Hopeovexperience Posted January 5, 2004 Share Posted January 5, 2004 As someone who's just been dumped by their fiance. My advice is to be 100% honest with yourself and her. If you are and you make what turns out to be the 'wrong' decision, then there may be a way through this. If you're not, and problems surface after the marriage there may be no way to ever make it right again. You can understand doubts, you can even forgive someone eventually for calling things off. I'm not sure that anyone can or should really forgive someone for lying about what they were thinking and feeling about something as important as marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
clearingclouds Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 I am honest with her, except disclosing feelings I may have for another woman. I don't think it is necessary for my fiancee to know those feelings exist because I feel my fiancee and I need to resolve our issues, not including another person. That being said, it is very difficult to be honest with my fiancee. She often becomes hostile or angry. She is also angry with our therapist when the therapist recommends to her to change her actions or manners. Should I remain with my fiancee merely because of my obligation (we are engaged) and many years we've had together? I don't think so. If that is not the question, then I'm not sure how I am suppose to know if should stay or leave my fiancee. Link to post Share on other sites
Summerday Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Yea, I agree that you need to be honest with her about your feelings. If your having second thoughts about it, don't do it. Because like everyone else has said... those feelings do not just go away. Link to post Share on other sites
clearing Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Just to be clear... the feelings/doubts about getting married will not go away (or at least unlikely not to go away) ? I guess there are people who get married who have no doubt - I wish I felt that way and maybe it is because I am not with the right person. Link to post Share on other sites
maxmarkeeteer Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 guys... i have the exact same situation... been wth a girl for more than 7 years but now...when we talk about marriage. I really cant imagine .... i am really not sure is this the one i want to spend the rest of my life with. She is my first love..but the feeling changed....i am not sure i really dont want to get married because of obligation. But can you imagine a girl that has spent most of her youth with you and now because the feelings changed you break apart. I really dont know. Link to post Share on other sites
toots307 Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 To all the people having doubts I would like to strongly suggest you read the book "ARE YOU THE ONE FOR ME" by Barbara DeAngelis. I really, truly think it will help all of you. Link to post Share on other sites
julieg Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 max aren't you worried that after 7 years with one girl you may be wasting your time and hers? the longer you wait the harder it will be to break up. Link to post Share on other sites
AllyKat Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 It sounds to me like you are having cold feet in a way. I mean, if you arent having troubles why create them? I too agree, thinking the grass is greener on the other side is so bad!! Do you think sex with other women is better? I mean really?! Do you think there is someone better suited to you out there? Are you really REALLY willing to lose this woman in order to pursuit this "dream"? Im just curious because that is where you may be heading. Sometimes, when we are in a good relationship we think we are missing on when we really arent. So many people who are single would rather not be... dating is hard! Some do not like trying to find that "perfect" person, when you seem to already have her. I cannot tell you what to do, only you really know. Look inside your heart. But, if she isnt really who you want, let her go. Just do it easy, especially if it isnt what she is expecting. Link to post Share on other sites
rc2003 Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Hey, I have the same feelings and I have only been married for 3 months. whoever said that the grass is greener on the other side is right. I think many people feel that way and then there's the single people who wish they had a partner. I would hang in there. I can be myself when I am with my husband. We have loads of fun, but every once in a while I wonder what it would be like to be with someone else. I don't know if that's normal or not, but it didn't stop me from getting married. Link to post Share on other sites
maxmarkeeteer Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 Hi toots... i would be getting the book like you mentioned ... i agree..its something serious that i really would look into..... what made us last so far is our sense of commitment..because i always believed that love is commitment more than anything else...a promise for a life time.... but as our years pass...our conversation became less, arguments more frequent and tears flow more... is this a good sign? Is this the way things supposed to be..... i can share wth you sometimes when we want to become intimate.. i dont have the feelings that i used to.It seems like sex also become a thing of the past. i am sorry if i sound too selfish..... right now, breaking up for me is hard because my partner is facing some financial problems and i am there to support her. i need to be there now... Link to post Share on other sites
clearingclouds Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 It sounds like you two might want to try counseling. We did and have been to 10 or so sessions. Has it helped me? In some ways, for better and worse. our conversation became less, arguments more frequent and tears flow more Same here. Also, my fiancee makes plans without me and makes plans for things I definitely would not want to do. We seem to have become less compatible. I read the DeAngelis book in the store, completed some tests and it helped mainly think about previous relationships. There are some interesting sections discussing things that are fatal for a relationship. For me, one of the biggest things for my relationship is arguing. I can't stand it anymore and I am certain I can't live a good deal of my life arguing with my wife. She has promised she will control her temper more and not yell. I want to believe her. But, why did she yell and provoke arguments with me in the past and recently? Could she really change? I want to believe that. There are a couple of other issues present in my relationship the book pointed out as problems. There is something else that makes me upset: our friends are turning against me. She gives them one side of the story in private (multiple conversations). I care about those friendships, but my decision about who I spend my life with is more important to me. I'm not sure it is a good sign that my fiancee is talking poorly about me to our friends. One thing is certain: this sucks and I don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
maxmarkeeteer Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 someone i talked to recently said that marriage last a life time and asked me to be really sure of what i am doing because i might not be ruining my life only but some one elses as well... I'm not sure it is a good sign that my fiancee is talking poorly about me to our friends. its start happening to me to....but i think its because it helps her to tell it out to all the friends...maybe she thinks that by doing so...she will have their support to help make this relationship last... i do...but I know if we did not work out , most of our friends... or her friends will think that i am at fault..being irresponsible ....after so long...but i think thats what everyone will face.... Link to post Share on other sites
clearingclouds Posted January 13, 2004 Share Posted January 13, 2004 I am not looking forward to Valentine's day, in fact I'd like things to be settled by thing. Maybe it is because my fiancee and I have spent the past 6 months arguing, going to counseling, reading books and other things, and our relationship has not improved. Is there closure (remain together or split up)? People say I need to give things a chance, try to improve things - how much of a chance do I give things? If I decided I've had enough, I would look like the 'bad person.' Link to post Share on other sites
maxmarkeeteer Posted January 13, 2004 Share Posted January 13, 2004 i think no matter what happens we will end up as the bad person... there is no doubt.... but you are right on when should we call it quits...when is enough ........enough? Link to post Share on other sites
toots307 Posted January 13, 2004 Share Posted January 13, 2004 I think that enough is enough when you've tried everything and still come out 'incompatible.' IF you've gone to counselling, talked OPENLY and HONESTLY, read books and basically just put in every ounce of effort you can and still it just isn't working, I believe it's time to move on. And being the 'bad guy' sucks but you know staying in a dead relationship doesn't make you the good guy. Being miserable doesn't make you the good guy. Holding on to someone that maybe doesn't realize how much they need to be let go doesn't make you the good guy. Bottom line is you will feel guilty if you go, you will be miserable if you stay. If you know in your heart that you have done all you can to make it work than screw the people that see you as the bad guy. You know what the right thing to do is. Leaving doesn't have to be mean and nasty. And if leaving near kills your partner, time will heal the wounds. I've been on both ends of the sword - I've left and been left and all I know is that I'm a better person having gone through it all. No one ever promised us that life would be easy and love is even harder. Don't hold on if your heart and your mind KNOW it's not right - in time everyone will be ok. Link to post Share on other sites
julieg Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 all the comments are very good and you should take some to heart. the fighting will only intensify after you are married and it is a really bad omen of things to come. whoever said all you need is love was wrong- you can love someone and still can' t make a marriage work. most people i know who had doubts during the engagement were later divorced. DONT IGNORE YOUR INTUITION!!! as hard as it is you will have to take a look at yourself and why you stayed in this relationship so long. did you change or did she or both? Link to post Share on other sites
clearingclouds Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 I'm curious to hear how others (maxmarkeeter) in a similar situation plan to handle Valentine's Day? I'm not looking forward to it at all. Link to post Share on other sites
clearingclouds Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 I recently read to make two lists. One for the reasons to stay with my fiancee, the other with reasons to leave. I found this exercise, while writing the answers and not typing the answers, helpful. And, I keep these lists very private. Just thought this might be helpful to others. Thanks julieg and toots307 for your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
sinny Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 I am engaged. Since the engagement (August 2003) I have been wrestling with the idea of marriage, though we have lived together for 6 years. After reading all these posts I have to say I think that there is a certain amount of blind faith necessary to sustain a relationship. It is a matter of allowing yourself to be somewhat deluded and to be able to uphold the hopes and fantasies of the other person as well. I think it is normal to sometimes hate your partner, take them for granted, and wish you could have sex with other people. So what! There are those that believe that your happiness does not lie in any other person, it lies within yourself. So basically you're going to have the same quality relationship with anyone you pick unless you are able to grow and learn. And every issue you have with the other person most likely stems from issues you have within yourself. I think there is something to be said for honoring your choices and the person who puts up with you. It is not really a right of any of us to have our dream mate, it is a privilege to have even one person that can actually put up with any of us. So maybe it's just a half-empty, half-full argument. If you aren't abusive to each other, basically want the same things, and have a willingness to work together and compromise, you are way ahead of the game. Just because rainbows and fairy dust doesn't erupt every time you are in the room together, doesn't mean that it isn't amazing that you have each other. I have to wonder why half of our LOVE based marriages in the US fail, while arranged, family-picked marriages seem to last longer. Is this because we feel so entitled to the SOUL MATE in this country? Instead of CREATING a beautiful relationship with someone, we wait for the perfect angel to land in our laps and make everything wonderland. Link to post Share on other sites
maxmarkeeteer Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 hi all, Good to hear from everyone again... i am curious with the list clearing clous made...have your choice been easier..is your choice made? about valentine.. i dont know...even our birthdays are getting a bit toned down... recently, she contacted me and said that she feels there is no happiness among us and wask me what to do? is it that guys have to initiate these sort of things ... what could i say...what should i say.if i really want to end it.... i really dont want 2 of us to be enemies in the future.... Link to post Share on other sites
maxmarkeeteer Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 hi.. i agree with what sinny said..that was my faith all along..love is a commitment you keep to each other... there is no one perfect in the world .. i agree... which is what made things difficult.... if we hadnt regarded love as a commitment ..we would have broken up long ago... but because it is..we stick by trying to make it work... the problem is sometimes commitment is not all you need... you might need a change of persons. Some people i know broke up with some one they been with for 5 years and found someone new... they have been married and happier since.... no one can say for sure of that...our inner qualities speak tones about ourselves... sometimes we just find our selves growing while our partners arent.. or could it be vice versa.... thats when incompatibilities set in and each person have different standards how or who they life partner looks like.... Link to post Share on other sites
julieg Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 i am in agreement with sinny and max. i just think that 5-6-7 years with one person is such a long time to not be sure if the person is the one. sure people change but at some point you either accept them or move on. Link to post Share on other sites
clearingclouds Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 About my list, I really recommend doing it. I worked on the list for a week and it was well thought out --- on separate pages. About someone changing... that's what I'm thinking about now. There are items on my list 'to break up' that are significant to me. My fiancee says/promises she will change (stop yelling and saying bad things to me) because I am so important to her. But, and this is so hard for me to say, I don't feel confident that will happen - why did she do/say those things to me in the first place? And continue when I told her stop? And continue after once she said she would stop? Why did she continue for the past months to yell and say things to me that hurt? She said that was/is now a unique time of our relationship, during the past few months, and during the past few years this type of arguing did not happen. That's right during the past few years it did not happen, so maybe I am wrong? Maybe it was a fluke. I guess I am thinking out loud. I guess there is no answer - can a person change, for the better. Link to post Share on other sites
maxmarkeeteer Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 clearing clouds, we would never know... but we can hope for the best... if its really over.. dont pro long it... i am giving myself one last chance.. if nothing changes by next six months... i........ i have never broken up with anyone before and given a choice would not want to... it neither good for me or for her... but sometimes things have to take their path... we have talked before about our differences and our promise to change..but i guess when people grow older over a period ..they change...this may be called maturity ...sometimes their values and principles chnage... this cant be avoided.... will see as it goes.. good luck to you... Link to post Share on other sites
clearingclouds Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 maxmarkeeteer, good luck to you too. When do you remember last being happy, with/in your relationship? When were things fine? Link to post Share on other sites
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