field and I'm surprised you were so cavalier about the C in organic chem. You are not going to be able to succeed in med school with him in the picture and you just don't get it.

 

I echo what JJ said, he doesn't love you it's clear to everyone else but you, but why bother? Like you said you have zero desire to change it's like you posted this for a feel good, "look I got him again and could care less about the destruction in everyone's path". So good for you, you regained your status as a booty call, I'm sure it's not worth it.

 

Sad Kismet really Sad. Your's is one of the saddest tales out there and it's all in your power to change....yet you play it like it's out of your control. The longer you stay in this the stronger the addiction, you are really kidding yourself that you can just "break this" one day and find Mr. Right. You stated before that your biggest fear was that you'll wake up 5years from now in the same situation. You are guaranteeing that future.

 

And for those that think Kismet's tough love is too tough, go back and read her history. We care, but honestly it's pointless, but maybe it'll help someone else out there.

[SerenityX2]

KG I dont mean to be harsh with you but this A has you on all sorts of incredible highs and lows its interfered with your job, interefered with your studies.

 

Basically its impaired your ability to function. And the main reason is because of the havoc it plays with your self esteem. If you didnt feel like the lowest form of life evertime he does one ridiculous thing or another, you could functoin.

 

I understand why you have trouble pulling away from him totally - everyone does that in your own time. But please please please, stand up for yourself in one way or another. Dont continue to let him treat you with such utter disregard.

 

Its not romantic. Its not any of the things you are telling yourself it is. It just sucks.

 

 

Again, JJ brilliant. And I don't mean to be harsh either. I just wish she'd GET IT....so damn much promise and potential for this guy??

 

Kismet YOU are telling yourself these things it's the fantasy not reality. I wish you would SEE it. It's almost as if you are seeing yourself as undestructable and one way or another you'll find yourself happy on the otherside. The thing is, it takes incredible work and much introspection to get to that side, you don't just wake up one day and *poof* you're there. You have to be willing. Your choice, but you know that.

[jj33]

KG i dont know if you read my 2nd post but you really should think about that. The self esteem issue is your biggest problem either that or he is a master emotional manipulator.

 

He humiliates you again and again and still you go back.

 

Yes even people with great lives can be stressed and be depressed but really if you read your posts.....

 

as far as i am concerned its not even the fact that he is married its that he is just so totally disrespectful and you accept it.

 

If you do get on a plane read that book This Charming Man by Marion Keyes if they dont have it at JFK they do at Heathrow. I guarantee you will feel differently about this after you do.

 

You arent the only one who has ever allowed herself to be manipulated by a loser like this. But its time to take steps to stop it.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Kismet,

 

I'm not understanding this. Why would he say that if you sleep together you can never talk again?? I understand that this was said in the past and not today. That makes no sense. I can see him saying, if you hang up on me we can never talk again, but something that would require his participation as much a sex is completely different to me.

 

Where did he come up with this? Is he blameshifting to make it your fault that he is cheating? I really don't geth where he is coming from with this.

 

And go to London and have a blast. If you spend the money then you won't have the luxury of laying out of work when your emotions get the best of you.

[Reggie]

This is such a weird ,twisted tale. Are you getting any type of therapy, Kissmet?

[Dexter Morgan]

Well, not until I get married or something.

 

And the idiocy continues.

 

Guess who came by my place to drop off my letters of recc he wrote me.

 

Guess who insisted that he come in for a cup of coffee and a chat since I hadn't seen him in a couple months.

 

Guess who couldn't help herself and hugged him really hard when he was about to leave.

 

Guess who coudln't resist sliding his hands down to my butt while I was hugging him.

 

Guess who couldn't resist giving him a soft little kiss on the neck.

 

Guess which two idiots ended up sleeping together again. Twice.

 

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've not got much to say for myself anymore.

 

And what's worse, Im not sure Im even that upset about it. I possibly will be once this post-sex-seeing-MM-again euphoria wears off I suppose....but at the moment Im not even that upset about it.

 

Argh.

 

All I can say is, this guy is damn good. He knows how to easily manipulate. He wants sex and knows how to get it and who to get it from.

[awkward]

Well I do take responsibility. I get frustrated afterwards but Ive never put the blame on anyone else, MM included. He came by today to give me my letter. Of course, he could have stayed downstairs and asked me to come down and get it, but I suspect he wanted to see me like I wanted to see him. When he came up he didnt come near me. He looked awkward, as he should probably just hand me the letter and leave but I asked him if he wanted to sit for a minute and chat. And sitting lead to be putting my head on his shoulder and hugging him and it felt so so good to be there again, when his hand started rubbing my waist i didnt resist. He stopped for a moment again, as usual, and said if we're really going to do this again, and I told him if it meant he wouldnt talk to me again, then no, I wouldnt sleep with him, because I'd rather have him in my life as a friend than not speak to him ever again. But admittadly, I said if he was planning on starting this up again, I might be amenable to it.

 

Im not blaming anyone else. It's all my fault. I shouldnt have let him up again, but I did.

Im not asking for pity....I guess im just hoping that maybe, even if people have already told me the same thing 500 times, that maybe eventually after 600 times something in my head will snap and I'll end all this. I have no idea anymore, i really dont.....

 

I'm so sorry KG. HE is making YOU look desperate again. YOU are not desperate. He is manipulating you. Out of all the MM stories I've read on here, this guy is at the top of the list of the worst.

 

Even the way you tell the story, I can picture MM saying No I don't want this, etc. Of course he does LMAO. Why else did he come over if not for a piece of cake? He has your heart and is stomping all over it. You don't have his heart, you never did.

 

YOU will make it through this. This guy will NEVER be yours. Dust yourself off, change your number, move to another place, and get a new email address. Do these things for yourself because he is only hurting you. Even if you wanted to be just the OW, I would give you the same advice because of the way he manipulates you and makes you look desperate until he FINALLY gives in and sleeps with you. He is pathetic.

[awkward]

KG I want to add this. I am not an OW. I am not a BW. I found this site a long time ago from a link on another forum that didn't have anything to do with affairs and such. I was fascinated with what I read and I did read a lot. I admit it was more like watching a train wreck. Rubbernecking so to speak.

 

There were a few threads that I posted in and then received notices in my email that there were more responses. I followed Lakeside's threads and kept coming back here to read whenever someone posted in that thread.

 

At first when I read OW threads, I was like duh - you get what you signed up for. Then slowly I started reading the hurt that many of the OW were going through. Hurt isn't even the right word. PAIN, that is the word. I started feeling for many of the OW. It could be my friend, my sister, my neighbor going through this pain. You are one of the people that I felt bad for.

 

I've come to respect many of the OW here. Even OW who are happy to be just the OW. I've found they are human just like I am. Different strokes for different folks type of thing. I hate that the BW is being hurt by the MM's shenanigans but he is responsible for her pain. I truly believe that the MM should divorce his wife if he wants to be with someone else and to do otherwise is just selfish.

 

I haven't shared hardly anything personal on this forum, but I want to share this with you. I am HAPPILY married. I am married to my high school sweetheart. I have been with him for many years. He is responsible, loving, romantic, and gorgeous. He looks at me like I am the best woman alive. He treats me with respect. He takes me out on dates in public, holds my hand, kisses me, spends holidays with me, talks about me to his friends and family, makes love to me, and sleeps in our bed holding me at night. He is also a great father.

 

Now I can tell you right now that I am nothing special. I am just ordinary. But you know what, I deserve a man like him because I offer him the same things. I love my husband. What we have is special.

 

KG you deserve a man like my husband. You deserve a man who will respect you and love you. YOU can find a man that will treat you special and give all of himself to you. YOU DESERVE IT! Unfortunately, you can't see it or even find it until you scrape this pond scum of a man off your high heels and move on.

[gopher]

Someone else said it, but I'll add that as with any other addiction, you'll only change when the pain of doing nothing outweighs the pain of making a change. I hope you hit your bottom soon, everyone deserve to be healthy emotionally and happy in their lives.

[Bluebird In My Heart]

I've been totally addicted to a relationship in the past, and the only thing that stopped me from going back to him for the umpteenth time after finishing it was meeting another man.

 

So the need to have someone in y our life to complete you was strong enough to keep you in the R, until you could replace him. While that could certainly work I guess, the "real problem" still exists.

 

If one is willing to be miserable in exchange for scraps of hope that they are loved by the person they so desire then THAT is the problem that needs to be addressed.

 

I agree with you, but at the same time - I can see the other side of the coin, as well.

 

Now, I am not saying to jump from one relationship to another without taking some time to work on oneself. Not at all.

 

What I am saying is that extending your network of friends (only platonic friends) of the opposite sex is something to consider here.

 

For one thing, having those friends, that support system, is so important to one's emotional health. That way, you're not overly dependent on such a shaky "support", as it were.

 

My main point is, I was close "friendship" with a person who was incredibly selfish...yet I didn't recognize it for the almost purely one-sided thing it was until I made another friend who was a true friend.

 

Wow. A reciprocal friendship. It feels good, who knew?

 

I am telling you, it has truly made all the difference in the world to me --- just the contrast:

 

"Friendship" One - I leave convos feeling worse about myself. Feeling as if I don't count as valuable.

 

Friendship Two - I leave our convos with a smile on my face. I feel hopeful and happy - and most of all, like I count and have a place in the world.

 

This contrast was a huge factor in my disengaging from the (mostly) false "friendhip". I still to chat with this person on occasion, but I find myself taking it a lot less seriously and I keep the proper perspective on it now.

 

You are definitely correct in that it wouldn't be a healthy thing to not take the time to breathe and find happiness and fulfillment in the only one who can ever truly give it to you - yourself.

 

However, I think expanding one's network is so important.

 

It is very important not to be alone sometimes.

 

And the best time to do that, is before one NEEDS to do it, so the isolation doesn't feel so overwheming when the pain sets in. You know?

 

I think many of these "men" look for and groom these women...it's sick, but yes I do think they are more than happy to see them isolated.

 

 

 

*sigh*

 

At any rate, KG, no better time than the present to start your healing, no? And you know what to do to make that happen.

 

I do worry about you. I see that you are willing to be blind about many, many things.

 

I suppose the first step is being brave and open your eyes. Seeing things exactly as they are is the first step, it seems.

 

How are you willing to do this?

 

Can you think of any ways you can help yourself SEE the truth?

 

It is the only way to truly set yourself free.

 

 

Otherwise, you are never truly hiding from yourself no matter how much you deny things - there will always be a part of you that knows the truth - and hates it.

 

 

Wishing you the best.

 

You've been through a lot, now use your mind and set yourself free.

 

((KG))

[whichwayisup]

Anyway I dont have the luxury of hopping to London. I found a roudtrip ticket I could use airline miles to purchase and Im just not sure if i should go because I am pretty broke and have alot of medical school application expenses coming up and even spending a couple hundred bucks in London is a stretch, but I feel like I want to get away from here for a couple days. My friend is there on business and she said I could crash at her hotel room. I'd see some of my friends that live there while Im there....it could be nice.

 

Do it! Borrow the $$ if you have to. Getting away right now is exactly what you need. Hopefully being away will help you get some NC time from MM and when you come back you can focus on YOU and your studies, job and life - Without him in it.

[bentnotbroken]

What happened to you not opening the door. He ain't a ghost, he couldn't have gotten unless you let him in. Right now you are allowing your be used as his live blow up doll and you seem to like it. Why?

[OWoman]

I have been with him for many years. He is responsible, loving, romantic, and gorgeous. He looks at me like I am the best woman alive. He treats me with respect. He takes me out on dates in public, holds my hand, kisses me, spends holidays with me, talks about me to his friends and family, makes love to me, and sleeps in our bed holding me at night. He is also a great father.

 

Now I can tell you right now that I am nothing special. I am just ordinary. But you know what, I deserve a man like him because I offer him the same things. I love my husband. What we have is special.

 

Amen to that! We ALL deserve this and if we're settling for anything less we should seriously ask ourselves why.

[NoIDidn't]

Kismet

 

I really have nothing to add. Everyone has said such heartfelt things to you and encouraged you to continue your studies for your future.

 

Please consider what's been said. Even if you think you will continue in the affair. I think the book recommended is a great suggestion. I may read it myself. And counseling is always a great idea if for no other reason than to know yourself better and what your real weaknesses are.

 

Its a New Year. Time for a new YOU. And to dump the OLD mm.

[Owl]

KG...I don't get what you're upset about anymore?

 

You're right where you're working to be.

 

You're not making any changes.

 

I don't get it...why not just recognize that you WANT to be where you're at, and be happy with it?

 

You're right where you want to be...at least, you're right where you're WORKING to be at.

 

What's the problem?

[KismetGirl]

I guess I am a stubborn fool. You're all right.

 

Alot of my inability to make decisions and stick to them, when it comes to this anyway, is my....uh....mental imbalancing. Meds and therapy , I dunno, they help a bit but obviously not completely.

 

Im obviously missing something in my life and MM fills that emotional need....temporarily and in spurts, but nonetheless. I don't want to say Im dependant on him for happiness, or on anyone else for that matter, but maybe Im one of those people whose happier WITH someone.

 

Im also at this time in my life when stress is through the roof. I mean really- I think the application process for med school is ten times worse than actually being in med school. Ive got alot of problems with it right now, things that happened ten years ago coming back to haunt my application, and its not like Ive ever been able to focus on just school....I work a full tiem stressful job at a hospital all day long and its just miserable sometimes. It gets to me mentally and all I want is a break.

 

And so I cling cling cling to MM and this A.....everytime I see him my mind stops functioning. I dont think rationally. At all.

 

He isn't some manipulative deviant like everyone seems to think. When he sees me, I know that he wants me and I use that to my advantage. If i just said, ok, thanks for the letter, see you later, he would just leave. But all I had to do was hug him and stand there with my head on his shoulder and he lost his will , just like I lose my will when I see him standing right there. He doesn't have to feed me lines, or lie to me, or manipulate me. He never has and he doesnt do it now. It's always been 50/50, from day one. I flirted, and he responded.

 

Granted, he has more responsibility than I do to say NO. He's the married one. He's tried to resist before. He's broken things off with me several times out of feelin guilty and not wanting to lose his children. All it takes is an excuse to see me one time. I know he never can resist me once Im standing right in front of him. But still, we're both adults. No one makes either of us do anything we don't want to do.

 

Whether its a rational or proper decision is another story.....consciosly I know it can't go anywhere and yet I cling cling cling.....

 

I do want to meet someone else. I desperately want to feel about someone else the way I feel about him....just don't know how. I didn't speak to him for two months and the whole time I kep trying to find another person to distract me .

 

I wont let him ruin my life. I wont. I promise. I wish I could put a time frame on how long it would tak eme to get over this but apparently its taking me alot longer than it takes some other people.

 

I take half responsibility for everything that's happening. The other half is his. 50.50. I know him very well....he got a guilt fit right before the holidays, pretty typical, ended it for a couple months, now its a new year, and Im not sure if he wants to start up again, but he's always telling me he hopes I find someone soon and get married, because I think he knows as well as I do how weak we both are when it comes to this. He's my "sex toy" as much as I am his. It's not just sex. He gets sex from his wife. He wouldnt be risking so much for four years for a roll in the hay once in a while. I dont think he knows why he does things anymore. It's your basic dont want to give up the family situation versus i admit that im not in love with my wife anymore. Just how i see it, i guess. I dont think that means he'll ever leave her, mind you. Not anytime soon anyway. Im not going to sit around until im old and gray waiting for him either. But maybe it just is what it is for now...

 

Moving at this moment isnt feasible, but like I said, I might move to London for a year or so sometime this year, after I find out my medical school situation. Changing my number and email is irelevant- he doesn't contact me unless I tell him he is allowed to. I generally have more of a say in if these things continue.....he occasionally ends things, but they never seem to last, his endings. I never wanted to admit to weaknesses....was always a strong person. Guess everyone has some weakness.....

[Bluebird In My Heart]

I just want to hug you.

 

I am under masses of work at the moment (reading these posts is keeping me company intermittently this evening), and I can't seem to come up with a proper response to you at the moment...

 

...all I can tell you right now is, I do feel for you, hon.

 

This thing is so destructive to you, your future, and your sense of self-worth.

 

It doesn't matter at this point who started what, who did what to whom, and when - what is really the issue is - where is this taking you?

 

He will be just fine, thank you very much. I see you right now as being very vulnerable, and that, frankly, makes me fear for you, still.

 

Try to do all you can to get the Hell out of this person's orbit.

 

He can and will skip away and be back to playing happy families in two seconds flat.

 

You say you have done this and that...and yes, indeed you have. But this guy is hardly innocent, he is ruining your life and your future. You just don't see what he is doing and you won't until you have your FREEDOM FROM THIS.

 

Do you know what he would do if you ruin your life for him?

 

He will rationalize it. He really will not care.

 

He is a flat-out rationalizer, a (yes) a manipulator, and a pig.

 

All the while claiming innocence. He's the worst kind! You just can't see it. Yet. And by the time you do, it may very well be too late.

 

He lives his life by rationalizing everything, he has so self-control. Neither do you at this point. He is a COWARD.

 

I am so sorry for your pain.

 

Get out there, and get FREE.

 

Please don't become one of the permanent walking wounded.

 

Draw a line in the sand. I know all things are not black and white - but when it comes to protecting your self-worth and your lovely self it darn well should be!

 

He is a manipulator. I know you can't see it.

 

I truly want to kick this guy in the nuts...

[awkward]

I realize that you can't see it, but he does manipulate you. I am not sure why you just don't accept the situation for what it is. Have sex with him when he comes around. Try to be happy with that. You are not going to get anymore. Anyways, good luck.

[frannie]

He isn't some manipulative deviant like everyone seems to think. When he sees me, I know that he wants me and I use that to my advantage. If i just said, ok, thanks for the letter, see you later, he would just leave. But all I had to do was hug him and stand there with my head on his shoulder and he lost his will , just like I lose my will when I see him standing right there. He doesn't have to feed me lines, or lie to me, or manipulate me. He never has and he doesnt do it now. It's always been 50/50, from day one. I flirted, and he responded.

 

He's my "sex toy" as much as I am his... But maybe it just is what it is for now...

 

KG, if you really feel that everything is 50/50 why the agonising? Some of your wording actually makes it sound like you feel in control of it/him: "all I had to do was hug him... he lost his will." So, if you're so in control of him, or its 50/50, why do you feel so bad?

[SerenityX2]

Okay, I get it, it's taken me awhile but I get it.

 

I agree w/Owl and Frannie though, why complain? I guess you just want to vent. I thought you wanted help to get out of this. My mistake.

 

Look, I never meant my posts to be harsh so I hope they didn't come across that way, I wanted to wake you up, but I get it, it's not just stubborness that drives you, it's utter denial. You see what's not there and that's because it's not based in reality, but planted in fantasy. But I get it, that's what you need to sleep at night.

 

I guess I wanted to appeal to you b/c of the health care commaradarie thing. I just finished my 6th semester of nursing school ....2 to go. I'm baffled why you think med school not going to be taxing for you. I went into my program which granted not med school, but still one of the most difficult in my area with a 4.0, it's dropped to a 3.5 b/c of co reqs and that's all I do. So I'm concerned that while your heart is in turmoil you think you can handle this, but I get it, it's not my life.

 

I'm with Awkward that posted, since I too am happily married that's a huge part of my success in school and I wanted that for you too. You need someone that will give you body rubs and handle the chores of cooking and cleaning and even getting your car ready in the am by cleaning off the snow and warming it up, to be there at night ALL NIGHT to give hugs and reassurance and build you up when you don't think you can go anymore. To be your best friend and hold you when you cry when life happens. To brainstorm with you so problems aren't as large. To make passionate love and SAY I love you while connecting. That Kismet is what I thought you'd want and need to get through school. I relate to the anxiety as mine has increased in the last 6mos from this, but I see that for you, an occassional meeting for sex and chit chat is enough. I get it.

 

I guess other than venting from time to time you've figured out you can handle the scraps. I'm surprised b/c when you first came here you complained he wasn't taking you out anymore, and *if* he was having sex with his wife. Well he's figured out that he doesn't have to take you out, he can tell you he's having sex with is wife even and you'll take the scraps.

 

I understand what you're saying when you say the 50/50 thing. I got that from your posts and as you've described him. So I see that you would be the one to initiate the seduction and naturally he's going to fall for it. I don't get why that's empowering or a feel good for you, it does make you look a bit desperate b/c of the way he treats you the rest of the time. You should want someone that makes it clear that they can't wait to rip your clothes off and they show you how much they love you w/o guessing games... but I'm not you....I get that. You don't mind having to resort to flirty tactics to get him in bed. I'd find that demeaning, but I now get you don't.

 

However, be careful b/c you've now shown him he can dump you when it gets too risky, and no warning, he can skip calling for weeks on end, and hey you'll forgive him and he can keep getting sex from you. But I get it, you've let your boundaries slip so much and keep those pink glasses on so tight that you'll almost bite anyone that tries to take them from you and show you reality. I get it you don't want to hear anything that tells you he doesn't love you, it feels better for you to hang on to fantasy and live in that bubble.

 

I'm not sure why you feel the need to turn this into something that it's not, other than you still hold the hope that he will leave for you if you keep hanging on. Why else mention that "you cling even though it's pointless b/c he's not going to leave ...*anytime soon* anyway". Why throw that in there if you don't believe you're going to beat the odds? He may be a great lover for you, but from all that you've written he's not a good friend, friends don't treat friends like this, that's why JJ33 suggests that book, you are being a bit emotionally abused by his treatment but you refuse to see it, justifying everything b/c of this passion. Creating love where there's none.

 

You mention that you're a person who is better off *with* someone. But you're not *with* him. He's with his wife and you're still alone in essence. Perhaps that's why you may be agonzing over this. There's that needling thought that doesn't go away, but you squash it down with the fantasy and stolen moments of what could be.

 

Since I've seen nothing much change in 3mos. I'm pretty convinced you'll be here in another 6 mos if not 6 years. Time goes fast you're already in this too deep that you can't get out, I can't understand for the life of me how and why you think "one day" you'll just be able to up and leave. Nothing in your posts speak of that you can.

 

But like I said, I get it....I won't bother you anymore it's pointless you don't want the help. I wish I could have and you did want out, but I get that you have to do what you have to do to get through your days. It's your life, I do fear you'll realize how bad things are and time lost, too late, but it's your choices. You have no one else to blame for any pain to come, it's all on you. Good luck Kismet, I do leave here now shaking my head, I hope you find your way. I really am sorry to see you in pain. But it's on you, not out of your control, circumstances, or fate, your choices.

[Owl]

The deal is this...if you don't take the responsibility to change things...you're taking responsibility for the way that they ARE.

 

You know he's married. You're still sleeping with him.

 

Ergo, you either put an end to sleeping with him, or accept responsibilty for choosing to keep sleeping with him.

 

It's NOT his decision.

 

It's YOURS.

 

Yes, he's responsible for his actions...his choices.

 

But he's NOT responsible for YOUR actions...your choices.

 

You are right where you've chosen to be.

 

It is what it is.

 

If you really and truly don't like the situation, change it. Or accept it, and accept that this was your choice to make.

 

But that also means you don't have any ground to stand on if you opt to get angry when he comes over and knocks one out with you. You've made that choice to do it WITH him. You can't be angry/upset/hurt by him doing exactly what you want him to do. Exactly what you're agreeing with him to do. Exactly what you're CHOOSING to do with him.

 

At this point, you can either stop caring and accept the situation...or you can choose to change it.

 

ALL of the choices are yours to make. He doesn't dictate your life...his ability to make these choices is entirely limited to what you grant to him.

 

HE CAN ONLY "DO" THIS WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU CHOOSE TO "DO" THIS WITH HIM.

 

You're not powerless...exactly the opposite. So you can't keep blaming him, saying that "he's the married one". Each of us are responsible for our OWN choices.