Mio Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 So now what....I'm not human and I can't know what it is to love like a human? It's just not obvious in your responses in this thread OP needs to get to where you are. He accepts that too, as you'll see further up. I don't see how fire and brimstone will get him there though. Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Oh please. You admitted you didn't go off into the sunset with your first love because you were unwilling to take on her five kids. Hardly the romance of the century was it? And your point would be? Link to post Share on other sites
Billie63 Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 My point is when you're truly in love with someone, you take on 10 kids if necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 My point is when you're truly in love with someone, you take on 10 kids if necessary. Did you read that in one of your Harlequin romance novels? Just because someone has strong feelings doesn't mean they are compelled to follow the rabbit-hole all the way down. I thought that was exactly the point you wowsers were trying to make? Link to post Share on other sites
Billie63 Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Did you read that in one of your Harlequin romance novels? Just because someone has strong feelings doesn't mean they are compelled to follow the rabbit-hole all the way down. I thought that was exactly the point you wowsers were trying to make? I didn't read it anywhere. I have truly loved and truly been loved in return. Five kids are no obstacle when a couple truly love each other equally. I'm no wowser (whatever that is) I just happen to recognise when a relationship is infatuation and when it's true meaningful love. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 It's just not obvious in your responses in this thread OP needs to get to where you are. He accepts that too, as you'll see further up. I don't see how fire and brimstone will get him there though. That's fine that you don't see that. But since I said nothing about fire and brimstone, I don't get the point. If your desire is to help the OP, then do it, the best way you know how. And I will do the same. I don't need approval of anyone else to state what I believe, as I am sure you don't either. Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 I didn't read it anywhere. I have truly loved and truly been loved in return. Five kids are no obstacle when a couple truly love each other equally. I'm no wowser (whatever that is) I just happen to recognise when a relationship is infatuation and when it's true meaningful love. People throw the word "love" around as if it means something. What the hell is "true meaningful love"? To me, being "in love" and "infatuation" are virtually the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 That's fine that you don't see that. But since I said nothing about fire and brimstone, I don't get the point. If your desire is to help the OP, then do it, the best way you know how. And I will do the same. I don't need approval of anyone else to state what I believe, as I am sure you don't either. I'm going to stop arguing. But I want to point to Carhill's post above as a shining example of how a mature, empathic response to an OM/OW should look. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Hey, you should read my posts before effective MC took place....wowza I have a feeling I'll be using that phrase with the OP here.... as broken a record as it is.. Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Hey, you should read my posts before effective MC took place....wowza I have a feeling I'll be using that phrase with the OP here.... as broken a record as it is.. That's the thing - it works, doesn't it. I'm really glad it had such a positive and profound effect on you, Carhill. Link to post Share on other sites
Aquarius Rising Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Hi B, I can hear the struggle, torment and what ultimately will become torture for you if you allow yourself to experience these feelings. That's what I told myself when I met my MM, that somehow I was justified in experiencing what I was feeling ... let me tell you ... from experience .... the water just keeps rising when you do that .... and before you know it ..... your world starts to 'go under'. The idea of 'light contact' sounds romantic and almost innocent, but unless your spouse knows about it, then it's deception.... and for me.... light contact didn't work. We would start out that way ... but within weeks we would be back to wanting more than just an email etc. Some folks can do it .... but it didn't work for me. I'm in NC now ... and as hard as it may be ... I get a little stronger each day .... and can appreciate what I have a little more each day..... there's no easy way out... I'm convinced! But good luck and do seek as much support as you can. AR Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 I'm going to stop arguing. But I want to point to Carhill's post above as a shining example of how a mature, empathic response to an OM/OW should look. That's your point of view. I am as mature in chronological age as experience. You have your way and I have mine. Deal with the OP cause I am not changing a thing. I have been here long enough to feel as if my opinion is more than valid. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 That's the thing - it works, doesn't it. I'm really glad it had such a positive and profound effect on you, Carhill. Yes, especially in the realm of processing the feelings regarding inappropriate emotional attachments, which is what I think the OP is alluding to here. Seeing the psychology clearly was a catharsis of sorts for me. IMO, if the OP has an otherwise healthy marriage, he can achieve a supremely positive outcome here with minimal damage. Hopefully he'll get back to us; I'd like to know some more details Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 You appear to have missed the part where Belmont said he was staying with his wife. Thanks for playing. Yeah, well, he may not have a choice about that when she finds out what he's up to behind her back. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Never been where? Attracted to someone I wasn't married to? Found myself thinking of someone who makes my panties wet? Been there done that, probably will do it again. The choice wasn't to hurt anyone, including myself and especially my family. There is no exclusive contracts on being attracted to anyone. Yes, Bent. But don't you realize WSs are special. They feel things so much more intensely than the mere mortal BSs. That's why the rules do not appy to them. Rules are for the less evolved, BS's. When a WS finds a "souLmate" a mere BS could not comprehend what it means. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 No, met a first-love again later in life. Very different situation. Good point Mio. Must have forgotten about the "first love reuniting" exception to the marriage vows. Thanks for clarifying. Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Good point Mio. Must have forgotten about the "first love reuniting" exception to the marriage vows. Thanks for clarifying. Have you ever thought about making a template response? Given that every OW and OM is the same to you, you could just save yourself a lot of time. Here, let me get you started: Dear OP, you are a cheat/evil/morally-debased/scum and you are cheating with this man/woman/co-worker/neighbor. Think of the wife/BS/children that you are hurting. Have you forgotten your wedding vows/sanity/morals/values? Surely since you think you are so right to cheat, shouldn't you tell your wife/mother/pastor/partners' spouse? Be a man/woman/grown-up. Tell her/him/them. Let him/her/them have an affair/lover/one-night stand too. Yadda yadda yadda something about divorce, losing everything, rain of frogs, plague of locusts etc etc. Yours spitefully, Resident Hater Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Given that every OW and OM is the same to you As opposed to some WS/OW/OW who just know that they are the ones that are so different and special? Their relationship and love is so pure and unique that no committment, no vow, no promise can or should bind them. Is that the POV he should have? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Have you ever thought about making a template response? Given that every OW and OM is the same to you, you could just save yourself a lot of time. Here, let me get you started: Dear OP, you are a cheat/evil/morally-debased/scum and you are cheating with this man/woman/co-worker/neighbor. Think of the wife/BS/children that you are hurting. Have you forgotten your wedding vows/sanity/morals/values? Surely since you think you are so right to cheat, shouldn't you tell your wife/mother/pastor/partners' spouse? Be a man/woman/grown-up. Tell her/him/them. Let him/her/them have an affair/lover/one-night stand too. Yadda yadda yadda something about divorce, losing everything, rain of frogs, plague of locusts etc etc. Yours spitefully, Resident Hater Mio, you are such an incredible hypocrite. Weren't you the one espousing that no one should ever be labled? Regardless, it is obvious that you do not believe in a person abiding by his or her commitments. For me, if I say I will remain faithful, I mean it, regardless of whether my first love appears on the scene. You have some type of sliding scale for commitment as well as an inability to adhere to your own purported philosophy on labeling and acceptance.:bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Belmont, if you loved your wife as you said before you met this woman, then is that love still there? Are you willing to lose your wife and take on a divorced woman with kids who has already shown the willingness to cheat on him? Do you really think that LD communication can make you realize who this woman is today? If you desire to be with this woman (and no, I don't support that), then you need to let your current wife go and this old flame needs to let her husband go. THEN if the two of you still have such a strong "love" for each other you could get together and see where the two of you will end up. The odds are stacked against you in so many ways. Unfortunately, rational thinking is what you need right now, but I think you are being ruled by old feelings from the past. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Dear OP, you are a cheat/evil/morally-debased/scum and you are cheating with this man/woman/co-worker/neighbor. Think of the wife/BS/children that you are hurting. Have you forgotten your wedding vows/sanity/morals/values? Surely since you think you are so right to cheat, shouldn't you tell your wife/mother/pastor/partners' spouse? Be a man/woman/grown-up. Tell her/him/them. Let him/her/them have an affair/lover/one-night stand too. Yadda yadda yadda something about divorce, losing everything, rain of frogs, plague of locusts etc etc. Yours spitefully, Resident Hater Couldn't help laughing at that one :lmao::lmao: Thanks all for your replies. Yes I know a lot of years have passed, but that is what we've been doing the last year, trying to figure out who we are now. So we've been talking a lot of our life in this 20 years and what we do right now. But we are in love with who we were and who we are right now. In this situation, is not that we were looking forward for this to happen. In my six years of marriage I've never looked for a love interest. The moment that I read her message and found out about her it all came back, we were not looking for it, it just came back. So I liked a lot the suggestion of "hold each other lightly", that's what we've been doing this last year, trying to understand what's happening to us, and at the same time support each others marriages. It's very difficult, I hope that with time we could learn to live this and gain positive experience in our lives. belmont, I think there are really only two ways to go with this. Either cut off this woman completely, or cut it right down, and stop adding to the flames of passion with reminiscenses and meetings and what not. OR, come clean with your W and put to her what's happened. She will appreciate the honesty. It's lying and sneaking around, rather than anything else, that destroys relationships. I think it would solve your problem to tell your W what has happened. It might not be pretty, it might be very difficult, but it would be a solution. You have a good marriage, a child, and you say you want to put those first and that everything was fine before this previous g/f made her reappearance. But those first-love feelings (esp. where that first love was 'thwarted' in some way, or we like to think it was) are very powerful and can destroy more mature love, if we focus too much on 'what was'. I was reading an article on just that thing at the weekend, in fact. The article advised to stop focusing on first loves, because even if they're no longer in our lives, the comparison with our adult relationships can be destructive. Anyway, I hope you get back to us and let us know what your thoughts are now. Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Couldn't help laughing at that one :lmao::lmao: I'm still giggling about it every time I read a spiteful reply You have a good marriage, a child, and you say you want to put those first and that everything was fine before this previous g/f made her reappearance. But those first-love feelings (esp. where that first love was 'thwarted' in some way, or we like to think it was) are very powerful and can destroy more mature love, if we focus too much on 'what was'. I was reading an article on just that thing at the weekend, in fact. The article advised to stop focusing on first loves, because even if they're no longer in our lives, the comparison with our adult relationships can be destructive. I think this is correct. In my own case, I felt I needed to contact my first love because she was casting a shadow across my life. But once I had closure, I think it would have been for the best if I had packed it all away again. Had I been still married at the time, it would have been incumbent on me to share what had happened with my W. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Kind of cracks me up, as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 I'm still giggling about it every time I read a spiteful reply I think this is correct. In my own case, I felt I needed to contact my first love because she was casting a shadow across my life. But once I had closure, I think it would have been for the best if I had packed it all away again. Had I been still married at the time, it would have been incumbent on me to share what had happened with my W. Yes, the shadows always need closure. It's like they haunt you and one needs connection and symetry for balance. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 It sounds like you are doing what a lot of people do in your shoes: you map everything you wish you could have in a relationship onto someone who seems like the perfect person to map everything onto. Wishful thinking and fantasy pad things nicely, and when you stir in the anticipation of new (or revisited) sex you get this heady sort of rush just thinking about this person. You have created this emotional Frankenstein's monster in your head and heart out of bits and pieces of what you feel you are missing in your life, and have fallen in love with your own creation. You are in love with the concept of her being your soulmate, rather than anything based on reality. As long as you keep it an affair, it will never reach reality either. The days, minutes and hours you spend away from her and with your obligatory wife will be days, hours and minutes building your fantasy up that much more. The reality isn't that you will ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. The reality is that more than half of your income will be spent supporting the wife and child you left behind, you will have demoted yourself down to a part time dad, you will lose your home, everything you own and have accumulated and have stored away in its rightful place will be uprooted, sorted through, boxed and unpacked in a strange place. You will wake up and roll over to look at the love of your life, and see nothing more there than a regular human being for whom you traded in everything you knew for the past twenty years. The fantasy will crumble, and you will find yourself wondering how the hell you got to where you will be: chasing a dream down a dead end street. Then again, there are men who can walk away without a backward glance, discard their lives and everyone in it like a used tissue and simply start over with someone else. Either way - you need to choose, and stop making choices for your wife's future based on your own selfish needs. She needs to know what is going on so that she can make her own choices. Link to post Share on other sites
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