TOWinNYC Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Those feelings are hard to ignore aren't they? The ones where you have a connection - that "click" that you haven't quite managed to find with anyone else (even if you love them, even if you married them). Obviously Belmont is here because he's in a tough spot. PhonixRising said it best: "... those who have not yet met their true soul mate really cannot be expected to understand the feelings and connections that are brought to the table (even when married) once the two people meet..." Unless you've walked in Belmont's shoes, how can you truly know the dilemma that he is going through? Here's my two cents - was everything "perfect" with your primary spouse before your First Love entered back into the picture? Were there dissatisfactions in the marriage that already existed - and being magnified by your relationship with your First Love? Or has the FL always cast a shadow on your primary relationship? Something to think about. P.S. I'm new to this board but I thought this was a SUPPORT place - what's up with all the moral/judgemental/bashing that's being thrown around? And what does WS stand for? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 WS = Wayward Spouse = the married partner who was unfaithful to the BS (Betrayed Spouse) Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 I don't believe in soulmates. Its a bunch of garbage created for and by the emotionally stunted - meaning those stuck in emotional high school. Its always a bad idea to contact or continue contact with a former lover - especially one when you hadn't even truly faced life as a real adult with responsibilities yet. Having a family can be dull and draining. The responsibilities are never ending. With my life, I'd probably think the MailMan was my soulmate just because he said "good afternoon" and not "mommy" or "honey do". Belmont, talk to your W. Tell her what's going on. Not so she can tell you what to do, but so you can make an adult decision with the other adult that would be affected should you leave - or stay for that matter. I did just this when I was contacted by one of my previous loves. He was a first, of sorts. I shared my feelings with my H. I was honest to a fault. It didn't make him (husband) happy to know of my feelings, but he did help me see where my thinking was magical and not realistic. But for the record, soulmates are like Trix - they're for kids. Link to post Share on other sites
TOWinNYC Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 I don't believe in soulmates. Its a bunch of garbage created for and by the emotionally stunted - meaning those stuck in emotional high school. Does this mean you don't believe that people have souls? Or that you don't think your H is your soulmate? I don't necessarily think you only have ONE soulmate and it doesn't necessarily have to be sexual in nature - but when you find it, and you've experienced it, you'll never be the same again. I believe everyone is entitled to their opinions - but it makes a little sad to hear that you don't believe in soulmates. Kind of like when I hear that people don't believe in God. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 TOWinNYC What does not believing in soulmates have to do with not believing that people have souls? Or whether or not a person believes in God? I'm always saddened when people throw caution to the wind chasing after rainbows and unicorns. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Probably the descriptors you use to describe those who believe differently than you say more about you than them It's OK not to believe, or to disagree with the belief. That's healthy. It's a big world. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Probably the descriptors you use to describe those who believe differently than you say more about you than them It's OK not to believe, or to disagree with the belief. That's healthy. It's a big world. So who are you chastising? The person that believes or the one that doesn't. I don't really care what it may or may not say about me. It would be really funny if someone really tried to *picture* a person based on something said about a random belief or lack thereof. Soulmates. Pfft. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 The OP is walking a perilous path. As someone with minor experiance in this situation I have sympathy for him. All the kids in the story bother me a lot. Hearing of them being destroyed emotionally would be a saddness. The heart does what it does. The brain is there to temper behavior. For the kids sake, more temper and less heart at least until the kids are adults. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 I'm curious if the OP is even still here...but I hope so. Belmont, the solution here is simple. Not easy...but simple. Going LC (limited contact) is not going to work. We've seen this same scenario play out here year after year after year. And the vast majority of the time, you're going to find that LC accomplishes nothing, but makes EVERYONE unhappy and hurt. You and OW will be pining after each other. You'll continue to emotionally withdraw from your wife...and so she suffers as well. Even the kids will pick up on the distance and distress. Point blank...you need to choose one path or the other...one woman or the other...and commit FULLY to that person. Your wife, or your old flame. Pick one...commit to them...and then cut the other out of your life. While it's not what YOU want...it's what everyone deserves. It's what they're going to NEED in order to resolve this situation. If you're choosing to stay married...then you need to break off contact COMPLETELY with the other woman. And you need to find ways to rebuild your marriage...which it NEEDS after your confusion here. If you opt for the OW...then you need to divorce, free your wife to find someone who WILL commit to her...and then work out your relationship with the OW. It's simple. Again, not easy...not by a long shot...but simple. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Pick one...commit to them...and then cut the other out of your life. But when there are kids involved, there can be no cutting of the other surgically out of his life if he chooses to divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Agreed...but he CAN choose to relegate that interaction to ONLY what's required for ensuring that the kids are taken care of. And if he chooses to be with the OW...that's what he NEEDS to do, for everyone involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Just blew in from my aroma therapy and chanting classes where several of my soulmates and I were completing one another. I'm with Owl on this. He and needs to inform his wife so she can make a decision on the direction for her life. She may be missing some soulmate bonding expieriences , herself, as the result of foolishly placing her vows above the all important soulmate searching. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Just blew in from my aroma therapy and chanting classes where several of my soulmates and I were completing one another. :lmao::laugh: and a Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 :lmao::laugh: and a Call me silly, but chanting rhymes with panting, so it always makes me giggle. Link to post Share on other sites
BecksMom Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 My husband did the same thing you did. Not only am I devastated but I had just spent nine tough months pregnant, went through a lot of pain of having the baby and recovering, then spent months of sleepless days and nights taking care of our son that we had wanted for years. It was so much work and I never complained and would do it all over again for my son. But my husband thought life just got too hard so he replied to an e-mail his ex-girlfriend sent him only days after I gave birth. Within one week of e-mails and phone calls they pledged their undying love to each other. They hadn't seen each other in 15 years. In one week, my husband threw away not just our life but our entire 13 year relationship. I feel like our whole relationship was a sham and I had given him the best years of my life to just be thrown away like trash. I deserve respect. I'm not some girl he dated and decided to move on from. I'm his wife and mother of his son. He made a commitment to me to forsake all others and that included "sole mates" and former girlfriends and any other woman that walked into his life. Because the reality is that there will ALWAYS be someone better out there than your spouse. The beauty of marriage is that you don't care if there is someone better out there, you want your spouse...period. My husband choses to ignore that part of marriage. He apparently believes that if someone better comes along you owe it to yourself to be with that person. Sometimes I think it would have been less painful for him to beat me. I've also worked hard in the workforce for 15 years. My husband has left me broke, in massive debt and I got the foreclosure notice on the house today because he stopped contributing to the bills. I should note that prior to his getting back in contact with this woman he told me he'd never leave me, we talked about whether we wanted a boy or girl next, he sent me e-mails stating that I was the most important person in his life and that would NEVER change. That e-mail was 2 months before he started his affair. It's been one year and I'm still devastated beyond belief. My whole life, world, history and future are completely destroyed like a bomb. He has been living with his mistress and her children. She got a divorce immediately and moved 500 miles and several states to be with my husband. We are STILL married. This is taking forever. She's pregnant and expecting my husband's baby daughter in 2 months. Every time I think about that I cry. One year ago I had everything I ever wanted. Now I've got nothing but my son, and I don't even get to see him every day now because of my selfish, heartless husband. I will never be able to trust any man again. How can I. My husband told me he loved me every day up to and including the day he told me he wanted a divorce and then he told me didn't love me anymore and hadn't loved me for months. I'll never trust love again. You had a wonderful wife, baby and life. And it's not good enough for you. You want more? You want it all? Your wife will be me...sooner or later she is going to be me. You opened the door and you clearly don't want to close it. You want it all. It's not going to work that way. You are going to hurt your wife and baby irreperably for the rest of their lives. In your post all you were concerned about was yourself. My husband's ex-girlfriend dumped him several times when they were in high school and college. She played with his heart and he keeps going back. I never waivered in my love and commitment to him. I'll sit here and wait for her to leave him again. And then I'll cry one last time at what a wonderful life and family he threw away for a fantasy that would never last, and then I will be done with him forever. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Becksmom, you have your son. And you will teach him respect, honor, commitment and responsibility. I am sorry you are in the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
citizen67 Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Oh please. You admitted you didn't go off into the sunset with your first love because you were unwilling to take on her five kids. Hardly the romance of the century was it? Well said! If you really loved her to bits - she could have 12 kids and you'd be on board. Leave this woman alone and be nice to your wife Link to post Share on other sites
Sagelily Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Probably the descriptors you use to describe those who believe differently than you say more about you than them It's OK not to believe, or to disagree with the belief. That's healthy. It's a big world. Great Point, Carhill! Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 It's very difficult, I don't want to leave her because it's been two decades without knowing anything about her and she's been such a big influence in my life, but I don't feel that my love for her will fade away, and on the other side I have a child that I have to be there for him. What to do? Belmont. How happy are you with your current marriage? Were our places switched... I would not go crawling back to someone who dumped me 20 years ago. It just seems pathetic to me that I would come running when she crooks her finger, and slink away tail tucked tight when I'm not wanted. Also, you have a duty and an obligation to your wife and child. Fix whatever is wrong there. Let the wife know this "old flame" sent you a message, use that to motivate her to work on whatever issues you two have. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 My husband's ex-girlfriend dumped him several times when they were in high school and college. She played with his heart and he keeps going back. I never waivered in my love and commitment to him. I'll sit here and wait for her to leave him again. And then I'll cry one last time at what a wonderful life and family he threw away for a fantasy that would never last, and then I will be done with him forever. How did you treat your Husband? Your husbands actions speak more to a man pushed out of a marriage than a man chasing a fantasy. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 I've been on both sides of this. My ex wife left our 25 year marriage to be with her "High School Soulmate" and they are living happily ever after, 8 years later. I'm still chasing mine, abet with less effort than in past months. Looking back, there is nothing but horror and pain in the situation. I'm sorry for the spouse left holding the bag of crap. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 LSD, that's what I don't get about your situation. I BELIEVE that you feel sorry for the spouse left holding the bag of crap...I really do. That's why I just cannot fathom why you'd be willing to help hand him that bag of crap in your own MW situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 How did you treat your Husband? Your husbands actions speak more to a man pushed out of a marriage than a man chasing a fantasy. No, they don't. His actions are just like many cheaters that do this sort of thing, look up old flames. There is no indication he was pushed into this that I can see. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 LSD, that's what I don't get about your situation. I BELIEVE that you feel sorry for the spouse left holding the bag of crap...I really do. That's why I just cannot fathom why you'd be willing to help hand him that bag of crap in your own MW situation. Yes, this seems very odd, realizing the pain caused by this, yet doing it to someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
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