Meaplus3 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 In the meantime while going through all these feeling I am paying special attention to the feelings of my h and kids. And if you keep doing this FF.. focusing on your H and Your children you wont have to worry about what xmm thinks.. he won't even matter any longer. Keep up the good work. Mea:)
bentnotbroken Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Stop wondering!!! His life is nothing to you.
whichwayisup Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 FF, keep it in check and keep telling yourself ALL this is now about EGO. Yours and his. The dynamtic that is there has to stop in your head. Who cares! This is what you have to tell yourself. What he does, thinks or says shouldn't matter to you anymore. I know I've said this before, but I'll say it again so you can keep saying it to yourself. The A is over, he is NOT in your life - Not as a friend, an affair partner, NOTHING. When you catch yourself thinking of him, wondering, TELL yourself "who f**ken cares! I DON'T!" and then distract yourself. Be active and be aware of when he enters your mind, you PUSH ANY thoughts of him away. You gotta do this and not let whatever feelings that are left over bug you. Those so called feelings are based on fantasy and not anything real. The fantasy of who you 'thought' he was does NOT exist so it's time to let that go... Stay strong, you can do this!
lkjh Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Man I feel for your husband! You continue to make a fool out of him.
Owl Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 FF, what's the longest length of time that you've gone NC with MM before? What makes this NC different from any of the others? What safeguards do you have in place to prevent a recurrence of the affair? How have you protected your marriage from this happening again?
LovieDove24 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I am going to say thank you for coming on here and being honest even though you knew you would get attacked. That just means we haven't scared you away too much! Anyways, I believe that your feelings are like skin. You cannot just throw them away and say "Who Cares?!" when in actuality you really do care. It's not that easy so I understand where you are coming from. It's ok to feel anxiety over this issue. He is a part of your past and you live so close to him no wonder your belly flip flops from time to time. I do have to reiterate Owl's questions however. What are you doing to safeguard you and your family from this happening again besides sheer willpower alone? You once admitted to being addicted...how do you intend to overcome it alone?
Author forbidden fruit Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 Two months is the longest of NC and we are approaching the longest time. What makes this NC different is me and the way I view the situation. I know letting him back in will only lead to trouble, heartbreak, disappointment and drama. Yes I am addicted, but I think I am a strong enough person to kick this addiction. It is all up to me. I know in my mind if I went back into the A nothing would change, he would still be him and it would never be enough for me. Not to mention that it would ruin my family. The only thing I keep having anxiety about is that since this is the longest we have ever gone of Nc he will be back so he doesn't lose total control. I honestly not strong enough to deal with him now so if he comes back I most likely will tell my H. I know I will not get a second chance with my H if this A goes to round two. I believe you never get two chances. Right now I am a nervous wreck. Noone knows my pain except this board. FF, what's the longest length of time that you've gone NC with MM before? What makes this NC different from any of the others? What safeguards do you have in place to prevent a recurrence of the affair? How have you protected your marriage from this happening again?
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 The only thing I keep having anxiety about is that since this is the longest we have ever gone of Nc he will be back so he doesn't lose total control. I honestly not strong enough to deal with him now so if he comes back I most likely will tell my H. I know I will not get a second chance with my H if this A goes to round two. I believe you never get two chances. Right now I am a nervous wreck. Noone knows my pain except this board. As long as your marriage is so poor, you will always be weak to your MM.
Meaplus3 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 As long as your marriage is so poor, you will always be weak to your MM. FF..Untouchable is So very spot on here. Now, If you can repair things with your H you will be so much better off. Is that taking place? Are you happier now in your marriage? Mea:)
Author forbidden fruit Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Your right broke NC today. Of coourse he still wants to meet and he still very much wants to be friends. I told him he makes me sick and he is evil, but he probably did not hear any of it all he heard was he was back in.
bentnotbroken Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Your right broke NC today. Of coourse he still wants to meet and he still very much wants to be friends. I told him he makes me sick and he is evil, but he probably did not hear any of it all he heard was he was back in. Now will you talk with your H?
lkjh Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 In other words you wanted closer and initiated contact and surprise surprise he thinks you two are back together. You are never gonna be done with this until you tell your H or leave your H. Way to let down the few people( I was not one of them) who honestly believed you
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 He heard he was back in. How? Because you spoke to him, he thinks you want him back? Why did you break NC? The guy is playing you and he is sooo enjoying it. Get MAD here and TELL yourself there's no point in even acknowledging his presence, let alone speaking to him. He's been waiting for you to crack. GET MAD! And then focus that energy into counselling and go with your husband. It's time..
bentnotbroken Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 He heard he was back in. How? Because you spoke to him, he thinks you want him back? Why did you break NC? The guy is playing you and he is sooo enjoying it. Get MAD here and TELL yourself there's no point in even acknowledging his presence, let alone speaking to him. He's been waiting for you to crack. GET MAD! And then focus that energy into counselling and go with your husband. It's time.. Past time I would say.
Meaplus3 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Your right broke NC today. Of coourse he still wants to meet and he still very much wants to be friends. I told him he makes me sick and he is evil, but he probably did not hear any of it all he heard was he was back in. He's taking advantage of you FF.. probably becuase he knows he can. Now you have to make sure to let him know he can't. You need to stand up and tell him "I'm done with you". No more friendship Nothing.. As far as your concearned he's just another neighbor. FF.. your not going to get out of this if YOUR not willing to be firm. He should not even matter to you any more. It's your H and kids.. they are YOUR life. Can you do this? Can you stand up to him one last time? Mea:)
Owl Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 It's not time to 'stand up against MM'. It's way, WAY past that point. It's time to realize that you cannot do this on your own. It's time to realize that you NEED your husband's support to actually end the affair. Anything less is simply continuing the affair. You keep trying and failing 'your way'. When are you finally going to take the advice of people who've been through all of this?
Meaplus3 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 It's not time to 'stand up against MM'. It's way, WAY past that point. I normally agree with every word you type Owl.. I happen to think your very smart. but, I don't agree here. She needs to tell him once and for all I'm done period. She needs to be firm. She does not want to tell her H.. even though some many of us have suggested that. So as far as I can see that's off the table. Do you understand where I'm coming from by saying that? Mea:)
Owl Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I definitely see your point, Mea. And it would likely be valid in a number of situations...but I don't believe your plan will work in this situation. In FF's case, we're dealing with a very, very persistent MM who isn't in this because he "cares" about FF...he's in it so that he can "tap that" with her whenever he likes. He cares nothing about FF, her family, his family, or anyone else but his own immediate pleasure. And FF is far from a strong person. She's repeatedly given in after attempts to "try" to end the affair. She's got a long track record of being unable to end the affair. She can set her boundaries, but MM has absolutely no reason to respect them. He knows that she'll eventually cave. He will simply refuse to believe her if she were to 'stand up to him'. He'll just keep pressuring her and pressuring her until she gives in again, and he gets what he wants. I also think this is all a tremendous ego boost for this guy...the more she resists, the more he persists...and the sweeter the victory when she gives it up to him. The only way this situation will change is if there is a major shift in its dynamics. A new factor has to be brought it. I respect your views Mea...but I don't think that your plan will work with this situation. If this were a typical affair relationship with the normal emotional basis...I think your advice would be very sound. But in this case, it's far more based around his power over her than it is about his 'feelings' for her. Make sense?
LovieDove24 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Again....admitting you are powerless over your addiction is the first step towards recovery. You may feel admitting this is for "nutjobs" only, but it seems quite fitting here. You can't do this on your own and your recent contact with MM proves it, sheer willpower is not enough. So once you admit you are powerless over this beast, who are you going to get in your corner to help?
Meaplus3 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 She can set her boundaries, but MM has absolutely no reason to respect them. He knows that she'll eventually cave. He will simply refuse to believe her if she were to 'stand up to him'. He'll just keep pressuring her and pressuring her until she gives in again, and he gets what he wants. I also think this is all a tremendous ego boost for this guy...the more she resists, the more he persists...and the sweeter the victory when she gives it up to him. IMO..He'd respect them if FF were to be firm and tell him that's it it's over. I want nothing to do with you and STICK with it. I have not seen that she has done that in a serious fashion. [quote] The only way this situation will change is if there is a major shift in its dynamics. A new factor has to be brought it. Yes.. by a shift IMO means FF.. staying away from him. This can be done. I still live next door to my xmm.. and I have not a thing to do with him.. becuase I'm over him. So perhaps she is not over her xmm? Just another angle to explore. If this were a typical affair relationship with the normal emotional basis...I think your advice would be very sound. But in this case, it's far more based around his power over her than it is about his 'feelings' for her. And her feelings for him. Because, if she had NO feelings for him this would NO longer be an issue now would it? Mea:)
Author forbidden fruit Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Yesterday I was so anxious all day because I had the feeling all day he was going to do something. I think I posted in the a.m. he would be back. Sure enough when I picked up my kids from school he went out of his way to get reaction from me and when that did not work he used his kid. I told Owl this is the longest I have gone Nc and he knows exactly when he needs to step in so I do not go too far out of his reach. First off what xmm wants is friendship and he says he wants to keep it platonic until he can sort out his life. He said I should want a friendship and stop acting like a teenager. He says he thinks about the situation everyday and believes if we left now we would ruin everybody. He kept saying he wants to be in my life and wants to meet halfway. He wants to give me what I want, but I have to be willing to give him what he wants. What he wants is a platonic friendship for now. At this point I do not know what I want. Sometimes I think okay if he does not make a move on me, maybe hi and bye how is your day. What is going on with the kids is possible. Maybe I should let go of any notion of him as anything more. Maybe I should focus on my H put him out of mind and accept him for what and who he is. I am the one who can not let go and bringing all the drama. What if I changed then maybe it could work.
bentnotbroken Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Yesterday I was so anxious all day because I had the feeling all day he was going to do something. I think I posted in the a.m. he would be back. Sure enough when I picked up my kids from school he went out of his way to get reaction from me and when that did not work he used his kid. I told Owl this is the longest I have gone Nc and he knows exactly when he needs to step in so I do not go too far out of his reach. First off what xmm wants is friendship and he says he wants to keep it platonic until he can sort out his life. He said I should want a friendship and stop acting like a teenager. He says he thinks about the situation everyday and believes if we left now we would ruin everybody. He kept saying he wants to be in my life and wants to meet halfway. He wants to give me what I want, but I have to be willing to give him what he wants. What he wants is a platonic friendship for now. At this point I do not know what I want. Sometimes I think okay if he does not make a move on me, maybe hi and bye how is your day. What is going on with the kids is possible. Maybe I should let go of any notion of him as anything more. Maybe I should focus on my H put him out of mind and accept him for what and who he is. I am the one who can not let go and bringing all the drama. What if I changed then maybe it could work. And so the cycle and the drama continue. You listen to him and then say MAYBE you should focus on your H and put him out of your mind. You aren't going to change, stop wishing and go get some help for the sake of your family if not yourself.
Owl Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Mea, here's the flaw in your logic. FF isn't anymore likely to "be firm" and "take a stand" against MM now than she ever has before. That's the real source of this entire ordeal. She simply isn't strong enough on her own to change. She's an addict. She needs help to break the addiction. She needs something to happen to massively change the situation in order to break the addiction. That change has to be something that is outside of her own personal control once it's initiated. Otherwise, she'll cave and resume her addiction, just as she's done in the past. That strength has to come from something external to her...not internal. This is the #1, key critical reason why she needs to tell her husband the truth. Since this forum can't convince her...I would tell her to go to a marriage counselor for help. NOT an IC...but an MC. She can go to one by herself...and once she explains the situation, it'll make sense to the MC why she requires that kind of aid over IC. Beyond that...all anyone here can do for her is to keep trying to get her to do what she needs to do to help herself.
JamesM Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Maybe I should focus on my H put him out of mind and accept him for what and who he is. I am the one who can not let go and bringing all the drama. What if I changed then maybe it could work. Why don't you love and accept your husband for who he is? What part(s) don't you accept? Do you love him? (And peanut gallery responses saying "How could she when she cheats on him?" are already expected but unnecessary at this point.)
Meaplus3 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Mea, here's the flaw in your logic. FF isn't anymore likely to "be firm" and "take a stand" against MM now than she ever has before. That's the real source of this entire ordeal. She simply isn't strong enough on her own to change. She's an addict. Owl, I see your points really I do however, she has said she will not tell her H, if I remember correctly and not go to MC.. so therefore, I have concluded that it has to come within herself if she is going to for go outside help. Although IMO, outside help would most likely be the key here to end this Situation. FF, My questions to you. "How who you like to put an end to this situation"? And "what do you think your best option is at this point"? Mea:)
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