Meet 4 Coffee Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 Honestly as an attractive, single woman who is dating someone, I can't even imagine that I would ever be in this situation. Do you have no willpower or morals? I really don't get it. If some married guy was "chasing after me" for 2 years....he wouldn't be chasing after me for that long because I would let him know the first time this wouldn't be happening and I would let him know to leave me the hell alone! That's what decent people do! They don't take that crap from married men who come on to them! I personally think it is really gross to even consider a relationship with a married man and it shows that you completely lack character! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sandy223 Posted December 23, 2008 Author Share Posted December 23, 2008 sorry meet 4 coffee ... but, I am not perfect. that is why i am so torn by this ... don't know how i got here ... to this point in my life where I would even consider this... but, the bottom line is this: GEG is correct, and so are you (well, not the part about calling me gross) ... it is x-mas ... i have a whole long post about that too .. he just started (STARTED) getting comfortable .... hasn't gotten me anything for the holiday, and just assumes we are going to pick up where we left off when he gets back... this is my out ... because GEG is right ... even in this horrible situation, I still have some self esteem ... I will simply tell him "you did not show me any consideration during x-mas, and I did not appreciate it" ... period. No anger, no resentment.... fact is, we were doing this to explore ... and I, in the context of this dysfunctional situation, have held my head high the whole time ... never accepted less ... didn't rant and rave, just didn't put up with it ... now that he has gotten comfortable, the only difference is, I have gotten closer (opened my heart more) ... ... as a result, the lack of consideration for x-mas, although something I clearly have to put my foot down about, was/is harder for me to do ... which only tells me one thing: I still need to put my foot down, and keep putting it down ... and, the more I stay involved, the harder it will be for me to do as my heart becomes more open ... clearly, the only way to do it now is to walk ... with eloquent detachment ... he initially wanted to make a pact of no gifts this year .. I did not accept the pact ... ... there was a possibility I would see him yesterday, but that never materialized ... nor did any communication as to weather or not he actually could or couldn't .... I have been on pins and needles wondering if he would come through for x-mas ... I am not talking about extravagant gifts... last year, we weren't even speaking, and he wrote me a poem and sent me a book ... ... clearly, he thinks he completely has me now ... so why even bothering making an inconvenient effort for x-mas? If only a slight one? I am clearly hurt .. the way I am going on here ... but, ranting and raving ... a big speech to him ... telling him everything I really feel is going to make me look like nothing more than an a$$.... I still have to maintain whatever dignity I have and gently put my foot down in words ... e.g, by just telling him I didn't appreciate the lack of consideration ... and FIRMLY put my foot down in action ... by not picking up where we left off ... rather, turning over a new leaf and walking away ... if he is so happy with his wife, let him stay there and figure things out on his own .... ... I don't want to let this escalate to the point where I become so resentful that I cannot control my anger by either outwardly expressing it to him or internallizing it anymore to the pont where I feel sick ... I HAVE to walk now ... he has given me no option whatsoever ... ... if I let him get away with showing me no consideration for x-mas ... and, frankly, it is a warm, romantic holiday - and he should have been naturally inclined to want to get me something expressing his feelings - if even a little thing ... it should have been natural .. .but, it was not... so, there ... I have my answer... actions speak louder than words.... ... and, there is no excuse in the world for not aknowledging the holiday with/for someone you love ... forget about all of his constraints, and the inconvenience to him ... that was his problem to figure out ... and he did not ... guess it wasn't that important to him ... guess he thinks it won't matter ... he will just come back as if ... ... well ... he cannot ... if I let him, it will be a license for him to walk all over me ... at that point I will have zero self esteem and a harder way out. That is a no win situation for me. He already has a wife ... let him figure that relationship out ... or let him get another mistress ... one that he can just do as he pleases with ... sure, this whole thing hurts A LOT ... but ... I have booked my little spa trip ... made plans with some good friends, and will use this time to heal and get stronger in moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 I know this is hard for you, Sandy, but I must say I'm so happy that you're still strong enough to see that you deserve so much better than what you're getting from this MM! You are correct - the longer you stay mired in this relationship, the more your heart will make it harder to leave, and the less self-esteem you will have which will also make it harder for you to leave. I'm glad you don't want to waste your precious time wishing and hoping for MM to make you a priority. I know your breaking point right now is him not getting you even a token gift for christmas, but keep in mind, gifts are the easy way out...he can buy a book or send you flowers easily enough, but you will still be the OW on the outside looking in on his married life. The gift you want is for him to leave his wife, but maybe you are seeing that really wouldn't be a gift at all, but a curse, for then you might be stuck with him... Enjoy your spa days, and come back stronger and ready to walk away from this guy and toward a future with someone who has eyes only for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sandy223 Posted December 23, 2008 Author Share Posted December 23, 2008 I know this is hard for you, Sandy, but I must say I'm so happy that you're still strong enough to see that you deserve so much better than what you're getting from this MM! You are correct - the longer you stay mired in this relationship, the more your heart will make it harder to leave, and the less self-esteem you will have which will also make it harder for you to leave. I'm glad you don't want to waste your precious time wishing and hoping for MM to make you a priority. I know your breaking point right now is him not getting you even a token gift for christmas, but keep in mind, gifts are the easy way out...he can buy a book or send you flowers easily enough, but you will still be the OW on the outside looking in on his married life. The gift you want is for him to leave his wife, but maybe you are seeing that really wouldn't be a gift at all, but a curse, for then you might be stuck with him... Enjoy your spa days, and come back stronger and ready to walk away from this guy and toward a future with someone who has eyes only for you. Thank you NoraJane!!! The gift was a breaking point!! I prayed to God over and over again ... every night ... went to church, talked to a minister ... posted here .. for the strength, courage and opportunity to see things CLEARLY! I know that I want a beautiful relationship AND a Husband! I never wanted to be the mistress, and never acted in a subservient way (which is why he probably chased me the way he did). The lack of an x-mas gift from him was a gift from God ... you are correct; a little flower arrangement, book, chocolates (which would have been easy to get and send) would have still kept me in this holding pattern... the gift of NO GIFT was all I needed to see that this is CLEARLY NOT what I want. And, the fact that I was so distraught over what to do about the gift situation was a sign to me of how vulnerable I am to him ... and a sign that I had already opened my heart up too much (how much is too much? we can tell we give too much when we feel resentful ... there is a debit balance in our emotional checking account - that's what it means) ... Normally ... if my heart weren't this open ... if my heart were as it were before this started ... the lack of a present from him would have been a no brainer ... dissed and dismissed ... but the fact that I was so torn over the christmas thing? can only mean one thing: I have already given this person FAR more than he deserves, and enough is enough!!!!! Thanks again for your support ... I am not some freaking doormat! So, she can have him ... and he doesn't have to worry about me getting mad, upset, cursing him out ... revealing my feelings ... having this LONG painful discussion .. I am simply out of here ... and hopefully ... I will shortly not even remember his name!!! Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 Honestly as an attractive, single woman who is dating someone, I can't even imagine that I would ever be in this situation. Do you have no willpower or morals? I really don't get it. If some married guy was "chasing after me" for 2 years....he wouldn't be chasing after me for that long because I would let him know the first time this wouldn't be happening and I would let him know to leave me the hell alone! That's what decent people do! They don't take that crap from married men who come on to them! I personally think it is really gross to even consider a relationship with a married man and it shows that you completely lack character! I cringe to think that I could have written that post five years ago. Ever heard of not criticising until you've walked a mile in someone's shoes? I know, I know, you'd never wear them . There's just no answer to this, is there? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sandy223 Posted December 23, 2008 Author Share Posted December 23, 2008 Thanks Frannie! Some people are so self righteous is makes me sick to my stomach!!! And, this is what is going on right now in the world ... especially in the financial services industry ... ... Soooo many, high and mighty self righteous pri#ks who thought they were the model person ... and better than everyone are getting their a$$es$ handed to them as we speak .... so, her comments don't bother me all ... what is she doing on these boards anyway if her situation is so perfect??? I don't understand why someone like that would even grace us with her presence ... this is a support form for the OW/OM, afterall ... Link to post Share on other sites
SupportGroupie Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 Hi Sandy I see and feel that you are not manipulative and just trying to mess with someone. It seems like a lot of us you just caught in a bad situation (i mean you chose it, like I did) but that you did not intend for it, with malice and disregard for everyone on purpose. Believe me, I have stories to fill the room about how I never intended mine either. I was caught off guard cause my MM was separated when we met, and i had no idea he went back to his wife at first, then i was deep in it, and it was hard to pull back..tho i did often. Just so you know, being the OW sux ass. I always praid to forget about him and prayed for he and his family and wanted him to make a choice for him, not me. I never forced it or asked for anything, quite the opposite. I was putting his needs first always always always. And it was a horrible situation. I never got a single card from this man, a single anything from him other than dirty talk on the phone with always made me feel horrible. He claimed he has a mainly platonic relationship with his wife..just there for kids..and i think thats BS. So all I saying is that the OW often gets the best of someone and the worst. I dont trust men who cheat on their wives...so why would i want this guy for my own. I cared way more about his wife and her feelings and his betrayel than he did or seemed to. You never know someone and the passion and smoke and excitement at first often turns to HORRIBLE things, hurt, regrets....insecurity..and who wants to be the OW really..? I mean its exciting to have something exciting but its never okay or alright to have someone elses man. I never felt ok with that and begged my MM to not speak sexually or loving to me, rather keep it friendly at best until he makes a decision. I have been used and lied to and it SUX... I pray you dont get too far in . You sound like your faith and morals are strong, stick with that and walk away before you get too hurt. Its so hard..i know I am tryinmg to do the very same thing, walk away... happy holidays Sup Grp Link to post Share on other sites
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