Owl Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 You are so right. For the life of me I cannot figure out what I want from him. Why would I keep the door open. I have made it clear through words and actions that is done, but I guess he will always try if he thinks there is a possibility. I am not sure what I am doing that he thinks he can still talk to me. Maybe because after months I have always caved. And this is why I've continually pushed you to tell your H and take active measures to safeguard your marriage. He knows that you'll cave eventually...you already have every other time over the last few years. That's why you need to do something DIFFERENT this time to safeguard your marriage and keep from going back into this. What do YOU think you can do differently that would help prevent this from going back like it has in the past?
Author forbidden fruit Posted December 11, 2008 Author Posted December 11, 2008 I think what I can do differently is not even let him in at all. As far as the kids go I have to be civil with W so our kids can play, but anything that has to do with him is off limits. He will push me and he knows how to push all of my buttons, but I wil not give him the chance this time to do that. The thing is I know my me xmm and right now he is lying in wait so to speak. He thinks I will be back so he is not worried, but when it hits him that I am not things will be different and I am not sure how he is going to react. This is another reason I am so anxious and have the anxiety attacks. He is viewing this as a game and when it finally hits him game over it might be a different story. When it finally hits him that the void that I filled in him al these years is gone and he has to find someone else or something else to fill that void is a scary day for me. I know not problem yet is my problem.
lkjh Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 The thing is I know my me xmm and right now he is lying in wait so to speak. He thinks I will be back so he is not worried, but when it hits him that I am not things will be different and I am not sure how he is going to react. This is another reason I am so anxious and have the anxiety attacks. He is viewing this as a game and when it finally hits him game over it might be a different story. When it finally hits him that the void that I filled in him al these years is gone and he has to find someone else or something else to fill that void is a scary day for me. I know not problem yet is my problem. Don't you see how you are thinking? You still don't care about your H. All you keep trying to do is prove that the OM really cares about. You are not ending the affair you are playing a power game with him. Just divorce your H already.
whichwayisup Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 I think what I can do differently is not even let him in at all. Exactly. Cut him off in everyway and keep telling yourself it is over and what he thinks and feels doesn't concern you anymore. As far as the kids go I have to be civil with W so our kids can play, but anything that has to do with him is off limits. This is something you just have to live with and deal with. The kids are innocent in all this, so are his. He will push me and he knows how to push all of my buttons, but I wil not give him the chance this time to do that. Let him try. If you don't care, then eventually it won't bother you as you'll have control over yourself. The thing is I know my me xmm and right now he is lying in wait so to speak. Let him wait. And go on with your life, don't give him a second thought. He thinks I will be back so he is not worried, but when it hits him that I am not things will be different and I am not sure how he is going to react. Again, stop worrying about what he will or won't do. His reaction doesn't and shouldn't matter, FF. This is another reason I am so anxious and have the anxiety attacks. He is viewing this as a game and when it finally hits him game over it might be a different story. Do yoga to help with your anxiety, it helps alot. AGAIN, stop worrying and thinking what his reaction will be. You can't control that, you can only control your OWN reaction to all this. And the right reaction to have is complete silence. When it finally hits him that the void that I filled in him al these years is gone and he has to find someone else or something else to fill that void is a scary day for me. I know not problem yet is my problem. Why a scary day for you? SO WHAT if he chooses to seek another woman's attention! Don't let your ego hurt over that, or your heart. It isn't your problem unless you make it out to be one. AGAIN, what he does or doesn't do, doesn't concern you anymore. CUT yourself emotionally out of his life. Even if he does find someone or something else to occupy his time, who cares?? Why let it bother you? Time to focus on your husband and marriage, and stop worrying about exMM. Your energy is being spent on a piece a sh*t (exMM) and that's a waste of time.
Author forbidden fruit Posted December 12, 2008 Author Posted December 12, 2008 Once again wwiu you are hit the nail on the head. Just curious do you think all mm are c*** or just mine?
bentnotbroken Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Once again wwiu you are hit the nail on the head. Just curious do you think all mm are c*** or just mine? You do mean the xmm....right? Your frame of mind is still that you are involved with him. Mentally you are as involved as before.
Meaplus3 Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 You do mean the xmm....right? Your frame of mind is still that you are involved with him. Mentally you are as involved as before. Exactly! And this is where your going wrong FF.. It does not matter who cares?? You need to think about it that way. The more you ask yourself these questions the more you will keep yourself from moving forward here. Rid yourself of him emotionally and you will have found the golden ticket to freedom. You can do it FF..I have faith in you. AP:)
Owl Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Again...start reinvesting all that energy and effort into your marriage...and see where THAT takes you.
Author forbidden fruit Posted December 16, 2008 Author Posted December 16, 2008 I hear what all of u are saying and I am reinvesting in my marriage. My NC is me saying I am taking back what is important to me. For a long time I thought it was the xmm, but I can see now he never really cared about me. I know now who really is in my corner. Words are so easy to say and he said everything I wanted to hear, but he never backed up his words with actions. My anger toward xmm has now been replaced with almost ( not there yet) acceptance of who he is. I saw him today and he actually let me back out of a parking space and I remained stonefaced when I saw him. I have a wall up and it ha given me a certain of amount of strength knowing he will not break my NC. Not his silly games, not through his kids nada. In the end he gets no part of me and that is what has kept me away from him. Yeah it would be so easy to go back and get that instant high, but the lows do not outweigh the highs and I don't want to go back there. My mother bet me a sap visit my strength would be tested in less than three months as she thinks he will be back. I am taking one day at a time, but everyday I have no contact with him I feel a little stronger.
Meaplus3 Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Good for you FF. Do take it one day at a time that's the best way. You'll get past this I know you will. Just don't give in Stay strong. AP:)
bentnotbroken Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 But, not strong enough to tell your H.
whichwayisup Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Can I ask? Has your mom encouraged you to tell your H? Anyway, keep doing what you're doing, eventually you won't even notice xMM and he won't even be a thought in your head.
JamesM Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 My anger toward xmm has now been replaced with almost ( not there yet) acceptance of who he is. I saw him today and he actually let me back out of a parking space and I remained stonefaced when I saw him. When you are there, you will be able to give him a smile and a wave...as you would any neighbor.
Author forbidden fruit Posted December 16, 2008 Author Posted December 16, 2008 I can assure you that will never happen as long as I live. First off he wa never just a neighbor, second way too much hurt and damage. I could go on and on why I will never treat him as just a neighbor and smile or wave at him. When you are there, you will be able to give him a smile and a wave...as you would any neighbor.
Author forbidden fruit Posted December 16, 2008 Author Posted December 16, 2008 Tomorrow i have to see him and his W at a christmas recital and I am not looking forwar to that. Unfortunately my h will be unable to make it.
Author forbidden fruit Posted December 16, 2008 Author Posted December 16, 2008 I want that day to be tomorrow wwiu. My mom has encouraged me not to tell my H as well as the only other person who knows about everything. Can I ask? Has your mom encouraged you to tell your H? Anyway, keep doing what you're doing, eventually you won't even notice xMM and he won't even be a thought in your head.
Author forbidden fruit Posted December 16, 2008 Author Posted December 16, 2008 No not strong enough to tell my H. But, not strong enough to tell your H.
bentnotbroken Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 No not strong enough to tell my H. First admission that I have heard from you. May be hope for you yet.
JamesM Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 I can assure you that will never happen as long as I live. First off he was never just a neighbor, second way too much hurt and damage. I could go on and on why I will never treat him as just a neighbor and smile or wave at him. I did not say be friends...simply smile and wave. Never say never. A few years ago, you would have said you would never have sex with him either. So this situation can get better again.
lkjh Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 How can you possibly believe you can go NC when your lives practically overlap each others? Does your H have freinds and relatives in the your area?
Author forbidden fruit Posted December 17, 2008 Author Posted December 17, 2008 You are right, but today his child came over for a playdate and then had dinner over, but he and I did not speak . We just did the hand off with the kids and carried on. It is really hard for me to see him, but there is nothing I can do. My mom thinks he is playing a game and he wants me to come to him. Sincw that will never happen this is the best NC I can do for right now.
lkjh Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 there is a lot you can do but you refuse to do it.
jwi71 Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 I wonder if your H or others will begin to notice a radical shift in attitude between you and your MM. And that the shift begins to make people take notice and wonder why...
Author forbidden fruit Posted December 17, 2008 Author Posted December 17, 2008 I am not sure people care at all or even notice that xmm and I are not talking. People might notice iff are kids did not play since they are such good friends. I wonder if your H or others will begin to notice a radical shift in attitude between you and your MM. And that the shift begins to make people take notice and wonder why...
Author forbidden fruit Posted December 17, 2008 Author Posted December 17, 2008 Well xmm had to come over and get his child and I did not let him in the house. In fact he tried to talk to me and I could not even look up. He said see you later and I just walked in the house.
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