BareGoddess Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 There's no way you should marry someone with whom you can't discuss the particulars and details with. BIG mistake if you do. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 It seems to me that he likes to tease her and then refuse to discuss it! Should proposals always be a surprise? If the woman in question in desperate to get married and you know it, should you tease her this way? IMO he needs to be a bit more honest here, it is as if he is just leading you on LB to keep you happy Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 4, 2008 Author Share Posted November 4, 2008 I agree but, he is being a bit difficult about all of this. He must know how important this is to LB, so why not just give her a real reply, even if it's just to make her happy? When she told him about what kind of ring she wanted he could have asked a couple insightful questions and told her that he will be sure to get her the ring of her dreams when he proposes. Since he wants it to be such a surprise he could have said that he knows what she would like now and that he will be thrilled to get it for her one day but to please not talk about it now so he can plan the surprise his way. There's nothing wrong with having a straight forward conversation about these things in a committed relationship. I think it would be so much easier for LB to relax if he just gave her a normal, real reply. These are good points. I realize he wants to make it a surprise, but I think he is so caught up in this that he is forgetting about my feelings. And it's odd because he is honest and open with me about other things in our relationship. We can talk about issues that come up, and he has no problem discussing his feelings about our relationship with me, and vice versa. However, when it comes to this marriage stuff, he turns into this mysterious type of mentallity. When someone asked when we were getting engaged at his friend's wedding he replied "Oh I like to keep her on her toes." Okay, so now he is looking at rings. I'm just going to let it go at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 4, 2008 Author Share Posted November 4, 2008 Something else that just struck me, is that is he going to be okay with talking about these things (wedding, marriage, ect.) once we get engaged? Is a ring going to suddenly change all this weirdness? He wants it to be a suprise, but I feel like he is taking it too far. If he isn't ready to get married, or he still feels uncomfortable then why is he looking for rings? I know none of you can really answer these questions for me..only he can. I don't know if talking about this with him would be the best idea, or just let it go and cross that bridge when I come to it. However, I believe that in a marriage you should have open communication and not keep secrets or not express how you are feeling. Like someone else pointed out, if you can't talk to each other then a marriage generally won't work. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 Something else that just struck me, is that is he going to be okay with talking about these things (wedding, marriage, ect.) once we get engaged? Is a ring going to suddenly change all this weirdness? He wants it to be a suprise, but I feel like he is taking it too far. If he isn't ready to get married, or he still feels uncomfortable then why is he looking for rings? I know none of you can really answer these questions for me..only he can. I don't know if talking about this with him would be the best idea, or just let it go and cross that bridge when I come to it. However, I believe that in a marriage you should have open communication and not keep secrets or not express how you are feeling. Like someone else pointed out, if you can't talk to each other then a marriage generally won't work. After he pops the question, there's no 'surprise' element anymore. He's already asked you all kinds of questions about the wedding, the honeymoon, etc., so I don't think he'll stop talking about it then. He'll just be less cagey and vague at that point because there's no need to try to surprise you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 5, 2008 Author Share Posted November 5, 2008 After he pops the question, there's no 'surprise' element anymore. He's already asked you all kinds of questions about the wedding, the honeymoon, etc., so I don't think he'll stop talking about it then. He'll just be less cagey and vague at that point because there's no need to try to surprise you. Yeah, that's true. He's def. looked at a lot of engagement rings, so I really hope that he proposes soon! Link to post Share on other sites
StartingOver07 Posted November 5, 2008 Share Posted November 5, 2008 For something as important as marriage, where both should be wanting this to happen without undue stress, this entire situation is one big immature power play. Amen! This is something they should be talking about and planning for (or not) together. LB's bf hides behind this concept of a surprise -- which is just a cruel way to play out a cat and mouse game with her -- instead of just openly discussing his feelings for her. Both LB and her bf are insistent on doing this their own way, which happens to make the other miserable. They need to be talking like adults rather than strategizing power plays. Link to post Share on other sites
mrose2008 Posted November 5, 2008 Share Posted November 5, 2008 Pick out the one you want and tell him...My husband called me up (I was living 2hrs away at the time) and said you need to pick out your engagement ring bc I dont want to end up picking out something that you dont like...He just gave me a price limit of 1500.00...so we went to the store together and got the one I wanted..ironically now that I am pregnant I am wearing a high end cz and not my engagement ring (it is a 4.5) and it looks real....keep us posted on the engagement Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 5, 2008 Author Share Posted November 5, 2008 Amen! This is something they should be talking about and planning for (or not) together. LB's bf hides behind this concept of a surprise -- which is just a cruel way to play out a cat and mouse game with her -- instead of just openly discussing his feelings for her. Both LB and her bf are insistent on doing this their own way, which happens to make the other miserable. They need to be talking like adults rather than strategizing power plays. He's being vague because he is planning a huge surprise for me. I saw that he went to the kays jewelers website on his computer (it was in his search history) and looked at engagement rings! So now all I have to do is wait for the proposal!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 5, 2008 Share Posted November 5, 2008 Amen! This is something they should be talking about and planning for (or not) together. LB's bf hides behind this concept of a surprise -- which is just a cruel way to play out a cat and mouse game with her -- instead of just openly discussing his feelings for her. Both LB and her bf are insistent on doing this their own way, which happens to make the other miserable. They need to be talking like adults rather than strategizing power plays. Well, he has shared his feelings with her. LB knows he loves her, and that he does see them married in the future, and he does ask her all kinds of questions about weddings and honeymoons and stuff. The problem is, for LB, that he won't be definite about WHEN he is going to propose and WHEN he wants a wedding and won't specifically talk about THEIR wedding. He has TOLD her that he wants it to be a surprise, and her insecurity about it is making her think he might not want to get married to her and so she's all angsty about the whole topic of proposing and rings and everything else wedding-related. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 6, 2008 Author Share Posted November 6, 2008 Well, he has shared his feelings with her. LB knows he loves her, and that he does see them married in the future, and he does ask her all kinds of questions about weddings and honeymoons and stuff. The problem is, for LB, that he won't be definite about WHEN he is going to propose and WHEN he wants a wedding and won't specifically talk about THEIR wedding. He has TOLD her that he wants it to be a surprise, and her insecurity about it is making her think he might not want to get married to her and so she's all angsty about the whole topic of proposing and rings and everything else wedding-related. Yeah, I'm definately getting anxious here. My boyfriend asked me last night if Kay's Jewelers was my favorite jewelry store! He asked if we had any plans for the weekend, and I said well we could go out to dinner maybe (we do that alot) and he was like, "Yeah, that's a great idea!" (I had told him that I thought a nice proposal would be to go out to dinner then have a private proposal at home). He has never been that enthusiastic before. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, because I realize it might not happen right now. I had a dream last night that he proposed to me and I guess I was talking in my sleep because he woke up and said I was saying "Yes!" really excited in my sleep! He asked me what I was dreaming about and I told him that I dreamt I got a promotion at work! How do I get my mind off this? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 6, 2008 Share Posted November 6, 2008 How do I get my mind off this? Well, you could get all involved in politics - we just had a big election, I've heard. Be a part of the Change! Or perhaps you could get involved with a charitable organization that means something to you - animal shelters, habitat, paint schools and build playgrounds, teach Junior Achievement classes...(we just had our Month of Service at work, so that's top of mind for me). Basically, get out of your head and think about something else that's important to you to replace all the energy you are wasting worrying about a proposal and ring. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted November 6, 2008 Share Posted November 6, 2008 LB, this is a genuine question ... What do you think will change when you have a ring on your finger? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 6, 2008 Author Share Posted November 6, 2008 LB, this is a genuine question ... What do you think will change when you have a ring on your finger? Well, I will be planning a wedding. We will have also made a committment to each other to spend the rest of our lives together, which we don't have right now. It's not that I need it to be happy, but it means a lot to me to get married, and I love him more than anything in the whole world and I can't wait to spend my life with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted November 6, 2008 Share Posted November 6, 2008 But you ARE spending your life with him now! The high levels of anxiety I read when I read your posts about this actually make me anxious too lol I really hopes he does it this weekend!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 6, 2008 Author Share Posted November 6, 2008 But you ARE spending your life with him now! The high levels of anxiety I read when I read your posts about this actually make me anxious too lol I really hopes he does it this weekend!!!! Yeah, I know I'm spending my life with him now. And I know that life without him would be terrible. So married or not, I want to be with him. I don't know why I'm so anxious, maybe because he teases me about it all the time!!! I hope he proposes this weekend, however I'm trying to not get my hopes up too high in case it doesn't happen. I'm not supposed to know he looked at rings, I mean he could have just been looking for future reference. He has looked though like 3 times in the past week, if he wasn't looking to buy a ring anytime soon I don't think he would have done that. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted November 6, 2008 Share Posted November 6, 2008 well fingers crossed ! And when he finally does it you have to start a thread with the title "PLEASE SIT DOWN BEFORE YOU READ" hahhahaha I cant wait!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 6, 2008 Author Share Posted November 6, 2008 well fingers crossed ! And when he finally does it you have to start a thread with the title "PLEASE SIT DOWN BEFORE YOU READ" hahhahaha I cant wait!! Uh huh. Believe me, everyone will know when we get engaged! Link to post Share on other sites
Sunshine11 Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 So, I feel like you were kind of building this weekend up. Any news? Avid readers want to know! Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 LB, I'm curious to see what happened as well! Today at breakfast my SO was talking about engagement rings and going to some place on the East Coast where he wants to get my ring from, it reminded me of you Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 10, 2008 Author Share Posted November 10, 2008 Nothing happened. He may just be waiting until like Christmas or something. He worked all day on Saturday and then we went out with our friends. I really doubt he bought a ring or anything, he has been working nonstop because its the end of the quarterly or something. Maybe he looked at rings just to see what kind he would like to buy. He may not even be planning to buy one anytime soon. It's disappointing, I wish I hadn't gotten my hopes up. From now on I'm just going to assume that he hasn't bought a ring and will propose when ready. That thought process drove me a little nuts also, but at least I won't be disappointed that he didn't propose. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 LB - chill the eff out. Seriously. Stop looking at his computer. Stop trying to "clue him in." Just STOP. If it's meant to be, it will be...in due time. My friend took me ring shopping to help him select the perfect ring for his live-in GF of 3 years. That was 2 weeks ago. They broke up last Monday. Why? Shiot like this. Pressure. It was never going to be enough for her. She was always going to need more to prove his commitment. STOP IT. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 10, 2008 Author Share Posted November 10, 2008 LB - chill the eff out. Seriously. Stop looking at his computer. Stop trying to "clue him in." Just STOP. If it's meant to be, it will be...in due time. My friend took me ring shopping to help him select the perfect ring for his live-in GF of 3 years. That was 2 weeks ago. They broke up last Monday. Why? Shiot like this. Pressure. It was never going to be enough for her. She was always going to need more to prove his commitment. STOP IT. Well "cluing him in" worked because now he knows what kind of ring I want. Truthfully I wish I hadn't seen that he looked at rings. I certainly am not pressuring him (consciously or otherwise). I know he will propose eventually so I am going to try to have peace of mind with that. Relaxing is not a strong suit of mine, therefore it is difficult to "calm down" as everyone is telling me too. I am going to try though because I'm pretty much making myself miserable here. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 I agree with SG, especially about not looking at his computer history. I forgot to mention this before but that's pushing it. I would be annoyed if my bf was searching my computer history, I know it's nothing hidden that you're snooping in but still. Not to mention that if he knew it wouldn't send a good message. And I hope you can relax. I understand that you want to get engaged, I'm in a very similar situation with my bf. We're getting engaged in less than a year so we're looking at rings, talking about future decisions and so on. But you NEED to have faith in your bf and in your relationship. You need to let loose and have faith that it'll happen. I know my bf hasn't purchased a ring yet And I promise you, I'm not stressing about it. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 So my boyfriend may propose soon. He wants it to be a surprise, therefore going ring shopping is out of the question. What is a good way to clue him in on what kind of ring I want? I have told him before, but he tends to not remember things I tell him sometimes so maybe he has forgotten. Anyway, what would be a good way to do this? Generically? He may feel pressured if I come out and tell him what kind of ring I want. Or would he? He's been dropping all the hints lately, so he's preparing. Oh to footnote: I really would like any kind of ring he bought me, but this one that found is soooo beautiful. I love it! For something as important as marriage, where both should be wanting this to happen without undue stress, this entire situation is one big immature power play. Well, I will be planning a wedding. We will have also made a committment to each other to spend the rest of our lives together, which we don't have right now. It's not that I need it to be happy, but it means a lot to me to get married, and I love him more than anything in the whole world and I can't wait to spend my life with him. AAARARARAGHRGAHRHARGJAHLGRJHAWGGGH!!! Does anybody elses head hurt with all this frantic over-analysis? Guess what LB- wedding planning is not cement that glues you together. In fact, its not even that fun, I am finding it a bit of a drag. I wish the day was over already, as to me its just another day. It will be a great party, but really marriage is about more than the wedding to me, and what I am really excited about is Wonderboy and I moving into our new house and getting a puppy and maybe even a baby..... If your BF is anything like my fiance, he would rather go fishing than plan the wedding, and you will have to do most things yourself, which I can imagine will stress you out too. You know that Wonderboy proposed to me TOTALLY out of the blue and bought my ring himself- and I wouldn't have it any other way. He knew me well enough to know what kind of ring I would like, and its beautiful. If you are so desperate to be engaged, why don't YOU propose to HIM, then at least things might get done to your timescale. Link to post Share on other sites
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