MM what would you do?

[frannie]

So now here I am.....I need help Im a mess. I left him a couple voicemails and sent him so text but nothing. I havent heard from him since tues. What should I do???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

 

Hello Sleepless.

 

I think you need to do nothing at the moment regarding contact, etc. I think you need to contrast this view of him:

 

I was going through alot and on top of it all just getting out of a really bad abusive relationship so he was my angel and saved me.

 

He is the sweetest, loving most caring man that has ever entered my life.

 

With these facts:

 

I asked him if he was with anyone he said no...

 

... later he told me that he was separated from his wife. I freaked out!!!! He told me that he doesnt speak with her or see her and that she doesnt live in his house.

 

... He told me that he cheated on his wife before and she left him.

 

... He came out and told me that it was all a lie that his wife cheated on him and that he would never take her back.

 

... when his phone would ring, or when he took a call. He got upset and tells me that there isnt anything to worry about..etc...

 

... He called me the next day and told me that he lied to me and that he did cheat on his wife. He told me that he made up that she cheated on him b/c he was upset.

 

... now that I know she is living in the house with him.

 

... and ask yourself why a man who could see how vulnerable you are, and knew the details of how you'd just got out of an abusive relationship, could lie to you like this for so long. And then ask yourself what kind of man that makes him.

 

I know you feel you rely on him. But look where you are now. Where is this wonderful man who you thought had 'saved' you from heartache?

[SLEEPLESS IN NJ]

Thank you for all your help, but I just cant understand why he did this to me. I know he cared I know he loved me! Yes he might have lied to me but to go NC and not even try and patch things up and not be enemies! I dont want him to hate me I want him to come back to me if things dont work out however I know that he's not going to leave he told me once when I called his house the first time that she is a good women just not in love with her, and that he wouldnt want to be alone. He said that I was a risk b/c we only knew each other for a short while and who knows maybe we wouldnt work out then he would be left with noone he also said that he had such Love, passion and desire for me and cant see me out of his life. He told me to take things slow because he has a big decision to make. I was just @ times I got insecure worried stressed especially with the holidays and all. I just cant take this. I miss talking to him on the phone, and texting him. everytime my phone rings and its not him I burst out in tears. You guys are right he's prob not going to come back but I cant accept it...I just cant! I know that there anniversary is coming up and the thought of him being with her makes me sick!

[norajane]

but I just cant understand why he did this to me.

 

Because the only person he REALLY cares about is himself. And the only happiness he cares about is his own.

 

And what he wants is to stay married to his wife, while messing around on the side with other women like you. You're not the first, you won't be the last of his affairs. He uses his charm to get to women like you who are susceptible to charming men, either because they are vulnerable or lonely. And then he uses them until he can't anymore.

 

Since his wife knows about you and police have now been involved - GAME OVER. He'll wait until things settle down with his wife, and then he'll secretly go out and cheat again. But not with you, as you are now a police record and have become a "problem". He's not looking for problems. He's looking for a quiet affair so he can get his sexual and ego needs fulfilled without drama.

[whichwayisup]

Yes he might have lied to me but to go NC and not even try and patch things up and not be enemies!

 

But you aren't his wife. This is the thing..He LIED to you and all that you feel is because of those lies. If he really were separated, on the verge of divorce, none of this would be an issue..Reality is, he was VERY married while with you and he led you on, took advantage of you, knowing FULL WELL he had no intention of ending his marriage to be with you. I know your heart and emotions can't see this right now, but once the fog lifts you will see what everyone else is saying to you.

 

What you feel is the withdrawal of not having him in your life..You need to surround yourself around family and good friends to help you cope, to help distract you during this time.

 

Hang in there and stay strong. And whatever you do, DON'T try to contact him.

[Shygirl15]

I called her and I went to the house I was at fault.

No it's not your fault. Your relationship started on lies, and you wouldn't have gone through all that if he told you the truth from the beginning. I can't belive you're still agonizing about him after all he has done to you.

[SLEEPLESS IN NJ]

I just want some answers....how can he just treat me so bad and not care! Its so wrong! Im so lost without him! He is my world and now its all gone

[2sure]

Sleepless -

 

You said in your first post on this thread that he told you he was seperated and his wife didnt live with him. But that you never went to his house. To never go to his house....clearly, you knew he was married. Its one thing to say he lied, but its clear that you knew.

 

Did he tell you he was in the midst of choosing between you and his wife?

 

I understand you love him and believe he loved you, but did he ever give you any reason to believe, after he admitted he lived with his wife, that he would be leaving?

 

Since then , has he given you any reason to think that he might want to be friends - other than not pressing charges on you?

 

You really really need to leave this guy alone.

To pursue any further unwanted communication with him is going to get you in trouble. This was a bad situation from the get go, but you knew he was married. You can miss him, but I'm sorry - in this case, you have to realize that you simply are not the victim.

[SLEEPLESS IN NJ]

Sleepless -

 

You said in your first post on this thread that he told you he was seperated and his wife didnt live with him. But that you never went to his house. To never go to his house....clearly, you knew he was married. Its one thing to say he lied, but its clear that you knew.

 

Did he tell you he was in the midst of choosing between you and his wife?

 

I understand you love him and believe he loved you, but did he ever give you any reason to believe, after he admitted he lived with his wife, that he would be leaving?

 

Since then , has he given you any reason to think that he might want to be friends - other than not pressing charges on you?

 

You really really need to leave this guy alone.

To pursue any further unwanted communication with him is going to get you in trouble. This was a bad situation from the get go, but you knew he was married. You can miss him, but I'm sorry - in this case, you have to realize that you simply are not the victim.

 

When I first meet him yes they where seperated I was in there house I just would stay long I felt very uneasy with it...he was an angel and told me he understood and tried everything to make me feel ok at first! Him and I took a break from each other the first time I broke into his voicemail and thats when she moved in.

 

He did speak with me about leaving his wife just said that he added his wife name to his house when they got married and he didnt want her to take it all plus the way the market ws he stated that it wasnt the right time to sell the house. I never was pushy I never asked many questions I always felt that when he was ready he would tell me!

 

Him and I have not spoken since that night and what now I should let this all go without any answers....just let him get away with him treating me like that.....

[bentnotbroken]

I just want some answers....how can he just treat me so bad and not care! Its so wrong! Im so lost without him! He is my world and now its all gone

 

 

He treated you that way because he has no character, no morals and no decency. He treated his WIFE just as badly if not worse, and you knew it after the lies were uncovered, yet you still wanted him. I can understand you not knowing he was married at first. That wasn't your fault you were lied to. But now you know the truth, you have even had police in your face, you know who you are dealing with. There is nothing special about you, he treated his wife with the same disregard and callousness. And my bet would be there are others he has treated that way.

 

Now that you know who he is, you need to stop obsessing about why you? Why his wife? He actually owes you nothing, and unfortunately(or fortunately from the things you say he has done)and he gave you nothing. Get help and move on, otherwise you will just turn into an obsessed bunny boiler like some of us have had displeasure to deal with.

[SLEEPLESS IN NJ]

ok guys so hear is a shocking up date I havent called even though my broken heart wanted too so badly and he called me! Yes it was from a unknown number and the first time I didnt pick it up (last night @ 1am) and then this afternoon as I was on my way home from the gym it rang again and I was scared to answer (NEVER answer unknown #'s) and to my surprise it was him!!!

 

He said he was shocked that I did that to him and been lying to him about having his wife's number and that he doesnt trust me. I was thinking about everything that you guys have been writing me and I said did apologize I know I was at fault but I told him that he tossed me under the bus he got pissed when I said that and asked me if he can speak with me tomorrow I did agree. He did stress that he was scared to speak to me b/c he doesnt trust me and he asked me to think about everything I have to say tomorrow....

 

So now what the hell do I do????????????????????

[jj33]

What to do? You tell him to go f himself that is what you do.

 

Yes its hard to accept that this man lied to you, manipulated you emotionally and that all the wonderful moments you shared were based on his lies. He caused you untold emotional pain ON PURPOSE - not because he wanted to hurt you

 

but because he wanted what he wanted (to be with you) regardless of the harm that getting what he wanted visited on you. Is that a friend? NO is that love? No these are the actions of a selfish narcissist.

 

Until you are ready to accept this it will be difficult to move forward.

 

The thing is its not that he did this to hurt you, he did it because you are a wonderful woman with wonderful qualities. You are someone who is worth spending time with and worth loving.

 

He however is damaged. Severely damaged. Well adjusted people dont lie and manipulate like that. He can have your pity, you can reminisce fondly on the lovely time you spent together.

 

But you need to love yourself enough to cut this cancer (him) out of your life. Because he may love you, but he doesnt know how to act in a truly loving way towards you, his wife or anyone else.

 

And dont you dare come back and say but you are flawed too and can work it out.

 

You cant afford to spend any more time with someone who has shown that he will treat your life and your emotoins with such careless disregard. YOU LEFT YOUR JOB TO BE WITH THIS MAN. He let you leave your job knowing your decision was based on lies. His lies. Someone who loves you in the right way does not do that.

 

You arent ready to see the sitiation for what it is. THEY CALLED THE POLICE ON YOU. NOW HE IS TRYING TO MAKE IT ALL YOUR FAULT SAYING HE CANT TRUST YOU.

 

He is twisting it all around and relying on the love he knows you still feel for him to win you back ON HIS TERMS.

 

You dont want this man. You want the man you believe he can be. The one who is loving and loves you for you. But sadly we have to take the whole package. And this is a package that belongs nowhere but in the trash until he gets some serious help and sorts himself out.

 

I dont mean to be harsh but when he does he is likely to stay with his W if she is willing to stand by him.

 

Its not easy to give up hope in something that felt so wonderful. But focus on the pain. Let that keep you away. He is bad bad news.

 

What you need to make peace with is that you ARE worth all the pains he took to spend time with you. You are wonderful. He did love you in his own way but he is deeply flawed and damaged. Love is not enough when you are with a lying cheating emotionally abusive man. He is confusing you on purpose. Dont let him get away with it. Dont fall back into the trap. You dont want to wake up in 3 years and be in the same place. More D days, him coming back when things cool down. You in tears all along the way wondering why things are not different.

 

The difficult thing to grasp is he didnt do it TO you (in his mind) he did it despite you. He couldnt do these things out of love. He did them like someone who singlemindedly pursues his own goals - he wanted to spend time with you - at any cost, to you, to his wife, to your job, to his family.

 

What do you do - throw HIM under the bus. It will take time to get over it but you will. What doesnt kill us makes us stronger.

[whichwayisup]

I just want some answers....how can he just treat me so bad and not care!

Then when you go see him get those answers. Use this time for CLOSURE, not for hanging onto him. The affair is OVER so don't go trying to woo him back. You don't want to be the OW!

 

More than likely he is going to make it seem like ALL this is your fault. He'll blame you for the A ending, he'll blame you for his wife being pissed at him.

 

You have total control right now - So IF you choose to see him, to talk to him, do NOT let him manipulate you. Again, use this time to get your closure and then afterwards tell him NEVER to call you again. Say goodbye and start your healing.

[norajane]

he asked me to think about everything I have to say tomorrow....

 

Oh he did, did he?

 

Well, why don't you just say, "F*ck off, I'm done with you!"

 

If he's going to blame YOU for everything, then I can't see what you would possibly have to discuss with him. Why give him the satisfaction of listening to his crap and blame?

[bentnotbroken]

:lmao::lmao:He says he doesn't trust you:lmao::lmao::lmao:Usually and untrustworthy person doesn't trust anyone. If they are liars and cheats, everyone else must be on their level to. Don't stay on his level, elevate.

[frannie]

See, I didn't think you'd have to worry about him abandoning you (see your other thread).

 

He said he was shocked that I did that to him and been lying to him about having his wife's number and that he doesnt trust me.

 

Hilarious, isn't it? Ask him how it feels to be lied to, ask him if he thinks you can trust him. He can't trust you??? After the merry dance he's led you??? The man has some balls

[SLEEPLESS IN NJ]

This is such BS he stated that we would speak and he has yet to reach out to me! I hate this he knows how much I care/love him and why would he say something like that and not reach out!

[whichwayisup]

Why do you think he hasn't called you yet?

 

I hate this he knows how much I care/love him and why would he say something like that and not reach out!

 

Because he doesn't care as much. He is only thinking of himself and that's about the jist of it.

 

You are in the drivers seat right now. No need to 'see' him at all actually, you can have a conversation and ask him ALL the things you want to know over the phone IF he calls you again.

[penelope12]

Hi Sleepless,

 

The only reason he contacted you was to make sure you still missed him and to make sure you weren't doing ok without him. It is all about him. He is selfish. Move on, you will be glad you did

[mrose2008]

You are still not listening to people here..Leave this man alone..He just wanted to see if you were still needing him..You did say you were sorry ....Move on with your life (I know this will be hard) but you need to do it....If you do not keep NC with him..If you send him voicemails or text he can take that to court and get a stalking order placed against you (if he wants too)..

[SLEEPLESS IN NJ]

Thank you all for the help I really mean that! Him and I spoke and I feel better that I got some very much needed CLOSURE! We agreed that we dont hate each other and are going to be friends

[InvisibleGirl]

Our situations are somewhat similar but I think I'm a little bit more accepting now of the realization that no matter how you try to rationalize it that man is NOT your friend...

 

Why would you want to be friends with the man that you love?

 

Do yourself a favor and forget him and move on before he sucks the life out of you. People like him have no emotions, none...they use good people like you (and me) and pretend to be exactly like you to manipulate and when they see how good it makes us feel it feeds their damaged egos. Its like you get so used to the parts of them that make you feel good that you overlook all the bad stuff.

 

I didn't listen to a lot of advice in my situation for a long time either because I just knew he loved me, how could he not with all the time we spent together and the tales he told me of how unhappy he was at home. I spent all my time with him to the point that he was the only friend I had. They do a good job of isolating you from other people so you don't talk about what their doing because other people might give you the good advice to get away because you cant see it for yourself...

 

These men belong in Hollywood because they are nothing more than actors. My MM would cry real tears and make me feel guilty or think he was hurting too, took me a long time to figure out but all of his emotions are make believe, learned through watching how real people react to things.

 

you need to RUN and not look back like I should have done long ago too...

 

Its very hard but you deserve better as do I.

[penelope12]

Well said invisible, it is not possible nor is it healthy to be friends with these men. They don't have the ability to feel sorry for what they do and for that reason, they will hurt you over and over again in the same way. Let him go. You deserve better. He is not your friend. Friends don't act that way.

[whichwayisup]

You cannot be 'friends' with him. All that will turn into is an emotional affair. And, keep you as the OW, let alone inlove with him. This guy WANTS to have anything he can get and yeah you may have got some closure from him, but he also manipulated the "I need you as a friend' crap line to you.

 

Do you honestly believe a platonic friendship can happen? NO talks about feelings, no affection, nothing? Being in his life is going to prevent you from ever healing and letting go of what you feel for him. It'll prevent you from ever opening up your heart to someone else down the road.

 

Basically nothing has changed, though I guess you may not be ready to hear that.. Maybe you need to go through more pain and lies to get to your enough stage and finally get the strength to walk away.

[NoIDidn't]

Sleepless

 

Don't let this man turn you into a bunny boiler. You can't be his friend. He will use that to hurt you. He will want to tell you things about other women in his life or even his W, and if you balk he'll say "I thought we were friends". But if you want to talk about personal side of your life, he'll conveniently have to go or change the subject. And when you say "I thought we were friends", he'll say something to make you not want to have personal conversations with him or change the subject.

 

That's not a friendship. He was never your friend. He's lied to you too much. And called the police on you - that's ridiculous, but please don't ever go to his home again.

 

You don't need anymore answers. You don't hate him but you don't have to be his friend.

 

Move along. There's nothing to see here.

[torranceshipman]

This guy finds you when you are at your most vulnerable, lies his ass off to you to get you hooked on him by pretending he's your 'rescuer' (my God what a cliche on his part), then slowly, your 'angel' starts turning into a nasty, lying, manipulative emotional abuser-it gets so bad that he turns you into a bunny boiling wreck and calls the police on you, and abandons you.

 

After a bit he comes back and calls you - but under the condition 'he is mad at you and you have to please him somehow so he isnt mad at you anymore'-even though HEs the one that should be apologising.

 

Right about now he has the emotional abusers PERFECT scenario - where you have no self esteem left and will do literally anything to please him and you WONT leave him even though he is ABUSING you. You thought you'd escaped from an abusive R but you're STILL IN IT...you thought you'd left your abusive ex behind but no...you're still with him-he just looks different. This guy didnt rescue you from anything - its like you were drowning, you thought he was the lifeguard but really he ust came along and pushed you back down under the water.

 

And here you are, the classic abused woman, making excuses for him. 'But he was my angel', 'but he loved me', 'but I dont want him mad at me'.

 

You've gone straight from one abusive R into another - simple as that, so you need to break the cycle and get away from the whole scenario now - you really need to cut this freakish sad loser out of your life!!! I really hope you cut contact with him because you certainly dont deserve a guy like this.