Marriage "Boundaries"...is there such a thing?

[OWoman]

How about in families where only one spouse works? Having separate accounts when one partner leaves the working world to tend the children just doesn't work. Unless you'd suggest that the at-home partner receive an 'allowance', a stipend placed into his/her account--and judging by the tension over money in my bff's marriage where this happens, I'd say that option doesn't work, either.

 

Or what if one spouse is laid off?

 

If it's by MUTUAL agreement that one spouse leaves the working world to raise the children, some other plan would need to be made - same as if someone got laid off, due to factors beyond their control (ie not getting fired due to their own misconduct or negligence). But if one party simply decided they felt like staying home to parent, rather than it being a mutual decision, then that party must take the consequences of their actions, ie, the loss of their income and the loss of discretionary spend that goes with that.

 

And this is not directed at you, owoman, but more of a general observation: I think that people who have the belief that they should remain in total control of who their friends are, how they spend their money, and all other manner of 'personal decisions' should just do other people a favor and stay single, unless they find that certain someone who wants to be a 'married single' too.

 

Lucky there are lots of those "certain someones" out there - I've never been with anyone who felt any different, nor have I ever had friends who disagreed with that notion. (And where the friends have had partners who felt differently, the friends have been pretty quick to dump those super-controlling partners before it got totally out of hand!)

[lonelyandfrustrated]

When do we consider boundary changes more than just a personal desire change with nothing more behind it?

 

For me, any kind of personal boundary change within a marriage has to be re-negotiated between the spouses. Any kind of newly enforced boundary without the agreement of the other spouse is, to me, suspect.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Lucky there are lots of those "certain someones" out there - I've never been with anyone who felt any different, nor have I ever had friends who disagreed with that notion. (And where the friends have had partners who felt differently, the friends have been pretty quick to dump those super-controlling partners before it got totally out of hand!)

 

I don't know your background. Are you talking about married partners, or dating/shacked-up partners? I have very different expectations of my husband than I did with other men I've lived with. As in, with the men I've lived with, I merely expected for them to let me know if they were not going to be home. With my husband, not only should he let me know if he will not be home, but he also needs to let me know where he will be, what he will be doing, and who he will be with.

[You'reasian]

This came up in another thread, and I promised I would start a thread about it.

 

What boundaries do you have in your marriage...if any?

 

For instance, some say that there should be two checking accounts. I disagree.

 

Some say that each person should make his or her decision about his or her own body. I agree unless it impacts the other person (ie vasectomy or abortion).

 

Some say that it is no one's business if the husband wants to go out with his friends. And if he decides that he wants women friends, his wife should have no say in the matter. I disagree.

 

Anyhow, thoughts?

 

Regardless of which way the discussion goes, things should be equivalent. That being said, if the man desires women friends, the women should have the right to desire man friends - inviting this scenario into a relationship does have the potential to break it up.

 

I know of a few marriages that ended in such a way.

 

A female for instance having a very, very close male friend - borderline intimate. The male, believing this behavior was equivalent, let his guard down and started befriending females at the same level.

 

Obviously a source of frustration for both, regardless whom decided their behavior shouldn't be reciprocated. One accusing the other of being jealous; the other accusing the other of crossing boundaries etc.

 

I'm guessing the safest way is to establish boundaries and be transparent. Unfortunately, complete transparency is impossible.

[OWoman]

I don't know your background. Are you talking about married partners, or dating/shacked-up partners? I have very different expectations of my husband than I did with other men I've lived with. As in, with the men I've lived with, I merely expected for them to let me know if they were not going to be home. With my husband, not only should he let me know if he will not be home, but he also needs to let me know where he will be, what he will be doing, and who he will be with.

 

The married vs "just" living together thing makes to difference to me. I feel the same, whether we're formally married or not. To me the relationship matters more than the piece of paper.

[Trialbyfire]

Good point, Walk.

 

I remember my wife saying that she would never quit work for children...before we had children. Yet when she was pregnant with our first child, she figured out our bills so she could stay home full time.

 

Boundaries do change, and as you said, we must respect our partner when they desire change.

 

However, this brings the point that if your partner suddenly wants his or her calls kept private, mail kept private, or emails in a private account...all of these can indicate something more than changing boundaries.

 

When do we consider boundary changes more than just a personal desire change with nothing more behind it?

Technically speaking, no, we don't have to respect our partner when they desire to change. It's up to the individuals involved, as a partnership, to agree to changes. It's important to realize what's a reasonable change and what's not, also what impinges on the other partner's boundaries.

 

If one partner suddenly desires complete secrecy, where previously they were an open book, you've impinged on the other partner's boundaries of transparency, within the relationship. The partner who wants change can change without agreement. When this happens, the terms of the partnership have been violated, therefore, the other partner can do what they need to do, to maintain their boundaries, which could include but is not exclusive to, walking.

[OWoman]

Technically speaking, no, we don't have to respect our partner when they desire to change. It's up to the individuals involved, as a partnership, to agree to changes. It's important to realize what's a reasonable change and what's not, also what impinges on the other partner's boundaries.

 

Agree completely. And a real flashpoint in this regard that springs to mind is children. So often, even though both parties have agreed they don't want kids (or do), one party changes their mind and just expects the other to be OK with it - or worse, just assumes that the other has undergone the same change of heart they have without even admitting that it's a change of heart. And then the guilt-tripping and emotional manipulation starts...

 

Edit: I don't mean we shouldn't respect our PARTNER or their desire to chance; I mean we shouldn't just fall in with the change out of respect for the partner - which I am reading to be what TBF meant too, rather than suddenly dissing the partner who no longer shares our views.