bentnotbroken Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 What I see is FF heading for a mental breakdown of major proportions and then everything will have to come out for her to even attempt to recover. What a way for her H to find out. I wonder if MM wife has more info than even he knows? Link to post Share on other sites
Author forbidden fruit Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 please stop posting on my thread Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 please stop posting on my thread I am wondering who do you want to post on your thread? Those who tell you that you're addicted? That you don't have control over your actions? YOU HAVE CONTROL OF WHAT YOU DO AND WHO YOU INTERACT WITH. You want him. He has told you where he stands. If you don't love your H, continue on the path you have been going down the past 3+ years. If you do, tell him the truth, and let him help you. You are on the path to destruction. It is just a matter of how many you take down with you. GEL Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I feel so sorry for your H and children for having a wife and mother like you Help me how? I am simply being honest. If you can find one thing that I have posted that isn't true, then please let me know. So many times people call cruelty honesty. In reality, it is simply a way to vent anger at someone. That statement has been used by so many whose "honesty" cloaks opinions intended to hurt...not heal. Personally, I feel sorry for you that you feel the need to vent all of the time and state how hopeless FF is and how you feel sorry for everyone around her. If it was me who felt as you do, then I think I would find someone better to whom I could give my "honesty." Surely others would appreciate it better! Again, I think if you have no constructive feedback, then maybe a thread which is less hopeless will be better for you. Moaning about how awful FF is... wastes our time and yours. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 So many times people call cruelty honesty. In reality, it is simply a way to vent anger at someone. That statement has been used by so many whose "honesty" cloaks opinions intended to hurt...not heal. Personally, I feel sorry for you that you feel the need to vent all of the time and state how hopeless FF is and how you feel sorry for everyone around her. If it was me who felt as you do, then I think I would find someone better to whom I could give my "honesty." Surely others would appreciate it better! Again, I think if you have no constructive feedback, then maybe a thread which is less hopeless will be better for you. Moaning about how awful FF is... wastes our time and yours. First off I am really glad that I have your sympathy. Second I like how instead of pointing out what wasn't true you just called me cruel. If you can point out one thing that wasn't true I will believe you. Third why don't you ask yourself if you can create a mental image of FF's H or children? the answer is no. You can't not point out if she has boys, girls, or both. The reason is she never talks about them; but we all have a great picture of what the OM is like. She is completely centered around him and she only speaks of him. If you want to help her you have to make her realize this and admit it. She can not change her life by fooling herself into believing she is a victim. All the therapy in the world can not help her if she can't admit the real scenario. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 FF, OK,, now listen up. Since it seems you keep getting backed into a corner by this mm really hon your only option I believe at this point is to confess to your H. I'd almost tell you to pack up and move away first, but your H would wonder why you want to leave your current life.So really FF it's time to come clean. You know I'll tell ya something.. Even with me living on my one right now, if I still had feelings for this xmm nextdoor it would ruin me. I would NOT be strong enough to stay where I am and know that he's right nextdoor and that's the truth. Will your H be devestated Perhaps. But not as devestated IMO if he learns of this affair somehow from someone else. Now, if your up front and honest with him that should speak volumes. I want nothing more than to keep cheering:bunny: you on here girl.. but FF.. your not taking any action to put and end to the scenerio once and for all. How much longer can advice be given if your not willing to make a change?? In any case, I still believe in YOU and I believe in my heart your a good person who got real lost with this and now your powerless. It's time to admit that. Hugs. Mea:) Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 First off I am really glad that I have your sympathy. You are welcome. Second I like how instead of pointing out what wasn't true you just called me cruel. If you can point out one thing that wasn't true I will believe you. What you have said thus far are not facts but opinions. How you have said them is what I described as "cruel" cloaked as "honesty." Third why don't you ask yourself if you can create a mental image of FF's H or children? the answer is no. You can't not point out if she has boys, girls, or both. The reason is she never talks about them; but we all have a great picture of what the OM is like. Straw man argument. This forum is about OWs and OMs. So it is quite likely that this is what FF will be talking about. Besides, when I talk about my marriage, I don't keep bringing up my children. And yes, I know that FF has mentioned her children. If I went back through her posts, then I could see how many and what gender. However, not mentioning them has nothing to do with how she sees her world. Many here keep family members private as a way to stay anonymous. Revealing children and their names is a way to open their innocent lives up to scrutiny. And as parents, many of us do not want to hear our children criticized...even if it is done by anonymous cyberpeople. She is completely centered around him and she only speaks of him. Another way to see it is...that she is completely centered around herself. It is about how she responds to him. It is about her world and not her family's. It is also not about MM's family. Her concern for the future is what will happen to her. She can not change her life by fooling herself into believing she is a victim. All the therapy in the world can not help her if she can't admit the real scenario. First of all, none of us can be always called victims. Most of our life experiences result because of choices made by us...even many so called accidents. Second, Here you go again. The "real scenario" is what...defined by YOU? And that would be based on what you have read? Without having met FF? Therapy can help her actually admit to herself what needs to be done for herself, BUT it only works if SHE wants it to work. She does not need to "admit" to the real scenario before it works. In fact, based on my experiences, "the real scenario" develops BECAUSE of therapy not BEFORE therapy. Conclusion...most of what you have said is opinion cloaked in honesty. Very little is fact which can be proved or disproved. The facts that you have said have been said by others. My point is and has been for everyone who posts on any thread here on LS is.... Post when you have something that can be applied or be helpful to the OP. Post it in a manner which is constructive criticism. And if posting it is done in an "honest" manner, then let it be said in a manner which would be how you yourself would want it said. And even then, be perceptive to how the OP looks at life, and say your advice or feedback in a manner that is going to be helpful but not hurtful. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Actually what she talks about is a good indicator of what she holds important. I never asked if she gave us her kids names I was pointing out that the only part of her life she has described in almost 3 years is her OM. In almost 3 years we know absolutely nothing about anything else. Are you really saying that this isn't true? Are you saying she doesn't just talk about the OM? Are you saying she has not run in circles this entire time doing the same thing over and over again? Are you saying she hasn't completely disrespected her family in the worst possible way? Are you saying she is not fixated on the OM? These are the points I have made and yes they are facts. Just calling something an opinion does not make it an opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 James, why should I post how you want me to post? What is the point of having 30 people most in the exact same manner? Are you all knowing? Is your way the only way possible? Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 James, why should I post how you want me to post? You shouldn't. But you should post how the LS community wants you to post. See the rules once again. What is the point of having 30 people most in the exact same manner? Posting a constructive manner has no bearing on what the advice will be. There can be thirty people posting with thirty opinions...yet all thirty can post in a constructive and supportive manner. Are you all knowing? No. Is your way the only way possible? No. Does that answer all of your questions? Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Actually what she talks about is a good indicator of what she holds important. Actually, it only indicates what is important to her in relevance to this thread and similar threads. I never asked if she gave us her kids names I was pointing out that the only part of her life she has described in almost 3 years is her OM. In almost 3 years we know absolutely nothing about anything else. Yes. because she comes to LS for help in this situation. She may visit other forums and they may see a different side of her. I am a member of many forums of all different topics...from gardening to fish to politics to dogs to divorce and on and on. Each forum sees a different side of me. And again, have you read every post to see what all she has said? Many of us do keep parts of our lives private to keep our lives a bit anonymous. Are you really saying that this isn't true? Yes. We only see one part of her life. Are you saying she doesn't just talk about the OM? Yes, she also talks abut herself...alot...and her husband...and yes, even her children get mentioned. Are you saying she has not run in circles this entire time doing the same thing over and over again? No. Are you saying she hasn't completely disrespected her family in the worst possible way? Yes. Murder is much worse IMO. Are you saying she is not fixated on the OM? On her threads here on LS...no. These are the points I have made and yes they are facts. Actually, they are conclusions drawn from how you have read her posts. I have reached some of the same conclusions...as have many others. My point which you so delicately dance around is...HOW we say our conclusions is how we are defined. The way we say our conclusions and the way we give advice is what makes LS unique. Those who vent and rage are not truly giving advice in the spirit in which LS was founded. Just calling something an opinion does not make it an opinion. That would be your opinion. So NOW have we answered all of your questions? Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Way to grasp for straws Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Way to grasp for straws I figured the hot air came from somewhere and your response tells me everything. Very intelligent. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Actually what she talks about is a good indicator of what she holds important. I never asked if she gave us her kids names I was pointing out that the only part of her life she has described in almost 3 years is her OM. These are very good point's and I actually agree with you.. now imagine that. I think the reason why this is the case, is simply because FF has become very lost with regards to what's most important to her because she has been so wrapped up with this mm. She need's to realize that she is 100% powerless and accept that, so that she can get back to the most important people in her life.. H and kids. Mea:) Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I think the reason why this is the case, is simply because FF has become very lost with regards to what's most important to her because she has been so wrapped up with this mm. She need's to realize that she is 100% powerless and accept that, so that she can get back to the most important people in her life.. H and kids. Mea:) And...so that she can get the help that she needs from those that still have some power and motivation to change things...her H, her family, her friends, etc... Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 These are very good point's and I actually agree with you.. now imagine that. I think the reason why this is the case, is simply because FF has become very lost with regards to what's most important to her because she has been so wrapped up with this mm. She need's to realize that she is 100% powerless and accept that, so that she can get back to the most important people in her life.. H and kids. Mea:) The only way for her to do this is to admit everything to her H. Im not saying he will take her back with open arms but at least she would have some control in this situation. Ignoring this problem will not cause it to go away. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 And...so that she can get the help that she needs from those that still have some power and motivation to change things...her H, her family, her friends, etc... Yes. Exactly. Mea;) Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I figured the hot air came from somewhere and your response tells me everything. Very intelligent. Yep you got. Man you are good at avoiding the topic. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 The only way for her to do this is to admit everything to her H. I agree it's time for a confession. Mea:) Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Yep you got. Man you are good at avoiding the topic. Feel free to PM me. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I agree it's time for a confession. Mea:) And that is what has been said from FF's first thread. As you know, I doubt she will do so, but when she does, this whole mess will clear up. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 And that is what has been said from FF's first thread. As you know, I doubt she will do so, but when she does, this whole mess will clear up. Yes..I realize that James. And perhaps now that so many of us are on the same page with this she just might go ahead and make the move to finally set herself free from this nightmare. I only wish her the best. You know that. Mea:) Link to post Share on other sites
Zab Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 Guilt is the thing. If he can't get past it - he can't. Doesn't meen he loves you less. Just means he loves his wife and kids and that he is probably a good guy. The ones that don't feel guilt are the ones you have to worry about. THAT said. Guilt will drive you crazy. If you feel it you will hesitate as he is. And until he can proceed in a way that is guilt free - you will have problems with trust etc. Same goes for you and your personal guilt. How honest can you be to another lover if you are feeling guilty? It's like impossible because you do things out of guilt to make it go away. Guilt hurts. It just leads to poor decisions and mistrust. If the love is real and the guilt is strong... why not revert to friends? Why not try to get rid of the guilt. Do whatever you need to do to make things right and make the guilt go away - and take it from there. Love does not respect the clock. In 5 years when your kids are grown (provided you or he doesn't gain a zillion pounds) the same pull you feel today will be there if it is real. Now THAT said - if you can find a way to kill yours and his guilt in the mean time.... Well once there is no guilt... screw it - move in together and be happy. JUST PLEASE take good care of those kids and never bad mouth your ex in front of them or involve them in that kinda drama. -Z Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 Guilt is the thing. If he can't get past it - he can't. Doesn't meen he loves you less. Just means he loves his wife and kids and that he is probably a good guy. The ones that don't feel guilt are the ones you have to worry about. THAT said. Guilt will drive you crazy. If you feel it you will hesitate as he is. And until he can proceed in a way that is guilt free - you will have problems with trust etc. Same goes for you and your personal guilt. How honest can you be to another lover if you are feeling guilty? It's like impossible because you do things out of guilt to make it go away. Guilt hurts. It just leads to poor decisions and mistrust. If the love is real and the guilt is strong... why not revert to friends? Why not try to get rid of the guilt. Do whatever you need to do to make things right and make the guilt go away - and take it from there. Love does not respect the clock. In 5 years when your kids are grown (provided you or he doesn't gain a zillion pounds) the same pull you feel today will be there if it is real. Now THAT said - if you can find a way to kill yours and his guilt in the mean time.... Well once there is no guilt... screw it - move in together and be happy. JUST PLEASE take good care of those kids and never bad mouth your ex in front of them or involve them in that kinda drama. -Z This is the biggest load of horse pies I have ever read. Clearly you haven't read the whole thing. Link to post Share on other sites
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