Lied about my weight - should he be mad??

[rubeegrl75]

well, i admire your will to be a vegetarian, but i don't think that's for me.

 

I said sometimes I get cravings, not frequently.

[allina]

well, i admire your will to be a vegetarian, but i don't think that's for me.

 

I said sometimes I get cravings, not frequently.

 

I didn't even mean being vegetarian, I just meant the oily, super processed foods that are bad for you.

 

And being vegan has zero to do with will, it's not like a diet that you have to stick to, I have no desire to eat food from animals, I find it cruel and repulsive

 

Either way, good luck on your journey.

[Crestfallen_KH]

I can't believe someone else hasn't asked this yet, so maybe I'm missing something.

 

If you could tell this guy your private fantasies, hopes, and dreams, why couldn't you tell him about your illness? To me, that's the biggest red flag here. To feel comfortable enough with a guy to lay out your sexual fantasies, but be too nervous/insecure/afraid to explain a significant condition in your life?

 

Out of curiousity, why didn't you ever tell him over the two-year period?

[rubeegrl75]

Hi Crestfallen,

 

I did tell him, early on in fact. He knew all about it, although I told him little bits at a time because when he and I first met i didn't even know what I had. I just kept having all these bizarre symtoms and was never diagnosed correctly until I went to an alternative medicine doc. A few times I was even crying on the phone to him saying "i dont know whats wrong with me". It was one of the reasons I put off meeting. It was a hard time. Also, he had so much crap going on in his life that I didn't want to exacerbate it too much with my own.

 

The talks about hopes, fantasies, etc. Those things are fun and exciting, it was nice to get our minds off our personal problems and talk about other things.

[rubeegrl75]

aha, i just reread my original post and see where the confusion is. Let me correct something. My candida syptoms started long before he and I began talking. The diagnosis was not "officially" confirmed until he and I were already talking. I essentially diagnosed myself originally. I knew what I had, i googled all my symptoms and it all made sense. But most docs (six or seven of them) didn't buy it. Only the alt med doc did, and he treated me correctly and put me on a low sugar diet.

[stillafool]

StilladamnFool, I meant comments about the relationship in general, not about the weight issue. I didn't ask for comments about our relationship.

 

And i dont know how long it will take me, but so far 12 pounds to date.

 

Let's not ruin this happy day, the GOP has been ousted.

 

 

Wow, you don't have to cuss at me. I don't call you rubeefatgrl75. You need to go back and read your first post because you are asking for adivice on your weight and the relationship with him. Geesh, go eat something already!

[rubeegrl75]

Sorry stillasweetandlovingfool.

 

Yes, i was asking for advice on the weight and his reaction TO the weight, not on being called "other woman" and comments on our relationship in general and all that. That I did not ask about and the only reason i even wrote about it is to provide some backup info on why it took awhile for us to meet in person. I don't want any "morality" type lectures on a physical fitness page.

 

rubeefatgrl75. Interesting. Please stop responding to my post. Go elsewhere.

[Crestfallen_KH]

Ok, so you told him about the condition; why, then did you leave out the part about the weight gain? You sent him false pictures and stopped showing your body on a Webcam. It seems as if it was a huge deal to hide the weight gain from him.

 

From how it looks to me, you were afraid to be honest with him. And I'm just trying to find out what you were afraid was going to happen if you were.

[2sure]

Hey, if he bought airline tickets for November, dec. , and Jan...I guess he feels comfortable enough with both the lie and the weight for the moment. If he cancels a flight, it may be because you arent losing weight fast enough. As hurtful as that sounds/is...it is his preference , and besides probably a great motivator for you.

[lovestruck818]

Why would you lie to someone you "love"? That's not being honest...you can't really blame him for being upset- I would be too.

 

His not wrong for wanting a certain type of look. Looks matter and they should. I weigh 95lbs, down from 150lbs and I'm only 5'1"...not b/c I have good genes, b/c I worked my ass off to get this way. I firmyl believe that if you're not losing weight, you're either not working hard enough or not doing it right...b/c everything is possible.

 

I'm sorry- I really don't think you can be mad at him or ask if he he has a right to be upset...b/c he's not the one who lied...you did.

 

Okay. This is quite the story and frankly it can fall under many categories on loveshack.

 

It's a long story but I will only tell the most relevant angles. I am in love with a man who is legally married. Yes, married. His wife is bipolar and was hospitalized after an attempted suicide. They no longer live together nor do they have intimate relations. She lives down the street from him. The reason he has not legally divorced her yet is that she has depended on him financially for the last 12 years, and until she is on her feet financially, emotionally, and psychologically, he hesitates to cut the ties. I support this (at least for now). They have 2 children together. Her family lives in Canada and he is all she has here in the states. They only knew eachother a few weeks before they married 12 years ago, and it sounds like 90 percent of it was a living hell. Despite his marital status, due to these circumstances i dont really consider myself the "other woman". I am a genuinely caring person and have never involved myself with a married man before.

 

Two years ago, he and I met online thru a friend, he had a question about my profession (i am an engineer). At first, he and I were just great friends. The friendship grew and grew. We talked hours on the phone every day. We became each others confidant and soulmate. I had just broken up with a long time bf and was hurting, and he was in a pretty hopeless situation with crazy wife and was hurting as well. Over time we fell in love, and yes, things got pretty hot and heavy on the phone quite often romantically. Phone sex all the time. We read eachother poetry, exchanged our private fantasies and personal lives, our families, and dreamt of a life together with no complications. Even talk marriage and kids.

 

He lives in northern california, I live in southern california. We started trading pictures, then eventually got a webcam.

 

Just before he and i started talking, i was diagnosed with systemic candida and began treatment. It affected my weight big time. My weight ballooned up to 195 pounds (I am 5'6). I hid it from him, especially after finding out from comments he made sometimes, he had a problem with overweight girls. In fact, he complained that his wife got fat from her bipolar meds (of course i defended her, she is sick for crying out loud!). But i knew that if i divulged my weight problem to him he would freak out. He takes very good care of himself. I am also insecure about my weight. Generally people consider me to be very good looking. I'm not vain in any sense, but I used to be a picture model (my face), am very curvaceous, and never had trouble attracting men. But I am also an engineer and the modeling was just a side job. Of course, when i started gaining weight, the come ons from other men sure did dwindle. Gee!

 

After a while he noticed that i was always reluctant to show him my body. Whether it was in photos or on the cam, it was always headshots that i showed him so i could hide my physical problem. He would gently bring it up, but i would always avoid the topic or make a joke. He had to have known i was hiding something. And i was. So what I did was send him bodyshots of me when i was lighter, even a pic of another girls legs (yes, i was that ridiculous), thinking "who cares if i'm deceiving him now, i'm going to make sure i look great when we meet and he won't care".

 

Of course also during this time he kept bugging me about meeting him in person. until things were settled with his wife, i felt uncomfortable meeting him. Also, i wanted to lose the weight before we met but i knew that it would be a tedious process, and we couldnt wait that long. Finally after 2 years. YES, 2 YEARS...of talking on the phone...i agreed to meet him in person. My treatment was done, I could concentrate on losing the weight, but i kept thinking "how am i going to tell him how heavy i am right now? should it matter? would he be mad? doesnt he love me for who i am?"

 

So i broke down and told him. Didn't tell him how heavy i was, just told him that i'm battling a slight weight problem and that its just temporary. He said okay. We agreed to meet in santa barbara. That was 3 weeks ago.

 

We did meet, it was magical (can you imagine finally meeting someone after 2 years!) and we made love multiple times (he was quite the horndog, but i guess 3 years of celibacy will do that to a guy), but i could tell that my size was a huge issue with him. He made little comments here and there, and i could tell that he is concerned about my weight problem. I told him i was only like 20 pounds overweight, when really i am like 50+ pounds overweight. I just couldnt bring myself to tell him. So when we met he was probably a bit shocked, but he hid it well at first.

 

Should he be upset? Is it really that big of a deal? I am losing weight already. I've dropped five pounds and have a lot more to go, but i sense from him a bit of apprehension. He kept saying that once we met he would finish up the divorce proceedings and we could be together, but now i feel like he's waiting to see what happens with me. Could the weight thing be an issue?? Do guys care about appearance that much? I guess if the tables were turned i would care. I'm just kinda confused.

 

We will meet again, he's coming down in november. I know he still loves me, but i could tell by little things he's said since we met that my weight really concerns him.

 

I guess any input here would be nice. Thanks thanks thanks!!

[rubeegrl75]

Howdy..

 

Okay im at work but i can sneak in this response :-)

 

I guess i thought if i told him about the total weight gain it would make him apprehensive. I was scared. That might sound tacky but I was. Totally scared. He was my fantasy man in so many ways and I didn't want to f*ck it up. And vice versa, he had seen these old pics and i think expected a certain look. Could I have potentially made it worse by lying? Was I nervous about that too? Oh of COURSE! When we first met I arrrived in town first and when he called saying he was pulling up in his car I was nervous. But when we actually saw eachother, he hugged me so tight and seemed so genuinely happy and thrilled to meet i could barely breath, so I was relieved. But over the course of the weekend of course I could tell it was a concern.

 

BTW, a lot has happened since the date of the original post. He's been down here to visit already and has not brought it up. Though he has noticed me shrinking a bit and he just says "looking good babe!" and then he drops it.

 

He's never once asked me point blank "hey, so why the heck did you lie?" I think he's kind of figured it out and has decided to not put me on the spot. The last time we met he came to my town and stayed at my house. Well, on the walls and in frames i have pics of the "old" me, and he looked at them, and I could tell he was like "huh..okay".

 

He motivates me to lose weight, but in the end i'm doing this for myself. Being this heavy really sucks.

 

Of course i've discussed these issues with friends and family, but they can't be objective b/c they know me. If I ask them I get the "of COURSE it shouldn't matter! HE should love you for YOU!!" You know the deal. I wanted objective opinions from strangers. Which is how i found all you lovely folks! :-P

 

And yes, lovestruck, I agree.

[stillafool]

Sorry stillasweetandlovingfool.

 

Yes, i was asking for advice on the weight and his reaction TO the weight, not on being called "other woman" and comments on our relationship in general and all that. That I did not ask about and the only reason i even wrote about it is to provide some backup info on why it took awhile for us to meet in person. I don't want any "morality" type lectures on a physical fitness page.

 

rubeefatgrl75. Interesting. Please stop responding to my post. Go elsewhere.

 

Sorry you don't tell me what to do or where to post. You can choose to ignore my posts however. I never called you the "other woman" or wrote anything relating to "morality". What are you talking about????

[rubeegrl75]

Sorry you don't tell me what to do or where to post. You can choose to ignore my posts however. I never called you the "other woman" or wrote anything relating to "morality". What are you talking about????

LOL. I'm back in high school. Okay, stillaILiketobeaStalkerFool (that's a joke, please crack a smile) I wasn't talking about you. i was talking about other people who left those types of comments and that's who i was referring to when i said "harsh".

 

Stilla, aren't you going to say congratulations on my 12 lb weight loss and give me a hip hip hooray?

 

I didn't realize until now you were female. Now you make sense.

 

We are not focusing on petty things, we are focusing on my ass and making it shrink.

[stillafool]

I'm proud of you for losing 12lbs. I think it's wrong to diet because you deprive yourself of too much and set yourself up for failure. Have you tried using a smaller plate and still eating the things you like but in smaller portions. I love chocolate also and especially chocolate ice cream. Don't deprive yourself, but allow yourself 3 tbsps. in a teacup. Drink lots of water and maybe walk everyday if you are like me and don't like to go to the gym. Also workout tapes are good so you can workout from home.

[lovestruck818]

I'm proud of you for losing 12lbs. I think it's wrong to diet because you deprive yourself of too much and set yourself up for failure. Have you tried using a smaller plate and still eating the things you like but in smaller portions. I love chocolate also and especially chocolate ice cream. Don't deprive yourself, but allow yourself 3 tbsps. in a teacup. Drink lots of water and maybe walk everyday if you are like me and don't like to go to the gym. Also workout tapes are good so you can workout from home.

 

That doesn't work. It's not "maybe" walk everyday...it's "definitely" walk everyday. It's not eat smaller portions of what you want...it's having the willingness to cut out the things that are bad for you...like them or not. I lost over 50lbs in 6 months and what i did in terms of walking is a bit extreme but point is...it worked...and after the weight loss the key is to maintain the lifestyle or you will gain it all back. I walk 8 miles everyday. I haven't drank soda in 3 years. I don't eat anything fried, I barely drink alcohol. If you want to lose weight, you have to be willing to change your lifestyle.

[stillafool]

I'm sorry I gave her bad advice. I've never dieted I have the reverse problem and it is damn hard to gain weight when you need to. It just seems that too much deprivation is a set up for failure.

[rubeegrl75]

Gosh i wish i had a problem gaining weight. I gain weight easily and have always had to work at it. I like to exercise and i love to dance so that always kept me in shape.

 

Well, weight watchers seems like a decent plan. I get so many points a day and they require fruit and veggies.

 

The unique thing about me is that with the candida illness came very strong sugar cravings. Like, out of control. It would be very hard for me to eat just a little bit of candy or ice cream, i'd want the whole thing. I could eat and eat. Even now i have to be careful b/c the cravings have not completely gone away. Esp right before my period.

 

Hey lovestruck, what was your regimen to lose so much weight? 50 lbs in 6 months is great!

[lovestruck818]

Gosh i wish i had a problem gaining weight. I gain weight easily and have always had to work at it. I like to exercise and i love to dance so that always kept me in shape.

 

Well, weight watchers seems like a decent plan. I get so many points a day and they require fruit and veggies.

 

The unique thing about me is that with the candida illness came very strong sugar cravings. Like, out of control. It would be very hard for me to eat just a little bit of candy or ice cream, i'd want the whole thing. I could eat and eat. Even now i have to be careful b/c the cravings have not completely gone away. Esp right before my period.

 

Hey lovestruck, what was your regimen to lose so much weight? 50 lbs in 6 months is great!

 

I have an addictive personality and pretty much don't/wont back down until I get what I want- lol. But, basically stopped eating fried food, didn't eat desserts, walked (I'm up to 8 miles a day now), cut out soda, cut down alcohol...all that stuff and worked out like a mad woman.

[rubeegrl75]

Sounds good. Yeh, for me exercise has been key. I noticed that weeks where i dieted well but didn't work out as much were not as successful as weeks that i worked out steadily and maybe even ate a little xtra.

[mrose2008]

I hate to say it but you are the other woman...and until he divorces his wife you will be that..You are not married to him...It would be different if he wasn't married but he is ( Everyone who is honest would tell you this..A psychologist etc...My husband has his degree and was a psychologist for 10yrs..He was reading your post and said no matter how much you are trying to convince yourself that you are not the other woman you are and will continue to be unless he divorces his wife..and people might not say this to your face but they are thinking it)..A friend of mine was in a similar situation as yours and she tried to convince herself that she wasn't the other woman..5 years later she realized that even though him and his wife were estranged he was not going to divorce her and she was the other woman..You are the other woman when a man is married no matter if they are estranged or not..

 

As far as the lying about your weight..Even though he has not brought it up it is probably still on his mind....My husband would have flipped out if he had met me and I was 50 lbs overweight and was not honest about it..He isn't into overweight women and I am not into overweight men. I have never been overweight (I am pregnant right now and gaining weight due to the pregnancy but that is totally different) and I will lose the weight after the baby gets here not bc he has said i have to just because I like keeping myself in shape and in good health..

..Just like you I met him onine and 2 mths later we met in person.. ..I am 5'7", 122lbs when we met and I was totally honest and as he said had I not been he would have felt like he could have never trusted me if I had done all that you have done and vice versa.

You deceived him big time and men dont forget things like that...

Dont get me wrong I am not perfect..I did buy an eddie bauer baby stroller and not tell him ..decided to let it be a surprise but that is by far very different from what you did..You deceived him on purpose and in a big way...

[rubeegrl75]

hi mrose,

 

yes, i agree that my lying was very bad. He's moved on and i've moved on. He seems to have forgiven me and he sees that im working out, but that was my intention all along.

 

and i wish i could write this in really small font..but...he filed for divorce last week. I wasn't going to say anything on here but oh well. the obama win is really good for his particular business and he is now financially in a place to feel confident in pushing the divorce thru. it should be final in 6-9 months.

 

I will say this and i'm going to drop it. Bipolar individuals like his ex have a 90 percent divorce rate. I've only met him twice. we have the support of our friends and family, including his family, and that's really important to me. If i had friends like your friend I would give her the same advice you did to me, you are a good friend. And i would never have waited 5 years, my gosh. thank you for your opinions on the WEIGHT issue though, which is really all i wanted.

[mrose2008]

Actually the stats differ..some say 50, some say 70 and some say 90...I know several people who are bipolar or deal with depression and have survived....So I differ on the divorce rate..I should know I have a father in law who is bipolar and him and his wife are doing well...Also depression runs in my family and I have it as well (on meds before I got pregnant but not on them now due to the pregnancy and during pregnancy the pregnancy has balanced me out) and my marriage is strong and great..Don't lump his situation with others....Because there are a lot of marriages that do survive bipolar, depression etc....

 

I hope for your sake he has forgiven you ..time will tell..when you get in a big nasty fight one day he might chose to bring this back up..

 

Either way divorces can be nasty ..she might make it that way and if she knows he is involved with you then she could bring up the fact that he cheated on her with you..

 

I guess for me I couldnt let the weight issue go and neither would my husband have....For me that is just a big no no..Lying about weight and who you really are..A friend of mine had this happen to him and he couldnt believe what he was seeing when he met her..She led him to believe she was tall and thin..reality she was tall but was 75lbs overweight..

 

Just be careful and good luck..

[iceis44]

Yeah, but it's the back and butt hair which impelled my wife to get out her waxing pot. I think she gets some perverse pleasure out of inflicting pain on me

 

Now, if I could just get her to do it with a bustier and heels on, well, there ya go

lol so funny, tell her that, put on dem heels baby wax me anyday

[Habibti]

I agree with Never. You lied to him. And that is probably bothering him more than the weight.

 

I would be completey honest about the reasons why you lied now. I think it's the only hope you have to gain back the trust.

 

 

Okay, I'm not defending what she did BUT let's be honest- if she was some beautiful girl who was tired of feeling like a piece of meat, so she dulled down photos of herself, made herself look like she was heavier, had worse skin than what she really did..basically so she would be looked at for who she was on the inside..showed up..she's gorgeous, great skin, thinner by twenty pounds.. I bet there would be no problem yes? She still would of lied and been decietful but suddenly the tune would change I bet, yes?

 

I guess I'm just dying to call the bluff of all the bs'ers who use the "it'snot your weight, it's that you lied" excuse.

[RecordProducer]

Rubeegrl, I think you're focusing on the wrong question: how he feels about you lying, whether he feels deceived, and if yes, whether he feels upset about the deception.

 

All this is completely insignificant in the light of one question: does he like you or not? It seems like he likes you since he made love with you, so that's good news. But what I think you really want is for him to fall in love with you. Will your weight prevent him from falling in love?

It's possible that he will NOT want to see you again and that this will be because of your weight.

It's possible that he will NOT want to see you again for reasons other than your weight.

It's possible that he will want to see you again and fall in love despite of you being 50 lbs above the ideal weight.

It's possible that he will want to see you again, but will not fall in love with you UNTIL you lose weight.

 

Physical attraction does play a major role in our propensity to fall in love and weight is a big part of the deal, but it's not necessarily a deal breaker for everyone. The next question is what to do. I would say lose weight for yourself, especially since you don't like yourself like this and indeed, it's a shame to diminish your original beauty with layers of fat. I would definitely tell him that I intend to lose 50 lbs over the next X weeks and I would tell him what I am doing about it (without going into too much detail). If he really likes you and trusts you, he will want to see you again. Make sure you don't see him until you look really good (lose at least 30 lbs), which is 2-3 months. This time, stick to your plan and don't avoid the truth anymore.

 

 

Yes, he has every right to be upset. This would put me off much more than the actual weight.

With all due respect, this is NOT about YOU, it's about him. Furthermore, I don't think whether he has the right to be upset is as relevant as whether he is upset or not.

 

You dont consider yourself the OW... Keep fooling yourself.

Again, irrelevant to the concern of the original poster.

 

Habibti, that was quite a funny post!

 

Dont get me wrong I am not perfect..I did buy an eddie bauer baby stroller and not tell him ..decided to let it be a surprise but that is by far very different from what you did..You deceived him on purpose and in a big way...

... and this is helpful for rubeegril because...? Let me guess: because your point was that some lies are worse than others!