Problems with fiance

[moonshadow]

I don't know, there has never been any need for it.

 

dnm - do you see the areas for concern here, with his request/ultimatum?

 

can you honestly say you have a high level of respect for him; a man who, due to his own petty insecurities on many levels, would actually have the audacity to demand that you give up your business and livelihood for him? D

 

Do you see the huge red flags here?

[carhill]

Yeah, but we haven't talked about that and I don't know if I want a prenuptial agreement. What does that have to do with the issue?

This issue underscores real potential issues in other areas. The ability of relationship partners to negotiate and compromise; to understand and relate to each other's perspectives.

 

Have you shared your perspective about prenups with your business partner? Marriage can and does complicate business ties, as men throughout history have seen. It's no different for a female business owner. My wife and I both own businesses. Trust me, I know

 

My position is to suggest actions which you then decide are or are not healthy and proper for you. You're the final arbiter of your path.

 

Is there a wedding date set? If so, about how long from now?

[dnm]

dnm - do you see the areas for concern here, with his request/ultimatum?

 

can you honestly say you have a high level of respect for him; a man who, due to his own petty insecurities on many levels, would actually have the audacity to demand that you give up your business and livelihood for him? D

 

Do you see the huge red flags here?

He didn't say it in some nasty way, he has never liked us working together, and he says that he can't deal with it. So he won't marry me if I continue working here.

He doesn't believe in platonic relationships, so he thinks this way.

[dnm]

This issue underscores real potential issues in other areas. The ability of relationship partners to negotiate and compromise; to understand and relate to each other's perspectives.

 

Have you shared your perspective about prenups with your business partner? Marriage can and does complicate business ties, as men throughout history have seen. It's no different for a female business owner. My wife and I both own businesses. Trust me, I know

 

My position is to suggest actions which you then decide are or are not healthy and proper for you. You're the final arbiter of your path.

 

Is there a wedding date set? If so, about how long from now?

Probably next winter.

No, I haven't discussed about prenups with my business partner, not with anyone. What will I discuss with him, anyway?

[moonshadow]

Probably next winter.

No, I haven't discussed about prenups with my business partner, not with anyone. What will I discuss with him, anyway?

 

Well you have to consider; if you do not sell your half in the business and your fiance still agrees to marry you (oh god, what is wrong with that sentence?) and trouble arises in your marriage such that the marriage ends and a divorce is pending, without a prenup, your husband can possibly take half of the assets and interest in your half of the business.......which inevitably would impact your business partner, wouldn't you think?

[dnm]

Well you have to consider; if you do not sell your half in the business and your fiance still agrees to marry you (oh god, what is wrong with that sentence?) and trouble arises in your marriage such that the marriage ends and a divorce is pending, without a prenup, your husband can possibly take half of the assets and interest in your half of the business.......which inevitably would impact your business partner, wouldn't you think?

 

He earns very well, too, but yeah I thought of that. I don't feel comfortable about having a prenup though. Anyway, I'm in Britain, prenups are not binding here.

[carhill]

What will I discuss with him, anyway?

The need for legal advice as to how you getting married will or will not affect the type and nature of your business partnership and your options thereto. Structuring the business to preserve his security in case of your divorce and vice-versa. Structuring prenups to address the businesses existence. I could go on for hours

 

I don't know where you live and whether any of this applies to you. I'm merely suggesting investigating such matters for yourself. IMO, the earlier such matters are addressed, the better. <On edit...seeing you're in the UK, I'll change "lawyer" to "solicitor" and still suggest getting legal advice>

 

You're in a difficult situation. I don't envy you. My wife works with other males and has male clients. I trust her because I was raised in a trusting and loving environment and believe in the value of proactive trust. Your partners perspective is different. Can it change? Is it compatible? I don't know. The PMC will help you find out, I hope

[dnm]

The need for legal advice as to how you getting married will or will not affect the type and nature of your business partnership and your options thereto. Structuring the business to preserve his security in case of your divorce and vice-versa. Structuring prenups to address the businesses existence. I could go on for hours

 

I don't know where you live and whether any of this applies to you. I'm merely suggesting investigating such matters for yourself. IMO, the earlier such matters are addressed, the better. <On edit...seeing you're in the UK, I'll change "lawyer" to "solicitor" and still suggest getting legal advice>

 

You're in a difficult situation. I don't envy you. My wife works with other males and has male clients. I trust her because I was raised in a trusting and loving environment and believe in the value of proactive trust. Your partners perspective is different. Can it change? Is it compatible? I don't know. The PMC will help you find out, I hope

yeah, thanks. But I doubt I'll be married if I remain in the business .

[carhill]

Interesting...

 

Are you defining a power struggle here? With this perspective, what do you anticipate happening?

 

I'll be extreme....if you broke the engagement today, what would happen?

[dnm]

Interesting...

 

Are you defining a power struggle here? With this perspective, what do you anticipate happening?

 

I'll be extreme....if you broke the engagement today, what would happen?

Well, then nothing will happen. I'm not going to do anything too soon, need to think clearly first.

My fiance will not marry me if I continue working with my business partner. He doesn't have a problem with my business itself.

[norajane]

I don't know, there has never been any need for it.

 

There's never been a need for him to give up anything for you, because you've never asked him to give up anything important, never made anything an issue. He, on the other hand, right off the bat is imposing ultimatums on you - conditions under which he would and would not marry you.

 

Do you see the imbalance in expectations and how each of you feels about what you are entitled to?

 

I guarantee this business of yours, which you worked long and hard to establish and to become profitable and successful, will last a hell of a lot longer than your marriage would.

[carhill]

Well, then nothing will happen. I'm not going to do anything too soon, need to think clearly first.

My fiance will not marry me if I continue working with my business partner. He doesn't have a problem with my business itself.

So, I'm hearing you support the status quo at this time. You accept his perspective and also accept that your relationship will remain as it is now and you will reflect upon this dynamic some more.

 

How do you feel about attending PMC (pre-marital counseling)? Have you or he considered this and/or talked about it at all?

 

If you had to decide today and he was willing to marry you tomorrow, regardless of this issue, would you agree to that? Why?

 

What I'm trying to do here is share some of what I learned during a year of MC.... the answers really lie within yourself.

[dnm]

So, I'm hearing you support the status quo at this time. You accept his perspective and also accept that your relationship will remain as it is now and you will reflect upon this dynamic some more.

 

How do you feel about attending PMC (pre-marital counseling)? Have you or he considered this and/or talked about it at all?

 

If you had to decide today and he was willing to marry you tomorrow, regardless of this issue, would you agree to that? Why?

 

What I'm trying to do here is share some of what I learned during a year of MC.... the answers really lie within yourself.

 

Yeah,we would marry. There are no other major issues.

no, we haven't considered pre-marital counselling.

And he really isn't the kind of guy who would change his view on something he feels strongly about.

[carhill]

As I read your post, I look above to the title on my web browser, which reads "problems with fiance". Does that title remain accurate? If yes, is this something you can live with long-term?

[Walk]

It would cause me a great deal of resentment if I was forced to give up my business in order for the person I love to want to marry me. If you were to give up the business, how do you think you'll feel long term? Do you feel you'll get an equal return from your fiance in the future? Meaning, do you believe he'll give unselfishly to you at as high a level as you gave to him.

 

Why is it fair for him to ask you to give up the business? Has he given up anything like this for you in the past?

 

Just curious, but what if you never marry and just keep dating? He only said he wouldn't marry you while you owned the business...

 

Just to restate. I owned my own business for many years and I never ran into any man who felt the way your fiance does (or how james123 on here says he feels). All the men I dated, and the one I married, were proud that I owned a business. They supported me, they were excited by it. I worked long hours alone with my close male friend. I don't think your fiance's stance is the majority opinion.

 

Personally, leaving my business felt like I lost my child. It was heart wrenching. It was one of the worst things I went through.. I cried so hard after I sold it. I felt lost.

 

Last thought... employers shy away from potential applicants who owned their own businesses. You'll find it harder to get a position then others. People who've been laid off for a year will be better candidates then you because employers see you as some one who can't take directions, who can't take orders well, who can't work as a team player. Keep that in mind.

 

ok.. last last thought.. when you really love someone, you want them to do the things that make them happy. You support them in reaching their goals and dreams. You want to make their lives easier and better. And if they are passionate about something, you want them to succeed at it. You don't tell them to quit, or force them to give up something they love.

[RecordProducer]

working together? they'd have to be pretty close if they own a business together.

Close? My husabnd has owned businesses with other people; some of them were not even his friends, but I assure you, he hasn't had sex with any of these people (who happened to be men). If somebody wants to cheat, they don't have to do it with their business partner or even at work. There are plenty of men out there. Moreover, someone you see every day for years is not as interesting as someone new.

 

I am shocked and disgusted by some replies in this thread. These people have a consulting office. They are actually WORKING there, not taking their clothes off and drinking. I can't believe this is the 21st century in America.

 

DNM, are you and your finace of non-American culture?

 

And he really isn't the kind of guy who would change his view on something he feels strongly about

Nice. So you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who's stubborn, narrow-minded, and selfish? because a person who won't change his mind no matter how much it affects his beloved one negatively is all that.

 

And how would you feel if you had to give up your successful business and your independence for him? Would you be happy? Would you have respect for a man who is so insecure that he had to isolate you from your work just so HE can feel confident?

 

You never said WHY it bothers him so much. Did you date this guy in the past? Is he some super-handsome playboy? What's his rationale behind his irrational demand?

 

I think your fiancé is just some bum who doesn't want his wife with an MBA and a successful business to have the upper hand. He wants to make you dependent instead of independent. He knows well that if you break up your business for the marriage, he can demand that you don't work altogether in the future.

[SoulSearch_CO]

You owned the business with this man before your BF/Fiance came along. If he didn't like it from the get-go, then he should have said something then. At this point, it's about trying to change who somebody is just to make sure they fit nice and neat into your little world. I'd be annoyed and his suggestion would have landed him at the curb next to the garbage cans. There wouldn't be a second chance after a DEMAND like that one. My response would have been, "And I can't be with somebody who thinks I'm somebody to be commanded." Just think where this can go once you're married. C-O-N-T-R-O-L-L-I-N-G. Next thing you know, he'll be telling you how to wear your hair, how to wear your makeup, what clothes to wear, and which friends you can keep.

 

I REALLY don't understand the train of thought that if a woman works with a man, she'll end up sleeping with him. HELLO...she had that opportunity before the BF came along, why wait until she's in a committed relationship to do it?

 

I think it shows a complete lack of trust and the narrow-mindedness would be intolerable to me on any level.

[dnm]

 

 

DNM, are you and your finace of non-American culture?

 

Nice. So you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who's stubborn, narrow-minded, and selfish? because a person who won't change his mind no matter how much it affects his beloved one negatively is all that.

 

And how would you feel if you had to give up your successful business and your independence for him? Would you be happy? Would you have respect for a man who is so insecure that he had to isolate you from your work just so HE can feel confident?

 

You never said WHY it bothers him so much. Did you date this guy in the past? Is he some super-handsome playboy? What's his rationale behind his irrational demand?

 

I think your fiancé is just some bum who doesn't want his wife with an MBA and a successful business to have the upper hand. He wants to make you dependent instead of independent. He knows well that if you break up your business for the marriage, he can demand that you don't work altogether in the future.

 

We're both British.

 

See the thing is that he doesn't believe that platonic relationships can exist, especially close ones. In any case, not everyone finds it acceptable for their SO to have friends of the opposite sex, He doesn't have a problem with my business. But he finds it odd that a woman would co-own a business with a male.

And no, I never dated my business partner, but we are good friends.

[dnm]

Why is it fair for him to ask you to give up the business? Has he given up anything like this for you in the past?

 

Just curious, but what if you never marry and just keep dating? He only said he wouldn't marry you while you owned the business...

keep dating? But he would still be uncomfortable right?

It's fair for him to ask for this in the sense that not everyone can put up with their SO's having friends of the opposite sex.

 

Just to restate. I owned my own business for many years and I never ran into any man who felt the way your fiance does (or how james123 on here says he feels). All the men I dated, and the one I married, were proud that I owned a business. They supported me, they were excited by it. I worked long hours alone with my close male friend. I don't think your fiance's stance is the majority opinion.

 

Personally, leaving my business felt like I lost my child. It was heart wrenching. It was one of the worst things I went through.. I cried so hard after I sold it. I felt lost.

selling your business had nothing to do with your personal life right?

We also have other people working in the business, so I'm not alone with my business partner that much, but yeah, often we are, and we also have to travel together sometimes.

 

Last thought... employers shy away from potential applicants who owned their own businesses. You'll find it harder to get a position then others. People who've been laid off for a year will be better candidates then you because employers see you as some one who can't take directions, who can't take orders well, who can't work as a team player. Keep that in mind.

 

I know it would be difficult to find a job elsewhere now. Let's see.

 

 

As I read your post, I look above to the title on my web browser, which reads "problems with fiance". Does that title remain accurate? If yes, is this something you can live with long-term?

Yes, it's more or less accurate. No, I can't live with it in the long term, it has to be sorted out asap.

[james123]

 

Just to restate. I owned my own business for many years and I never ran into any man who felt the way your fiance does (or how james123 on here says he feels). All the men I dated, and the one I married, were proud that I owned a business. They supported me, they were excited by it. I worked long hours alone with my close male friend. I don't think your fiance's stance is the majority opinion.

 

You will find that most men would have problems if their SO's were so close to someone of the opposite sex. Most guys wouldn't live with this.

[SoulSearch_CO]

You will find that most men would have problems if their SO's were so close to someone of the opposite sex. Most guys wouldn't live with this.

Rather than making a broad, sweeping generalization that "most" guys are jealous and selfish creatures over nothing, have you taken a poll that you haven't shared with us? Is there a poll out there somewhere online that you aren't sharing? How do you come to this conclusion. Please back up your statement with some hard facts and proof. Your statement doesn't make much sense. Just because YOU feel that way and your however many friends, realize that you represent maybe .000006% of the total male population of the U.S. Your estimation that "most" guys would feel the same way you do indicates that at least 75 million+ (just over half) males in the U.S. can't trust their woman to be alone with another man without cheating on him.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

It seems as though your fiance falls firmly into the "all women are temptresses" camp. It started with Eve when she took that bite of the apple, and poor Adam fell under her spell.

 

It is entirely possible for women to have platonic relationships with men. It is ludicrous to suggest otherwise.

 

At the heart of this is your fiance's belief that you will eventually succomb to the power of your sexuality. Women cannot possibly be friends with men, right? Eventually men will fall for the siren call of the vagina and we will gladly betray our SO's for that moment of passion.

 

Your fiance doesn't trust you. He believes that once he is out of sight you will fall into bed with another man. THAT IS THE HEART of it. Does this not bother you? I would greatly offended by this suggestion. Your partner in life wants you to give up your livelihood, and face an uncertain professional future, because he doesn't believe you have the strength to avoid temptation. That is assuming there is even an ounce of temptation there to begin with.

[ella23]

 

It is entirely possible for women to have platonic relationships with men. It is ludicrous to suggest otherwise.

 

 

 

It may be possible to have such a relationship, but people are never completely fine with their partner having a close friend of the opposite sex .

 

Is there a poll out there somewhere online that you aren't sharing?

I have seen several such polls online.

[carhill]

Bluntly put, the men who don't "trust their women" with other men don't trust themselves or other men. It has nothing to do with the women. I can't speak for women as I don't have a female mind. It's simply a predatory and territorial male trait. Some men are more evolved than others, either genetically or sociologically, accounting for variability. But, at the root, it's the man himself. He owns his perspective.

 

That said, such men have their positive attributes, some overwhelmingly so. Again, it comes down to compatibility. Is this man compatible with the OP?

[norajane]

Yeah,we would marry. There are no other major issues.

no, we haven't considered pre-marital counselling.

And he really isn't the kind of guy who would change his view on something he feels strongly about.

 

What about you? Are you the kind of person to change your view on something you feel strongly about?

 

How do you feel? Is this an issue you feel strongly about? You haven't expressed a lot of emotion about this here.

 

Are you upset that your fiancee wants you to end this partnership? Are you upset that your fiancee has made this a condition of marriage? How do you feel about ending the friendship with your partner as well as the business? How would you feel if he carried this further and felt very strongly about you having ANY friendships, close or casual, with other men? How would you feel if you ended your partnership, found another job with a male boss, male colleagues, and your then-husband felt very strongly about you leaving the job because you are working too closely on projects with them, and traveling with them as well?