Frankasy Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Um maybe he doesn't like discussing porn with you that's why he prefers to remain silent and keep porn in his computer instead of watching it with you. Ever thought of that? Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 The beauty of porn for him is that it takes no work to get a woman excited and willing. Even though she shows no willingness for HIM, he can still build his fantasy. While it won't help to have him get rid of it completely, your relationship will never work if he loves it more than you. There is also the strong possibility that he views you as a step above "sex." In other words, porn has shown him that sex and "dirty" women are the way things should be. Sex combined with love is completely foreign to him once he is in a relationship. The biggest difference between porn sex and real committed and loving sex is....real sex takes love and hard work to obtain. Real sex is for the expression of love to another person, and it is not about only fulfillment for one's self. Porn sex is the opposite in every way. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Um maybe he doesn't like discussing porn with you that's why he prefers to remain silent and keep porn in his computer instead of watching it with you. Ever thought of that? In a real committed relationship when porn is the mistress and is ranked above the GF or wife, then the man needs to step back and decide which is more important. So far the BF is going with his addiction to pretend sex over the commitment or real and loving sex. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 so I taked to him abouti AGAIN, yes, I am THAT stupid. it all started when i found him hiding his pot again. I was so sad and angry, always hiding everything. So I told him he had promised he wouldn't be hiding his pot from me, of course he denied using it so I had to show hi the evidence. So then I satrted going on and on how he always lies and hides things from me, what kind of relationship is this, etc. you lie to me, you hide things from me, you don't touch me. and his like oh here we go again... but i just can't believe he just won't acept there's something wrong and just keep making me feel like ****. he has accepted to go to therapy, but whatever my last try was yesterday and he still won't appologize or show some compromise. So I started asking why are they better than me (his porn chicks)? I can do what they do and much more... why do you prefer them over me? why would you rather look at a screen instead of me? and all he could say was, it's different why? it's the same, I like you both... but you look at them everyday and you don't look at me ever, so after a long time of that crap he just said, well beacuse I don't have sex with them, I just like to look at them and I don't have to do anything with them. so i think he has fear of real women, of not being able to measure up. I don't know, it's been horrible. All the love i had for him is now pitty and disgust. His mommy is always giving him money, buying him clothes, the new grill for his car... he's 35 for crying out loud! gorw a pair! be a man! sorry I needed to vent a bit... It sounds like you're really getting frustrated. I think you have a legitimate concern, but this is where communication comes into play. I think you've made your points and I think counseling is the way to go. Maybe he just doesn't quite accept yet that he has a problem. I think one of the good things that a counselor can do is to be a third party and to point out things to him objectively. If the criticism comes from you, then it's just you "nagging" him again. But if it comes from an outside source, he has to take a good look in the mirror. I think you should keep him around if he agrees to counseling, but if he doesn't, then I think you have a big decision on your hands. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Frankasy Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 In a real committed relationship when porn is the mistress and is ranked above the GF or wife, then the man needs to step back and decide which is more important. So far the BF is going with his addiction to pretend sex over the commitment or real and loving sex. Yeah I just read that now. I made the post by only reading the first post, I didn't know that the situation had gotten so far that polola303 is thinking of leaving him. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 The beauty of porn for him is that it takes no work to get a woman excited and willing. Even though she shows no willingness for HIM, he can still build his fantasy. While it won't help to have him get rid of it completely, your relationship will never work if he loves it more than you. There is also the strong possibility that he views you as a step above "sex." In other words, porn has shown him that sex and "dirty" women are the way things should be. Sex combined with love is completely foreign to him once he is in a relationship. The biggest difference between porn sex and real committed and loving sex is....real sex takes love and hard work to obtain. Real sex is for the expression of love to another person, and it is not about only fulfillment for one's self. Porn sex is the opposite in every way. Good luck. Excellent post, bud. Link to post Share on other sites
Author polola303 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 well he doesn't have to work to get me excited and willing either! hahaha and that's the truth. why doesn't he want me to do the things he watches on his vides? I'm his girfriend, that's what he said. besides what he likes to watch is young girls strippinand then plying with themselves, I can do that easy, I've done it but it makes him uncomfortable... so figure that one out! Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Excellent post, bud. Thank you. well he doesn't have to work to get me excited and willing either! hahaha and that's the truth. why doesn't he want me to do the things he watches on his videos? I'm his girlfriend, that's what he said. besides what he likes to watch is young girls stripping and then playing with themselves, I can do that easy, I've done it but it makes him uncomfortable... so figure that one out! And there in lies the problem IMO. He cannot visualize his GF being a porn star. This is why porn has become his mistress and a real woman can never compete. Those young girls will never grow up. They will always remain young and soft and nubile. And when they do grow up, they will be replaced by new and exciting girls. In fact, my guess is that he replaces most of them quite often. He keeps his favorites around for fun, but the excitement soon wears off. Unfortunately, you can never compete and no woman will. Until he gets counseling for his addiction, he will never have a normal relationship with a woman. The question is...do you love him enough to wait while or until he gets counseling? Do YOU think he will ever change. Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Your boyfriend sounds very sexually immature. I'm a girl and watch porn all the time but i'm sure my boyfriend wouldn't like it if I was too busy watching porn to ever be with him sexually. You should WANT sex with your partner and as people say, if you are presented with a partner to have sex with, surely you should want that OVER porn? Unless you are either insecure, lazy, depressed etc. If he expects you to just sit around frustrated whilst he gets himself off to ladies on the computor...AND you've brought it up AND he lies AND he denies it...then you can't resolve the issue. YOU are trying, he isn't. I wouldn't bother with him - especially if this is just ONE of the problems. He probably has that age old idea that a woman is either a whore or an angel...but she can't be anywhere in between. I.e.there are some women you love and respect and treat well i.e. mummy and little sister and the wife and grandma and others that you can treat badly and view sexually. Some men can't see a balance. They can't achknowledge that no woman is all whore or no angel, just as no man is all hero or all pimp lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author polola303 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 The question is...do you love him enough to wait while or until he gets counseling? Do YOU think he will ever change. I do love him enough and I would sooo wait until he got better, but the truth is I don't think he will ever get better, he won't admit there is a problem I have offered my support and my love, but he doesn't get it, he just doesn't get it. He has lied and mocked me since day one... if he knows there's something odd he should have cut me loose since the beginning not ask me to move in with him. Again, he has accpeted to go back to therapy, he will go once I come back, he doesn't want to bother and go while i'm not here I gess he's going to be to busy getting high and watching porn. so basically if he doen't even make the effort to go pic me up at the airport then i will go straight to my mom's, if ever he does show up then i'll stick around a bit and see what happens. but i know he won't show up, so tadya i want to be with him and cuddle and hugh him cause it might be our list time together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author polola303 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 My problem is not only the lack of sex but the secrecy, why hide the fact that he loves porn, cause he always says he hates it even to other guys, and the weed, hiding all the time. why can't he just be honnest? and also, what's the difference between them and me? why does he prefer those girls over me? WHY? I mean he lickes watching them strip and play with themselves I would be more thatn happy to do that and more! I've told him that, I've told him about my fantazies, I don't judge his love for porn, I judge the lying and the secrets and him ignoring me. Why are they better than me' Why can't he just tell me? At first we did have sex, not the best and not that much but at least 3 times a week, and he kept saying we needed to practice more, it was a bit odd. But then he just quit on me, and all I want to know is why, why lie to me? why them over me? I'm going through periods of beng so sad, and then soo angry, and then so relieved. I mean why can't he see I'm there for him and with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author polola303 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 just one more comment after my questioning of why them? he just said: because iI don't have to have sex with them! I'm not that bad, really, I promise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author polola303 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 me again! hahaha thank you all for your support and your comments. Well I'm leaving today, he's worried I won't come back. Wehad a great time last night and this morning, yes we had sex. It's very strange I've noticed whenever he gets hard he'll move away from me, like he doesn't want me to know, once he gets soft again he'll pull me closer. I think he's ashamed of sex or something, but last night it was awesome, very loving and sweet and passionate, this morning it was good. But what I' trying to say is that I think he's ashamed of sex, once I asked him tot alk dirty to me but he said he didn't like that because he sees me as a delicate flower and wouldn't want to do anything bad to me. Funny thing he hurts me more by ignoring me. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I really think he needs IC if he is to change. It is not about you at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author polola303 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 I really think he needs IC if he is to change. It is not about you at all. what is IC? Sorry but I am completely illeterate when it comes to those kinds of things like IC, SO, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 what is IC? Sorry but I am completely illeterate when it comes to those kinds of things like IC, SO, etc. SO is significant other. IC is individual counseling. Here is a link that gives all of the abbreviations used here...or at least most of them. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/faq.php?faq=messages#faq_acronyms Link to post Share on other sites
Author polola303 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 haha! excellent! got it! he has indeed agreed to go, now it all comes down to one really stupid thing, if he goes pick me up at the airport or not. it sounds stupid but if everything is sooo terrible the least he can d is make the tiny effort and go pick me up, he has already said he won't, that i can take a cab, but hopefully he will move his lazy ass and pick me up. if not i'm going straight to my mom's. but to be honnest i know he won't go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author polola303 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Share Posted January 19, 2009 so he did pick me up at the airport... we had a great weekend together with lots of sex and hugs and kisses and everything was soo nice. I think he really missed me a lot. Everything was going pretty good until last night wen again i was trying to kiss me and he said : not now... later. that pissed me off. I checked his computer and he did watch some porn, of course i did not check his work computer which was in the trunk, there is no reason for thim to take his work computer home... of course besides the porn, it's faster thatn the computer at home. i shouldn't really care since i wasn't there and i did get some good by and welcome home sex. But i do care now that things will get back to normal. he has agreed to go to counseling, I'll stick around a bit longer but i'm not sure if it's wirht the effort to alays be feeling in doubt and insecure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author polola303 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 ok, so i did a little strip tease again, again he didn't let me finnish all ready to go and during the middle of intercourse he lost his erection. this is not the first time it happens. could it have some relation with the porn? anybody? Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Yes. Most men would not lose their erection if their gf did a strip tease. In his case, I am guessing he needs to see people having sex. It is a type of voyeurism. I think he needs help to overcome this. You need to realize that it is not you. And you need to decide if he will ever change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author polola303 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 But if that were the case then he would let me finish my show and not interrupt right? If he just likes watching he would watch, I'd love it if he did! So I was wondering if he prefers porn because he doesn't let them down, it's just easier to shut down the computer if you lose your erction than it is to face your grilfriend. I don't know... we are starting councelling this week, separately, but hopefully I'll see some changes, some positive changes. Link to post Share on other sites
electric_sheep Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Sorry for the mess your in. As a last ditch effort you may try convincing him you are willing to talk in a non-judgemental and non-confrontational manner. Sometimes people are unwilling to open up out of a fear of being judged or shamed. Honestly though, from reading your posts, you don't sound judgemental or confrontational at all. You sound very level headed, in fact. If he won't at least talk and be honest, there sadly isn't a lot you can do. Sounds like the only way forward may be to get out. On the off chance you live in the DC/VA area you should send me a PM, we can go out and have a beer (or coffee). Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author polola303 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 On the off chance you live in the DC/VA area you should send me a PM, we can go out and have a beer (or coffee). Good luck. Would love to but I live in Mexico City! But if ever I'm in the area we definately should! hahaha. We're giving councelling a try and I'll see how things turn out, he won't talk to me that's for sure, he is very much ashamed of who he is, that's why he keeps his pot use and porn a secret, it really wouldn't be a big deal if he just accepted who he is and what he likes, but all the secrets and the lies just make me feel sooo bad for him, I know what it feels like to be so ashamed of what you do and what you are and you have to hide it, which makes you feel worse which makes you do it again, I had a problem with over eating, I would hide and not let anyone know what and how I was eating, and it's soo stupid it's just food! or in his case pot and porn neither of those things are the end of the world, but he's so ashamed of himself it's just making it worse. I've tried to let him know I know what it feels like but still he won't open up. Hopefully therapy will help him accept and love himself and help me make the desition of leaving him or sticking by his side. Link to post Share on other sites
clv0116 Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 He's probably been conditioned to think sex is naughty and while he probably really does love you he is having trouble 'using you' as a sex object without soiling you somehow. I had a GF like this once and it's a tough thing to get past. If you ever see the movie "Analyze This" there is a sequence where one character admits to having a mistress who gives great blowjobs. When the question is asked why not just have his wife do that the very angry answer is "that's the same mouth she kisses our children with". Link to post Share on other sites
Author polola303 Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 Me again... sorry for my superlong post. I was snooping through his home computer again today, actually I was coming to terms with his porn... I was really starting to see it as a normal thing even if he has sooo many videos, but when I was snooping through his internet links he has a link to an escort service, he has it in a file called sony and he has some stuff from sony and VAIO and that link, it is still in his explorer even though now he uses firefox, he doesn't have that link in firefox, is there ANY remote possibility he didn't put it there and it just got saved/downloaded or whatever with some other stuff? I'm not freaking out, I'll ask him calmly when he gets home, but in all honesty THAT is really too much. If he has or uses escorts/prostitutes that really is not right at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts