MM what would you do?

[mclovin]

I understand what you all are saying!! Im just so heartbroken. He was my best friend now I feel likes he hates me and that makes it worse. I wish we could of ended it on a happy note so he thinks about me, and if things didnt work out he might come and find me. Now there is no chance and Im crushed.

 

 

*SLEEPLESS*

 

You're missing the point. You need to move on. He's unavailable (aka married). We understand your heartache. Easier said than done, but you must leave him alone. Stop wasting your time.

 

This is going to sound cruel, but I don't mean to come off that way but...he's not your best friend and he has made it clear he is NOT interested in you. What more do you need? Forget him, sweetie. Find an available man worthy of your time. Truthfully, he wanted to have a little fun on the side while betraying his wife/family. These are NOT the traits of a "really sweet guy".

 

I would strongly advise you resist ANY urges to communicate or pursue the so-called possbiltiy of this relationship continuing on ALL TERMS. If the police were called on you, that's a bad sign. It shows your behavior is out of control. No matter what man you find, this type of behavior is scary and unattractive. Think of it this way...is it worth having an actual record and ruining your professional and personal repution because you wanted to call a MM to really see if it's over?

[SLEEPLESS IN NJ]

Once again thank you all for your help. Its not all black/white like you see it! Yes at first even I thought that we might be in Lust rather then Love but it all hit me like a tone of bricks that this man loved me and that I loved this man. I love every little thing about him! I never thought that I would ever meet someone as special as him.

 

Yes you guys might call me crazy but its the truth! Every day my love for him grew stronger and stronger. It was such an overwhelming feeling to be this much in love but we were. Now its the worst heartbreak I had ever endured, and still remains the worst pain I have ever felt.

 

Yes the situation was messed up, but that doesnt stop my feelings for this man! We became closer than either of us even imagined. It just happened we didnt plan for it...I was scared at times and didnt know how to handle everything but when all is said and done I see that I didn't appreciate fully what I had found and I let myself force him to make the decision. A decision that I will regret for the rest of my life!!

 

All I want is for him to be happy and if he's happy with her then I'll live with that pain. I miss him and I'm behind him every step of the way even though he'll never know it! I love him more than I can understand. I don't think anyone understands the burden I carry in my heart day by day ...

[whichwayisup]

You love him based on him making you feel better - He is a part of your life, but you aren't a part of his. You've never met his family, his parents, friends, siblings, neighbours, and you aren't part of his financial life either. What you two share(d) is/was IN the moment stuff - And it was wrong of him to get involved with you to begin with. You can love him but you can't have him, that's the bottomline..

 

It's good that you want him happy and if that means stepping out of life so he can continue with his marriage, do that. Heal yourself and move on..

[SLEEPLESS IN NJ]

Whichwayisup ~ Thats not true I was a part of this man life! We spoke and saw each other all the time! Yes maybe I didnt meet his family and friends but he told me all about them I felt like I knew them! This man loved me a women knows when a man loves her. He never wanted to put harm/pain to me.

 

Yes it was wrong of us to get involved, but I have no regrets. In fact, it is one of the best things that has ever happened to me in. He has brought so much joy to me that words can never explain. In the past year, he has brought so much life back into a lifeless body. I never thought it would last this long, but it has!

 

I just pray and hope we get the chance to see this thing through one day!

[whichwayisup]

But he loves his wife and what he has with her more.

 

Sleepless, you have to let go of him otherwise your life is going to be a mess for a long time. Sorry..

[SLEEPLESS IN NJ]

But he loves his wife and what he has with her more.

 

Sleepless, you have to let go of him otherwise your life is going to be a mess for a long time. Sorry..

 

He doesnt love his wife I just do not think that he has the guts to leave her and give up his house and everything. I know we have that Love, Passion and Desire all he has with his wife is the attachment the sense of security, stability he does not have the love!

 

If he loved his wife the thought of cheating would of NEVER entered his mind!

[norajane]

He doesnt love his wife I just do not think that he has the guts to leave her and give up his house and everything. I know we have that Love, Passion and Desire all he has with his wife is the attachment the sense of security, stability he does not have the love!

 

If he loved his wife the thought of cheating would of NEVER entered his mind!

 

You need to start understanding that love does not mean the same thing to everyone. What you think of as love is not the same thing that he thinks.

 

Maybe he loves to the best of his ability, which is pretty limited! Maybe for him love is a SELFISH thing (what he gets out of it and how his needs are met) rather than a GIVING thing (what he can and does give to the other person, and how he treats her).

 

So yes, he can love his wife in his own selfish way, and can love you in his own selfish way, and it doesn't mean sh*t to either you or his wife because his own selfish way of loving is ALL ABOUT WHAT HE GETS OUT OF IT, not you or her.

[Owl]

I would think that being "part of his life" would mean that he would share you with all the other "parts of his life".

 

He's shared STORIES of his family and friends with you. He's not shared them WITH you.

 

And I'm guessing that they've not even heard STORIES about you...you've not been integrated into his life anywhere near to that point.

 

You're an adjunct to his life...you're a walled off part of it that's not included into all the rest of it.

 

If you're ok with being that...that's fine...that's your choice. But make it an informed choice.

 

What impact would there be on the rest of his life if he suddenly made you a part of all of that? What would happen if he started introducing you to his friends, his family? Would you be able to integrate into them? Or would it cause the rest of his life to fall to shambles if they knew about you, and your relationship with him?

 

That's the "litmus" test.

[Owl]

He doesnt love his wife I just do not think that he has the guts to leave her and give up his house and everything. I know we have that Love, Passion and Desire all he has with his wife is the attachment the sense of security, stability he does not have the love!

 

If he loved his wife the thought of cheating would of NEVER entered his mind!

 

That's completely not true.

 

Virtually everyone CONSIDERS cheating at one point or another. It was almost certainly in his mind before he started his affair with you.

 

The difference is...he chose to ACT on it.

 

Would he have chosen to do so if he loved his wife?

 

Very possibly. As long as he thought he could keep it seperate...as long as he felt that he could get away with it.

 

If he didn't love his wife at all, he could easily drop her in a New York second and not care a whit about what happens to her as a result. He could walk in today and tell her about your relationship with him, and tell her it's over and walk out not giving a rat's patooty about what it did to her.

 

So what's stopping him?

 

Fear of the fallout? What fallout would there be, if he didn't care about her? Financial? Possibly, but that's hardly insurmountable in the face of his love for you, right? What other reasons would he have to stay then?

 

The reality is...he's got exactly what he wants right now. BOTH of you.

 

If that wasn't what he wanted, he'd be taken true, active measures to change that equation.

[bentnotbroken]

Whichwayisup ~part of this Thats not true I was a man life! We spoke and saw each other all the time! Yes maybe I didnt meet his family and friends I febut he told me all about them lt like I knew them! This man loved me a women knows when a man loves her. He never wanted to put harm/pain to me.

 

Yes it was wrong of us to get involved, but I have no regrets. In fact, it is one of the best things that has ever happened to me in. He has brought so much joy to me that words can never explain. In the past year, he has brought so much life back into a lifeless body. I never thought it would last this long, but it has!

 

I just pray and hope we get the chance to see this thing through one day!

 

No you aren't a part of his family. You are a person he told about his family. I would wager that you aren't the only person he has told about his family. Does that make everyone he has shared familial stories with a part of his family? No it doesn't. You can feel like you know them, but that doesn't make you one of them. Do they know about you? Your likes/dislikes? Plans for the future? What do they know about you exactly? You have a role that you have readily assumed. He wants you only for that role, nothing more. You are fulfilling a need within that role. His wife is fulfilling a role and she is fulfilling the need withing that role. You are both being used, but you are going to always get the least amount, why you are a shadow, a ghost, a nameless entitiy to his family. You are not his wife, the one that is recognized and treated as such.

[jj33]

Sleepless feeling that you and he shared something special is not inconsistent with letting him go.

 

You can hold you memories dear and close to your heart. You can believe whatever makes the most sense to you in a nonsensical situation.

 

But what you cant do, if you dont want to end up with a TRO is keep contacting this man. For whatever reason, he chose to stay with his wife.

 

"I know we have that Love, Passion and Desire all he has with his wife is the attachment the sense of security, stability he does not have the love!"

 

Passion and desire are not everything and not a first priority for most people. Security, shared history, extended family etc those things usually win out over passion and desire because they so often fade over time.

 

Im sure you had love, but he has decided he doesnt want to jeopardize his family situation for that love. You dont have to agree with his decision, you dont have to understand or respect his decision, you can think the world is unfair or that its cruel or silly or whatever you want to think about it.

 

However the one thing you must do is respect it. He is married. And he wants to stay married. As others have said, dont be that woman. Dont be a bunny boiler. Its something that you regret ten fold in the future.

 

Its normal to grieve the loss of someone who brought such happiness into your life and heartbreaking when it feels like that space in your heart will remain empty forever.

 

But no matter how bad it feels you dont have the right to take it out on his family. Post as much as you want, write draft letters to him and post them, write draft letters to him and email them to yourself but you have to let them alone.

 

It sounds cliche but it will get better in time. I thought I would never get over my relationship with MM. THe thought of it all still makes me cringe, or makes me sad and angry sometimes. But its the past.

 

And you get past it without even realizing it. One day you simply notice that you dont feel that he is a part of you anymore. You no longer miss the fact that you cant tell him things or share certain things with him. It just takes time. And eventually you feel whole again. I realize it may be too soon for you to appreciate that it will get better but it will.

[frannie]

I just want some answers....how can he just treat me so bad and not care! Its so wrong! Im so lost without him! He is my world and now its all gone

 

This is such BS he stated that we would speak and he has yet to reach out to me! I hate this he knows how much I care/love him and why would he say something like that and not reach out!

 

He said he was shocked that I did that to him and been lying to him about having his wife's number and that he doesnt trust me. I was thinking about everything that you guys have been writing me and I said did apologize I know I was at fault but I told him that he tossed me under the bus he got pissed when I said that and asked me if he can speak with me tomorrow I did agree. He did stress that he was scared to speak to me b/c he doesnt trust me and he asked me to think about everything I have to say tomorrow....

 

Sleepless, I don't think it does you any good to argue with people who are going to get you on the defensive about what you did or didn't have with him, and what his feelings are. That's only going to make you retreat into almost defending him and feeling that people 'don't understand', and in my experience only makes you retreat into the 'you and him against the world' that really got you here in the first place..?

 

Please look at he way he's treating you. Ignore the comments about how much he loves his wife, and defence of 'maybe the way he loves her is selfish'... if its selfish it's not love at all (jmho). It doesn't matter who he 'loves' or doesn't love, it's how he's treating you that matters, and he's treating you like he doesn't care about your feelings.

 

You don't need a man who will disregard your wellbeing in this way. He's doing the same thing to his wife. D-day has happened, and he's contacting you. What does that say about him? Unless he can prove himself to be a better man than that, and to treat people better than he has been doing, you've lost nothing with losing him from your life.

 

Take care of yourself

[SierraRose]

Sleepless, I have walked in your shoes. Old BFF resurfaces, ultimate connection, he always loved me...blah, blah... I thought I ws in love with him. The botttom line is when push came to shove, he threw me under the bus. I was devistated. I understand your feelings.

The best thing you can do is just take care of yourself. Cry, talk to friends, go to counceling---whatever works for u to get over him. I did it. I feel like a million bucks now. I have recently met a man--no not married; very much single and available. He is a doll. If my exMM showed on my doorstep tomorrow, I would tell him whole heartedly to F*CK OFF.