Problems with fiance

[mental_traveller]

Is your boyfriend offering to buy you out of your share at a fair price, to compensate you for the lost income you'd give up if you left the business? If not, then he is being a hypocrite (or a broke loser).

[mental_traveller]

We have common friends (my group of friends still largely comprises of my MBA classmates), so we are often at the same social events. Otherwise, I used to have coffee with him after work sometimes but hardly do that now. Intimate information? About my relationship and all? No. I guess my fiance is jealous because I get along well with him, he's a good friend, and I guess the fact that he is good looking also has something to do with it. No, I don't kiss his cheek.

 

 

 

He's very caring otherwise. We also have similar tastes and interests. I do think he's good marriage material. He specifically tells me that he doesn't have a problem with me working, whether it's the business(minus a male partner) or elsewhere. He's not as controlling as it apparently looks like.

He's an investment banker.

 

 

 

I don't know, what if I break up, and no other man puts up with this either? Maybe if I do what he wants this time, he won't be so demanding again, because this would be a huge sacrifice?

 

 

See, I know it kind of irks him that I make around the same money as him, more this year, but I don't think he wants me to sit at home or tie me down. No, he has never told me to not wear make up or dress modestly.

I won't be giving up everything for him, I don't think anyone could demand all that!?!

 

No offence, but you are too naive about men and relationships to even consider getting married. If you marry this guy, I can guarantee your life WILL be ruined.

 

Listen to RecordProducer, she understands the mentality of jealous/possessive men, because she has experienced it personally. There is no point asking for advice, if you are only going to ignore it when given by people MUCH more experienced than you in these situations.

 

You are being foolish for staying with this guy, and it will all end in tears IMO.

 

N.B. one final point - if he is an investment banker, he will most likely be out of work within the next year or so. If you give up your business, you will both be unemployed and without an income. Something to bear in mind.

[mental_traveller]

My fiance will not marry me if I continue working with my business partner. .

 

Unproven assumption.

 

If he is in love with you as he claims to be, then he will marry you even if you stay in the business. If he is able to walk away over that one issue, he is not in love with you.

[mental_traveller]

You will find that most men would have problems if their SO's were so close to someone of the opposite sex. Most guys wouldn't live with this.

 

People aren't close to their business partners. It's a professional relationship based around making money, not emotions - let alone romance.

 

Since you obviously have never had a business partner, you are not in any way qualified to comment on this situation.

[RecordProducer]

Is your boyfriend offering to buy you out of your share at a fair price, to compensate you for the lost income you'd give up if you left the business? If not, then he is being a hypocrite (or a broke loser).

Very good point! Bravo, MT!

 

To me this is the same as telling your fiancée that she has to quit med school and be a housewife. The difference in income is immense.

 

And no, saying that he doesn't have a problem with the work, only with the partner is bullsh*t: as long as he is making your professional decisions for you, he is putting his hands where they don't belong.

 

If I were you, I would show some backbone and say: "Fine. Don't marry me. If you're going to impose your rules on me and my career and blackmail me, then our marriage will be doomed. Reconsider your conditions and when you're ready to accept the fact that I will make decisions regarding my career - call me. " I would even give him a time frame. He can't drag you forever hoping that eventually you'll give in. Sorry, but your profession is way more important than any man. Most married women would probably agree that your job is the pivotal factor of your independence. And if you're not independent, you're dependent on a man.

 

Your husband is not your friend. He hasn't even become your husband yet and he is already blackmailing you and demanding that you abandon your business. Do you have parents or siblings? If yes, talk to them and see how upset they will be about this - because they love you and want the best for you. Your fiancé doesn't want the best for you; he wants the best for himself.

[Tomcat33]

you know RP you make so many excellent points it just seems like a no brainer looking from the outside in.

 

If I were you, I would show some backbone and say: "Fine. Don't marry me. If you're going to impose your rules on me and my career and blackmail me, then our marriage will be doomed. Reconsider your conditions and when you're ready to accept the fact that I will make decisions regarding my career - call me. "

 

That's just it, the OP has to be willing to take that leap and unless you have been in a situation where you were willing to walk and let it all go fully knowing that the outcome could hurt like hell and actually even having hurt like hell, you won't take such stance.

 

It's unfortunate the crap we need to live through in order to have the level of clarity you manifest.

 

I partake in all your thoughts.

 

 

This was perfect:

 

Do you have parents or siblings? If yes, talk to them and see how upset they will be about this - because they love you and want the best for you. Your fiancé doesn't want the best for you; he wants the best for himself.

[SoulSearch_CO]

Soul Search, yes I've seen it around the net.

You people aren't being realistic. It's common sense that men and women hanging out together alone is very likely to lead to something.

There was a study on this. It was posted on some board here also. That cheating is on the rise because we have more 'close friends' of the opposite sex.

People saying they have friends of the opposite sex and something hasn't happened need to get real. It's virtually impossible to be close friends with someone of the opposite sex.

Links, please? I like to see hard proof and concrete facts. You can't just say, "Yes, I've seen it" and expect me to believe it. I call BS. I wanna SEE the proof from an unbiased source.

 

And OP...your fiance sounds like James. Used the same words about not being able to "live with this." Your fiance's name doesn't happen to be JAMES, does it? LOL

[carhill]

So, to recap, if the male/female relationship is a business relationship which pre-dates the woman's intimate relationship with her SO/spouse and the woman's SO/spouse is uncomfortable with the business relationship, he is presumed to be insecure/immature/unreasonable, by the preponderence of the responses.

 

Sounds good. I will expect the same healthy perspective moving forward when the gender roles are reversed. Evolution is a wonderous thing

[Walk]

So, to recap, if the male/female relationship is a business relationship which pre-dates the woman's intimate relationship with her SO/spouse and the woman's SO/spouse is uncomfortable with the business relationship, he is presumed to be insecure/immature/unreasonable, by the preponderence of the responses.

 

Sounds good. I will expect the same healthy perspective moving forward when the gender roles are reversed. Evolution is a wonderous thing

 

As long as you put it in context. The man has to sell, or close, his business. Or the man has to quit a career that he's worked numerous years for. Because his gf has issued an ultimatum, or non-negotiable stance.

Then it would be the same.

 

If this were a man posting this scenario, I'd tell him the same thing as I told this woman.

[carhill]

Same scenario. I'm marking a milestone so I can find it in the future. It's my male version of journaling.

 

OP, no need to answer publicly, but how's your sex life been lately? Take a look at that.

[ella23]

 

 

 

Are we reading the same thread? She actually said he is very possesive.

 

No, I think she said that he's not really controlling but is sometimes possessive when it comes to male friends.

As for spending more time at work, well, most people spend more time at work than at home. Obviously, she's going to be with the business partner more than her fiance.

 

If you truly believe that then there is your answer to your contradictory thinking, if she ever feels atracted to him she will distance herself and problem solved. Right?

The only way she could distance herself was if she got out of the business. If they continue seeing each other everyday, you can hardly do anything about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

But I think it boils down to what is perceived as psychologically ok with each of us. In the case of the fiance perhaps he should seriously think about WHY he chose to be with a woman that has made a life out of building a business with another man, he should seriously consider why if he had such a big hang up about that he would proceed to get heavily involved with her.

Of course, he's a fool for staying with her, if this is not the kind of woman that he wants.

 

 

Sounds good. I will expect the same healthy perspective moving forward when the gender roles are reversed. Evolution is a wonderous thing

Hmm, I guess women mostly support other women when it comes to issues like this one.

[sugar_and_spice]

No offence, but you are too naive about men and relationships to even consider getting married. If you marry this guy, I can guarantee your life WILL be ruined.

 

Listen to RecordProducer, she understands the mentality of jealous/possessive men, because she has experienced it personally. There is no point asking for advice, if you are only going to ignore it when given by people MUCH more experienced than you in these situations.

 

:confused:Willing to compromise doesn't make someone naive.

 

People aren't close to their business partners.

she said they're good friends. I don't see how that should matter.

[dnm]

What I meant was, is the fact that you ARE so successful at your business compounding his jealousy issue?

 

 

You could put the shoe on the other foot and see how he likes it. Maybe then he'd see how controlling he's being. You could tell him YOU won't marry HIM unless he drops this preposterous demand. .

Well, it's possible, but the main problem is a male business partner. Especailly because we travel together sometimes.

I could try what you are suggesting but I hope it won't make things worse.

 

dnm, if I am reading your posts correctly, you are saying that your fiancee is demanding that you give up the business

 

 

You discount the idea of PMC or pre-nup (though granted isn't legal in the UK per your earlier post).

You are giving this guy complete control over you.

My fiance is demanding it, but he says it like, "I won't be able to put up with this if we marry. You know I've never liked it. Please, can't you do something else?" kind of way, not "give up your business now!".

he doesn't have complete control over me. A prenuptial agreement/premarital contract is "considered" by the courts, but it may or may not be held binding.

 

Dnm you are comparing apples and oranges.

What happens if you end up in a firm working with another team of guys? Have you asked your fiance what will happen then? Will he expect you to quit and transfer careers again?

Does he realise men are in the workplace?

Like I said, he says that in the workplace I needn't be close friends with my colleagues. By comparing the two threads, I was trying to say that there were posters there who said that men and women should give up friends of the opposite sex once they are married.

As for spending more time with my BP, well, we're at work till late, so in that sense yes, but it's only for the work. A lot of people end up spending more time with colleagues than spouses, that was the case even when I was working at a consulting firm, i.e. I used to spend more time at work than with my then boyfriend.

 

You keep saying that he is good marriage material. Are you in love with him, and he with you, or are you looking at this more from a practical perspective?

 

I think it is very possible that your fiance is jealous of your partner. Are you doing better in business than your fiance? Maybe he is jealous that the "other man" in your life is doing better professionally than he is.

This year I did better. It's been a very stressful year for my fiance, ( he's an investment banker).

yes, of course, we love each other. There's no point in marrying otherwise!

 

 

Now on the other hand, if he's willing and able to let you be a "stay at home" Mom or wife, then maybe you should consider it...

He'd be fine with that, but I don't want to be a Stay at Home wife. I realise that many women feel happy that way, but it's not for me.

 

No offence, but you are too naive about men and relationships to even consider getting married.

 

If you are only going to ignore it when given by people MUCH more experienced than you in these situations.

 

Perhaps I am naive, but I'm certainly not ignoring any advice.

 

 

 

Do you have parents or siblings? If yes, talk to them and see how upset they will be about this - because they love you and want the best for you.

Yeah, I do have parents and an older sister. I will speak to them.

 

And OP...your fiance sounds like James. Used the same words about not being able to "live with this." Your fiance's name doesn't happen to be JAMES, does it? LOL

Lol, no.

People aren't close to their business partners. It's a professional relationship based around making money, not emotions - let alone romance.

 

We're friends but our professional relationship comes first. I wouldn't even consider romance with a business partner, that wouldn't be in interest of the business or him and me.

[james123]

Links, please? I like to see hard proof and concrete facts. You can't just say, "Yes, I've seen it" and expect me to believe it. I call BS. I wanna SEE the proof from an unbiased source.

 

Just search online you'll find them. As for the cheating article, it's in the Infidelity section on this site itself.

[carhill]

Quote:

Originally Posted by carhill

OP, a couple of questions:

 

1. Do you, your fiance and your business partner socialize together? If so, how does that go?

 

Yes, we do socialise together, mostly when we are out at social events. My fiance doesn't like my business partner much. They are very different people.

I missed this earlier. Other than perhaps disparate perspectives about the ethics/appropriateness of male/female business partnerships, what do you mean by "very different people"?

[sugar_and_spice]

So why dont you go and BE with that MAN instead of preaching about what MEN do and how they feel? Are you a male? If not then stfu. You don't know **** about men except how to wrap your lips around their junk to make them happy. Stop preaching about what a man is or does because you lack the genetic make up and know how.

do you think her fiance's behaviour is appropriate then?

[Ayemtee]

do you think her fiance's behaviour is appropriate then?

 

Nope not at all. But I think she should at least be somewhat respectful and understanding of his feelings. I could be blabbin my fat mouth all over these boards like moonshadow talking about what a "real" woman this and that...please man. Honestly OP just tell your fiance that it's nothing to bug out over. Its just business.

[sugar_and_spice]

Nope not at all. But I think she should at least be somewhat respectful and understanding of his feelings. I could be blabbin my fat mouth all over these boards like moonshadow talking about what a "real" woman this and that...please man. Honestly OP just tell your fiance that it's nothing to bug out over. Its just business.

oh okay. The words were strong, but she probably feels very strongly about such things.

[dnm]

I missed this earlier. Other than perhaps disparate perspectives about the ethics/appropriateness of male/female business partnerships, what do you mean by "very different people"?

Personality wise. My fiance is a lot more reserved, serious and quieter than my bp. Actually my bp is very outgoing and extroverted, my fiance finds him somewhat irritating. Not that there is any particular reason that they should not get along. Sometimes people don't click, I guess?

[Tomcat33]

. Honestly OP just tell your fiance that it's nothing to bug out over. Its just business.

 

Right because I am sure the OP never thought of that, never thought to tell her fiance "don't worry there is nothing to be jealous about"

 

Look the bottom line is there are only two avenues here either she walks from the fiance and keeps the business or walks from the business and keeps the fiance because he is not going to meet her half way. Clearly by what you are suggesting Ayemtee you support that she walk form her career, because there is no other alternative here. So while you are telling others to stfu (was that really necessary?) really what do you bring to the table in terms of how to handle this problem?

 

 

Dnm: what do you feel for your business partner? Are you attracted to him? Are you atracted to his personality and do you enjoy a lot of fun times with him one on one?

 

My fiance is a lot more reserved, serious and quieter than my bp. Actually my bp is very outgoing and extroverted, my fiance finds that a tad irritating.

 

Sounds like your bp is everything your fiance wishes he was. Successful, outgoing, fun and more than likely good looking too.

 

This is 100% an inferirioty thing and a deep seated issue with your man, sorry but the more I read about it the more I am convinced your fiance has an extremely low self regard especially when it comes to this other guy.

 

Like I said, he says that in the workplace I needn't be close friends with my colleagues. By comparing the two threads, I was trying to say that there were posters there who said that men and women should give up friends of the opposite sex once they are married.

 

Again that is not what people were saying in general, they weren't saying that you marry and you should give up exisiting friends, they were agreeing that once you are in a committed rel with someone you should tread carefully in terms of how you relate and how close you get to people of the opposite sex.

 

In that situation the wife has asked that the man not become such close friends with his co-worker outside of work and spend more leisure time with her than need be outside of work. His wife is not being a complete unreasonable JERK asking him to quit his job for her, her demands are reasonable and most people would surrport them. She is simply saying have this coworker of yours but keep the frienship under control. That is what MOST reasonable people would ask for, what unreasonable people do is they give their partners ultimatums when there is no need for it. Your partner has NO reason to demand what he is demanding unless of course you are hiding something here, unless you are secretly attracted to your bp and it shows when you are together.

 

 

You seem to read what you are already thinking, but that's not what is being said. Please go back and read that thread people are not saying "give all your friendships you are married now"

[Ayemtee]

Right because I am sure the OP never thought of that, never thought to tell her fiance "don't worry there is nothing to be jealous about"

 

Look the bottom line is there are only two avenues here either she walks from the fiance and keeps the business or walks from the business and keeps the fiance because he is not going to meet her half way. Clearly by what you are suggesting Ayemtee you support that she walk form her career, because there is no other alternative here. So while you are telling others to stfu (was that really necessary?) really what do you bring to the table in terms of how to handle this problem?

 

I'm not supporting her fiance at all. But to ignore his insecurities and say he isn't a real man is total bull****. Moonshadow really does need to shut her mouth. I don't care if it was harsh or not, she goes about preaching what a real something she's not does and how they go about handling situations. I could say a real woman wouldn't be on ****ing LS but instead in the kitchen cooking dinner. Its equally outrageous.

 

Now back to the problem at hand. The OP isn't just going to leave her fiance. So what do you suggest she do? Obviously she and her fiance need to try harder to work this out. Yeah leaving is the end all be all of it but she's not ready for that option or she wouldn't be here.

[dnm]

Right because I am sure the OP never thought of that, never thought to tell her fiance "don't worry there is nothing to be jealous about"

 

 

Dnm: what do you feel for your business partner? Are you attracted to him? Are you atracted to his personality and do you enjoy a lot of fun times with him one on one?

 

 

 

Sounds like your bp is everything your fiance wishes he was. Successful, outgoing, fun and more than likely good looking too.

 

This is 100% an inferirioty thing and a deep seated issue with your man, sorry but the more I read about it the more I am convinced your fiance has an extremely low self regard especially when it comes to this other guy.

 

No, my fiance is more conventianally good looking , my female friends too find him very handsome, and told me so when they first met him.

My fiance is quieter and reserved, not a bore! He's successful, too, just this year has been a tough one for him and his colleagues.

No, I'm not attracted to my bp. He's easy to get along with and is very intelligent, and is fun to be with, but that doesn't mean I want to be with him. He's not even the type of guy I go for.

 

 

 

 

 

Now back to the problem at hand. The OP isn't just going to leave her fiance. So what do you suggest she do? Obviously she and her fiance need to try harder to work this out. Yeah leaving is the end all be all of it but she's not ready for that option or she wouldn't be here.

I came here to see what unbiased people would have to say. My friends will obviously take my side. Yes, I want both things. I was hoping that perhaps someone could help me figure out a way to convince him to not want me to leave my business, and find some middle ground.

[Tomcat33]

I'm not supporting her fiance at all. But to ignore his insecurities and say he isn't a real man is total bull****. Moonshadow really does need to shut her mouth. I don't care if it was harsh or not, she goes about preaching what a real something she's not does and how they go about handling situations. I could say a real woman wouldn't be on ****ing LS but instead in the kitchen cooking dinner. Its equally outrageous.

 

 

 

Fair enough.

Actually I hate the expression "be a real man" or "a real woman" as well and have had numerours run ins with people around here since what most people fail to see is that "real men" are men who do half the crap we we criticize as women. Just as real women are what men criticize about us. TTHAT'S real all the other fantasies we carry in our heads are not.

 

People think real men are Humphrey Bogart types or Errol Flynn, when the reality is that real men and women are what we encounter every single day.

 

I don't suggest she leave him but I do suggest she call him on his threat. I suggest she say to him

 

I love you with all my heart and I want nothing more than to have a future with you and to be your W to plan our perfect future together but in that future I envision myself in my current business, because this is also who I am and what I have worked hard for. So how do YOU suggest we work around making this work so that I can love you for everthing you are and you can love me for everything that I am? Clearly define a plan that works for both.

 

I would put the ball in his court but stand my ground. THAT is what I would do, and if he chooses to walk it is his decision and quite frankly he can't love her all that much if he is willing to walk over that. It's not like she is not willing to compromise, she is, she is just not willing to give up what she worked very hard to achieve careerwise.

[Tomcat33]

No, my fiance is more conventianally good looking , my female friends too find him very handsome, and told me so when they first met him.

My fiance is quieter and reserved, not a bore! He's successful, too, just this year has been a tough one for him and his colleagues.

No, I'm not attracted to my bp. He's easy to get along with and is very intelligent, and is fun to be with, but that doesn't mean I want to be with him. He's not even the type of guy I go for.

 

 

Ok thanks for sharing that.

 

I wonder if he would be so adamant to get you to walk away from your business with this guy if his business was booming and he were making the big bucks? you say he has always had a problem but it seems he is really pushing for it now. Why now?

[dnm]

Ok thanks for sharing that.

 

I wonder if he would be so adamant to get you to walk away from your business with this guy if his business was booming and he were making the big bucks? you say he has always had a problem but it seems he is really pushing for it now. Why now?

because we're going to get married, so we're going to be together all our lives. Earlier, well, we were just dating but there was no certainty that we would stay together.