naive2 Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 Hello, I have never posted before but really need an outside perspective and many people here seem to be going through similar situations. I have a wonderful partner of 3 plus years. We have been long distance for awhile. I just found out that I got a full scholarship for grad school abroad - something that is on my way to my dreams for myself. But I could also go to school near him, which would mean paying a lot of money and not being quite as excited about the program. Essentially we have decided that if I prolong the long distance by going away, we should see other people and meet up on the other side because long distance across that many miles is something we have done before and is just too excruciating. But if I move near him he is ready to get married. Beyond the life dreams, I am a little unsure about marriage. I can't say he is THE ONE for 100 percent sure. And he doesn't always rock my boat physically. But he is everything else - always kind, a best friend, someone I still have fun with, someone I can share anything with. We have similar intellectual abilities, similar life dreams, similar personality styles. Am I naive to think that I should not get married and sacrifice a little because I have little doubts? Or am I cynical to give up on a 100 percent instinct? Because we have been together so long, I feel we have moved beyond that initial passionately in love stage into the deeper and more treasured love. If I do go abroad, will I regret that I might lose him forever - a great guy that I might never replace because we are so compatible? But should it be this hard, shouldn't I be doing anything to be with him? Aahh - some unbiased reactions would be so helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
sinny Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 naive, you should prob. go to the program farther away that you are excited about. There is plenty of time to be married, but once you have those commitments (like husband, job, children) it is a lot harder to make decisions for yourself and do what you want to do without considering a myriad of other factors. You can see other people and write this guy now and then, and get clearer on your feelings. If you stay and end up married you may have regrets and resentment for not following your dreams. Link to post Share on other sites
clearingclouds Posted February 2, 2004 Share Posted February 2, 2004 Things are not improving with my fiancee, she apologizes, says she'll work on some things, I do the same. Then, the next thing you know, those things happen again. And in some ways they are escalating. Link to post Share on other sites
maxmarkeeteer Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 hi...things are never fine because problems and arguments cropped up frequently... sometimes..she will say that maybe we are incompatible ..after all these years... and blankly stare at me.... i dont know but six months is my promise and that is when we will relook it... I am scared to be single after being with some one all the while... but sometimes i think would that be better? Link to post Share on other sites
clearingclouds Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 I think I need time away from my fiancee. It's difficult to sort things out with her around and it doesn't help her if she is around because as she bickers and complains, I think less of her. maxmarkeeteer: I know what you mean about being single again, I haven't been with anyone else in many years. It is a scary thought. But, I think about spending the rest of my life with my fiancee (many more years) and am concerned. Is this how I want to be treated for the rest of my life? I want to respect my partner and I want my partner to respect me. I want to understand my partner and my partner to understand me. I don't know what was happened, did I change? Did she? Don't know. But, life will be difficult. There will be other issues in the future and importantly there will be children. Will it be fair and respectful if she treats me (and our children) like this during those times? No. Link to post Share on other sites
maxmarkeeteer Posted February 22, 2004 Share Posted February 22, 2004 dear clearing cloud, i dont know how to ask this but if two person together and we have lost ur sexual interest in each other... what does this means? i know sex isnt everything but is it another clear indicator that we are going down hill ?because i have exhibited no interest for a long long while ... i dont know how to express it..the want for it has just disappeared...i think for more than 6-8 months.. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamyluv7 Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 I mean commitments (relationships), helps make help who you are as a person. For example, if you are commited to helping others by voleeteering or in a marriage relationship. The level in which you prioritize your commitments shows you what kind of person you are inside and how you handle these commitments also show you who you are as a person. I mean is you take this relationship as non-commited and feel that you have no obligations to marry her. Then, it shows you that obvously, in other areas of your life you don't seriously. Are you willing to throw away perfectly healthy, loving relationship because of you thoughts. I am sorry but you choose your own self-talk, and just as easy as you talked yourself that the grass may be greener on the side, you can talk your self into marrying the poor girl. I am sorry- but why would I girl want to stay with a guy who so called loves and when life gets to hard wants to flee. And guys wonder why girl's have insecurity issues. Link to post Share on other sites
clearingclouds Posted February 28, 2004 Share Posted February 28, 2004 Commitment I committeed myself when I entered into my relationship and, significantly, when I proposed to her. For a long period, she spent time not listening to my desires (my 'sensitivity') for her not to yell at me when discussing trivial issues, she would not express an interest in me and my life, she spent time with others instead of me, she engaged in activities she knew I would not participate in, she criticized and complained of me to her friends and family, she would only have sex on her schedule, and she would not do her chores around the house. There is much more that demonstrate selfishness. And, when I confronted her with these issues in a polite way, she was angry. She yelled. She broke things. She threw things. She said many things two people in love should not say to one another. When I told her to stop, she continued. For a long time, this behavior continued. I feel degraded, my confidence is low, I am sad... Now, she says she is sorry. When does commitment end? When is there forgiveness? I don't know. I don't think my sadness will ever end though. Why was my commitment treated poorly by the most important person in my life? Will it happen again? Sex What does it mean when two lose sexual interest? Of many, that is a question I, too, think of. Sex is not a merely a physical activity for me. It is an act of love... If there is no sex or an interest in sex, how is my love? how is the love of my fiancee? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamyluv7 Posted February 28, 2004 Share Posted February 28, 2004 Response to commitment: I guess I didn't realize what the exact situation is. It seems to me like you girlfriend may have a pride issue- where she finds it hard to A. admit she is wrong B. or she might find it hard for her to forgive herself and if she can't forgive herself how is she suppose to forgive you. It seems to me that by living together before marriage may be a hint that you want to try on the marriage before you get married. Which I honestly couldn't do, because I feel that in order to give my all I need to know that man is giving his all back. Living together before marriage equals problems. It is almost like a false sense of security. But I may be wrong on this because I really don't know you or the situation. Reponse to sex issue: I mean part of the gifts of being married is sex. If you have sex before marriage it may lose it's meaning making the relationship harder to work with. Link to post Share on other sites
clearingclouds Posted March 14, 2004 Share Posted March 14, 2004 I think other issues have caused my relationship to experience problems, mainly how we (each) handle disagreements. I don't think living together or having sex before marriage had much impact, maybe that is the case for some people, but not for me. I've been told that when I think of pleasant things about my fiancee, I should also think of those times when things have been bad. This is very difficult place to be in, where I am weighing the good and the bad.... I hope there is a conclusion soon. Journaling (and keeping that very secret) with thoughts about my fiancee and our situation has been helpful for me. Link to post Share on other sites
julieg Posted March 14, 2004 Share Posted March 14, 2004 clearingclouds-- there will never be a right answer to your dilemma. the correct answer is the one you stand behind and never look back on. your girlfriends personality will not change, by reflecting on her positive attributes perhaps the negative ones will fade and become less pronounced. you've heard the saying"he/she brings out the best in me" this is how two people who love each other can work together and bring about great things in this world. julie Link to post Share on other sites
clearingclouds Posted March 28, 2004 Share Posted March 28, 2004 Thank you julie. continues... Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted March 28, 2004 Share Posted March 28, 2004 I feel, whenever someone has this question, marry or break up, the answer is break up. No one should EVER get married unless they WANT TO. Obligated marriages? You think that'll truly work out? C'mon. Get real. If there's even a question in your mind if you should break up instead of get married, break up. If you break up but later regret it, you could always potentially fix things. If you get married and later regret it, it becomes a hell of a lot more complicated. Link to post Share on other sites
Rightlymia Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 DO NOT GET MARRIED.Look at the increase in friggin divorce rates.Do you know how many people I know who got married because it was what they were "supposed to do at that age" Don't be silly about it. Date the person you're with or break up and start over with someone else but don't get married. Link to post Share on other sites
nomoreuncertain? Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 I'm a 24 year old guy and I've been engaged for a year now. I've been haunted with doubts for the past 1 year. My fiance's family is kind of conservative and I don't like them - I somehow feel like I'm not just marrying her but her whole freakin' faimly. I still love her, but I increasingly try to spend more time alone with myself. I have always been a shy guy and not very popular with the ladies, but at this point I'm thinking that being alone might be better than getting trapped in a marriage that I'm not prepared for. Who knows, maybe I will find someone sometime - I'm still not even 25. I've thought about this a lot - I think I owe it to her and her family but thats not why I wanna go for it. She still has no clue that I wanna break up- I act strange sometimes (and I know it) but she thinks that it's work or just some weirdity. I'm quite scared of her actually ! Especially since we are graduate students in the same school and in the same office ! Actually we were involved before we started working in the same place, and it was quite coincidental. I think the breakup is going to affect our professional relationship - but I'm finally gonna do it pretty soon. Am I doing the right thing folks ? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamyluv7 Posted April 20, 2004 Share Posted April 20, 2004 Obviously, you were infatuated with her and never really loved her, if you are being a complete wimp about marriage. Marriage means maturity, responsiblity and love. Marriage is suspose to be a blessing not an end. It seems to me guys use relationships to be selfish and then leave because they are now called to be selfless. You proably were never ready to get involved with this girl in the first place and that is your irresponsibilty on your part. Link to post Share on other sites
Rightlymia Posted April 21, 2004 Share Posted April 21, 2004 First of all I laughed my butt off at the word Weirdity????hahaha!! Secondly, I think you are doing the right thing by breaking it off..If you are having doubts it's best to take care of things now then when you are in toooooo deep.. Link to post Share on other sites
WilliWonka Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 Originally posted by clearingclouds Commitment I committeed myself when I entered into my relationship and, significantly, when I proposed to her. For a long period, she spent time not listening to my desires (my 'sensitivity') for her not to yell at me when discussing trivial issues, she would not express an interest in me and my life, she spent time with others instead of me, she engaged in activities she knew I would not participate in, she criticized and complained of me to her friends and family, she would only have sex on her schedule, and she would not do her chores around the house. There is much more that demonstrate selfishness. And, when I confronted her with these issues in a polite way, she was angry. She yelled. She broke things. She threw things. She said many things two people in love should not say to one another. When I told her to stop, she continued. For a long time, this behavior continued. I feel degraded, my confidence is low, I am sad... Now, she says she is sorry. When does commitment end? When is there forgiveness? I don't know. I don't think my sadness will ever end though. Why was my commitment treated poorly by the most important person in my life? Will it happen again? Sex What does it mean when two lose sexual interest? Of many, that is a question I, too, think of. Sex is not a merely a physical activity for me. It is an act of love... If there is no sex or an interest in sex, how is my love? how is the love of my fiancee? i have read all of your posts up to this one, and have come to the point where i feel my relationship is that much better. but i have to tell you this, if you feel degraded, and lack confidence, you need to be out of that relationship, hopefully by now you are, as i feel bad for you, but you DO NOT WANT to be in that relationship! period. Link to post Share on other sites
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