Author skinman Posted December 14, 2008 Author Posted December 14, 2008 Nothing happens overnight. Your STBXW is dealing with her feelings and life badly. So be it. It's out of your control. Your days of being her White Knight and riding to the rescue are over. You know LD, I still fight the urge to want to be there for her.. even after all that she has done I still have a heart and hate to see her struggle with anything.... Hopefully that will pass in time and I can move on and not look back at what she has done.... I have forgiven her.... forgotten NO !! but I have forgiven...
Author skinman Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 Well I just got off the phone with my STBXW.... yep thats right STBXW... its funny I havent used that term much but I do believe now it will be used frequently.... We had a nice long talk and i heard over and over again how its all my fault that she turned cold and gave up on our marriage.... for the first time she did admit that it takes two to end a relationship but she still blames me.......Its sad ... I still love my wife but she said her loved faded a while back... I asked her why she never spoke to me about it and let me know things were that bad... she said she tried but her subtle hints were ignored... I told her I still held out a little hope that she could love me again but that I have accepted the fact that it was over.. she said there was no hope that her feelings for me were dead.. If I had heard this all last week I think it would have crushed me but in the last few days I have been more accepting that indeed it is over... It still hurts knowing that we could have done better but its to late for that now.. she did tell me that she was not moving because she knew I would put up a fight and she didnt want my daughters to go trough a nasty battle.... So when we sell the house she will most likely move out of our town but still be in the state which is good....so nows the time to try and really move forward I think I have cleared a small hurdle in accepting that its over.... I guess that last glimmer of hope will most likely fade by Christmas along with my love for my Wife.....
pelicanpreacher Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Subtle hints? Subtle hints? Why does everything have to be a mind game to certain people. GOD went through all that effort to give her a mouth and gift her with language yet the best she could do with all her blessings was offer subtle hints? On that note run so fast in the opposite direction that the soles of your shoes catch fire for GOD rarely blesses many with the gift of "Kreskin" and if that be the price for reconcilliation then the price is way too high!
n9688m Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 I asked her why she never spoke to me about it and let me know things were that bad... she said she tried but her subtle hints were ignored... .... Her family is at stake and the hints are "subtle"? Nonsense. I'd bet money you will eventually find out there is an OM. Maybe that's why she is not moving out of state any more.
Author skinman Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 Her family is at stake and the hints are "subtle"? Nonsense. I'd bet money you will eventually find out there is an OM. Maybe that's why she is not moving out of state any more. maybe so... but what does it really matter now... my marriage is over and its time I accepeted that.......Yes it hurts but in the end once the fog clears I know its probably for the best...at least my daughter will still be around and thats all that matters.......I can honestly say I tried to save it but what else can i do... she is fighting every attempt I make at seeing her , talking with her and everything but seeing my girls..,, I can walk away with my head high knowing that I didnt give up and when my girls are old enough they will know to that i didnt quit on them and our family... I will most likely look back on this and one day want to thank for her having the guts to put "down" this dog of our marriage... I am sad now but that will fade... I appreciate your comments n9688m but at this point I dont care if she has someone else... thats out of my hands friend..
Author skinman Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 Subtle hints? Subtle hints? Why does everything have to be a mind game to certain people. GOD went through all that effort to give her a mouth and gift her with language yet the best she could do with all her blessings was offer subtle hints? On that note run so fast in the opposite direction that the soles of your shoes catch fire for GOD rarely blesses many with the gift of "Kreskin" and if that be the price for reconcilliation then the price is way too high! Thanks PP, not sure what KRESKIN is but i would assume i should avoid it... Its sad the way things have ended.... i would have jumped in front of a car for this woman and this is how she does me.... she even said she hoped that I find happiness that maybe some women would walk into my life and make everything allright...I told her I wasnt taking the chance on losing half my stuff again... who would have known that maybe she has already replaced me....... Damn...this sucks...
pelicanpreacher Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Kreskin is a famous mentalist. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kreskin
Author skinman Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 Kreskin is a famous mentalist. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kreskin Well i know the name Kreskin now.. i forgot about that dude........ you have followed my thread PP... what should I do buddy... I still love my wife but its apparent she could care less about what we had..... I was feeling so strong earlier that i knew I was getting over her and then this... I dont know what to do.....
LakesideDream Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Well i know the name Kreskin now.. i forgot about that dude........ you have followed my thread PP... what should I do buddy... I still love my wife but its apparent she could care less about what we had..... I was feeling so strong earlier that i knew I was getting over her and then this... I dont know what to do..... You will be strong again Skindude. Stay as close as you can to your kids from both marriages. And.... Don't do this again ! As you say, you are 44 years old. Now you know better. Twice bitten, bring no more children into the world my friend. I have a hundred stories I could tell you about finding myself 51 years old, 25 year marriage oblitherated, trying to find a minute or two of happiness here and there. Trying to stay sane. Trying to banish the insanity when I tried to sleep at night. I eventually did it. You willl to.
Author skinman Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 You will be strong again Skindude. Stay as close as you can to your kids from both marriages. And.... Don't do this again ! As you say, you are 44 years old. Now you know better. Twice bitten, bring no more children into the world my friend. I have a hundred stories I could tell you about finding myself 51 years old, 25 year marriage oblitherated, trying to find a minute or two of happiness here and there. Trying to stay sane. Trying to banish the insanity when I tried to sleep at night. I eventually did it. You willl to. Thanks LD,,, I was hoping you would offer sone advice... Since i spoke with her things seemed to fall apart I was strong but now i find myself hitting the bottle more than ever..... I told my wife tonight that i would never put myself in a position to lose half my stuff agian........... how do i get her off my mind friend ??? when i thought i was doing good this happens... Thanks again LD... Best wishes my friend...
Gunny376 Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 I've been divorced eighteen years and when I ask the X why, alll I get is THAT I had to chnage and that I was a "work-aoholic" Never got the laundry list as to what I had to change. She's a "Couger" and that's her own insecurties about getting older. Now that I'm the otherside of the Marines, its noting but "gravey" ~ PURE GRAVEY! The "nut" I've got to crack each week? I've got down to crack is $70 a week ~ NO BRAGG ~ JUST FACT. Its Brag, but fact! I begged, I pleaded "Baby just give it, US four more damn years, and we'll be the otherside of this! I had already did the hard part my first four years in the Marines. IT'S NOT YOU! ITS HER!
Author skinman Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 I begged, I pleaded "Baby just give it, US four more damn years, and we'll be the otherside of this! I had already did the hard part my first four years in the Marines. IT'S NOT YOU! ITS HER! Thanks Gunny... I know its not me but that doesn't make it any easier... I am sure one day when my feelings for have died that I will look back and realize that she wasn't all that I made her out to be...... Thats the day that I am waiting for my friend !!! may it come sooner than later...........
hopefulInFuture Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 I think she does not know what she wants and the fact that you're not sticking around just waiting for her to call you and that fact that you are not obsessive about her is making her feel insecure. I guess she thought that she could be doing what she wants while her hubby is hurting and begging her to come back. I think you're doing the right thing by not succumbing to this hurtful situation and by being strong. You're doing good to yourself and to her as well because only this way she will be able to understand what she really wants. One day she will mature, but I hope that on that day you are just gonna be too happy with your life
pelicanpreacher Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Remember what we talked about Skin. You have 2 daughters and a step daughter who not only love but adore you! Your remaining days and energy shall be focused on ensuring that when its time to spread their wings they look to you, not her, for guidance. Your stbx, in her thoughtless grab for power, will find in the end that she has lost all the love that she thought she had claim to. Brace yourself for, down the road, she'll have yet another thing to blame on Skin!!!
Author skinman Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 I think she does not know what she wants and the fact that you're not sticking around just waiting for her to call you and that fact that you are not obsessive about her is making her feel insecure. I guess she thought that she could be doing what she wants while her hubby is hurting and begging her to come back. I think you're doing the right thing by not succumbing to this hurtful situation and by being strong. You're doing good to yourself and to her as well because only this way she will be able to understand what she really wants. One day she will mature, but I hope that on that day you are just gonna be too happy with your life Thanks...I am trying my best to be strong.. there are days that I am stronger than others... I do still love my wife and I told her so last night... I also told her that i had accepted the fact that our marriage was over and that I couldn't make her love me or even want me.... So I will hold out hope for a while as I move forward with my life... As you say if she decides that she did indeed make a mistake, hopefully I will be able to say to her.......... Yes you did !!!
Author skinman Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 Remember what we talked about Skin. You have 2 daughters and a step daughter who not only love but adore you! Your remaining days and energy shall be focused on ensuring that when its time to spread their wings they look to you, not her, for guidance. Your stbx, in her thoughtless grab for power, will find in the end that she has lost all the love that she thought she had claim to. Brace yourself for, down the road, she'll have yet another thing to blame on Skin!!! Thanks PP, I have been trying so hard to let the girls know that I am there for them and always will be... they know that I do indeed love them and all of this has brought me and my oldest daughter from a previous marriage so much closer than we had been... If there is a silver lining in all of this that would be it... Even my stepdaughter who's own father has abandoned her I have tried to show her that I will never do what he did... For 15 years I raised her and hopefully she will still see the love that I have for her...
Author skinman Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 Well another chapter in my story... I just received this email from my wife. sounds to me like she still cares but is trying to ween herself off me....... or she really hates the ground i walk on and could care less about anything to do with me........ dang... i guess I have no choice but to move on.... sad thing is I still love her.... this is how I feel. right now I need to be away from you and I cannot be your friend. I can be nice and civil for the kids sake, but I cannot be anything other than who I am and I cannot be with you for who you are no matter what
sumdude Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Well another chapter in my story... I just received this email from my wife. sounds to me like she still cares but is trying to ween herself off me....... or she really hates the ground i walk on and could care less about anything to do with me........ dang... i guess I have no choice but to move on.... sad thing is I still love her.... this is how I feel. right now I need to be away from you and I cannot be your friend. I can be nice and civil for the kids sake, but I cannot be anything other than who I am and I cannot be with you for who you are no matter what Well my friend, trying to figure out how she feels about you is a moot point. Basically she's instituting the minimal contact rule to start the healing for herself, finish breaking away from the marriage and start in a new direction. Sorry to say but this one's done.. and you should follow suit. Only speak to her involving the kids and other official business. Be cordial, polite and as patient as possible. But do not roll over like a lap dog either. Speak with the lawyers you will need to deal with. I think gunny gave me this advice.. She is no longer your wife. She is not your friend. She is not your enemy either. She is now your adversary. Sadly it is now time to play chess with legal and financial matters. No guns blazing, or flashing swords... just a long game of chess.
Author skinman Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 Well my friend, trying to figure out how she feels about you is a moot point. Basically she's instituting the minimal contact rule to start the healing for herself, finish breaking away from the marriage and start in a new direction. Sorry to say but this one's done.. and you should follow suit. Only speak to her involving the kids and other official business. Be cordial, polite and as patient as possible. But do not roll over like a lap dog either. Speak with the lawyers you will need to deal with. I think gunny gave me this advice.. She is no longer your wife. She is not your friend. She is not your enemy either. She is now your adversary. Sadly it is now time to play chess with legal and financial matters. No guns blazing, or flashing swords... just a long game of chess. guess your right Sumdude... theres no reading between the lines on this one is there.... I have an appointment tomorrow with an attorney to look into my options i will have to see how that goes... Dang and to think I thought there might still be a chance. for us... well now time for the fun part........ guess its time to get moving on with my life........
pelicanpreacher Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 There is no subtlety to that email nor room for misinterpretation. Sumdude's post sums up exactly the position you are in so you would do well to begin killing all feelings for her as she has surely done to you! Remember your girls, remember your life, remember the Alamo! I remember a movie called "Jacob's Ladder". There's a point in that movie that describes how to let go! I'd like for you to rent that movie and come back and tell me if you recognize the scene that I speak of.
Author skinman Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 There is no subtlety to that email nor room for misinterpretation. Sumdude's post sums up exactly the position you are in so you would do well to begin killing all feelings for her as she has surely done to you! Remember your girls, remember your life, remember the Alamo! I remember a movie called "Jacob's Ladder". There's a point in that movie that describes how to let go! I'd like for you to rent that movie and come back and tell me if you recognize the scene that I speak of. what kind of movie ? is that an action or horror ?... no I guess your right she has made up her mind... thanks... PP I know it will be easier now knowing where i stand.......... on the outside !!!
pelicanpreacher Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Jacob's Ladder is a Viertnam style horror movie. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099871/ It's an interesting watch but the message I want delivered is embedded within the movie so please rent it, pop some corn, watch for the part I speak of, and report back!
Navin_R_Johnson Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Dang and to think I thought there might still be a chance. for us... Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.
Sands_of_time Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Skin- I stumbled upon your thread today and want you to know that you are not alone in what you are experiencing. My wife left on November 1st so we are on a very similar timeline. Our stories are almost identical. It was "out of the blue" for me as well and is quite devastating. I am experiencing everything you have described--almost to a T. I too am/was searching for answers and my mind has not stopped trying to come up with a solution to "the problem." I have not slept a full night (usually up around 1 A.M. and fall back asleep around 4ish) in 40+ nights. I know the pain you are feeling and it is deep. You are getting some excellent advice from the other posters. If you can surround yourself with others who care about you (if not, call them on the phone--but make contact, reach out somehow like you are with this thread) it helps. Even for 10 minutes while you vent, you just survived another 10 minutes. We CANNOT change how someone else feels--no matter how hard we try. I know you love her and would do anything for her, as would I for my wife, but this ride we are on is going to last a while--and there are going to be high peaks and low valleys that we'll experience along the way. Sit back, strap yourself in and hang on. Try to accept that today you may be strong as an ox and tomorrow you might be a wimpering idiot. Yesterday I was the wimpering idiot talking to my dog and asking him why she is doing this. This blog may give you some solace. http://you-can-save-your-marriage.blogspot.com/ I'm not advocating that you try to win her back at this point but what I hope you take away from it is that no amount of texting, pleading, telling her that you love her will do the trick (which you may have already figured out). Focus on you--I know--it's very hard to do, stay strong and be confident in yourself. Keep up your appearance, continue to do push-ups and know that eventually we will control this ride we are on. Tomorrow? No. Next month? Probably not. Take each minute as it comes and identify a few things around you that are positive (you can walk, you can talk, you can wrap presents, you have a roof over your head--even though it might be in a basement you are warm at night) even if that positive feeling doesn't last more than a minute. Hang in there and keep posting....
Author skinman Posted December 16, 2008 Author Posted December 16, 2008 Sometimes goodbye is a second chance. Well are you refering to a second chance for me and her ? or ME ???
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