I Snooped in his phone and found out he's reminiscing and INTERESTED in his EX!!!

[You'reasian]

My boyfriend of 7 years has been acting strange. He's giving off signs that he's maybe seeing somebody else. In the past we've been through something like this where he was seeing somebody else, it ended up being a huge mistake that he very much regretted, and we got through that and things have been great since.

 

But the past couple weeks he has been acting distant, not calling back nights he said he would, making up excuses to not hang out when we usually always are spending nights together.

 

Anyway, last night he spent the night over my house and when he was sleeping I went into his phone to check and see if I could see if anything was going on. I know, that was awful for me to snoop, but I just had to know. Well I found text messages between him and his ex.. He dated her before me about 8 years ago. I guess they hung out a few days ago and he texted how amazing he felt that night. They reminisced of the great times they had back when they were going out 8 years ago. He asked her if she had any feelings interest in being his girl again. She replied that she couldn't answer that right now. Those messages were sent just hours before he came over my house to spend the night.

 

I'm so shocked and almost in tears right now. I didn't confront him about this because to tell him I know this, he will know that I snooped through his phone! What I said is that I had a weird feeling, I asked him if he was seeing anyone else, which he denied, he asked why I asked that, and I just said I felt he was acting different and I had a bad feeling. I asked if he was happy in our relationship and he said, yes he's very happy.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

New Years Eve is in a couple days and we have plans to hang out, but I have a feeling something will "come up" and he'll cancel with some lame excuse (because he'll want to be with her). Just predicting.

 

Trying to prepare myself - what I'll say if he pulls that one.

 

It's hard knowing this is a girl he had so much history with and he loved at one time. Can all those feelings and emotions come back and overtake his feelings and love for me?

 

I can't get that text message out of my head now. So heartbroken and I don't know how to confront him since I snooped to find this all out!

 

Please help, any opinions/advise/suggestions is so very appreciated!!

 

 

Save all this for a conversation with him. The more you blow this up online, the worse its going to feel for you.

 

Let it slide.

 

How often do you call him?

[Trialbyfire]

Save all this for a conversation with him. The more you blow this up online, the worse its going to feel for you.

 

Let it slide.

 

How often do you call him?

Surprisingly, fidelity is important to some people. If it's not important then of course, it makes sense to let it slide.

[bozwa]

Surprisingly, fidelity is important to some people. If it's not important then of course, it makes sense to let it slide.

 

I'm gonna have to agree with this. Let it slide??

[XNemesisX]

He's already done this once and now he's doing it again. Dump this loser. There's no explanation needed beyond telling him to give back your keys, if he has them. If you still have his things, pack them up and send them to him.

 

His conscience will know exactly why you're doing it. If he tries to get you to talk about it, just tell him he's a lying, cheating bastard. DON'T tell him you checked his phone. Let his mind jack him around, wondering if his ex spilled. He deserves no peace of mind from you.

 

Absolutely! Let it mess with his mind, wondering how you know what you do and how you found out. You could even tell him that someone told you everything that was going on...this could get him to fess up to more. He will probably think his ex told you all about it. Or leave him with no explanation at all. I gurantee this will put a real damper on his relationship with his ex. He's wanting to have his cake and eat it too and I wouldn't allow him to do that. But I definitely wouldn't tell him that you found out by looking through his phone. Leave that up to his imagination

[EnigmaXOXO]

I’m with Lucrezia, Nora and TrialByFire.

 

This guy has earned no other explanation other than “he’s blown his second chance and now he’s finished.” After all, he hasn’t exactly been honest and forthright in regards to his own betrayal of trust. It would be absolutely deserving to leave him standing there, scratching his butt, and wondering who snitched and blew his cover.

 

However, I would personally have no qualms about telling him just how I found out. As a matter of fact, I’d be happy my gut instincts led me to finding the truth ... and I’d be just as happy to tell him so without allowing it be become an opener for any further discussion on the matter. There is no explanation, alibi, excuse or apology that could possibly explain it away. I would not allow him to lull me back into denial (right along with him) so he could string me along until a time more convenient for him.

 

While a quick amputation of this problem child from your life may be easier said than done, wishing and hoping your boyfriend were different won’t change a darn thing ... it will only prolong your pain.

 

After seven years of this nonsense, not only do you deserve better ... but I think you’ve finally earned it!

[You'reasian]

Absolutely! Let it mess with his mind, wondering how you know what you do and how you found out. You could even tell him that someone told you everything that was going on...this could get him to fess up to more. He will probably think his ex told you all about it. Or leave him with no explanation at all. I gurantee this will put a real damper on his relationship with his ex. He's wanting to have his cake and eat it too and I wouldn't allow him to do that. But I definitely wouldn't tell him that you found out by looking through his phone. Leave that up to his imagination

 

Fidelity is absolutely important. I'm looking at some old posts from some of you and am finding out just how important it is from some of you

 

Playing games is for girls (yeah, there goes any popularity I would have had with you...lol).

 

Be straight up. Discuss this with him.

[Angel1111]

Save all this for a conversation with him. The more you blow this up online, the worse its going to feel for you.

 

Let it slide.

 

How often do you call him?

 

Right, because when people are in the midst of cheating, they're always honest about that. You must be joking.

 

And it's not about game-playing either. It's about not tolerating this kind of nonsense and just walking away from it. He lost the option to discuss it with her when he made the decision to see the other person. Game over.

[Trialbyfire]

Here are the reasons why you don't tell him straight up:

1. He doesn't deserve an explanation from you.
   
2. Let his mind jack him around.
   
3. If you tell him how you found out, he'll be more careful with the next person he cheats on.
   

People can call it games or whatever they want. When someone cheats, not just once but twice, there's no need to treat them decently. Actions to consequences.

 

Just walk and don't look back. You've already had the experience of looking back once before, and now, he's back to it.

[You'reasian]

Right, because when people are in the midst of cheating, they're always honest about that. You must be joking.

 

And it's not about game-playing either. It's about not tolerating this kind of nonsense and just walking away from it. He lost the option to discuss it with her when he made the decision to see the other person. Game over.

 

I agree.

 

Gather your hard evidence of his cheating and throw it at him. Playing games with him to try to make wrongs right isn't the solution.

 

Be the better person. Gather your evidence and have a face to face talk. Be honest, fair and transparent.

 

Understand that this talk could end in the two of you parting ways.

[You'reasian]

Here are the reasons why you don't tell him straight up:

1. He doesn't deserve an explanation from you.
   
2. Let his mind jack him around.
   
3. If you tell him how you found out, he'll be more careful with the next person he cheats on.
   

People can call it games or whatever they want. When someone cheats, not just once but twice, there's no need to treat them decently. Actions to consequences.

 

Just walk and don't look back. You've already had the experience of looking back once before, and now, he's back to it.

 

I still say confront him about it.

 

You need to know his explanation of what's going on so you can see what's happening, why etc. and you should be able to check this with the hard evidence that you have.

 

Try to find out what it was that caused him to cheat, cross check it with your own views and observations and see if any of it makes sense and is worth working on.

 

Otherwise, he should know that his actions & behavior are the reason for the downfall of the relationship.

[Trialbyfire]

I still say confront him about it.

 

You need to know his explanation of what's going on so you can see what's happening, why etc. and you should be able to check this with the hard evidence that you have.

 

Try to find out what it was that caused him to cheat, cross check it with your own views and observations and see if any of it makes sense and is worth working on.

Why is this worthwhile? Do you understand how a cheater works? Look up the term gaslighting. She might as well bend over and asked to be anally raped, rather than go through the emotional hell, he's guaranteed to put her through. The amount of lying and misdirection is sickening. They're not married, engaged or living together. She owes him nothing.

 

Otherwise, he should know that his actions & behavior are the reason for the downfall of the relationship.

He'll know. All she has to do is to call him a lying, cheating bastard. That's it!

[audrey_1]

Feh!

 

Cheaters are energy sucking trolls.

 

I'm with the camp that says offer no explanation. Make him wonder how you know, if he even cares to wonder. Tell him he's not the man for you, walk and don't look back.

 

There's a great quote that used to float around LS that says, "Never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option." I should tattoo that on my forehead.

[Angel1111]

I agree.

 

Gather your hard evidence of his cheating and throw it at him. Playing games with him to try to make wrongs right isn't the solution.

 

Be the better person. Gather your evidence and have a face to face talk. Be honest, fair and transparent.

 

Understand that this talk could end in the two of you parting ways.

 

You see it as game-playing, I see it as not wasting my time. Aside from the fact that he did this to her before with someone else, his actions in this situation tell her everything she needs to know about her relationship with him. A discussion isn't necessary. It would only be a waste of time and energy.

 

However, if it were me and if I were inclined to talk to him about it, I would probably end things with him first and then maybe talk about it a week or two later - if he asked. I would simply tell him that I knew for a fact that he was seeing his ex and that I was curious as to why he thought I wouldn't find out about it, and why he thought I'd ever stick around once that came to my attention. Then you can fill in the blank with his answer - the end result will be the same. I would be gone.

[You'reasian]

Why is this worthwhile? Do you understand how a cheater works? Look up the term gaslighting. She might as well bend over and asked to be anally raped, rather than go through the emotional hell, he's guaranteed to put her through. The amount of lying and misdirection is sickening. They're not married, engaged or living together. She owes him nothing.

 

He'll know. All she has to do is to call him a lying, cheating bastard. That's it!

 

Yes cheating sucks and hurts, but its good to look at things rationally as well, don't you think?

 

Sometimes its good to listen to the message without all of the static. If he tries to play emotional games on her, she's got to up her game, be the better person and find the "take home" message that he's communicating.

 

He might say a hundred things, but ultimately a few key phrases will spell out his explanation, so she can decide for herself.

[Trialbyfire]

Yes cheating sucks and hurts, but its good to look at things rationally as well, don't you think?

 

Sometimes its good to listen to the message without all of the static. If he tries to play emotional games on her, she's got to up her game, be the better person and find the "take home" message that he's communicating.

 

He might say a hundred things, but ultimately a few key phrases will spell out his explanation, so she can decide for herself.

Have you ever been a cheater or been cheated on?

[You'reasian]

Feh!

 

There's a great quote that used to float around LS that says, "Never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option." I should tattoo that on my forehead.

 

You're making me think a little outside the argument and outside the box...

 

Don't you think its a woman's responsibility to be a priority rather than an option? Same could be expected of us men.

 

Granted, we have to balance our lives with many responsibilities but shouldn't we make each other priorities?

[norajane]

Yes cheating sucks and hurts, but its good to look at things rationally as well, don't you think?

 

Sometimes its good to listen to the message without all of the static. If he tries to play emotional games on her, she's got to up her game, be the better person and find the "take home" message that he's communicating.

 

He might say a hundred things, but ultimately a few key phrases will spell out his explanation, so she can decide for herself.

 

Isn't the "take home" message in his phone text - he wanted to know if his ex still had feelings for him and if she would get back together with him.

 

That's the message without the static. Anything he tries to say to "explain" this is the static.

[norajane]

You're making me think a little outside the argument and outside the box...

 

Don't you think its a woman's responsibility to be a priority rather than an option? Same could be expected of us men.

 

Granted, we have to balance our lives with many responsibilities but shouldn't we make each other priorities?

 

Seeing as she already worked hard to forgive his cheating in the past, I think she did make him a priority. HE, on the other hand, has proven twice now that she is only an option in his mind.

[CBR_pilot]

His head is somewhere else, and so should you be. It sounds like he's just keeping you around until he can get something else going. I wouldn't tell him that you snooped, but I would end things before he inevitably hurts you more. Yes, it hurts, and yes it will hurt some more, but the sooner that you move on, the sooner you can enjoy a healthy relationship again.

[You'reasian]

Have you ever been a cheater or been cheated on?

 

I have been cheated on but I'm not responsible for other's behaviors, only my own.

 

And sadly, I have crossed cheating territory on someone years ago (how's that for honesty?). What did I do? I broke up with the person I was with shortly thereafter. There's no point in trying to BS and sweep the stuff under the rug.

 

How could I have changed it?

 

I should have taken the bull by the horns and brought the issues to the forefront and left the relationship a little earlier or atleast gotten some intervention.

 

No BS, no excuses, I'm going to tell you what I think and if we can get through it, great.

 

Guys like me are hard to be with but you will always know exactly where you stand.

[audrey_1]

Don't you think its a woman's responsibility to be a priority rather than an option? Same could be expected of us men.

 

Granted, we have to balance our lives with many responsibilities but shouldn't we make each other priorities?

 

Yes, which is why it's now her responsibility to jet from this situation, because clearly she's not a priority. The ex is.

 

Isn't the "take home" message in his phone text - he wanted to know if his ex still had feelings for him and if she would get back together with him.

 

That's the message without the static. Anything he tries to say to "explain" this is the static.

 

Agreed.

 

Seeing as she already worked hard to forgive his cheating in the past, I think she did make him a priority. HE, on the other hand, has proven twice now that she is only an option in his mind.

 

Yep. And no more. Leave him behind.

[You'reasian]

Isn't the "take home" message in his phone text - he wanted to know if his ex still had feelings for him and if she would get back together with him.

 

That's the message without the static. Anything he tries to say to "explain" this is the static.

 

This actually happened to me, but in reverse....

 

The girl I was with even brought the guy over to explain why he said what he did and said he was even engaged.

 

Whether his statement is true or not is none of my business but his intentions with my gf at the time were and she was holding back on something?

 

Regardless, she's an ex and that's what she'll be.

[Trialbyfire]

I have been cheated on but I'm not responsible for other's behaviors' date=' only my own. [/b']

So why do you feel she's responsible for explaining things to him?

 

And sadly, I have crossed cheating territory on someone years ago (how's that for honesty?). What did I do? I broke up with the person I was with shortly thereafter. There's no point in trying to BS and sweep the stuff under the rug.

 

How could I have changed it?

 

I should have taken the bull by the horns and brought the issues to the forefront and left the relationship a little earlier or atleast gotten some intervention.

 

No BS, no excuses, I'm going to tell you what I think and if we can get through it, great.

 

Guys like me are hard to be with but you will always know exactly where you stand.

Yes, you should have left the relationship first.

 

So, once again, why are you trying to make the OP responsible for the behaviours of her not once cheater but TWICE?

 

He's done this before. As the OP has stated, they discussed things the first time and tried again. Now he's doing this to her again. What part of this don't you understand?

[You'reasian]

So why do you feel she's responsible for explaining things to him??

 

Its good to know what went wrong and take accountability.

 

Problems tend to propogate themselves if unfixed. When the relationship ends, its a good idea to look at the person in the mirror and see what you might have done that contributed to the drift and figure out how you can fix it.

 

Sometimes the problem is very simple in retrospect. Perhaps the two of you should have spent more time setting boundaries, discussing things that you will or will not put up with, things that cause each other to agitate.

 

and if the other person gets scared, then move on.

[Trialbyfire]

Its good to know what went wrong and take accountability. Problems tend to propogate themselves if unfixed. When the relationship ends' date=' its a good idea to look at the person in the mirror and see what it is that might have caused a rift.[/quote']

What part of him cheating on her twice and the fact that they worked through it the first time, and he did it again, don't you understand?

 

Once again, you're making the OP responsible for his cheating. That's really disturbing. I'm not certain you did learn anything from your own cheating situation. I also think that if you were cheated on, then cheated on someone else, there were some serious issues you didn't address. I find it unfathomable that someone who's been cheated on, could ever cheat on anyone else. There's a strong element of poor coping skills involved.