Problems with fiance

[james123]

There are far too many unknowns to assert that most people, in this situation, would take issue.

 

* what kind of business is it?

* how long has she and her male partner owned it?

* was she ever romantically involved with this partner? is he an "ex"?

* how long has she been with her boyfriend/now fiance?

* when her fiance gives her this ultimatum, what is his reasoning?

* is her fiance "controlling" in other aspects of the relationship?

* what's next should she marry him; he forbids her from taking "any" kind of job that would require her to work amongst males?

* what's next, she's not allowed to go grocery shopping because she might cross paths with a man at the store?

* does she have an admitted history of having cheated in past relationships?

 

There's a lot of missing info so if the OP expects to gain decent input here, she needs to explain the whole picture, what lead up to this, what's really going on, etc.

 

what difference would the type of business make? Just running a business with a guy would cause problems.

And if she was romantically involved with this man, then more so obviously.

[Walk]

what difference would the type of business make? Just running a business with a guy would cause problems.

And if she was romantically involved with this man, then more so obviously.

Well, if she were running an erotic dance club with a male partner that may cast a different light on the situation then say a nonprofit business for collecting donations for out of work Christians.

[moonshadow]

Well, if she were running an erotic dance club with a male partner that may cast a different light on the situation then say a nonprofit business for collecting donations for out of work Christians.

 

Exactly. The type of business may shed some light on WHY the fiance is taking such issue; it may be adding to his insecurity.

 

It always irks me on message forums; when people post very general questions about a situation but fail to provide all of the pertinent details. In order for people to provide objective input and advice, the poster needs to provide the details that will help to put things into perspective; from their point of view and the point of view of their partner -- otherwise it's too easy to just side with the poster.

[Adri Ana]

I co-own a business with a mail friend, and my bf, now fiance, knew about this when we got together. He was never fully ok with the fact that I run a business with a guy.

My fiance is now telling me that I must leave my business, otherwise he won't marry me.

What do I do?

 

 

 

You have 2 options :

 

1- To say to your fiance NO .

~what will u get ?

a)You risk losing him .

b)You show your character,your strong nature. He will know in future when you marry , you are not the one to play with !

 

 

2- To let your fiance into your business.

~what will u get ?

a)So he will get closer to your co-owner becoming the one .

It`s a marriage . And if you trust him this much,you can allow him to enter the business .

[dnm]

Exactly. The type of business may shed some light on WHY the fiance is taking such issue; it may be adding to his insecurity.

 

It always irks me on message forums; when people post very general questions about a situation but fail to provide all of the pertinent details. In order for people to provide objective input and advice, the poster needs to provide the details that will help to put things into perspective; from their point of view and the point of view of their partner -- otherwise it's too easy to just side with the poster.

sorry about that. It's a consultancy business. My fiance doesn't have a problem with the business,he says he doesn't want me to run a business with another guy.

And to the other poster, no, I was never in a relationship with my business partner, and I haven't cheated either.

[moonshadow]

sorry about that. It's a consultancy business. My fiance doesn't have a problem with the business,he says he doesn't want me to run a business with another guy.

And to the other poster, no, I was never in a relationship with my business partner, and I haven't cheated either.

 

Well DNM, some questions:

 

1. How long have you been in a relationship with your fiance?

 

2. How long have you had your business?

 

3. When he dictates that you must get out of this business, what is his reasoning? Does he express trust issues? Does he claim it doesn't "appear right"? He must give you some kind of "reason" as to why he has a problem with this - so what is his reason?

 

4. What has YOUR response to him been? Have you stood up for yourself and told him that you were co-owner in this business at the very start of your relationship and if he had such a problem with it, he shouldn't have had a relationship with you?

 

5. Have you told him you'll consider getting out of the business?

 

6. Are there other areas in your relationship where he tries to dictate how things will be should he marry you?

 

7. If you are to sell your half of the business to your partner, then what does your fiance expect you'll do in terms of work? Does he make any suggestions? What happens if you get a job elsewhere (as an employer as opposed to a co-owner/manager) and you're working with males - will he take issue with that, too?

 

8. Do you get a sense that, now because you're wearing his engagement ring, that he's trying to change you to fit him? Does he try to isolate you from friends & family? Tell you how to dress? Does he seem insecure overall? Does he express a difficulty in trusting you?

[dnm]

1. How long have you been in a relationship with your fiance?

almost 2 years

 

2. How long have you had your business?

around 6 years

 

3. When he dictates that you must get out of this business, what is his reasoning? Does he express trust issues? Does he claim it doesn't "appear right"? He must give you some kind of "reason" as to why he has a problem with this - so what is his reason?

He says that he doesn't want me running a business with a male, and that it is really odd that I'm running a business with a guy and he's never heard of any male and female co-own a business. He doesn't feel comfortable with it.

 

 

4. What has YOUR response to him been? Have you stood up for yourself and told him that you were co-owner in this business at the very start of your relationship and if he had such a problem with it, he shouldn't have had a relationship with you?

He has always complained about it, but does it a lot more now. I told him that I have put so much hard work and money into it, and don't want to give it up. Also, he has no reason to be insecure about this, because I have never been more than friends with my business partner.

 

5. Have you told him you'll consider getting out of the business?

no, I don't really know what to do.

 

6. Are there other areas in your relationship where he tries to dictate how things will be should he marry you?

Not exactly, but he is quite possessive.

 

7. If you are to sell your half of the business to your partner, then what does your fiance expect you'll do in terms of work? Does he make any suggestions? What happens if you get a job elsewhere (as an employer as opposed to a co-owner/manager) and you're working with males - will he take issue with that, too?

No, he's fine with me working elsewhere, because even if I have male co-workers, I'm not necessarily going to be close friends with them.

 

8. Do you get a sense that, now because you're wearing his engagement ring, that he's trying to change you to fit him? Does he try to isolate you from friends & family? Tell you how to dress? Does he seem insecure overall? Does he express a difficulty in trusting you?

Like I said, he's very possessive.

And I think he gets intimidated with the fact that I earn around the same amount as him.

[moonshadow]

1. How long have you been in a relationship with your fiance?

almost 2 years

 

2. How long have you had your business?

around 6 years

 

3. When he dictates that you must get out of this business, what is his reasoning? Does he express trust issues? Does he claim it doesn't "appear right"? He must give you some kind of "reason" as to why he has a problem with this - so what is his reason?

He says that he doesn't want me running a business with a male, and that it is really odd that I'm running a business with a guy and he's never heard of any male and female co-own a business. He doesn't feel comfortable with it.

 

 

4. What has YOUR response to him been? Have you stood up for yourself and told him that you were co-owner in this business at the very start of your relationship and if he had such a problem with it, he shouldn't have had a relationship with you?

He has always complained about it, but does it a lot more now. I told him that I have put so much hard work and money into it, and don't want to give it up. Also, he has no reason to be insecure about this, because I have never been more than friends with my business partner.

 

5. Have you told him you'll consider getting out of the business?

no, I don't really know what to do.

 

6. Are there other areas in your relationship where he tries to dictate how things will be should he marry you?

Not exactly, but he is quite possessive.

 

7. If you are to sell your half of the business to your partner, then what does your fiance expect you'll do in terms of work? Does he make any suggestions? What happens if you get a job elsewhere (as an employer as opposed to a co-owner/manager) and you're working with males - will he take issue with that, too?

No, he's fine with me working elsewhere, because even if I have male co-workers, I'm not necessarily going to be close friends with them.

 

8. Do you get a sense that, now because you're wearing his engagement ring, that he's trying to change you to fit him? Does he try to isolate you from friends & family? Tell you how to dress? Does he seem insecure overall? Does he express a difficulty in trusting you?

Like I said, he's very possessive.

And I think he gets intimidated with the fact that I earn around the same amount as him.

 

Thanks for answering this questions, it sheds a lot more light on the situation.

 

What are your ages?

 

Has he ever been married before? Have you?

 

I'm telling you, with God as my witness, don't EVER marry someone who is possessive; doing so is a recipe for disaster, emptiness and feeling like a prisoner in your own life. It becomes a hellish existence. Men who are possessive like this often turn out to be very abusive. Okay, so maybe he's not overtly abused you yet -- but I'm telling you from firsthand experience (and I'm sure many will agree) -- that many times a man's propensity to be abusive only become apparent once you officially become "his" -- his fiance, his wife, his PROPERTY. It only gets worse as time passes. Now he's demanding that you sell your half of the business but should you decide to walk down the aisle with him, I assure you -- that will only become the first of many demands. His possessiveness will drive him to want to isolate you, control you, guilt you, manipulate you. The way you dress, the friends you have, what you do in your free time, your freedom. He will become suspicious of you and your male coworkers. He will always have a sense of mistrust. You will end up feeling like a caged bird. It will only be worse if you decide to have children and are therefore connected to him forever due to having children.

 

A good, healthy, loving and stable man would not be so selfish as to demand that his fiancee must give up a business that she's put her heart and soul into. And if you do concede and give it up for him, this will be a real "green light" to him; that you are easily lead and dominated and that you will be very easy to control and overpower.

 

I highly urge you to find yourself a counselor; hopefully one who specializes in relationships/marriage. You need someone who's qualified to sit down and help open your eyes to this dysfunction - before it's too late.

 

Your fiance does not know what real "love" is all about for if he did, he would support you in your business and he would wish you nothing but success - and he would be there by your side..........but instead, he's forcing his insecurity issues onto you and putting you into a really sh*tty position of having to choose. When you love someone, you do not make them choose like this. You just don't.

 

Has he ever met your partner? Is your partner single / involved / married? Have you ever tried encouraging your fiance to get to know your partner?

 

Do not for one minute believe what so many do; that "love" can fix your fiance's issues. Do not for one minute believe that if you sell your half of the business that you'll make everything better. Your fiance's insecurity and issues w/ possessiveness run very deep. Marriage is not going to make things better. Sacrificing everything you've worked hard for (which is a large part of WHO you are) is not even remotely fair for him to ask of you. It's frightening, actually. It is the tip of the iceberg.

 

I suspect, although he had issues with your business situation from the start, he arrogantly believed that once he proposed to you, that you would give it all up for him.........otherwise he'd have never continued to remain in a relationship with someone in your situation.

 

Sorry but he sounds like one scary individual. Real love; the kind of love that's needed to make a good life together with someone is a love where you don't ever ask your significant other to give up their life's work. He is so out to lunch it's not even funny.

[dnm]

 

What are your ages?

 

Has he ever been married before? Have you?

 

 

I'm 34, he's 32. No, neither of us has been married before.

My business partner, recently broke up with his long term girlfriend, he's dating again now.

My fiance knows him fairly well yeah.

 

Is it really something strange that I run a business with a male? I mean, would guys generally have issues with it?

[moonshadow]

I'm 34, he's 32. No, neither of us has been married before.

My business partner, recently broke up with his long term girlfriend, he's dating again now.

My fiance knows him fairly well yeah.

 

Is it really something strange that I run a business with a male? I mean, would guys generally have issues with it?

 

So your fiance knows him fairly well - so what does he think of him, does he not like him for some reason?

 

No, it's not strange that you run a business with a male, not at all. That being said, it's likely more common that business owners are the same gender but that's mostly because businesses are often created by close friends (best friends) who get an idea for something and then decide to actually implement that idea.....and probably it's more common for 'best friends' to be the same gender. But none of this really matters. It doesn't matter if 90/100 guys polled here would have an issue with it..............this is totally your life and YOU have to decide what's right for you. I hate to say it too but you may not get the most unbiased responses here; forums such as these are filled with people who've been lied to and cheated on and betrayed......and those who (understandably or not) have issues with trust, insecurity and possessiveness.

 

Let's call it what it is................your fiance has issues with trust and he's insecure. Relationships that have a chance in hell of working require total and 100% trust for one another. A person can't be possessive if he feels total 100% trust for his partner. Your fiance obviously doesn't have that trust in you, for whatever reason. You should never be looking at committing your lives together, in marriage, if there is not 100% mutual trust. If you don't have this as the foundation of your relationship, it will all go downhill sooner than later.

 

What your fiance is really saying to you, in an indirect way is, he does NOT TRUST YOU............nor does he RESPECT YOU.

 

Does it make much sense to remain with a man who professes to want to make a life with you but at the same time doesn't really trust or respect you?

 

Do you think it makes good sense to be engaged to, and planning to marry, someone who is asking you to give up your business and who doesn't have 100% trust in you?

[dnm]

So your fiance knows him fairly well - so what does he think of him, does he not like him for some reason?

 

No, it's not strange that you run a business with a male, not at all. That being said, it's likely more common that business owners are the same gender but that's mostly because businesses are often created by close friends (best friends) who get an idea for something and then decide to actually implement that idea.....and probably it's more common for 'best friends' to be the same gender. But none of this really matters.

I don't think he likes him much, they are very different people. I guess it's because he's a very good friend of mine.

 

My business partner and I were doing the same MBA degree, that's where we became friends and got the business idea, although we worked first to earn enough money.

 

Also, I don't go around spending time alone with him, when it's not for business purposes.While I'm in a relationship I don't hang out alone with just one male friend, because that won't be right( usually in a group ). So, it can't be that what's bothering him.

[james123]

look, the very fact that you started a business with this guy means that you have a very strong friendship, and such friendships almost always become more than that of just friends.

it is only normal that a man will react the way your fiance is reacting.

[prettybaby]

look, the very fact that you started a business with this guy means that you have a very strong friendship, and such friendships almost always become more than that of just friends.

it is only normal that a man will react the way your fiance is reacting.

What the hell are you talking about? They're business partners and friends. Had there been any mutual attraction, something would have happened long ago!

 

She's obviously not attracted to her business partner at all, and is very loyal when it comes to romantic relationships; so her fiance needs to stop being such a demanding insecure mess.

[moonshadow]

look, the very fact that you started a business with this guy means that you have a very strong friendship, and such friendships almost always become more than that of just friends.

it is only normal that a man will react the way your fiance is reacting.

 

Almost always mean more than just friends? You're speaking for yourself, James - don't profess to be speaking on behalf of most men because that's what you're doing.

 

She's had this business for 6 years; 4 years before she got together with Mr Possessive. A truly secure man who trusted his fiancee, the way a man SHOULD trust someone that he's considering marrying, would never give her such a selfish ultimatum. What, should she dump all male friends she might have, too? Where does it stop? Everytime he has an "issue" with someone she should just give in and do what he wants? Give me a break.

 

If he was a healthy and stable man, he'd trust his fiancee 100% and whether they were best friends from childhood, he'd still trust her and he wouldn't be such an intimidated and possessive p*$$y.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Part of being a good partner is to want your SO to be happy and fulfilled. If you are happy and satisfied with your business, and it brings home the bacon, too, then you you are lucky to have found that professional path. How many people out there are frustrated entrepreneurs, and yet you made that happen? For your fiance, the one person who should be behind you all the way, to demand you give up your livelihood because of his insecurities is unfair and ridiculous. This person does not have your best interests at heart, he only has his own interests at heart. And what planet does he come from where men and women don't work beside each other every day? If you gave up your business and became an employee, who's to say you won't be spending long hours on a project with a male co-worker? What is he going to say then?

[james123]

prettybaby and moonshadow,

I don't know a single person who would be ok with his or her partner being alone in the company of another person of the opposite sex.

[EYECANDY000]

I agree with james, but thats where trust comes into play.

 

If my fiance was together with a woman at all hours i would get a little suspicious. But, if theres no trust then theres no relationship. But anyone who says that it wouldnt cross their mind is fibbing.

[allina]

I don't know a single person who would be ok with his or her partner being alone in the company of another person of the opposite sex.

 

This is insane! Now you can't be alone in the company of a person of the opposite sex?! So any gf of yours can't get in a cab driven by a male driver because she's be alone with him? Can't work alone on a project with a male coworker? Can't grab coffee with an old male friend? Crazy!

[frustr8ed]

I'm a guy and I wouldn't have a problem with it. That business was part of her life before she even me this guy and he expects her to give it up, bull$#!+.

 

Part of being in a relationship is accepting what the significant other brings into it. If her fiance has a problem with it then he should call it a day with her and find someone that believes what he does. Or build a time machine so he can go back to the 50's.

[dnm]

I agree with james, but thats where trust comes into play.

 

If my fiance was together with a woman at all hours i would get a little suspicious. But, if theres no trust then theres no relationship. But anyone who says that it wouldnt cross their mind is fibbing.

 

well, we're working together, it would be similar as to when you work with a male closely in a workplace as employees.

 

would you ask him to make changes?

[EYECANDY000]

well, we're working together, it would be similar as to when you work with a male closely in a workplace as employees.

 

would you ask him to make changes?

 

yep. i would ask him too.

 

but thats not the same scenerio. my male collegues and I arent in a business binding relationship. Partnership determines a lot of attention, sacrifices, and quite frankly both of you two being together a lot.

[dnm]

yep. i would ask him too.

 

but thats not the same scenerio. my male collegues and I arent in a business binding relationship. Partnership determines a lot of attention, sacrifices, and quite frankly both of you two being together a lot.

 

yeah, we are together a lot, but its not as friends or personal stuff, its almost always the work. ( have to say though, even in the corporate world sometimes, as employees you often spend hell of a lot of time together, anyway that's irrelevant.)

you'd ask your guy to give up a business?

[ella23]

Part of being a good partner is to want your SO to be happy and fulfilled. If you are happy and satisfied with your business, and it brings home the bacon, too, then you you are lucky to have found that professional path. How many people out there are frustrated entrepreneurs, and yet you made that happen? For your fiance, the one person who should be behind you all the way, to demand you give up your livelihood because of his insecurities is unfair and ridiculous. This person does not have your best interests at heart, he only has his own interests at heart. And what planet does he come from where men and women don't work beside each other every day? If you gave up your business and became an employee, who's to say you won't be spending long hours on a project with a male co-worker? What is he going to say then?

like eyecandy said, spending time together as employees and as co-owners of a business is very different. the latter involves being together at all hours virtually.

 

i doubt it that if you were in a similar situation, you would diss the fiance. he's quite right, and his behaviour is normal.

[moonshadow]

like eyecandy said, spending time together as employees and as co-owners of a business is very different. the latter involves being together at all hours virtually.

 

i doubt it that if you were in a similar situation, you would diss the fiance. he's quite right, and his behaviour is normal.

 

Ella,

 

Instead of "assuming" that the original poster and her business partner are required to "be together at all hours virtually", why don't you ask the original poster if this is the case. You're making a huge assumption that it is, and I'm not sure why. Nowadays a lot of business owners can manage business issues remotely; from home on their laptop, or via cell or blackberry. As well, you have no idea how many employees this company has and how much "after hours" work is even required.

 

And please be sure to clarify your response............to "YOU" her fiance is quite right and his behavior "TO YOU" is normal -- this is merely your opinion so why come across like you're speaking as an authoritative expert on the subject, and that you're speaking for all men?

[dnm]

Ella,

 

Instead of "assuming" that the original poster and her business partner are required to "be together at all hours virtually", why don't you ask the original poster if this is the case. You're making a huge assumption that it is, and I'm not sure why. Nowadays a lot of business owners can manage business issues remotely; from home on their laptop, or via cell or blackberry. As well, you have no idea how many employees this company has and how much "after hours" work is even required.

uhh, have to admit she's right,we spend a very large amount of time together,our business has been doing really well so we get more and more work to do, and work after hours too.